Daughter and Ex

[Kat54]

My 24 year old daughter has been having gall bladder attacks recently. My ex texted me last week saying he was at the ER with her as she had a bad attack. I couldn't go because I had Covid and couldn't be at the hospital.

She left the ER and they gave her the name of a surgeon and said she would likely need her gall bladder out. Plus she is in the middle of taking classes so she can apply for nursing school. She's understandably upset and under pressure with school. She has an appointment with the surgeon next week and she said her father is going with her. I asked if I could go as to be in the loop and just be there as her mother. She told me no, her father is going and don't take a day off work and come all the way for a Dr appointment. I said it's no big deal to take off, but she was adamant.

I got pretty annoyed, they defer to him for everything, they are at his beckon call. I'm the outsider, and they make me feel like that all the time. So I texted my ex and asked if he minded if I went to the appointment also because for him it's either he goes with her or I do, but I said we should go as her parents. United front. 

Apparently he told her I texted him about going with them to the Dr and I guess she got mad at me for that  so he said she just wants him to go or I can go and he won't. I'm not sure how he posed what I said to him but knowing him he put his negative spin on it. So when I saw her over the weekend she was obviously mad at me and she said, " I know you texted dad about going with us to the Dr, but no, you're not going. I don't even want him to go.  You both treat me like I'm a baby."
I almost burst into tears but I just said fine but another person should be with you as another set of ears and I am concerned as your mother but this is all your decision and I left. 

What is going on, I know she is angry about the whole situation. I don't want to have this be about me and her leaving me out but that's how I feel. I try and be close to her but she will go for long lengths of a week or more and not call or anything. I call her I've asked her to come up for a weekend at my house and just do something together and she says no. It makes me so so incredibly sad. Sometimes we're good and also with my son but there is this big valley of distance.

I'm I missing something that she resents me for leaving? This is where my mind goes. But also my ex does not have the best relationship with her either, he's told me that. I'm just sad

[Poison Ivy]

I understand why you feel left out but I also understand your daughter not wanting her parents with her at this appointment. I suggest contacting her again, saying that you understand that she doesn't want you at the appointment and you won't attend but that you'd like to know what's going on and that you'd appreciate her keeping you in the loop about her health.

[notrightinthehead]

When I was 24 I certainly didn't tell my mother about Dr's appointments nor did I take her along.  I sometimes went with my kids, but mostly as a driver and to pay, I did not go with them into the consulting room.
It seems that your husband is very controlling. Ultimately your daughter might have to stand up to him if she does not want to be controlled anymore.  Maybe you could try to find your own way with her,  respectful , open to her wishes, kind, loving , and accepting her exactly how she is.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Kat54]

Thank you, you are all right. Yes he's very controlling. I'm being respectful to her wishes and I will ask her to please keep me in the loop. It was just hurtful with her response, it was harsh but she's right, she's an adult and I have to respect her wishes.

I'm so glad I reached out to you all. Thank you!

[Poison Ivy]

Sometimes a child's willingness to use harsher words or tone to one parent means the child knows that parent won't reject the child because of the child expressing the emotions. I think it's possible that your daughter feels safer with you, Kat54.

[Kat54]

She possibly does feel safer Poison Ivy when she's around me.  I'm going to respect her wishes but again I'm the parent who has to take the back seat and my ex is right there with her like the doting, controlling father he is. I'll call her in maybe another day and apologize if I made her feel like a child, that was never my intent.  Its actually my ex who treats her like a child. I'm all the way in another state and hour away.  If she doesn't want either of us going maybe her cousin would go with her will be my suggestion, they are very close. But, she won't deny him from going. Its easier and better for her in the short term to let him go. I don't know how my ex said what he said to her but she's very angry with me right now, so would not be surprised if she didn't take any of my calls or texts.

Like I said I feel like I'm the parent they don't need to bother with, always on the outside fringe.  Its literally the three of them on one side of a room and then me by myself on the other side.  Sometimes my relationship with them is good but then things like this happen and it all goes south.  My sister said I need to communicate that to them how I feel about our relationship. I have in the past but it never changes.

[Kat54]

Had a long talk with my son about his sister and her Gall Bladder issues. Its good to get another perspective. He said when he stopped at the house for something she was alone in the kitchen eating a plate of Mac N Cheese. Not the best thing to eat if your gall bladder is acting up but her choice.  She has food issues and battles with weight, which my ex has been a huge driver of. Since she was little he's always getting on her about every bite of food she eats, which in my opinion has contributed to her weight issues.  We would argue about it, but he usually dismissed me. 

Son told me my ex and daughter do not get along at all and daughter hides food so her father won't yell at her for what she eats. He said his sister doesn't care about her diet and just wants to get the surgery and go back to eating bad food. My son has a little bit of fleas from his father but he's very much concerned about his sister. And with Gall bladder surgery I don't think your diet has to really change, maybe the first month while her body adjusts to not having one. But he is saying if she had a better diet to begin with she wouldn't have gall bladder problems, which iI would agree with. She's only 24, but they say it can happen to anyone if it runs in a family.

Its such a bad thing going on and I feel very bad for her. She desperately wants to move out and get away from her father but she doesn't want to live with me either. Her dad told her recently if she moves out he'll sell the house and move to Florida where most of his family is. The house is in our hometown, little tiny beach community where all her friends are.  She's told me also she can't leave him, even when I said I could get her a good job where I work and they would pay for some of Nursing school. My home and job about an our away from where they live.  They have a bad toxic relationship...no surprise.  My son moved out about a year ago and he's like a different person. Very happy, has a nice girlfriend that he moved in with and they will be getting engaged soon. Now that he's out, he sees the toxic and narcissistic side to his father.

Daughter right now is not taking my phone calls or texts. I'll leave her be for now but I'll try again by the weekend. I left her a voicemail and apologized if I hurt her feeling and I did not mean to treat her like a child. (thats actually what her father does)  How do I start the conversation with her? I think she is an emotional eater. I think she's depressed about her health. She can't stand her father. And I can't bash my ex, that would be worse. 

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry all this bad stuff is going on for your daughter and you, Kat.

[Kat54]

She had her surgery and is on the mend. I felt sad not being there but I respected what she needed and I got over it. Went to see her later that day, brought flowers, made her some soup. Stayed around for the weekend and it was fine, she was fine and you move on.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the update. I'm glad your daughter is on the mend.