Low Point. Tempted

[falsebalance2]

I'm having such a rough time.

After several days of updh being off going out to sports games with new 'friends' and being gone at sporting events and gym time - I asked how he was off and he informed me he was off work for 2 weeks.

Typically any time he is off work I am a target for any and all projection. I endured a week and a half of him not being home and not telling us when he may or may not pop in.

Kids were hyperactive because it is disorienting - So I decided to move forward with our lives. The kids are doing so much better now....

But I did have a conversation with him and when I confronted his behavior I got all the typical word salad degrading comments, name calling and

I don't love you and I'm going to do what I want


and that we lost our connection and can never get that back.

I lost it realizing/confirming just how little he thinks of me.

Then a few days after that I guess he needed some supply and after not seeing the children more than 5 minutes at a time every other couple of days (he accuses me of keeping it this way but he doesn't speak to me so I have no idea where he is and what his plans are and so have stopped waiting on him and scheduling time with the kids to meet with friends.) then when he asked to take them somewhere we already had plans.

So a typical surge happened and I have been recording as I have been advised but actually find it most useful for myself. He records me when I react to the insane mind games and I have a feeling he has access to my phone.

But he is not the kind to get violent. He swears and calls me names but it's all secretive and waiting for me to either die from stress or blow my top so he can prove I'm crazy.

Anyway - I have been asking to go see an elderly friend for 4 years and it is a boring trip so the answer has been evaded. So I decided to make it happen this weekend.

I read in "stop caretaking" to say I'm going to - or I want to- rather than "may I?"

So I stated I was going and he said oh ok enjoy your trip (in writing). Did not ask to see the kids or tell them bye. I told a friend this seemed odd to me as he pretends to be super Dad and this would be the first time I ever took the kids anywhere alone....

At 4AM I heard knocks on my bedroom door (AFTER the big drama day before) (had planned on waking at 7am to drive) I said what is that? he said it's me - I want to tell the kids bye. So I had to wake all the kids up and the baby couldn't go back to sleep. So on 3 hours of sleep I had to travel a full day.

I hate to decide it is all sabotage but it certainly feels that way.

It got my adrenaline rushing as the evening before he told me to do something and harassed me about it so I ultimately did not do it and he called me swears and then went in my room and got what he wanted while I was gone. I fell into the drama trap for about 10 minutes. And recovered - and was able to use the recording to analyze and observe my own self.

I have been out of sorts ever since leaving town feeling like I'm a terrible person for traveling without him.

I'm hyper sensitive at this point to criticism and being around others and healthy families I feel like I'm a shell of who I used to be and I feel everyone shocked at how much I apologize and my sense of humor is off line.

I have always had strong intuition and so I'm sure they don't think I can sense that they sense something is wrong but I can and it makes me even more humilated.

If I use his words to me in private it would sound too unreal.

He doesn't love me and is going to do whatever he wants - but doesn't plan on changing our legal status but understands if I 'need' to divorce him. He says this is the healthiest he has ever been and finally living his life.

He blames me for so much

I did not realize today is Father's Day and I was hit with a massive amount of guilt today while out with my elderly friend and his family at church. I almost lost it sobbing there. I haven't told these friends what is going on - they are wise and I sense they sense trouble but won't pry. And I think I need that.


I am about to go see others who WILL pry...and I'm nervous how that will go.

I got the best sleep I have had in recent memory just being away from unpdh knowing he can't come here.

I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm not sure that word even begins to scratch it.

And every comment from well meaning strangers and friends like "how do you do it all?! How can I help?!" makes me feel like any minute I'll collapse into tears.

And maybe it is trauma bonding or just learning new thought patterns but I'm extremely proud of myself for making this trip happen - and I'm planning more!

BUT

on the flip side I feel like I can hear his voice in my head and I'm feeling like all the things I read about abusers he can turn all I do to survive and say I'm just as bad. Like he has to convince me I'm bad too.

And he got me so worked up and then recorded me and he messed with my head so bad - I have lost a TON of weight lately from stress and aged and he said after I kept repeating "you're making me feel unsafe" he said you've lost a lot of weight - are you doing drugs? I'm worried my children are unsafe around you.

I couldn't believe my ears.

He kept making faces at me and laughing once the recording stopped.

But a few hours later walked by me and said sorry I called you names. Then walked away.

Now he is back to treating me as I am insignificant. I know he is setting up his own story in his new circle and at his work place....and people are quick to support him because he is making me out to be a toxic wife keeping the kids from him.

I supppose being free of the possibility of him coming through the door here - it is as if all of that suppressed inside of me is hitting me at once. I feel I could sleep for days on end but I'm naturally introverted so being a guest anywhere usually has me in need of some alone time.

I am considering booking an extra night in a hotel just to relax before I have to go back to that house. I'm enjoying the peace too much.

And I had to come here because well meaning advice is starting to set me off. Yes - I have done and tried literally everything....

And today I realized as I answered the critic in my own mind

YES - I have flaws and quirks and I'm a different person from many.

BUT - I don't enjoy suffering of anyone. I don't enjoy lying and tricking others.

If someone confronts me out of love I am quick to examine myself - and had I been married to a true friend I would be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.

My biggest mistake has been letting myself stay in the disfunction. Like getting trapped in a rip tide. I've been swimming for dear life but I've been pulled back for years and any progress I see disappears as I get tired and get sucked back another year down shore.

I feel the rip tide at my feet - begging me to believe I am the one with the PD.

And then I tell myself - isn't there something wrong with me that I haven't escaped? That I fell for this?


I am stealing this from "Stop Caretaking...." "NO MORE DRAMA."

[notrightinthehead]

He said it all. He does not love you. He does exactly what he wants. Life with you is convenient enough for him to stay.

Check out Trauma bond. And focus less on him and more on yourself. Congratulations on going on that trip! To many more! You can take better care of yourself. Let him worry about himself. You work with the person you can change - yourself!

[falsebalance2]

Thanks, NRITH

I'm so happy I came....

It forced me to face a lot of those illogical fears and phobias I have developed (all a way I think my mind tried to convince me *I* didn't really want to do the things I wanted to do).

[1footouttadefog]

Coming face to face with the realities of a failed and/or unhealthy relationship  that  one has given up so much for is hard.

There is alot of grief and self identity issues wrapped up in all of this and the feelings that must be processed can hurt to tue core of who we are.

Be kind to yourself.  Practice holistic self care because you will need your strength to get to the other side of healing.

[SonofThunder]

FB2, you wrote:

"At 4AM I heard knocks on my bedroom door (AFTER the big drama day before) (had planned on waking at 7am to drive) I said what is that? he said it's me - I want to tell the kids bye. So I had to wake all the kids up and the baby couldn't go back to sleep. So on 3 hours of sleep I had to travel a full day. I hate to decide it is all sabotage but it certainly feels that way."

Been there SOOOO many times.  So

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

[falsebalance2]

Coming face to face with the realities of a failed and/or unhealthy relationship  that  one has given up so much for is hard.

There is alot of grief and self identity issues wrapped up in all of this and the feelings that must be processed can hurt to tue core of who we are.

Be kind to yourself.  Practice holistic self care because you will need your strength to get to the other side of healing.

THANK YOU! I feel like I'm falling apart. I am trying to be more gentle on myself.

10 days to move out day.

I can't eat with the nerves! But I am planning on eating so well around my own, peacefull dinner table SOON.

I hope as my mental clarity and peace returns - so will my health

Thank you 

[falsebalance2]

FB2, you wrote:

“At 4AM I heard knocks on my bedroom door (AFTER the big drama day before) (had planned on waking at 7am to drive) I said what is that? he said it's me - I want to tell the kids bye. So I had to wake all the kids up and the baby couldn't go back to sleep. So on 3 hours of sleep I had to travel a full day. I hate to decide it is all sabotage but it certainly feels that way.”

Been there SOOOO many times.  So

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

I just read that link!

NO WONDER he loved me having babies!!!

I missed that on the traits. It was bad before children with saying things right before I fell asleep to get me worked up and crying and then he slept like a baby. I couldn't for the life of me understand....But it was like me being stressed and sobbing was his favorite lullaby.

But babies and small children were the ultimate at keeping me sleep deprived.

after he would promise he didn't mean to slam doors etc....But he NEVER helped with the babies at bed time or all through the night. He claimed because I chose to nurse them that he couldn't help at all.


One more step Out of the FOG!

[SonofThunder]

👍 Turning unknowns to knowledge.  Knowledge is power.

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and is outlawed by various international agreements.

The first malignant narcissist I met and had a relationship with used to do this., Usually the night before something important to me and always before I went to work. He didn't work so could sleep all day. Horrible horrible man. So glad I got out. Pure poison.

[Seahorse207]

My ex-narc loved to keep me sleep-deprived. He knows I don't get to sleep before 4 AM because I have insomnia and I told him to please let me sleep until noon (I'm retired) so I can get enough rest but when he was over here he always woke me up around 10 and I'd be tired all day.

And you mentioned about Father's Day - he's punishing you because he knows you forgot about it. Or he may just be trying to ruin your time away. Mine ruined every single holiday since I had met him. Including last weekend when he showed up unannounced at my apartment wanting me to loan him money because he has a new girlfriend he needs to take care of LOL.

[falsebalance2]

The sleep deprivation has been horrible!

That's awful Boatbabe and Seahorse!


I often wonder - are they that exacting and cruel - or is it more of a compulsion?

Probably a combination of the two.

It is as if the entire house sleeping peacefully makes him feel abandoned so he goes "accidentally" crashing about until one of us wakes and then suddenly he can sleep.


I also gave up on holidays and we had agreed not to do holidays! The cognitive dissonance was SO strong I felt it was my idea - And in a way it was it just wasn't what I wanted. He ruined EVERY holiday and each Mother's day and my birthday felt like he would ask me what I wanted and then proceed to do the exact opposite and call me ungrateful when I cried or stayed nuetral.

So of course I forgot about Father's Day.

I deserve the Father's Day celebration as I'm the only one around raising them!

It also creeps me out he calls them sis and bub instead of their names or his children. It feels like he is their brother. It grosses me out.

He purchased himself a bracelet with all of the children's names he now wears every day now that I called him out with "you wear your wedding ring only after you've decided you aren't "IN" love with me....Make that make sense." ....Now he stopped wearing his ring again and has told me I don't meet his 'needs.'

I'm curious how he will treat the children soon. He used us all to dissarm all the beautiful supply that came to his workplace.

Told me "I always mention "oh my wife does that - Even if you don't cause then they don't think I'm a creeper."

And I would get irritated he lies about me.

Now he'll probably only get them once in a while to snap a few photos and work on replacing me.

what a mess.

I believe not leaving was going to cost them anyway.....I realized he keeps me keyed up and he gets to be disney dad.


Well...Now I will go as low contact as possible and work on being ME 100 percent of the time and building back trust with my babies.

[escapingman]

falsebalance, I feel for you. You are almost word for word describing my relationship with uNPDx, it is soul destroying living with someone like that. Good luck with everything!

[falsebalance2]

Escaping Man I have been reading some of your boards....I haven't said anything because I'm only good for some moral support!!


I feel for you greatly!


I have found the worst salt in the wound recently is the well meaning "Praying he has a change of heart when he sees you moving out."

I say yes for the children I hope he changes....

But I feel people by good intentions are their own sort of flying monkeys by saying these things!

I have been bending backwards for many, many years and nearly lost my soul if it were possible just to avoid his terrible moods - and I never hit the winning code.

I heard it likened to a slot machine. We keep pulling and it is low payout IF any.

And now people say oh give it one last pull.

Sorry bit of a vent there...


anyway....


I wonder now about something. A pattern I have noticed.

When I went through a similar slow fade from my mother's life - she would pretend she didn't know I moved since I hadn't told her.

I would mail her cards WITH my new address - but she would send to my old address and I would get them through forwarding. 

Now as I'm packing things up and had mentioned over a week ago that I will be moving out - He silent treats me or occasionally speaks to me as if I'm a disliked subordinate at work....But has not mentioned anything.

I love how SOT stated turning the unknown into knowledge.....

I'm curious how he will react.

I thought to type him a letter and then realized he won't care what it says and/or anything can and will be used against me.

so I believe he KNOWS I'm moving out - but he wishes to further be the victim that his wife just 'up and left with the children.'

He had mentioned once he was afraid we had all packed up and left him when he didn't see my car in the driveway one day....And I found that to be so odd. He told me one of his worst fears was me 'having enough' and leaving him.


My DS found some childhood photos while we were packing and I have a great deal of empathy for Updh and what he went through. But I went through hell too - So I know he is responsible for what he does now as an adult.

I find myself dealing with waves of oscilating emotions. One moment I'm hoping he will suddenly snap out of destroying us and the next I realize it was all an illusion.


He doesn't want to 'lose' me because I am the one who took his crap better than any other woman.

I will be a loss to him but not as some imperfect person reflecting on where 'we went wrong,' but an entitled child going - But who will help me pay the bills now?!

That's his only love. Money.

[SonofThunder]

falsebalance2,

You wrote:  "I thought to type him a letter and then realized he won't care what it says and/or anything can and will be used against me."

I agree with you. I believe PD's enjoy us taking the time to go through motions of attempted communication because it makes them feel special to be the receiver of our efforts.  As you stated, they dont care and also, these informative letters, emails, texts are a written form of JADE, therefore more fuel for the PD and more confirmation for the PD that their actions/reactions have landed squarely on the bullseye of the target non. 

You also wrote:  "So I believe he KNOWS I'm moving out - but he wishes to further be the victim that his wife just 'up and left with the children."

I also fully agree with this. Imo, the ultimate position for the PD on the drama triangle is 'victim'.  In order to get to victim position, the PD typically starts in the persecutor position and waits for the non to  JADE. When JADE arrives, they reverse the roles and become the instant victim of JADE persecution. The other route to the victim side is by going the other direction through the rescuer mode.  The PD suggests a 'rescuer' to-do list for the non, designed around the needs of the PD, and when the non refuses, falls short of expectation, tires out from the workload, or simply quits because its not worth it, the PD lands squarely on victim mode once again. 

Either direction, the goal is victim mode for the PD because it satisfies their inner twisted need, that they did their part in the relationship dance, and all other relationship circles outside the non's circle will only hear about the PD being the victim.  Victim is a fantastic facade to hide behind. 

Imo, these drama triangle dances go on frequently and rapidly inside the larger IDD cycles of Idealization-Devaluation-Discard and hopeful repeat by Hoovering right back to Idealization to begin again.  When the non reaches a point they cannot be hoovered back around and the cycle stops, the PD moves into permanent Discard and the focus of the PD becomes something else.  You stated money was now the focus.

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Wow everything I need to be reminded of or told.

I do realize the letter would be written JADE.

As this is coming to an end for me - It is like a gush of red flags from the past are flooding my mind.

Speaking of written JADE

He would use carefully planned timing for breakups in the beginning. The first birthday I sufferered...er....had dating him he broke up with me for the weekend had me in shambles and then texted me he loved me when I went on to a lake without him.

I was the life of the party and he pushed that right out of me by punishing me for it.

And then after a year together I had opportunities for careers in a few fun places and he expressed to me it wouldn't work for him to move to those places...and then broke up with me a week later and I couldn't see the correlation. He sighted many problems about me - nothing to do with the world at my feet. He did this also to teach me the lesson that things would NOT be about me or the talent and skills I had that had amazing opportunities waiting for me. He shortly therafter claimed he found being a fireman to be his life long dream and was signing up and couldn't move for 6 months. All. Lies.

and then during my heartbreak I wrote him a letter...And he kept that letter forever. No sweet cards from our honeymoon (disaster)...or love letters.....But the letter I wrote when I was devestated and writing out all of my faults and flaws I planned on changing.

I found said letter in his things when cleaning his closet for him to his specs.

I broke down weeping remembering the trauma and asked him why he kept that letter. He shrugged and said he liked it. I said it was painful for me and asked him to throw it away.

I'll bet he still has that trophy someplace in one of his safes. Especially because I have a good memory - and recently he brought up some of my very OLD flaws which I have overcome. (which makes abuse amnesia so bizarre to me. I don't delete the files - they just get shoved down deep).

I suppose I can thank him because he has been SO critical of me it made me grow exponentially. And he cried that I outgrew him. Yep. Yep I did.

He is so secretive. He always claimed he was just boring.

But I have seen him peeking into my spare room I'm storing my things in and just observe. He is constantly taking mental notes.

And that is another cruel aspect of this. I will get no closure.

Despite nightmares of him getting violent - I think he'll reserve that for his fantasy life. I predict he will act as unbothered as possible, loud-yawning like he does to let me know how insignificant I am.

He told me for years as a 'joke,' I would never let you divorce me....I'll just kill you.....Haha.

I think all of his subtleties were to build me a prison out of words and fear and it used to be enough to keep me here.

He stated himself he needed to lighten up on me or the stress would kill me. He needs me. Not the other way around.

I'm still trying to pack slowly and methodically so to be as boring as possible. I think it was the best move to hire movers. I will feel safer this way and need to have it done in one fell swoop.

He will likely talk about how he will move out now and we need to sell the house....and then he'll probably stick around a few months because moving is hard work and he is above that.

He isn't being heinous today...Maybe I'm back in Idealize   

My next few months are going to be super interesting