Continuing to Heal/AHA Moment

[JustKeepTrying]

There is a part of me that is sharing my AHA moment for the feedback it will create.  I am beginning to recognize that is the codependent part of me.  That part that came out of living with my narc sis and my xOCPDh.  That craving for validation - I started to write need but it isn't.  It's a want.  Seeing that is an AHA alone.

But all of you here in this community have become family to me.  So I am sharing this AHA with my family that I know will see it for personal win it is.

I have been struggling with the concept of letting another person in my life.  Do I want to?  Morally? Religiously? Intimately?  What would dating look like?  Opening myself up to another person?  Tie myself up in all the ways that I just untied.  I went on two disastrous dates - hallmark movies must have been filming in the background as an example of what is wrong out there.   Horrifying.

An old friend, college friend, and I have been talking/texting for the past two years.  He was my best friend in college.  Lately there has been overt sexual flirting.  So I was interested and concerned.  We had lunch recently - he lives a good distance away - and I hinted that I would be interested in advancing our relationship.  It was not a no - it was not a no now - he like really punted it down field. 

I have been thinking of it a lot.  I put him in a box in my mind.  Closed the box and told myself that he was there and we were friends and boxing that relationship up is OK.  If he flirts, that's ok as well.  I will meet him where is and that's that.  I felt good about it.  Adult.  recovering in the codependent sense. 

And then I had a greater AHA today.  I don't know if I want him.  When I had that thought it was a profound feeling thought - not that conscious thought that you think you should have but a deep rooted feeling thought.  I don't know if I want him - right now - and that is OK.  Or want anyone.  And that is OK.  And when I do, I will have to completely authentically myself with them.  Truly deeply fart in front make up free bathroom door open authentic.  Like I am with my best friend.  Woh.

That profound feeling thought was followed with - and he better treat me like a queen.  Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I thought, a quick one with a glimmer of feeling - wow, I look good tonight.  There was a glow to my eyes and I really looked good.   Woh again.

I really feel that I am healing emotionally.  Which is good because this leg break has been killing me physically - it has been four brutal months and I just haven't felt good in a while.  But emotionally, I'm killing it.

Love to you all!

[Boat Babe]

Emotional healing is so wonderful. I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing. Let's continue to support each other to grow and live our best lives.