Letter to my dBPD mom

[Everglade]

I just sent this email to my mom in response to another email of hers unloading on me, and I am now crying and worried that she will be so upset she might hurt herself. I doubt she will actually hurt herself but I am worried about making her incredibly sad. I feel like this is saying what I've needed to say for years. I don't know if it's right or wrong. But a part of me is glad I finally said these things.

'Hi Mom, yes you have told me about your resentment against the doctors many times, and I have listened, and commiserated, and felt sad and angry for you, and wished I could fix things, and felt depressed and powerless because I can't. This has happened with all of the many problems you have had throughout your life, since I was a child. I have felt so burdened, so heavy, so tired, so hopeless, ever since I was little. I have empathy fatigue after decades. I have been burnt out for decades. I truly feel for you, I do. I don't really know what to say anymore. I can't fix it. I can't fix anything. All I've ever wanted is for you to love me, but I felt like I had to make you happy in order to get that love. Dad couldn't support you emotionally, so I filled that role, and it cost me dearly. But what other choice did I have? I hold both you and Dad responsible for this.

I can't keep commiserating with you about the same things over and over again. The house, old resentments you have, Dad, your friends, your regrets. I have heard these things over and over and over again, until I feel drained of all energy and joy and hope. All I want for you is to be happy so that you could love me in the way that I needed, but I've come to realise that nothing I do can fix your problems. And I'm tired of beating myself up because I can't help you. I'm tired of feeling powerless and depressed because I can't make you happy. But is that even my responsibility? It was an incredibly heavy responsibility to carry as a child. I'm sorry if this all sounds mean and blunt. But I have to be honest. Otherwise my sadness, anger and resentment grows.

I just hope that you can one day come to a place of peace and acceptance, and that we can have a relationship that centres on positive things. You say you loved being around Anita because she was so uplifting and positive. Why couldn't' you try to be like that too? My big fear is that if I throw off my (real or imagined) responsibility for you, that you will abandon me and not love me anymore. I will lose your love and support. That was the most terrifying prospect to me as a child. I felt I had to do something for you in order to deserve your love and support. But I have to step into the unknown and be ;selfish'. One of my biggest fears has always been to be called selfish. But I'm willing to risk being called selfish now. We can't keep having this enmeshed relationship. It has coloured my whole life. I have tried to rescue and fix other people because that's all I knew, I thought that was my responsibility. I feel like I lost my childhood carrying this heavy burden. I want to put it down now. If that makes me selfish, and makes you sad and angry, and I lose your love, that is the consequence I have to accept.

I truly hope that the op helps you and provides relief.'

[SunnyMeadow]

Sending a letter is such a scary thing. I remember it being all I could think about until a reply came back. I think we just get to a point that their behavior is so awful that we have to try to stop it in some way. I tried letters then started slowly backing away from her.

My mother would nit-pick a letter like this, dissecting each sentence to show how she was right. Or she would lay on the guilt trip about "her being my mother and how dare you".  It was a no win situation for me. I hope your mother can accept this letter as you intended and she can learn from it.

It's good you feel glad for finally saying these things. You are an adult and get to protect yourself. You did it in a very empathetic way and I think it's a good letter.

[Everglade]

Thank you so much for your response. Finally admitting that I'll never get what I need from my mom is hard, but it's necessary to separating and healing.

[wisingup]

Everglade - I think you've written a good letter.  The emphasis is on how you've felt through the years.  Now you can see how your mom will respond, & that will tell you what you need to know.  It is likely go one of two ways -

1) "I'm sorry Everglade - I didn't realize how much I burdened you.  I will try to be more positive in the future.  I love you & want a relationship that works for both of us"

2) Some variation on "I don't complain that much - you're too sensitive.  Why are you attacking me?  My feelings are so hurt.  You don't understand all I've been through."

And that will tell you what you need to know.  If it goes the way of #2 (which is most likely, IMO), you'll know that she is not in a place to make any changes or growth.  It will be you accepting the status quo, or choosing to limit your exposure to her. 

Good luck - keeping good thoughts for you.  This was a big step!

[Cat of the Canals]

What I hear in your letter, over and over, is how YOU feel. I don't hear a lot of blame or resentment or anger directed at your mother. Just sadness and grieving for what could/should have been. So if your mother interprets this as being about HER and not about YOU (and she almost certainly will, because we know how PDs think), then that's her problem. And shows again how one-sided this relationship is to her.

[moglow]

What I hear in your letter, over and over, is how YOU feel. I don't hear a lot of blame or resentment or anger directed at your mother. Just sadness and grieving for what could/should have been.

Same. And if mine got that letter I'd be blasted for "making it all about me." Well yeah, because I'm the one I'm responsible for. Like you said to yours, Everglade, I can't ever fix or help her stuff no matter how many times she spewed it all over me. I knew it, she knew it, she was just mad and "needed to vent." Or had to have someone to blame for the relentless misery and anger and resentments she clings to. And there we were, over and over again.

What do you do now, just sit back and dread her response because you dared share your own feelings? You've BEEN doing that for decades. Don't be afraid she'll be sad - she already is. You didn't make that worse by voicing your own. She gets to decide what she does with what you've shared, as do you. You're not trying to be heartless or cold or unfeeling, you're trying to be better for yourself.

Learn to live your boundaries in as peaceful and gentle way as you are able - you learn how to say No. Thank you, No. You may have to relentlessly change the subject, limit the calls/emails/texts, step away for a moment, leave entirely when necessary. Set "dates" for calls or visits and in between you don't call or visit, set time limits for those visits. Maybe start gradually if you're able - if you talk to her several times a week, back off to once or twice. Don't respond to recitations of the same old same old complaints and misery. Answer actual questions, talk about pleasant things. She can't do that? You can't either, so you end the call until next time.

It's not and won't be easy, and it won't change overnight. The only way to not fall back into old patterns is to not allow them. YOU have to change, and she'll either change with you or she won't. But you'll have gained a life you can live with.

[Everglade]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I got a good response from her. I realise now that it's kinder to us BOTH if I set boundaries and stand up for myself. There is a lot of rationality and self awareness in her response, and empathy. The only problem is she seems to have a memory problem and she changes, so after these kinds of lucid moments she goes back to her old ways. This is where I need to change, in the ways you have outlined.

[Everglade]

Her response: 'Oh [my name] - I am so, so sorry to have burdened you yet again.  I truly regret how I made you feel as a child - apologies from me just seem so lame, when I read how despairing I have made you feel.
I never consciously wanted to make you feel this way.  I don't know what to do to change, to shut up about my problems - they are not yours, and you shouldn't have to feel responsible. I must consciously do Step 6 each and every day, asking to have this massive defect lifted. I'm busy doing Step 4 and hope to uncover a lot of underlying reasons why I've been such a terrible drain on you emotionally. We've spoken about this before, but it's quite scary how I passed on to you subconsciously how I felt I had to make Granny happy in order for her to love me - and you picked this up and did the same.

I am glad you say you want to put down this heavy responsibility and I hope you can truly throw it off and feel free.  To live your life without worrying about rescuing me. I want that for you.
No matter what you do, I will always love and support you.  I never abandoned you through your using years, did I?  Not once did I stop loving you.  I always wanted to support and help you.  So you will not be selfish or risk losing my love by refusing to entertain any more of my moaning - it will not make me sad and angry, and again, nothing will make me stop loving you - you are my beautiful daughter of whom I am so proud.
I feel so ashamed at how I have made you feel - you are such a sensitive, kind and empathetic person, that I have taken advantage of you. Without realising it - I have been very selfish.

It's very unfair that you felt so sad, so heavily burdened and depressed all through your childhood, and I wish so much that I had been a different person and mother to you. I have huge regret.  The only way I could make amends is through no longer burdening you with my problems and resentments. I will consciously do that - and if I should forget this, I would like you to remind me that you don't want to be a sounding board, that is not your job.  I need to be told this, because it's so hurtful to you when I do this and now it's time for you to be firm - it really isn't your responsibility to make me happy.  It is a most dreadful character defect that I simply have to do something about, even if it's too late to have prevented your suffering for so many years. I will ask Peter to help me make some cognitive changes.
I understand that you have needed space from me recently - you can have as much space as you need - we don't have to speak for a while. We can just message and write.

Again, I am so very sorry. I love you very much.
Mom xxxx

[hhaw]

(((Everglade)))
My T and I were discussing generational trauma and how it can be stopped, hopefully healed, with one generation.

I hope your mom is truly supportive of you and your desire to be the one who breaks the cycle.  It was a good letter you sent.  I hope her response is the beginning of change and growth for everyone.

You're so worthy. 

[SunnyMeadow]

The reply from her is so much more than I would have expected. She really does sound regretful and I'm stunned. How I wish I would've gotten a reply like this.

How are you feeling after receiving it?

[LemonLime]

Wow!  Everglade, count me as stunned as well.   This is a remarkable amount of insight from a PD.  I am thrilled for you!   As small as a step as it might be, it's progress.  And she didn't eviscerate you as I feared she might.   

[Danie]

I think your letter is great! You were specific, non-blaming, very clear and kind. I wouldn't hold my breath for an answer, if you actually get one that would be a bonus.

I've written 1 letter to my mom that I actually mailed. I made sure there was nothing she could push back on and she didn't. I've actually written several that I didn't mail and never intended to. I found those letters were very powerful toward healing; not right away, but over time.