In need of help!

[jasonB67]

First off, thank you to anyone who is willing to read the following and take the time to respond. I never thought I would be here but I cannot seem to understand my current relationship and/or get-out-of it no matter how bad it gets.

I have often questioned if the problem is me, and in fact I wonder if I'm actually the narcissist or someone with commitment issues who is hurting others and then playing a victim.

I was in a ten plus year relationship with my HS sweetheart and it eventually didn't work-out because of me. About half way through, I became unsure if I wanted her forever, and the idea of dating new people became very intriguing to me. I was too much of a coward to tell her the truth so I dragged the relationship along for years until finally she broke it off with me due to the constant fighting and arguing which was mostly caused by me. Looking back, I think I was causing issues so she would break up with me even though a huge part of me didn't want to let her / us go. Furthermore I would seek friendships from people I was more attracted to and had more common interests with, and towards the end of the relationship I could be found creating online relationships with other women. I am writing a little history first because I want a fair assessment of my current situation.

After my ten + year relationship I went to counseling (to "win" her back), but realized that wasn't what I should be doing and fell in love with counseling. I went for 4 years and loved every session. Our main focuses were communication and anger management. Since then, as far as my dating life, I had a 1.5 year infatuation firework, long distant relationship with a woman I thought was my soul mate and the reason my first gf and I didn't work out. That relationship didn't work out as she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend of three years before me. Then I tried my luck with a girl ten years younger than me, but ultimately we didn't have much in common. Then I went through a casual dating phase. I wasn't finding fulfillment however so I decided to go no sex and no dating for 1.5 years as I worked on myself and worked on finding a career (always a missing piece in my life - was paycheck to paycheck to that point). With all of this said though, I have always felt happy every single day. As long as my family and friends are healthy I can find enjoyment by going to the gym, hanging out with friends and family, and staying active.

After this year and a half, I was in a good place and felt ready to take someone seriously. I was open to anything that arose irl as well as I had a bumble account that I would occasionally check.

Lets just insert ourselves into my story here: In a weird timing of events (you'll see why later), my ex (the long distance relationship that didn't work) said she was moving to my area and asked if she could crash with me for a month or two until she got situated with a job. I said yes. She was coming in a month at this point.

Two weeks later:

I matched on Bumble with my current gf. I was so happy because she was someone I knew from my past (met and stayed friends on social media for years with the occasional conversation).

We met up and had sex the first night. Probably a huge mistake on my end but I was so attracted to her and it had been a while for me.

The very next day I reached out to my (long distance) ex (see weird timing comment above) and told her that I had just met someone from my past on Bumble, and that i wanted to give it a real shot which meant she could no longer come crash with me. She was upset of course but understood and wished me luck.

This new girl and I hung out every day for the first month. We watched movies together, had a lot of sex and cuddles, and she would make me dinner often and do other thoughtful things. She would tell me that she has never met anyone like me before or had as strong of feelings as she was developing for me.  I felt the same way. She was especially happy because I was ok with her being a single mother (I didn't mind because my brother had recently become a single father after finding out his gf of 6 years was cheating on him the entire time and I felt like that would be unfair if someone didn't give him a chance because of that).

I constantly asked her if I was the only one she was talking to / sleeping with, for safety reasons and because we were talking about having strong feelings towards one another. Also, I felt ready. Fast forward a month..we were now "official" for a week, and I asked if her ex of 3 years and her had been talking because occasionally I'd see texts and calls from him, and one night her and her friend lied to me when I knew she was on the phone with him. Also, there was one night where I got such a bad gut feeling that maybe she was lying in regards to her and him...In an attempt to "prove" she wasn't still talking to him (at week 4), she called him on the phone. He was upset she called and asked why she she enjoys fu*king with him and his emotions. The conversation was abruptly ended by her when they were arguing and he said "is that why you fu*ked me.... " She hung up. I was of course intrigued and called him myself as I left her house. I called it off with her that night and him and I talked for three days about how she was a liar and a cheater and all sorts of bad things. He told me that the night I felt weird (day 7 of talking / hanging out / sleeping with her), they had sex in her car because she wanted to prove to him that her and I were not having sex yet. Hours later, that night, she came home, showered, and had sex with me.

After I called it off and left (I had been sleeping at her house every night since day 2) she called and texted me hundreds of times saying she was sorry and that people / she can change etc... also she showed me texts that he was still trying to get back with her and made me believe that she must not be such a monster if he was still trying to make things work with her. Also she contended that we were not even technically together when she did that (7 days into us "talking" / hooking up / dating but not official) and that she wasn't lying when (week 4) she said they had not been in contact or sleeping together. Nor had they been since that one time, and especially not since we became official.

The things that really upset me were that she was able to lie to me until fully caught. Also the day I caught her, or she caught herself, I noticed something very strange. We hadn't had sex yet that day even though I was trying. As I was leaving her house she was physically holding onto me and saying " we can have sex, please just stay"... then when I left the room I had this weird inclination that her tears were alligator tears. I walked back into her room maybe 10 seconds after she was hysterically balling her eyes out.. her eyes looked dry and she was scrolling on her phone.

Fast forward, I stayed strong for a week and ignored all of her calls and texts, and I even invited that ex (the one who wanted to move in with me) to come live with me. Basically in my head thinking "fu*k this new girl..I'm done wit her.

I slowly conceded however and bought into it just being a moment of weakness with a guy she had been dating for three years and that she was right, we were not technically together during that time, even though she had been telling me I was the only one...

3 weeks after this I finally got the guts to tell her that my ex had been living in my apartment since we broke up the first time. She was livid and told me to get her out even though I had only been back to my apartment twice out of respect, and because it was quarantine so I stayed with my gf every day and night since day 2 of meeting.

She uses this (my ex living with me without her knowing) as an end-all excuse to everything..

Here is a montage of events that I've found to be weird in our relationship..

during covid she would constantly say she was going crazy being inside and always found reasons to go do things by herself, and she would get all done up with a skirt or dress on, fully-done make up, and fully shaved everywhere. It made me feel weird. I think one day a recorder ended up in her car . .. well when she came home, after 4 hours at Target, there was one bag of hardly anything..

on that recorder, if there even was one  , 7 minutes after she was parked it sounded like sex in the car next to her. Moaning and lots of movement sounds. I confronted her in this story  , and she got pissed, told her mom I was accusing her, and flipped out. Weird part was I had a buddy check the cameras because he had a friend who works there. Her timing was on, that she did just go into the store after getting there and then left right after her receipt time. But, even weirder was one week later we joked about the incident when we were at that Target together and she randomly said that she would go in then come out to do the deed in case anyone was following her. I asked why she would say that and she said "I'm just thinking of how the stupid story in your head could actually be possible, I watch a lot of Lifetime movies." ..I still can't figure out why she said this but then I told my buddy and apparently his camera guys said there were 3 people who could possibly match her description who left shortly after she entered. But they couldn't say for sure. So it was always just a burning possibility and weird coincidence in my head... Also, mix that with her talking about car sex in her past and even a hookup or two in a car, and it was constantly burning my brain.

Then there was a night we were at the ocean getting photos taken. She was all done up. My phone dropped into the ocean and we tried to find a way to recover it but quickly it became such a burden to her and her time. She wanted to leave and when I said I wanted to keep looking for it, she scolded me for wasting so much of her time. Then as I ran to the Verizon store to get a new one, she ran to the store without her son (left him with her mother), and then made up some random story about calling someone on the way regarding my phone and that it would be $500 for them to dive into the ocean and get it. Then later just said she was messing with me and that she made up that story. It was so random... Also, when she got back from the store and I got back from Verizon she wouldn't kiss me or show affection. Mix that with her continuously grabbing her crotch area to pull her shorts down... and she needed another shower and to get done up again before we went back out with a friend. It was weird because I never heard anything all day from her needing to go to the store and she went when I clearly had no phone and no contact with her. Also it was the same (Target) parking lot as above.

Then there was a day we were "broken up" which we've done a lot, and she reached out to 3 exes / ex flings after going to the winery. She also got a guys number at that winery that day because "he was nice" and buying them bottles of wine, but she didn't do anything with him or plan on it. She was just being friendly and then immediately blocked his number and told him she wanted to work things out with me. She called him in front of me that night to prove the story. Also, she said she the reason she had reached out to those other 3 guys was because I was ignoring her and she wanted to feel wanted. Also that night, she called them in front of me to prove to me that she didn't cross any lines. They also corroborated.

Then there was a day I brought flowers to her at work and left them on her car. She called when she was off and asked if I left the house that day. Then later said she was just messing with me to get me to say I brought her flowers. 

Then there was the constant allowing of exes to follow her and engage (heart eyes) on her IG photos and stories after she basically made me delete any exes off of mine. Her excuse for having me delete mine is that I want her to delete hers. It's a never ending argument that's very annoying to me.

After these incidents above and finding out that she has fake emails and social medias to "stalk exes" I basically went crazy and turned into a stalker and accuser myself. It got so bad, she told me she'd take a polygraph to prove that she had never been with another man since we were official. I told her to do it, because I was tired of her claims with no following through. She passed it with flying colors, and it was a polygraph with an eye test, apparently making it more accurate.

I couldn't believe it. I started researching online and everything pointed to narcissism. She cares what people think so much. It's like she doesn't even care about our relationship at times, but more-so what people would think of our relationship. The way she tells stories to people are full of lies and it always victimizes herself and points the blame at me. She paints me in the worst light. Another thing is that she always seems to be in competition with me and doesn't seem happy about my accomplishments. Also, she doesn't seem to be that interested in me or asking about things in my life. I remember one time a good friend of mine passed away to a heart attack and I got the call while golfing. I told her when she called me and clearly I was shaken up. I noticed that after that call it was never asked about it again, even after I got home that day. I thought that was strange. Another thing is that when we've broke up she's threatened / eluded to seek other men, go on dating sites, and she has defamed me online.

Random fact that's also going through my mind: she cares so much about her son matching with his outfits and looking good and will tell him if he's not. This feels like her primary concern as to how I'm "taking care of him" any time we go do anything together. Also she spends almost all day on her phone and on social media rather than spending time with me or her child. She blames this on us, and in regards to her son, she says that he doesn't like to do anything she likes to do.

There are so many more examples but I just want to know peoples thoughts so far. I feel insane... Let's do a few more examples actually:

Recently there was an ex who reached out to her and added her on instagram (her account is private). He wrote her a long DM about him being single now and that he's so sorry for how he treated her. Also that he has always thought about what they could have been. She told me she wanted to add him for 24 hours so he could see how happy she was (with me) and that he was the one who missed out by not taking her seriously because she had a child. I said that it wouldn't make me feel very comfortable, nor would that be healthy. She did it anyways, and once he started sending her heart eyes after seeing me and congratulating her for finding happiness, I told her I want him off of her page because it felt disrespectful to me. (I'm definitely not in a place to feel super confident within our relationship to not care). She did not delete him after 24 hours so I wondered why. She said she didn't want me to be telling her when she can and cannot delete or add someone. Then after 72 hours I got upset and left, telling her I can't be with someone who needs that, and who also doesn't follow through with their word. Hours later she told me she deleted him and asked me to come back. I did.

Fast forward to this morning (maybe 4 weeks later). I asked if his messages were still in the "message requests" because if they were that means she for sure never responded. But, it is nowhere to be found so my fear is that she reached out to him, then deleted it because she wouldn't want me to see what she wrote. Mix this with me seeing (when I creeped on her) her write a guy years ago, telling him that her bf (at the time) might reach out, so to let the bf know they "never did anything". The guy responded "well we haven't" but I'm not sure if the guy was just being clever...? Not my time, but still eyebrow raising for me..

Oh also, a few months back she wanted to go meet up with an old friend at a winery who was coming back into town. I wondered why she wanted to go without me for once since we were both friends with her, and then I wondered why she wanted to go there. I always feel like she wants to be in "the scene" or in a place where she can have her wandering eyes and seek attention from the opposite sex. I told her I felt uncomfortable with her going to a place like that without me since the last time she did, she got drunk and met a guy, and then called 3 exes. Ultimately she didn't care, and called her friend to belittle me, in front of me for feeling that way. She then got dressed very provocatively (I've always thought she dresses to seek attention and validation from the opposite sex), so I made a comment. She again tried to belittle me in front of her friend for saying that. Then she threw a fit and said "you want me to wear grandma clothes?" I said yeah I'd feel better about it, so then she wore something more "sexy" and left the house "mad". Well that day she got so blacked out drunk that she ended up in the hospital. I had to drive an hour to go get her while her friend was crying thinking she would die. I picked her up and she was very unusually lovey towards me, She wanted me to drive her car home and leave mine there. I did. Then for the next two days she started fights with me for no reason and would say we aren't going to get my car. I eventually said I can't be in a relationship where I go out of my way like I did only to have that same person not even drive me back to get my car. I kissed her on the face and she asked if she could trust me to tell me something. She then told me she made out with a guy at the bar. I flipped, punched a hole in the wall and left angry and hurt. I called the friend she was with to get details and the friend told me that my gf was the aggressor and was talking to the guy, and then got on top of him to grind and makeout. Her top came off and eventually she ended up passing out and being taken to the hospital. How she interprets this incident is that her friend is shitty and should have stopped her. So she cut the friend off and is convinced someone either drugged her or took advantage of her because she doesn't "remember it". Her friend says she's a liar and manipulator and that I should leave her. She also said she's a manipulator and terrible mother. My gf had also reached out to this friend, which I predicted in a text, to tell her to tell me she was lying about the cheating incident and that it never happened. Obviously the friend thought she was crazy and said no. 

There are so many more things. She constantly is secretive with her phone but I've been everywhere on it. Ive stalked, I've creeped, and really can't find anything. Once I found a swingers a discreet hookup flyer at a nearby bar that I know she's never been to, in her deleted photos. We were 2 hours away when she received it (via the timestamp) but of course when I confronted her she said she doesn't know anything about it but that she saw something weird in her camera roll and just deleted it. She said that maybe she just clicked it and downloaded it on accident, then deleted it..

Also, our lack of sex anymore in concerning. It was so hot and heavy for the first 5 months, then hardly any. She also uses it as a weapon or for leverage. She tells me she's just not into it because of all the accusations though.

She constantly disrespects me and seems to finds every little thing wrong with me. She gets mad if I fall asleep while rubbing her at night. She kicks me out of the house constantly and then asks me to come back and bring something (usually household supplies). Or if I come back, she wants rubs. But I better not fall asleep while rubbing her...then she will ask "why did you even com back over?"

She claims I use her "for groceries," even though I pay the full rent and we wanted to be 50 / 50.

She asks why I don't marry her or have babies with her, and when I tell her why she says "you're getting so old, what are you waiting for".....then says "well I don't want to have sex then, I'm tired of just having sex." I always tell her I'd like a solid relationship with solid communication before thinking about bringing another child onto this earth and marrying her..

I'll stop here, I can go for days, but if anyone read this novel, I would love to hear opinions. Also she won't do counseling. She tried but I was baffled at how she'd talk to her counselor. Her counselor was fooled. She thought I was the most abusive human on earth and it was all my fault.

Anyways, I'd love to have some feedback. Thank you for letting me vent... 

[Starboard Song]

I didn't hear the part where she makes you happy. I didn't hear the part where you consistently love her and feel consistently loved by her. I didn't hear the part where she was able for even a month at a time to meet your expectations. I did see the parts where she is disrespectful, inconsiderate, and on a totally different page than you. Over and over and over. I saw the part where she flatly cheats on you or acts like she does, or where -- in any case -- you worry about it all the time. You may have your own issues, sure. But she exacerbates them, if so. I saw the part where you spy on her with recording devices and cameras, leer over or spy upon her social media, and interrogate all her male acquaintances.

I don't think you should invest in further consideration of whether she has this or that personality disorder. Could be. Or maybe not.

Ask yourself this: do I want to be in a relationship with the kind of person that leads me to write this post? Or do I want to be in a relationship where we are just in love, and hang out together and have great times, and this crap never happens? If a person is toxic for you, it doesn't matter much why that is. What matters is that you deserve a relationship that meets your expectations.

[NarcKiddo]

 

I read the OP a couple of days ago but wasn't really sure what to say. All I knew was it just seemed to be a relationship that is not working and may never be able to work.

[jasonB67]

thank you both so much for your replies. I will work towards making the right decision here. It is pretty evident that I am not happy and this pattern continues. I'm just scared of leaving because the times I actually has, she has defamed me online and to my friends and family, as well as threatened to hurt herself. She has even shown me on video that she will hurt herself if I don't come back. I feel bad to leave and also hope things will change. I'm sure this is the thing everyone says.. Are there any good ways to get over this part of it, or deal with these kinds of things? I do love her so I can't just not care..

Thank you again

[Boat Babe]

This woman is a nightmare (based on your post). There is no happy future with her, only pain, confusion and eventually loss of self esteem and sanity. You don't want that in your life.

She has smeared you to people in your life already. You don't want that in your life.

Anyone who threatens suicide to hold on to you is deeply manipulative and, quite frankly, really unpleasant. You don't want that in your life.

She has cheated multiple times. You don't want that in your life.

Get out while you can. If you read some of the posts of people here who have endured decades of abuse you will see what your future holds if you stay. You really don't want that life for yourself.

No-one should be abused. Unfortunately we know it happens. It has happened to you. The ONLY thing you can do now is to save yourself by getting the hell away, going totally No Contact and put in the work and time to recover from this. This is one decision you won't regret this time next year.

You are heard and understood here and will get lots of support and excellent advice from Out of the FOG members. Sending hugs.

[Starboard Song]

I'm just scared of leaving because the times I actually has, she has defamed me online and to my friends and family, as well as threatened to hurt herself. She has even shown me on video that she will hurt herself if I don't come back....... I do love her so I can't just not care..

I encourage you to separate two concepts. We love our children, our parents, our friends, and -- yes -- our lovers. It is quite easy for some of us. I love many many people. It is right and normal to love a large community of people. But romantic relationships are few and far between in our lives, in a sense. Many people have fewer than 5 or so in their lifetime. Few have more than a couple dozen serious loves of this sort across decades. So we simply have to accept that we can love someone without wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them. It MUST BE that we can love someone but know it isn't right. Accepting that intellectually is half the game. Reconciling that with our poor hearts is the other.

You love her, and so you will always be kind, honest, and plain spoken. You will never call her names. You will refrain from generalizations or any accusations. But, because you love her, you want her to be in a relationship that works for all parties. You want her to be in a place where she needn't cheat. Where her partner needn't spy on her. Where she can be happier. This isn't where she is today, by your account.

Accepting and processing her threats of self harm is hard work. It is important to consider whether these seem like plausible threats, and you should consider contacting Emergency Resources if you think it is necessary.

Then, consider these mental tactics. First, her reaction is -- as you can see by those words -- hers. Read the My Stuff / Your Stuff page for an explanation of how important it is to know the difference. Another important thing to read about is the 51% Rule. This rule observes that we must always take just a little tiny bit more care of ourselves than of anyone else. There are good and kind reasons for this. One is this: as they say on the airplanes, you must apply your own oxygen mask first, before you can help others. The other is pragmatic: each of us is classic Our Stuff. It is our JOB to care for ourselves.

You will always care. You will always want the best for her. I want the Ukrainians to remain independent. I want some young children I know to prosper. I want my cousin to have better financial prospects. I want a friend to kick the drugs. I care about all these things and more. But they aren't mine. You have to decide if she is rightly yours.

Be good. Be strong.