When they are leaving for a trip

[Prototypian]

When my uOCPdw is leaving for a trip, everyone else has to be worked up.   The rest of us have to be involved because of the exasperated explosive nature.   First, she never leaves at any time that she thinks.   It's always multiple hours later which can result in missed flights but on those days where we have long drives it means driving late.

Second she must have everyone involved at her beck and call but only she may touch or load anything.   I often try to disappear.  She once couldn't find an item of camping gear and I swear there must have been 100 phone calls asking and she delayed departing to wait for me to get home.   She somehow gets these ideas thag because some (pick it-tarp, clothesline, tent stake, pot or pan) is missing then someone who has not been played 20 questions on the subject must know exactly where it is.   When I was a kid in boy scouts my friends and I would routinely have this rule we were leaving for camping by 4 when school got out at 330 on a Friday.   There was no crying if you forgot your sleeping bag and we made it with screw up over and over.   We just liked to get out there.   There is a concern suddenly that the propane tank which was new might not fit the stove.   She is sure that "the threads look different"  I know you have to treat people with anxiety nicely but in this case there wasn't some sort of special propane tank we got from an exchange.  It's the same kind it always is.   But I had to come out during work, help unpack everything and we had to hook up the stove then test it. 

I swear of she had been in charge of D Day they would still be working on the plans today.

[Cat of the Canals]

I rarely take formal out-of-town vacations as an adult because I learned as a child that vacation = STRESS. I doubt there was a single family trip that wasn't ruined by PDmom and ENdad bickering. I only remember what a few of the fights were even about (one of the biggest was a disagreement about which way to turn out of the airport parking lot  ) because they were always about something stupid and inconsequential.

Now that I think about it, any event out of the norm (like having guests at the house) led to the same kind of thing. No wonder I prefer my days to be boring and predictable!

I hope for your sake that this is a trip she's going on without you so that you have a few days of peace. 

[justducky]

I doubt there was a single family trip that wasn't ruined by PDmom and ENdad bickering.

I hear ya. uPD father created a ridiculous amount of drama around any sort of trip. He also made everyone late. I hate long car trips to this day.

Jsinjin, I'm sorry that you and your kids have had to endure this sort of PD torture for so long. Your cottage will be bliss!

[Cat of the Canals]

Actually, this reminded me of something I've been meaning to ask (and I don't think I've asked before)... it's clear she's very fixated and rigid about rules, but it seems that TIME does not factor into this - or maybe it's just that time always takes a backseat to the other minutiae?

You've said she's frequently very late to functions with a set start time, and that strikes me as odd for someone that is obsessed with right/wrong, since most people would consider being late to an event rude/wrong. And I think you've said it's gone so far that you have almost missed flights... would that not offend her sense of "waste?"

This is obviously a question of pure curiosity, and you can't answer for her, but I'm wondering if you have insight as to why being punctual seems to be such a low priority.

[Prototypian]

I've wondered about that but your question is on the right path for something she rationalizes.   She doesn't consider time constraints to be a factor in "right vs wrong".   Somehow in her mind, missing a flight, being laye for an event-movie, dinner, award presentation, graduation, even work- is completely justified by the "correct" way things should be done.   But I think that's still about control.   Her greatest fear and place where I have seen her mentally break down most often is when she has a combination of not being in complete control and not having all.of the full information about the rules.   Her psychology and brain can't function in places like this example: a giant event like Iike an enormous sporting event, boarding a flight or attending a concert where the rules of lines, having your tickets scanned, going through metal detectors is not necessarily spelled out but everyone infers what to do.   She literally has been sobbing and unable to function and we have left those kind of things before ever entering.   She especially loses it when the people working are only intent on moving you through without answering questions like they're the people with wands at a big sports event checking bags and doing metal detection and their only goal is to move this line of tens of thousands of people through quickly and safely and they just want each individual to get checked and move on.   She can't stand it because she wants to know what is actually right or wrong (at least that's my supposition).  She gets very frustrated and then breaks down if they don't have time to answer her questions.   We wind up leaving often because she can't take it.   I think the average person sees that mess and assumes it all works and is interested in going to the event.   She wants to go to the event but in the right way for everything.   

In the camping example, I grew up camping and backpacking my whole adolescence with eagle scout, backpacking trips and camping more days than sleeping Ina bed most summers.  While there are some things you learn that are important like staying dry and keeping your stuff dry, the rest doesn't have many rules.  That's a recipe for her to lose it.  I mean anger, emotional breakdown and sometimes being incapacitated.   

So yes, to answer your question, it's far better to be late than wrong and she is absolutely brilliant and incredibly high functioning in filing for bureaucratic delays if she doesn't think something is right.   Example of that, in the usa we have a college financial thing called a FAFSA that is related to student financial aid.  We have a son attending college this fall.   Its a requirement that you fill in a FAFSA for all incoming students and the school accounting is pretty strict about it.   Our sons coaches and academic advisors keep sending him requests to get it turned in.  She has filed a little known federal waiver appeal to choose not to report it.   It's not because she doesn't want to.   The deadline ws supposed to be January.  But she has not had time to research the thing to her level of understanding and won't under any circumstances let me do it for fear of it being wrong.  I known its about two pages of stuff from last years tax returns. 

It doesn't hurt him because my income levels technically don't qualify for any federal aid for his college so I'm not that worried and the college simply wants everyone to turn it in to have the box checked for their federal aid packages.   She had to have taken way way more time researching and finding that loophole paperwork to file the waiver.  But her absolute fear of anything not being right like deductions, details on mortgages or college savings in the right boxes on it are crippling.   She doesn't want to do it without being able to asked a large group of people very detailed questions and she would prefer that our financial advisor plus tax attorney plus someone from the university all be on a call at one time to allow her to ask many questions from different directions. 

This sounds like a caricature but it's very real.   The "right" way is more important than anything else in the whole world.   Forms, rules, processes and order exist for a reason and they are absolute and it should not ever be ignored. 

Again in over 25 years of marriage in four houses we have owned there has never been a single piece of artwork or photo hung anywhere on any wall because of the fear of doing it wrong.   She can't handle me sending mail even for my work or business dealings if I don't use the absolute to the letter rules for addresses stated on the USPS rules for lettering, lines for specific parts, all caps and evennthat four digit thing at the end of a zip code-to the point that I have had to mail things for my business and she sees the mail and will take it to "mail it herself" and then It doesn't go out.   I have to hide things I and mailing or she tries to keep them from being sent.   This is like letters to my lawyer or tax forms or other stuff for my consulting company.   And when I confront her she has this combined breakdown of bawling and anger that people just don't care about the rules and she just can't handle it.   The whole family has leaned to simply hide our normal business activities from her.

[Poison Ivy]

I am amazed and very concerned that you are still in this relationship, jsinjin.