The Narcissist Wants to Absorb You -

[Hazy111]

Ive repeated the last few paragraphs from Sam Vaknins article about Narc abuse from twitter . (The earlier ones deal with the causes  and the failure to individuate and separate in early childhood).

May help people recognise what theyre really dealing with. NB Male narc

Because the child has not separated and individuated, the child sees the mother as him, and he as her, they are one. When the child is unable to restore a feeling contact, he internalizes a hard, unresponsive emotional core. This leaves the child with a melancholic attachment to an internalized absence. The adult narcissist attempts to recreate this psychological dynamic with his romantic partner, by sucking the life out of her, making her a more accurate clone of his original mother.

This is a very complex psychological dynamic in which the narcissist's partner must suspend her autonomy and individuality. Like acid, the narcissist dissolves his partner. He melts her boundaries, her sense of self.

He infiltrates her psyche. He gets in her head, like a parasite. The two become one mind, a hive mind. The narcissist regresses his partner; he infantiles her, he renders her inseparate. He wants to convert her from an external autonomous other into an internal object, a representation of his emotionally dead mother.

[losingmyself]

Okay, that gave me chills...
It's true, though!

[Empie2204]

Everything Sam Vaknin elaborates about the core of the narcissistic relationship is true and he doesn´t beat about the bush. It is painful and he describes everything in full measure.

Reading or listening to him is like taking a heavy medicine that can help but has even heavier side effects of nausea. It reveals where we are...or were... and how sick it was.

[falsebalance2]

yiiiiiikes 

Some of the things online make me go okay reaching a bit....

But this is eerily how it feels.

Also when I get compliments on how many children I am managing - updh makes one of his favorite 'jokes' that the person 'forgot one' and sends his hand to his proud chest.


I loathe the polite laughter that follows.

I hold a great deal of empathy and compassion to updh for what was done to him......But I can't be his mommy.

He really started to become worse when we had children and I could no longer color-code his closet and alphabetize his dvds 

Now he has told me I meet NONE of his needs. And the thing is he often recieves a lot of outside support because in some non pd relationships children can take too much priority and the marriage suffers.

Boy have I learned to stop dolling out advice to people I don't see in the privacy of their homes.

He has people feeling so sorry for him.

It is like when the baby sees the toddler climb into your lap.....They come and try to destroy that closeness for fear they will cease to exist.

This is what my updh does any time I offer myself to others. And I didn't realize how this is how I exist in the world - and how isolation nearly killed my spirit.

I have held on to the 'toddlers' in my life and ignored his tantrum....and the onlookers say 'poor, poor baby!' And I say NO! That's a grown man and he needs to stop this!

[guitarman]

*** Trigger Warning ***

I can identify with you calling the behaviour childish.

I have an uBPD/NPD sister. I call her infantile loud emotional outbursts tantrums. If she doesn't get what she wants she threatens suicide, rages or storms off slamming the front door behind her.

Her behaviour reminds me of the child character in the Just William stories of Violet Elizabeth Bott who, if she doesn't get what she wants, threateningly says "I'll scream and scream and scream until I'm sick and I can."

I have young nieces and nephews and their behaviour is less childish than hers, if that makes any sense. An adult who behaves like a child, still emotionally insecure and frightened. A grown adult having an emotional tantrum, shouting and screaming, can be terrifying to witness.

I remind myself that I have to remain the adult that I am and not revert to becoming childish as well and not get provoked into shouting back at her. So I remain calm and wait for the tantrum to subside.

I felt that my uBPD/NPD sister was frightened, scared and felt threatened. Like a child she needed constant reassurance that everything would be alright. It could be unsettling to witness the adult suddenly switch to become a child. I never knew who she would be. She is high functioning but then could collapse shaking on the floor in a foetal position crying and sobbing. Everything was extreme.

I don't know what her unmet needs were. There were so many. She could behave like an adult, telling everyone else what to do and how to behave or like a frightened little child.

I have had no contact with her for over two years and never want to see her ever again. I would only get sucked back into her life again and be the constantly abused but reassuring parent. I can't do that any more. I can't cope.

This doesn't all make any logical sense to me. I still don't fully understand her behaviour. I don't suppose that I ever will.

[Pickles66]

The title of this post grabbed my attention, and then the Sam Vankin quote really spoke to me. Thank you so much for sharing.

This is a concept I have been trying to put into words since my very likely UNPDH died a few years ago.  The more I read, the more it makes sense.

I only started to consider his part in our toxic marriage,  because of my amazingly rapid recovery of my self after his death. I believed I was completely to blame for everything,  and he was a hero, and a victim, because he stayed for me and the children.

I always felt that there was something "off" about his parents, but he maintained that it was all down to my experience with my own dysfunctional family. 

However, despite being able to enjoy the company of his family,  and his mother in particular,  I still sensed a big issue. Looking back, his parents were only an problem to me when it was just me and him. Not when I was with his family. He , on the other hand, was very aggressive with his parents.

Firstly,  although pleasant,  she was the least caring person imaginable. The more upsetting the situation,  the more cold and distant she became.

When H was terminally ill with an aggressive brain tumour, her one reaction was that she supposed there  were people walking around with worse things.

After H death, his brother admitted that H was always very angry with their parents,  something I always picked up on, but H denied absolutely.

Over 30 years, I became utterly non existent.

Like a previous poster,  having children made things especially bad. I became increasingly anxious and depressed,  suicidal and in excruciating pain all over my body. CPTSD, for sure,  not cured  but hugely improved now.


I have struggled with so much guilt for being so much happier without my H, and his family.  But reading around the subject of narcissism has helped me understand what happened. Not just to me, but to my damaged H and his parents before him. And to my damaged parents, who passed their pain onto me. I have accepted and forgiven us.

I don't post often,  but I find reading all of your thoughts so helpful.

[Pepin]

Utterly chilling....even though my DH is not a narcissist, he could easily pass for one at times due to the amount of fleas and manipulation he endured as Ana enmeshed son.  When we were in CN MIL's presence, DH would immediately revert back to being son - which left me confused and alienated as his wife.  I didn't know or understand who he was because it didn't align with who he was when we were on our own. 

I know the feeling of being drained so well.  Reflecting back over the years before CN MIL passed - I'm saddened for all that she did to derail me - of course with DH close by her side the way she wanted it.  My husband rarely stuck up for me after we married and moved closer to CN MIL.  It was as if he was sucked into her vacuum.  I felt like an outsider, a third wheel - like I didn't belong.   

[escapingman]

Ive repeated the last few paragraphs from Sam Vaknins article about Narc abuse from twitter . (The earlier ones deal with the causes  and the failure to individuate and separate in early childhood).

May help people recognise what theyre really dealing with. NB Male narc

Because the child has not separated and individuated, the child sees the mother as him, and he as her, they are one. When the child is unable to restore a feeling contact, he internalizes a hard, unresponsive emotional core. This leaves the child with a melancholic attachment to an internalized absence. The adult narcissist attempts to recreate this psychological dynamic with his romantic partner, by sucking the life out of her, making her a more accurate clone of his original mother.

This is a very complex psychological dynamic in which the narcissist's partner must suspend her autonomy and individuality. Like acid, the narcissist dissolves his partner. He melts her boundaries, her sense of self.

He infiltrates her psyche. He gets in her head, like a parasite. The two become one mind, a hive mind. The narcissist regresses his partner; he infantiles her, he renders her inseparate. He wants to convert her from an external autonomous other into an internal object, a representation of his emotionally dead mother.

Wow. WOW. Mind = Blown. 🤯

I cannot even begin to describe on how many levels this resonates and perfectly describes my relationship with uPDw. Best thing I've read in a long time.

[Jolie40]

Because the child has not separated and individuated, the child sees the mother as him, and he as her, they are one.

sadly, two of my siblings lived with PD parent their whole lives (both over age 40)
this greatly stunted their social lives & neither married

only after PD parent went into long term care & house sold did they each move into apts

I couldn't wait to move away to college & get out of that house
don't know how they stayed for years & years

[Boat Babe]

Because the child has not separated and individuated, the child sees the mother as him, and he as her, they are one.

sadly, two of my siblings lived with PD parent their whole lives (both over age 40)
this greatly stunted their social lives & neither married

only after PD parent went into long term care & house sold did they each move into apts

I couldn't wait to move away to college & get out of that house
don't know how they stayed for years & years

Same here. There was the STRONGEST drive inside to get away as soon as possible. I wanted freedom from enmeshment and emotional drama.  In my case I needed to wait till I was legally an adult at 18. Then, I was gone, gone, gone. I kid you not. I went to Australia from the UK one year later! I did come back but never moved in with my mother again.