Unfortunately, I need you guys again

[Dinah-sore]

I haven't been here for a while. Last time I was here it was so bad I thought I would get a divorce when I could, after a major incident. It stayed bad with npdH for most of last year, around February we started getting along.

I literally thought it was a miracle. I felt affection for him. I wanted him to love me, or to think he does. Nothing changed. Like he didn't start being a better husband, it was more the absence of as much bad stuff and a desperate hope, to give it one more shot.

Well my kids are very sick, better than a year ago, but still have issues. Sometimes when it gets bad I go drive my car and park near our house in a safe spot in our neighborhood.

Last night was one of those nights, but before I left he started saying things that were in anger and they really upset me.

So a month ago, my dd went in a beach trip with a small group from our church. She was wearing a very modest one piece bathing suit. Her dad (the boss of youth at the church/school) had approved her suit before she left. When she was there she was told by other church leaders, that she looked too "inappropriate" because even though the suit fully covered her butt cheeks you could still see her butt shape. That she needed to put shorts on. She only had denim shorts so she couldn't swim (without chafing). So my dd, in a perfectly acceptable swimsuit, had to sit on the beach alone while all the other kids swam and had fun. My dd is gorgeous, but doesnt act seductive. I was really upset, and I will explain that below, and npdH is the boss of the people who told her these things.

Quick note: my dd was sexually assaulted by a Christian boy, at a pool party where she wore a one piece bathing suit when she was 12, by an older boy (now she is almost an adult). So it is a trigger to be told or implied she looks too sexy in a bathing suit shaped like one an 8 year old would wear. On a beach filled with other precious young beautiful girls in thongs and strings bikinis. I get that the church has dress codes, but she obeyed the dress code!!!! So my dd was HUMILIATED and made to feel "ungodly" or like a "slut" (apology, I hate that word and that concept, but it is how she felt Al with the church people), and she was unable to join the others in the water. She felt that shame, her words. She told the 30 year old male leader, "you are acting like I am trying to seduce people." I was upset that she was in a position to have to say that. And tomorrow is another beach trip, so she tried on a different bathing suit last night to make sure she wouldn't get in trouble again, it was totally appropriate and I was ok, but I said ,"ask your dad. Just to make sure, because he makes the rules." He said it was ok, but got really upset at me for saying that, but I wasn't being a jerk. It is true; at church stuff, he makes the decisions. It was a modest bikini top with board shorts covering her bottom.

He got mad that I said to ask him, I tried to explain, "she just doesn't want to be embarrassed again, can you just tell us what the new rules are?" I still don't know what the exact new bathing suit rules are, and I am married to the man who decides this. It seems like they are getting more strict, but just tell us what the rule is!!! He says that my daughter just needs to let people tell her to change or cover up, at any time, and doesn't need to know what the rules are. But I don't like the idea of people just deciding my kid needs to dress different in the moment, it feels cult-like to me. Too much control, too much control attached to shame.

So we argued, I was already needing a break because my youngest was flaring bad, so npdH and I were yelling at each other and I didn't want it to escalate so I said "I'm gonna go sit in my car, and I am not taking my phone."

I drove to the place I always drive to park and sleep if I need to, he knew I didn't have my phone, he knows where I park. It was 11pm.

At 1-am he pulls up, I had been asleep, in the safe location that he found me in, because he knew where it was!!! And he said my dad is upset and looking for me.

I said, "you called my dad" he yelled at me scolding me acting like I did something horrible and he got everyone freaked out!

Now my mom is mad at me, like I am in actual trouble. She told me I need to call her when I am ready to handle the argument she is going to get into with me for leaving without taking my phone. I can't handle that right now, Mentally or emotionally, I am a grown woman and I am being treated like a teen runaway. I am angry!!!!

Also, when I told my mom that he didn't even need to call, that I was right where I always am and he didn't even look before he tried to scare them. She didn't even care, she was like "he didn't call your dad, he texted messaged, 'have you heard from Dinah? She took off and I can't find her.'" I told him I didn't have my phone, so asking my mom if she heard from me makes no sense because I told him, I didn't have my phone, so how would I call my mom? It feels like a lie, an excuse. Like he pretended to be worried but he didn't care, he just wanted my parents to get pissed at me on top of everything. Do I seem absurd to think that? I feel so freaking absurd. I am so confused. I feel so vulnerable.

I don't understand why he did this. If he had just driven to the spot I told him I park in, he would have seen me! Like he did at 1am. He KNEW it would freak out my parents; he knows what my mom is like. So now I can't even talk to my parents without being lectured scolded and threatened. That is hanging over my head. And he acts like I am freaking crazy and he is sane and I get upset over nothing.

I am losing my mind. I feel so disappointed in him. And the thing that freaking sucks is that I tried with him, I tried to make it work AGAIN. Why wouldn't he be excited, appreciative, thankful? If he loved me wouldn't he be happy to have the miracle second chance with happiness?

I mean even this sad thought goes through my head. I have lost a lot of weight from
My own heath battles, having trouble eating food during treatment. So when people see me they are shocked, they say "woah! You look like you are 17" — a total exaggeration, but they mean to say that I look really pretty right now. But why doesn't he act like I am pretty? Why doesn't he love me? So like even now, when other people act like I am pretty, but he doesn't? He is supposed to love me either way. I am so sad.

He doesn't pay for my medical treatments, he is not a good friend to me, he doesn't like talking to me, damn!!! I just want him to love me, I want to feel loved. I thought we could figure it out. I tried so hard. It isn't just this incident, it is making me worry because the time is right for another blow up with him, that cycle. Could this have just been a cycle and my denial and naive hope?

It is my fault, I opened my heart again, and I don't think he appreciates that miracle.

Please share your thoughts, I am so overwhelmed by this. And I don't have friends I can talk about him too, and now I can't talk to my parents because they are super angry at me.

Also, please tell me if anything I am saying makes it seem like I have the personality disorder. I don't want to try and control him, I wanted to work things out, I want to get along, I want to be loved (not in a narcissistic way, but like "wow my husband really cares about me" isn't that one main point of marriage is family and love?), I just don't want to hurt my family and act like they are hurting me. Please help me I am confused.

[Dinah-sore]

I forgot to add, that my dad got up in the middle of the night and was driving around our city looking for me. Because my DH called. BUT if my npdH had just driven one time through our neighborhood, just one time, he would have seen me. So he didn't even look for me, anywhere, let alone where I told him I park. Before he had my dad freaked out driving around in the middle of the night. I am upset about that. My dad could have gotten in an accident or in danger if he looked in places I would never be. Idk. It just also upset me, that part. My dad is older. It makes me sad. And I know it is my fault for leaving without a phone, but I was right there....

[Poison Ivy]

None of this is your fault. You do not have a personality disorder. Your husband is trying to manipulate you. (All of these statements are my opinions, but I believe them to be true.)

[SweetTea]

And I know it is my fault for leaving without a phone, but I was right there....

NOT your fault. Your husband's actions are not your fault. Your parents' actions and responses are also not your fault or responsibility.

Your husband knew exactly where you you were...which is how he drove straight to you at 1 am. IMO, he called your parents to triangulate you. He knew this would be the best way to to manipulate and shame you. And he was right because now he has you believing you were responsible for putting your dad in danger, and that you, a grown woman, should tolerate a parental lecture from your mom. (You don't have to sit for a lecture, ever.)

He knew exactly where you were, and didn't like that you were away from him (setting boundaries, well done!) and not under his direct control for a few hours so he 'tattled on you' to involve your extended family, unnecessarily, to shame you and bring you back home. IMO.

A rhetorical question, and no disrespect intended: If you were a single mother, were not related to anyone at the school/church, but your daughter's assault and this beach experience still happened, would you still want your children to keep attending this school/church?

And are there any female church leaders who attend the beach events to protect/support/monitor the girls or is it only males? (I'm sorry, I'm getting enraged at the thought that grown men are examining young female bodies in swimsuits to determine if their 'shape' is showing.) 

And no, you don't have a personality disorder! But it's common for spouses of people with PDs to be gaslit to think that they do and are to blame for all the problems in the marriage.

I'm glad you have found a way to set a boundary and find at least a little peace. I do worry about you and your children, though. You mentioned you don't have any friends you can talk to (isolated), he uses your parents against you, your parents seem to easily side against you...he won't financially support your medical treatments ... You AND the children are chronically ill... Is there any way you can reach out to talk to someone outside of your community (social worker, nurse, domestic crisis hotline, therapist)? There are lots of people who are out there and want to help so you can get some perspective, feel safe, see things more clearly, and make the best decisions you can for you and your kids.

[Dinah-sore]

None of this is your fault. You do not have a personality disorder. Your husband is trying to manipulate you. (All of these statements are my opinions, but I believe them to be true.)

Thank you for reading my post and sharing your thoughts. I feel manipulated. I feel like everyone is mad at me for breaking rules, that should have never been applied to me.

A few years ago I shared that my mom used to track my cell phone, and I stopped that and she freaked out bad and I held my ground. Well last year, when my kids were even sicker, I used to have to take them for drives in the middle of the night, they would be emotional because of feeling so sick and they couldn't sleep at night and were miserable, and I noticed that sometimes getting them out of the house and buying them a cold drink, rolling down the windows and driving through our area would help them feel better. So I would be out driving sometimes very late at night, and listening to them vent their emotions or sing to music to help them feel some emotional relief. My mom worried about me driving late at night, so I told her I would put the gps tracker back on my phone, in case of a late night emergency. But I told her I could change my mind, it was temporary, and it was just for emergencies.

So she is mad because she couldn't track me because I didn't have my phone. But I don't owe her that.

I parked where he could find me if there was an emergency. Also, I WANTED to park in another location where I know he couldn't find me, because I was really upset. But, he doesn't seem to worry about my safety so I didn't think he would even bother to look for me, unless there was an emergency. And if there is an emergency I want to be found. So I feel like I was making rational/sage choices. Even in my anger.

Anyways, thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions.

And I know it is my fault for leaving without a phone, but I was right there....

NOT your fault. Your husband's actions are not your fault. Your parents' actions and responses are also not your fault or responsibility.

Your husband knew exactly where you you were...which is how he drove straight to you at 1 am. IMO, he called your parents to triangulate you. He knew this would be the best way to to manipulate and shame you. And he was right because now he has you believing you were responsible for putting your dad in danger, and that you, a grown woman, should tolerate a parental lecture from your mom. (You don't have to sit for a lecture, ever.)

He knew exactly where you were, and didn't like that you were away from him (setting boundaries, well done!) and not under his direct control for a few hours so he 'tattled on you' to involve your extended family, unnecessarily, to shame you and bring you back home. IMO.

Thank you so much for reminding me that I don't need a lecture from my mom ever. Omg. I had totally forgotten. When she began to chew me out earlier, I said, "I know you are mad and want to yell at me, and I deserve it, but I am not emotionally ready for it yet."

So I already messed up, because I said to her yesterday that I think I deserve what she is going to do to me. It didn't even pacify her, she was still so angry.

When she told me to get myself girded up for what is coming, I was driving, my dog was in my lap coming back from the vet, and I just couldn't be distracted and I couldn't think of what to say next so I just hung up.

Not in a mean way, like I can't, yet. But I was nice to her, didn't argue, just tried to give her context. She didn't want the context of what happened until she got me handled.

Whatever. She kept calling last night and I didn't answer. I am not ready to face that. I am sitting here so alone.

I can't tell anyone, my best friend died years ago, she was the only person who understood the whole dynamic. My NPdh's job is dependent on his character, and if I told people I wouldn't get help, they would say that I need to pray, submit, serve him better, and not talk about him because "the devil wants to use me to stop the good work God is doing through" my npdH.

A rhetorical question, and no disrespect intended: If you were a single mother, were not related to anyone at the school/church, but your daughter's assault and this beach experience still happened, would you still want your children to keep attending this school/church?

And are there any female church leaders who attend the beach events to protect/support/monitor the girls or is it only males? (I'm sorry, I'm getting enraged at the thought that grown men are examining young female bodies in swimsuits to determine if their 'shape' is showing.) 

I would absolutely not let her go to this church, if I was single. I don't like the church for various reasons. It is not a loving place. People are so judgmental and fake. Once my life fell apart I couldn't be around them, they didn't like me talking about my dead friend or sick kids (just for reference, I am not like Eeyore, droning on and on about negative things, in fact I have actually never even had even one conversation about my kids illness with anyone from the church).  So much so, that just for reference, nobody from my church has ever once asked me to tell them how my life is going. They won't ask me. They are very uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I am not mean or particular, I just notice. I just think, hmmm, is this what fair weather friends means? They ask "how are you?" But you are only allowed to say blessed, if I say, "oh wow, life has been hard lately," and then mention my dds current health, or anything, they will tell you that your real problem is you are not thankful enough for what you do have. Like things have been so bad I have had to call hotlines for help, and yet, I am just not thankful enough. They act like I make God look bad, by not pretending we are blessed right now. Like it is bad PR.

I see another woman who suffers with a sick child, and she is amazing, always so full of hope and faith. As much as I admire her positivity in her difficult situation, I don't have the same feelings in me. I don't feel inclined to share my problems publicly, and put a positive spin on them. My friend is being genuine in her positivity, and people love that. I love her. But I am also being genuine in my realism, and that is not accepted.

In the end, my kids won't be accepted there because my oldest has a strong personality, she is a leader, those traits are not accepted in women. They act like a woman is to be passive, meek, and quiet. I hate how they treat girls and other marginalized groups. And my youngest is not the preferred political party. Is there an eye roll emogi? Should I put the vomit one? Lol! 

I hate that the boy who sexually assaulted my daughter was treated like a good kid, and my 12 year old daughter was treated like a troublemaker.

As far as female leaders, yes there was a female leader there who was almost as young as my daughter, she was supposed to be the one to talk to my dd, but the older male also did. She was young though, so she doesn't know what to do, so she erred on the side of caution, and agrees with the older male and they pulled my dd out of the water and made her cover up and sit on the sand. They did this to another girl too, who wore a perfectly acceptable bikini. The other girl covered up, then got bored and took off her clothes and went back into the water anyways. My dd obeyed, but she is the troublemaker? The female leaders are just mouthpieces saying what the male leaders want.

It is weird though because my dd totally followed the dress code. And if the boys at church can't see their female friends in a normal bathing suit without being in spiritual peril, why are they going to a beach at all? Everybody else is wearing skimpier stuff. So what's the point? Just controlling our girls?

Like I am so mad!!!! I want to tell people at my church, you SHOULD  by your sons Barbie dolls when they are young, so they learn to totally control women and dress them how they want. Ugh! Sorry!!!! LOLOL

And no, you don't have a personality disorder! But it's common for spouses of people with PDs to be gaslit to think that they do and are to blame for all the problems in the marriage.

I'm glad you have found a way to set a boundary and find at least a little peace. I do worry about you and your children, though. You mentioned you don't have any friends you can talk to (isolated), he uses your parents against you, your parents seem to easily side against you...he won't financially support your medical treatments ... You AND the children are chronically ill... Is there any way you can reach out to talk to someone outside of your community (social worker, nurse, domestic crisis hotline, therapist)? There are lots of people who are out there and want to help so you can get some perspective, feel safe, see things more clearly, and make the best decisions you can for you and your kids.

It is so hard too, because part of my illness causes some anxiety and neurological issues. But nothing that would affect my sanity or perceptions, but  when I am more ill, I have more anxiety and rumination. And when he behaves this way, it increases all my symptoms. I get more anxiety, when I can't reaolve things I ruminate non stop, and then I feel more somatic symptoms, like my emotions making my physical symptoms worse. It isn't any one's fault, but it happens. So all this does make me suffer more physically and mentally.

I think he is also using my anxiety to label me as maybe unstable. I am not unstable, I am struggling so bad, and still fighting to save my kids and heal them fully so they can have the best future possible. He doesn't pay for treatments, he doesn't help with medicines, he doesn't even want to pay for their food when they are having trouble eating and only an omelet from The local diner sounds like something they can stomach. My mom pays for all of that. He doesn't really help much at all. I feel like he still expects me to help him. And resents when I don't help him enough.

I am so nervous, because when my parents are no longer here to help us, who will make sure I am ok? I have to get better so I can take care of us, get back to work teaching and provide for us. Whether I stay married to this jerk or not.

Anyways, also thank you for sharing resources. I really don't know what is out there and you mentioned several things to look into.

I also just want to say, for the record, i don't want much, I would be happy with just him being a friend to me, if he was even a good friend to me, I would be ok. But I feel like whenever I need him, he takes the side against me. So it feels like he is my enemy, but he says he loves me, denies any wrongdoing, and acts like everything is my fault. So it is so freaking confusing.

[Dinah-sore]

One more thing. This is a random vent, but it happened earlier this week, and I saw it and thought "has his heart turned against me again?" And then this incident happened. So I think yes. His heart got grumpy with me.

But I mentioned how I have lost some weight. It is not good how I lost it. It was from my illness and treatment and it was concerning to my doctor. It can happen to people and they need feeding tubes. So my doctor was worried because I lost way too much weight way too soon, I had to take medical grade electrolytes, drink lots of  olive and avocado oil, drink protein shakes with supplements from my doctor. We were trying to slow it down, it was dangerous.

One day I hadn't been able to eat all day, and he had gotten home from work at like ten Pm and I walked into the kitchen and casually said, "I need to eat some food. I haven't eaten all day."

He snapped at me in frustration, like a very irritated tone and said, "I didn't eat today either."

His point was that I was complaining but being dramatic, he didn't eat either.

But he isn't in danger. He made a choice, eating is HARD for me right now. I want to eat. I don't want to shrivel up, I don't know when it will stop, it scares me. I could get a feeding tube if it keeps going.

Isn't that almost cruel for him to do that? Why doesn't he love me? Can't he look at me and see visible signs of illness? Where is his concern? Why isn't he saying, "did you eat? What can I get for you?" I would do that for him, I DO do that for him!!!!

Also, he opened the fridge took out the leftover steak and rice, heated it up, ate all of it, and did not even ask me if I wanted the only prepared meal available in the house. I didn't, I may have been able to eat some of the rice. But he ate it.

Ok. So this was just to add context to last week. But he also wanted to smack me on the butt repeatedly in a public store the day before it happened.

So it looks like he likes me cuz of patting my butt, but when it comes to actual concern or affection, none.

[Dinah-sore]

Also my birthday passed recently with neither a gift or a card.

[Empie2204]

Dinah-sore,
I am so sorry for your situation but allow me to share some of my thoughts.

In all your words and sentences I notice a reasonable, strong-willed woman, who loves and highly respects her husband and her family.
If it were not so, you wouldn´t tolerate all this pressure they put on you.
Am I wrong or do they treat you like a minor?
Their intentions might be good but the behavior towards you is stuck somewhere in the 19th century - my humble opinion.

Various churches also can have some outdated rules or practices. They might be acceptable for some of their members but some not. This fact does not mean that people like you or your daughter do not respect God.

After all, God is love, isn´t that true?

God and men and women have a sacred connection.
Priests and respectable church members are just a filter that sometimes disturbs that connection. Even they should be aware of the fact they are human and fallible.

Manipulation comes in all forms and shapes. I wish you all the best in finding peace and strength.

[SweetTea]

Isn't that almost cruel for him to do that? Why doesn't he love me? Can't he look at me and see visible signs of illness? Where is his concern? Why isn't he saying, "did you eat? What can I get for you?" I would do that for him, I DO do that for him!!!!

Sweetie, it IS absolutely cruel of him.

As you are posting in a PD'd website, I hope I'm not stepping out of line when I say that if your husband is personality disordered, specifically a narcissist, he would not feel love and concern the way you do--he would only feel it toward himself and how it relates to him. If it seems like he did in the past, and he's a narc, that would have been a love bombing phase--an act he put on to reel you in.

Again, I hope this is not out of line, and I say this with the utmost concern for you and your children, from your previous and current posts, I have seen patterns of neglect and abuse from your husband--both towards you and your children.

If you haven't read them, I highly recommend "Why Does he Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, and "Invisible Chains" by Lisa Aronson Fontes. 

[Dinah-sore]

Isn't that almost cruel for him to do that? Why doesn't he love me? Can't he look at me and see visible signs of illness? Where is his concern? Why isn't he saying, "did you eat? What can I get for you?" I would do that for him, I DO do that for him!!!!

Sweetie, it IS absolutely cruel of him.

As you are posting in a PD'd website, I hope I'm not stepping out of line when I say that if your husband is personality disordered, specifically a narcissist, he would not feel love and concern the way you do--he would only feel it toward himself and how it relates to him. If it seems like he did in the past, and he's a narc, that would have been a love bombing phase--an act he put on to reel you in.

Again, I hope this is not out of line, and I say this with the utmost concern for you and your children, from your previous and current posts, I have seen patterns of neglect and abuse from your husband--both towards you and your children.

If you haven't read them, I highly recommend "Why Does he Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, and "Invisible Chains" by Lisa Aronson Fontes. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I have read the Lundy Bancroft one and I should probably refresh myself on his content, but I have not heard of the Invisible chains one; I will check it out now.

How do I forget? How do I forget that narcissists don't feel the same way? Why did I finally type "npdH" here, instead of the "DH" that I used for years, and I STILL forgot. It is like I asked, "why does he think he is better than everybody?" LOL. Right?

That is why I am here.

It hurts still. I feel like searching for some reason he doesn't care, some flaw within myself, something to blame, I doubt my value and worth. Because it feels like I am just not good enough, fun enough, pretty enough, helpful enough. Like if I could just be good enough he would love me like husbands are supposed to.

It is the same when we argue, I forget that he doesn't want to listen to my side. He wants to be right. He wants to argue. I forget that, because I want to work things out. So I try to explain, and when it doesn't work, I think, "maybe I didn't explain it well enough, I didn't say it right, or logically, or sensitively." And I forgot, it isn't HOW I said it, it is that it was said my ME.

So okay. I totally messed up by getting sucked into hoping we could have a real loving marriage. But at least I proved to myself, it isn't me. I tried. I opened my heart and forgave and loved. No matter what happens I think that will always prove that it wasn't my fault, that I tried when I shouldn't have, after he no longer deserved it.

But I am so sad because i have wasted so many years throwing my heart in front to someone who would step on it with dirty shoes. I want to be loved. And now it is too late, I am too old. I gave the best of my life to someone who just used me.

Sorry if I seem dramatic. I am sad today. I am angry and I am grieving what my life could have been. I know that I am not alone, doing that. We must all feel that grief, right? We all deserved better. Thank you guys so much for your empathy; it is worth so much to me.

[SweetTea]

Isn't that almost cruel for him to do that? Why doesn't he love me? Can't he look at me and see visible signs of illness? Where is his concern? Why isn't he saying, "did you eat? What can I get for you?" I would do that for him, I DO do that for him!!!!

So okay. I totally messed up by getting sucked into hoping we could have a real loving marriage. But at least I proved to myself, it isn't me. I tried. I opened my heart and forgave and loved. No matter what happens I think that will always prove that it wasn't my fault, that I tried when I shouldn't have, after he no longer deserved it.

But I am so sad because i have wasted so many years throwing my heart in front to someone who would step on it with dirty shoes. I want to be loved. And now it is too late, I am too old. I gave the best of my life to someone who just used me.

Sorry if I seem dramatic. I am sad today. I am angry and I am grieving what my life could have been. I know that I am not alone, doing that. We must all feel that grief, right? We all deserved better. Thank you guys so much for your empathy; it is worth so much to me.

I'm going to gently point out what my therapist always has to point out to me:  you are so hard on yourself
Try to be as kind to yourself as you are to other people. You did not 'mess up.' You made a decision-- out of the goodness of your heart-- that seemed right at the time. As you've pointed out, you learned something from this so it wasn't a mistake. It was an experience you have an opportunity to learn and grow from.

You are not being dramatic. It is normal to be sad and feel grief when we come to think of things we have lost or have to let go of. For me, I had to let go of a dream for a big, happy, loving extended family. I still have moments of grief, though I let go of the idea, and them, years ago. The important thing, IMO, is not setting up camp in those negative feelings. Feel the feelings, and then take some time to brainstorm things you can do for yourself to make yourself happier, and to make your future brighter. Whether that's meditation, exercise, taking up a new hobby, taking a class, or starting/changing a career.

I think you mentioned you used to teach. If so, is your license up to date? Have you considered online tutoring? Might be a way to get a foot back in the door, and to feel more in control and confident again? (Just throwing ideas out there. I don't want you to do something you don't feel safe/comfortable doing).

Also, I think you've mentioned seeing a therapist in the past. Is that avenue still open to you? A good therapist is worth their weight in gold!

[1footouttadefog]

I can get the forgetting.  I once posted somewhat in jest I wish I could post a reminder on my PDHs forehead so I would not forget.  That thread went off the rails and places I could never have imagined.  But it does happen.  We can forget and act and converse with them as in a normal relationship and then find ourselves hitting reality of PDness like a crash dummy hitting brick wall.

Any chance you can capitalize on his perception of you as unstable to attend a smaller church or a womens book or bible study and sitting church out.

Sounds like your parents are very wrapped up in the appearances.  How horrible of your H to use their own anxieties to punish you and hem you in. 

[moglow]

Dinah, I got angry for you when I read the title to this thread - you putting it out there like it's somehow shameful that you need help?? You know why you feel that way? This:

Now my mom is mad at me, like I am in actual trouble. She told meI need to call her when I am ready to handle the argument she is going to get into with me for leaving without taking my phone. I can't handle that right now, Mentally or emotionally, I am a grown woman and I am being treated like a teen runaway. I am angry!!!!

AND

When she began to chew me out earlier, I said, "I know you are mad and want to yell at me, and I deserve it, but I am not emotionally ready for it yet."

So I already messed up, because I said to her yesterday that I think I deserve what she is going to do to me. It didn't even pacify her, she was still so angry.

When she told me to get myself girded up for what is coming...

Dinah. You're a grown woman, a married woman with a family of your own. Your mother can be an angry as she wants, you DON'T "deserve" what she has in mind, for "whatever is coming." You're not on this planet to placate her anger or anyone else's. Imma be blunt - I hope to good heaven you didn't call her and still haven't. You don't owe her an explanation, you don't have to sit and listen to her -or anyone else- upbraiding you for choosing to get out and away for a bit to clear your mind. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in. What's she gonna do - Put you on restriction? Take away your keys? Lock you in your room? Seriously. You can flat out refuse to discuss it. I know it's not easy after a lifetime of it, but still. You don't have to justify, argue, defend, explain [JADE] any.of.it. To anybody. "Loins are girded, mother, and I've decided there's no reason to have that [kind of] discussion with you again. I respect you as my mother and I need you to find respect for me as a fellow human being."

You have a responsibility to yourself first. Stop taking beatings from these people! The ongoing issues with your husband? You were taught they [any 'They" in presumed authority positions?] can do and say whatever they want and you're supposed to just roll over for it then "make it right." Your husband knows this and plays with it, at your expense. It comes across as toying with people/you and that's not cool.

EVERYBODY has stuff, and we're all responsible for our own. It's not your/our job to fix theirs, no matter how they demand that it be so. Their demeaning treatment of you and binding together against you makes it worse in my eyes.

[1footouttadefog]

And your husband knows the parental relationship is out of bounds and uses ot as a bludgeon against you.