NC Week 8 - no contact, mixed feelings, no feelings, and reconstruction

[foobarred]

Still struggling with Mom's cat, who is slowly but surely becoming *my* cat, dang it.  He is scheduled for a repeat ultrasound on Tuesday, which hopefully will tell us which flavor of ugly we'll be dealing with - inflammatory bowel disease (bad), small cell lymphoma (worse), or large cell lymphoma (worst).  Ugh.

Mom hasn't contacted me.  At all, either via flying monkeys or directly.  I don't know whether I'm happy about that or sad.  Certainly in my mind it's like she's dead, or maybe moved far away somewhere, like a distant relative.  I know she's alive and she exists, but I can't bring myself to care much about it.  I don't know how to feel about that, either.

When I went NC, I expected a lot of grief.  Guilt, maybe.  Sadness.  Right now there's none of that (except anger, but that's always with me).  In my mental landscape it's really as if she died, and that's why I have her cat and am sorting through her stuff.  It's like my mind decided on that narrative, and is happy with it, even though intellectually I know it's not true.  Which makes me worry - am I just in industrial-strength denial?  Rewriting reality to suit my needs, just like Mom?

Sometimes I think that I'm not really grieving the relationship b/c there wasn't much of one to grieve.  I've always likened the loss of a loved one to losing a limb - it hurts like hell, and you feel like it should be there, and you try to reach out with it, but it isn't there anymore.  Life eventually goes on, but it's never the same -  there's this sense that a page has been turned, that there's a "before" and an "after".

With this, it's more like I lost a gangrenous limb.  It didn't really hurt b/c it was dead anyway, and I don't feel the need to reach out with it because it's been non-functional for a long time.  I don't really grieve it, maybe because I've been grieving it for years now.  Decades, even.  And now all my grieving's done.  I'm such a passionate person normally, this is the only explanation I can come up with for this curious deadness.

On the plus side, I've been able to do some thinking.  My life revolved around Mom and her needs.  With her gone, I'm basically faced with the task of reconstructing my life from the ground up.  Which is an immense privilege - so few get to do that - but daunting.  Made doubly so by the fact that I don't have a pattern to copy.  I don't want my parents' lives (God, no).  I don't want the lives of most of the people around me.  There's people I respect, but there's nobody I know who I can point to and say, "Yes!  That's how I want to live!"

So I'm reading self-help books and psych articles on the internet (THAT will work out well, I'm sure. ).  But I'm praying a lot, which will hopefully help me to separate the wheat from the chaff.  My idea is to roll with what I *do* know about myself, see what makes *that* kind of person happy, and use that as a starting point.

So I'm researching care and feeding of your basic INFJ, and also studying Elaine Aron's book on highly sensitive people.  I reckon if I can get a few good ideas from them I can incorporate them into my life and see how it goes.  Get a head start on the trial-and-error process.  Seeing as how I'm in my 50's and all, and don't want to spend the next 20 years defining myself.  I do realize that's a lifelong process, but, damn, I'd like to get a jump on it.

[NarcKiddo]

I think it's very easy to second-guess everything. Partly because (in my experience) when dealing with a PD parent you have to work through all the scenarios in advance, sometimes in an instant, to come up with how to react that gives the least worst result.

I did some therapy a few years back because I was worried that the eventual death of my mother might cause me some terrible emotional crisis. I already felt guilt about looking forward to the day I wouldn't have to bother about her any more and then thought the actual death might be a trigger for awful things. I came to the conclusion that I would likely have the curious deadness you describe. That the death would not be a great release nor a trigger for sadness/guilt/remorse etc. Just a nothing. Of course I have no idea if that will actually be the case but of all the options, it's probably the least worst. (There's that least worst again!)

Your approach to life ongoing sounds very wise and sensible to me. Take care of yourself and try not to worry about whether you are like your Mom. You're not.

I hope things go well (as well as they can)  with the cat.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I sometimes wonder if there really is no way to predict how you are going to feel until you find yourself in the situation. Once there, I think however you feel just simply is. Maybe as you move along and come to new awareness, it may change and evolve. I would just say allow the feelings to come and go as they do and be easy on yourself.
 
I believe your own wellbeing and how you feel in your life is key. What I experienced after NC is when my sense of purpose no longer centered on my parent's demands and desires, my life finally began to unfold. I was amazed. I was also a bit sad that I wondered if it may have happened in my 20's or 30's and what did I lose in those years. 

I also think your approach seems wise and sensible. You are reading and finding support in the material. I like what you mention about reconstructing your life and feeling like it is a huge privilege. I think when you can find wonder or excitement in it, the journey will be a good one. If you continue to feel calm and sure, I also think it is a good sign.

[justducky]

I think it's very easy to second-guess everything. Partly because (in my experience) when dealing with a PD parent you have to work through all the scenarios in advance, sometimes in an instant, to come up with how to react that gives the least worst result.

[moglow]

Which makes me worry - am I just in industrial-strength denial?  Rewriting reality to suit my needs, just like Mom?Sometimes I think that I'm not really grieving the relationship b/c there wasn't much of one to grieve.  I've always likened the loss of a loved one to losing a limb - it hurts like hell, and you feel like it should be there, and you try to reach out with it, but it isn't there anymore.  Life eventually goes on, but it's never the same -  there's this sense that a page has been turned, that there's a "before" and an "after".With this, it's more like I lost a gangrenous limb.  It didn't really hurt b/c it was dead anyway, and I don't feel the need to reach out with it because it's been non-functional for a long time.  I don't really grieve it, maybe because I've been grieving it for years now.  Decades, even.  And now all my grieving's done.  I'm such a passionate person normally, this is the only explanation I can come up with for this curious deadness.

Going out on my own shaky limb here but what if it's industrial strength ... acceptance. I mean, it took you/us decades to get here, it's not some flash in the pan whim or easy as a change of shoes. It's been a gut wrenching, soul churning ride, one that's been here before us all along.

They really are who they are, with little apparent ability to self reflect except as it serves them. We spent our time pretzeling our way into peace that never lasted, serving them. While they continued to take.

I've reached a point where the peace is totally worth whatever I do to hold it. I've no plans either to see or avoid her - she's a non-issue [except for your aforementioned blasts of some pretty ugly anger]. Md doesn't add to  and no longer takes from, my life. That's a pretty damned good place to be.

Sounds to be like you're right where you need to be. Isn't the peace glorious?!

[Cat of the Canals]

Going out on my own shaky limb here but what if it's industrial strength ... acceptance. I mean, it took you/us decades to get here, it's not some flash in the pan whim or easy as a change of shoes. It's been a gut wrenching, soul churning ride, one that's been here before us all along.

I love that phrase... industrial strength acceptance.

I've been wondering similar things this week... feeling very disconnected from PDmom recently but not feeling all that much about it other than a twinge of annoyance when she demands attention. I see other people struggling more with low or no contact and can't help but ask myself if I'm "weird" or somehow emotionally deficient for not feeling more (even though I know comparing such things is pointless).

So from now on I'm going to refer to such feelings as this. Industrial strength acceptance.