Some thoughts today - about my STBXuNDP and the legal system

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Some reflections -

After coming Out of the FOG, I was frozen thinking that I'd loose all my finances to my life sucking, uNPD spouse in a divorce.  Well, that didn't happen.   Sure, there are some marital assets that have to be split, BUT...there are some that don't.   AND, so far I don't have to pay alimony or provide health care.   Before, I saw divorce ending in a lot in extremes, but hopefully, for most of us it ends up in the middle somewhere.   It is easier for me, because my son is 17.

Our children watch us.  This gives me strength to broaden my world and move towards being the parent I want to be. I give my son strategies to learn how to handle (can't think of a better word) his father - but in a way that's positive and concrete.    I'm also not afraid of being a parent - I have to draw a hard line with my son at times and I had to let go of the fear he'll walk out and stay with his father.  Hasn't happened yet and he sees his dad only 1 to 2 times per week.  Very sad - but, really, he's not a good father, so less is best.

During a conversation with my lawyer, she mentioned that people might wonder why I stayed so long if I am claiming he was abusive- well, I told her the question needs to be reframed - how did I get the courage to leave. When I look back on the last 4-5 years of our marriage, it was so hard - no wonder it took me so long.  And, unless someone has specific training or life experiences, they won't understand.

When I have to communicate with my STBXuNPD - I ask myself, will I get the information I need or will this exchange add to his narcissistic supply?  So, you guessed it - I rarely initiate any conversations now.

Keeping a log/diary helps tremendously.  It's amazing how much we forget in order to survive, so writing it all down is important.  And, details, dates, etc.... can be helpful with the legal process.  When I read back on certain events, it's hard, but a great reminder of how far I have come.

Lastly, I enjoy so much more everyday - cooking without his nasty critiques, decorating without his "input", meeting new people without being accused of being gay or cheating...watching TV, even putting on make up is less stressful.  It's crazy how much of my everyday life was full of stress - now it's relaxing and all my own. 

This afternoon I'm off to play golf with 3 new friends - something 2 years ago could never have happened.

Enjoy the day.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for this post!

[falsebalance2]

Agree with IVY!


Needed this post tonight!

Moving out in 6 days! Then comes the unknown of what his reactions will be...But yes I am doing the right thing!