Will it truly end? Question about NPD

[K2525]

Hi,
I'm looking for any insights you all can offer... My MIL was uBPD and overdosed 3 years ago. She caused a lot of stress in my life, my husband's life, and within our marriage. After she passed away, I knew that if my FIL didn't get help, it was very likely he would end up with another woman who is equally difficult. (He is extremely co-dependent.)

6 months ago my FIL got remarried. His new wife seemed weird (socially awkward and extremely controlling of my FIL), but she had never been rude to me, so I was figured that I should just be grateful for that! Recently, my husband tried to arrange for us to speak with his dad and his new stepmom as he had already expressed to his dad that just because he was getting remarried, that didn't mean that we are ok with them bringing his wife's grandson to our house, our children's birthday parties, etc etc (unless we invited him. For the record, her grandson is a few months older than my oldest son, but much bigger, and had been physically aggressive with my younger son twice.)

Since telling his dad a year ago to please not bring her grandson uninvited, there's been a handful of times where they've done just that. We unfortunately let it slide. Last month, they showed up to my oldest son's birthday party with her grandson. My husband talked to his dad about this what happened. (I wish he hadn't given his dad the heads up, and that had we asked to grab lunch with them and then have a respectful conversation about this issue with both of them at the same time.) Well, his dad told his new wife that we wanted to talk about this issue. She texted my husband that her and her grandson would "never intrude" in our lives again and told my FIL she will never speak to us again. My husband called his dad and they argued. I've dealt with horrible behavior from his mom for almost 10 years and never once raised my voice (and barely spoke up at all.) I did yell at my FIL when he said (over speakerphone) that he didn't have to "listen to (our) rules." The phone call ended about 10 minutes later when he hung up on my husband, after saying they don't need us in their lives and they're "done." He sent childish texts afterwards and my husband, his new stepmom and I all responded and said a couple immature things to each other.

Four weeks later, out of the blue, my husband's stepmom sent a group text to my husband and me. It was the most vile thing I've ever read. She started by saying she "just read" our text (the last text any of us sent was 4 weeks ago in a group text.) She then went on and on about how amazing she is, she's so superior to us, my husband is only successful because his dad bought him a car when he was 16, I'm obsessed with her, on and on. She also said absolutely disgusting things about my 3 very young children. She said we will never "benefit" from their hard earned money and my FIL was changing his will. (We could care less.) She said if we ever go near their house again, she will call the cops. And ended her text by saying "all you say back is 'I understand.' If you say anything else, I will get a restraining order against you tomorrow.'

Needless to say, we were completely shocked and confused what prompted this text after a month of no communication. My husband forwarded her text to his dad and said "this is what your wife just sent me and my wife." (We naively hoped he didn't know she did that and would be upset by what she said, especially the comments about our children.) He responded to say "you didn't follow our rules! A process server is coming to your house tomorrow!" (for a restraining order.) His wife then sent 2 more nasty texts after that and he sent another saying we chose to attack his wife for no reason and that we need therapy. We believe it's possible/very likely she lied to my FIL and said we sent a text out of the blue attacking her.

Either way, we are both so shocked and freaked out by this that we are completely done. We've gone back and forth with my FIL for years over terrible behavior from my MIL.

His wife's oldest son (who she just stopped talking to a few months ago and called the police on....) told my husband that his mom has NPD. I'm very familiar with borderline, but just started reading a little about narcissists.

I am curious what you all think- we are truly done after my FIL is standing by this woman and has no problem with the nasty comments about HIS grandkids. They say they will call the police, get a restraining order, etc and want to be left alone. They told my husband and his brother that my husband is going to be cut out of his dad's will. We would love for them to leave us alone. This woman's son said she threatens him and her sister with restraining orders all the time, but never follows through. She also apparently goes through phases of not talking to them, then pretends like nothing has happened. We never got served with a ridiculous restraining order, but for my sanity- I would like to know- if she is a narcissist, do you think they will truly leave us alone now or should we expect more drama from them? (We think she might have talked my FIL into giving her half of his estate instead of my husband, even though they signed a prenup 6 months ago. So I'm actually hoping that may give her incentive to not rock the boat/do anything else to us since she probably got her way very easily on that issue.)

Thank you so much for reading this long rant and for any thoughts you'd care to share.

[notrightinthehead]

What a nasty situation! I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you block these people on your phone? Life is hard enough without such threatening and upsetting texts. Some people just thrive on conflict. They seem to get energized through conflict. I was married to one such person. If you take yourself out of the picture maybe this stepmother in law will focus her attention on her husband. But that should not matter to you. You should protect yourself as well as you can from such abusive behaviour. Have you checked out the Toolbox ?

[Cat of the Canals]

To answer your question, it depends. Some PDs go hard on the "Discard" part of the Idealize-Devalue-Discard cycle. I think they often want to "abandon" you before you can abandon them. But I think it's more common that they continue this cycle of stirring up drama for drama's sake when they are bored/antsy/etc. And then still, some seem to vacillate between the two modes. Many people here have gone 6 years of NC without hearing a peep and then POOF: a passive aggressive text arrives on their birthday! With my own MIL (we are Very Low Contact versus No Contact),  she seems capable of forgetting about my husband even exists for weeks and even months at a time, but inevitably something "reminds" her of his existence and then she'll send 20 texts in a row demanding her resource fix. I suspect this is why PDs will reach out a tentacle on birthdays and holidays even after long stretches of NC. They forgot, but something reminded them.

Given the fact that your FIL's wife seems to repeat this pattern with her own family and create drama out of thin air, I'd unfortunately guess this will not be the end of it. That's why the best thing you can do is what notrightinthehead suggested. Block any modes of communication with both her and your FIL. Do not respond to any bait she throws out, because that is absolutely what it is. She wants a response.

[K2525]

Thanks so much for your responses. I have them blocked. We initially didn't block them, in case they really did attempt a restraining order, we wanted to have records of everything they said to us (and also showing we were not responding.) Even if they are unable to contact us directly, they've already started trying to get extended family members involved. It's all exhausting- hoping I can soon get to the point where none of their drama riles me up.

[Pepin]

I read this earlier today and your FIL and his wife certainly committed a number of strikes against your boundaries.  The final and outrageous claim of them sending over a restraining order has zero merit - especially when they clearly were the ones committing acts against your wishes.

I am glad that you blocked them and are documenting everything.  From my own personal experience, they are definitely trying to push you away first because they are such poor communicators.  They don't want to work anything out which pretty much sums up the situation: they want things on their terms only regardless of how it affects anyone else - and that is an agenda based on manipulation.  Your FIL's wife has not earned a cent of respect as a new member of the family.  And because your FIL is codependent, he will never see what she is doing unless she pushes him too far in a direction he doesn't like.  He clearly didn't have enough downtime after the death of his first wife - and I'm guessing had no therapy either.  He did what he knew and that is to walk right into the hands of an abuser again.  Since he is an enabler he is part of the package which means NC with him, his new wife and anyone else that supports them. 

[moglow]

K2525, I can absolutely see my mother doing any or all of that, some of it is all too familiar. Trampling over any and everyone to please herself and her partner of the moment, expecting the "hosts" she's inflicted this grandchild on to simply deal with it. No complaints or condemnation of his behavior, same as she demanded of her own, or she'd unleash the hounds of hell. Dredging up ancient history to somehow justify herself and her treatment of others, holding childhood incidents over the heads of adults. And omg, bringing up old texts or conversations [and inventing same] to create a whole new roundI mistakst her ever-lovin shit because I mistakenly bumped the wrong button on my phone, demanded "explanations!" It was a mistake. Stabilize already. But no. 

Some PDs go hard on the "Discard" part of the Idealize-Devalue-Discard cycle. I think they often want to "abandon" you before you can abandon them. But I think it's more common that they continue this cycle of stirring up drama for drama's sake when they are bored/antsy/etc. And then still, some seem to vacillate between the two modes. Many people here have gone 6 years of NC without hearing a peep and then POOF: a passive aggressive text arrives on their birthday! With my own MIL (we are Very Low Contact versus No Contact),  she seems capable of forgetting about my husband even exists for weeks and even months at a time, but inevitably something "reminds" her of his existence and then she'll send 20 texts in a row demanding her resource fix.

Also yes. I wouldn't hear from mine for months at the time then a random innocuous text when I didn't respond as/when her inner voices demanded, the floodgates would open with "what about when you ...???" as if a crime had been committed some 25+ years ago. There's also the blistering anger if I haven't called since xyz [when she last hung up on me] or if I dared call "at the wrong time." And God help me if I dared ask what the "right time" might be so I could adjust. It varied and I was supposed to somehow know.

I did save her voicemails and texts for a while, then no matter what she said to me I'd fire off a screenshot of hers or forward a voicemail right back to her. Passive aggressive, yes, but with her claiming she never said or spoke to me "like that" they were great reminders for me. You want to hold me accountable for my supposed words, you'd best pay attention to your own, mommie dearest. I finally moved past that thank goodness, but I won't lie - there was a satisfaction to the rambling "explanations" then blackout silence from her after.

They say they will call the police, get a restraining order, etc and want to be left alone.

Ask and ye shall receive! Everyone needs to do whatever they must. Hold on to anything where they said it and don't hesitate to fire it back at flying monkeys when it's thrown in your face later. I wouldn't get into it with said family members, but remind them if necessary that there are two sides to everything and you don't care to discuss it/them further.

[moglow]

Correction to above:
*I deleted her phone number after I buttdialed her several months ago - she lost her ever-lovin shit because I mistakenly bumped the wrong button on my phone, demanded "explanations!" It was a mistake. Stabilize already. But no.