Scapegoated by in laws and heartbreak of MIL loss.

[Serendipity12]

I have not posted on here for a while as my no contact with uNPD (malignant and covert) mother and enSIS reaches I about 5 years. Although I hate to admit that they are in my head more than i would like, I am moving through the loss and the stages of grief and I don't doubt - ever - that I made the right decision.  My in-laws live abroad - they retired there - so our little family doesn't have as much to do with them as I would have liked.  MIL especially is a kind person and I would have liked her to have known me these past few years when I think i have been a better person from not being around my FOO - not so many fleas, more balanced and open. 
Alarm bells rang when earlier this year we were talking on the phone and she mentioned my sister, L, saying that she hoped L was ok as L had said in a letter that her husband (my BIL) had died.  I was shocked and felt immediately sick.  I hadn't been told this (wouldn't necessarily have expected to be told) but why was my sister telling MY in-laws who she doesn't really have anything to do with? She only met them a few times years ago, at the wedding etc.  I couldn't really process this straight away, but then I remembered little things like L saying I was lucky to have a nice normal family of in laws.  Envy? 
So sadly since then my MIL who is in her eighties has been taken ill.  It is a hereditary heart condition so my husband is needing to be tested and then, depending on the results, my children too.  And amongst all this worry and heartache is the PD FOO making everything so much worse - because I think there has been a smear campaign since my sister was back in touch and I can't reach out like I would like.  I am literally crying as I type this. 
First i offered to help MIL in any way possible, via email, as I speak the language of their country of choice well and they were having a hard time interpreting medical jargon.  I had a very brief email back from FIL/their other son (who lives with them) saying they were OK thanks.  Then a flying monkey friend of theirs rings last night, son picks up the phone and apparently this friend of their wanted to speak to H, and was talking about him going over to visit in the summer as there is not 'much time left' .  H was out, but she never once asked to speak with me.  My FOO has form for this - my stepfather's death was kept shrouded in secrets and lies and it was made sure that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye in the midst of a smear campaign.  God knows what he went to his grave thinking of me.  I was so upset and confused that he just stopped speaking to me when he went into hospital and my mother took over his 'care.'  I am not allowed any happiness that they feel they can take from me and i am triggered and distraught and don't know what to do without seeming to make this and situation all about me, because it really should be about MIL who I wish I could have been closer to - she herself is a very kind and reasonable lady.  I am not thinking clearly and would so appreciate any suggestions or ideas - anything really!

[Cat of the Canals]

First, take a deep breath. It sounds like your MIL's declining health is (understandably) triggering a lot of old feelings relating to your FOO, and those old feelings are leading you to draw conclusions that may have been true for your FOO but may not be true for your in-laws.

You offered help, and your help was declined... I think there's a very real chance that this is completely innocent. Either they truly do feel that they have things under control or perhaps even don't want to burden you, though you made the offer. For me personally, I have a hyperindependent streak... I loathe asking for or receiving help and often choose to weather these types of storms by myself.

As for the Flying Monkey, again I think there are several innocent explanations. The FM assumed your husband being out also meant you were as well, or the FM specifically felt it necessary to relay this message to your H, but since he wasn't available simply decided to leave a message with whoever happened to answer the phone. I doubt it was meant as a personal slight to you.

I guess what I'm saying is, try not to tangle your FOO stuff with your in-law stuff. They are separate. Even if your sister did attempt a smear campaign, they are still separate. If your in-laws are reasonably emotionally mature, I would think their experience with you would far outweigh the things your sister (a stranger in many ways) might say.

Most of all, please give yourself time to process this. You're in that awful position of knowing you're losing someone but being powerless to do anything about it, and that takes a toll. Be kind to yourself in this time of grief.

[Serendipity12]

Thanks so much for this perspective.  I was definitely losing my sense of proportion about it all - and while I knew I was being triggered, I couldn't seem to sift out what was relevant from what wasn't. Worst, you are right, was feeling powerless to help.  I think I am feeling in a better place - one where I can till be available to my in laws and my husband but without having that tangled up with FOO stuff. A deep breath was definitely what was needed. Thank you again!