Feeling really depressed - need help

[justme2903]

Where to even start..... I have been low contact with my family of origin for about 13 years. I keep it to a minimum due to verbal and emotional abuse from my dad, stepdad, and sometimes older brother. Mom also scapegoats me to her family. She likes to make me look crazy to them. No matter which direction I turn.... whether it be with my dad and his girlfriend, my mom and her husband, my brother and his wife..... I am always the scapegoat, and always treated with contempt. Always.

For most of my life, my dad has used issues surrounding weight to bully me. When I was in my teens and twenties, I struggled with being 20-30 lbs overweight. He would tell me that no man would ever want me for being 20-30 lbs overweight. He said this to me even though HE was always 20-30 lbs overweight. Then I worked really hard to lose that weight - and I did it in a normal healthy way. Once that happened, I did not receive any validation from him. What I started getting was accusations that I had an eating disorder. This accusation was 100% untrue. There is no evidence for it in my life. None. He literally pulled this accusation out of thin air. But he accused me of that for several years. When I gained the 20 lbs back, the accusations of being too fat started again. Well, someone did wind of loving me and marrying me after all, despite my dad's bullying. I got married at 32, even being 30 lbs overweight.

After I had two kids, I really struggled with weight gain. To make a long story short, for various emotional and physical reasons (and medications I was on), I gained a significant amount of weight once I got into my 40's. At my highest weight, I was 285. I felt the utter contempt from my family. It was so thick you could cut it with a knife. They were disgusted with me. I struggled greatly to stop gaining, but every time I stepped on the scale it was always up a pound or two. My brother made fun of me. It was beyond demoralizing. Finally one day, an opportunity opened up in my life to have weight loss surgery. Knowing how my family is, I decided to keep my surgery a secret. I have not told them, and never ever will. So far, I have lost 100 lbs. I went from 285 to 185. Obviously, I am not done losing. I am 5'4", so I have about 50 more pounds to go, to be at a weight that looks good for my frame. Having said all that..... here is where the latest episode of emotional abuse has occurred.

I had not been visiting my family, due to the pandemic. I also wanted to take that time to have my surgery, and lose a significant amount of weight before seeing them again. So I waited till I lost 100 lbs, then we planned our trip to visit. The last time they saw me, I weighed 285. I now weight 185. I want you to know that not one person in my family noticed or said one thing about my weight loss to me. NOT ONE. No one said anything to me. NO ONE. All these years of my life, I have been emotionally abused over being 10-30 lbs overweight..... then treated with utter disgust and contempt for being 285. But when I show up at their door having lost 100 lbs? No one said one word to me. Not one acknowledgement. Not one compliment. NOT ONLY THAT..........

After I got home, my dad called to say he had covid (omicron). During this conversation, he lashed out at me on the phone and said "I'm not worried about myself....but I am worried about YOU. YOU carry too much extra weight. And all the people that are dying, are the ones that are overweight!" I was in utter shock and disbelief. I said calmly "Dad.... did you not notice how much weight I lost?" He said "Oh, you looked good, but it's all these overweight people who are dying." I said "But I lost a very significant amount of weight since the last time you saw me. Could you really not tell?" He said in a very, very hostile angry tone "Don't you go getting pissed off at me girl. I have a right to say what needs to be said". I was determined not to give him the satisfaction of getting me emotional, so I cordially ended the conversation.

I feel numb. I am not sure what to think, feel or do anymore. To be honest, I thought about suicide. This feels like the final straw to me. I cannot believe that I lost 100 lbs.....and they cannot tell? But yet they can?? I have been spiraling with feelings like "So, can no one really tell that I lost 100 lbs? Is it really not noticeable? Or they notice, but are too evil to say anything? Do I have too much excess skin, and they just can't see? Will I not get the validation until I lose ALL of it?" I don't understand. I genuinely feel confused, baffled. I just don't understand. And then to confront me and call me out on my weight (while ignoring their own recent weight gains, by the way) and still treating me with the same hostility and derision they always have...... I can't even digest this in my mind. I feel so confused. It's as though they DEMAND I stay in this role they have created for me, and even when it's clear I'm pulling myself out of the pit they placed me in, they need to put me back in that pit. I do not understand.

I want to add also that when I saw my dads wife during this recent visit, she looked like she had gained about 40 lbs since the last time I saw her. When my dad was laying into me on the phone, he said "My wife and struggle with a few extra pounds, maybe 10 pounds, but you are so overweight you are in danger of dying if you catch covid". I need to emphasize the bitterness and hostility that was in his voice when we were on the phone. And when he said "Don't you go getting pissed off at me", it was a COMMAND.... said with utter contempt in his voice. I want to go no contact, but I am afraid he will smear me on the internet, send the police to my house, call CPS or something terrible like that. I also know that if I go no contact with him, it has to be all of them. Because they all treat me this way.

I just need help. Thoughts, Support. This is so confusing and painful.

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh how I wish I could hug you through the internet. I'm so sorry you went through this.

Let me be clear: you were deserving of love and validation just as much when you weighed 285 as you do now. Your value as a human being is not determined by or tied to some stupid number on a scale.

It's as though they DEMAND I stay in this role they have created for me, and even when it's clear I'm pulling myself out of the pit they placed me in, they need to put me back in that pit. I do not understand.

It's not "as if." It is reality. You are not crazy. This is who they are. You don't understand because you aren't like them.

And to answer your question about how much you'd have to lose before you get validation: The number doesn't exist. Even if you got to the "perfect" weight, they'd continue with the demeaning comments or they'd find something else about you to criticize. You will never get validation from these people -- not because you aren't deserving of it or haven't "achieved" enough -- but because they are incapable of giving it.

This has never been about YOU. That's why you can't win. These are people with something missing inside, a voice that tells them they are worthless and horrible. And instead of facing that voice head-on and telling it to be quiet, they let it loose upon the world. They feel perpetually inferior, and the only way they know how to deal with that is to try to make themselves feel superior to someone else. The cheap and easy way to do that is to choose a scapegoat among their children and make it clear to them that they aren't good enough and never will be. It is a horrid, heartbreaking thing to do to someone.

Given all that, your weight loss probably made those inferior feelings in your family stronger by 100. Here's this thing they've always held over your head as the "reason" you're less-than. And you've changed it. Well, that simply can not stand! They're going to tear you down all over again just to make sure you remember who is inferior/superior in this relationship.

Again, I'm so sorry this was done to you. There are some really great youtube channels that deal with these topics that you might find helpful. Here's one that's focused on being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXE2syw4950

Last but not least, if you have suicidal thoughts, please, please reach out to a suicide hotline or some other professional for help.

[Leonor]

 

[Jolie40]

. I am always the scapegoat. Not one compliment. I have been spiraling with feelings like "So, can no one really tell that I lost 100 lbs? 

Congratulations! 
this is a FANTASTIC accomplishment!

recently lost weight also so I know how difficult it is to lose lbs

I was SG also & we NEVER get compliments
don't remember ever getting one so just know it's not you; it's them who are incapable of being nice


BE PROUD of your accomplishment
Congratulations again!

[JustKathy]

Welcome Justme,

Congratulations on your weight loss. But but but, even if you hadn't lost the weight, you're still a beautiful person and you do not deserve the scapegoating you're receiving. PD parents need to find fault in their SG child. You could be the most beautiful, most educated, most accomplished person in the world and they will still find a way to tear you down. It's what they do.

Cat of the Canals is correct in saying the perfect weight does not exist. Quick story about my own weight..... When I was a teen I was very petite and was regularly complimented on my figure. My mother responded by force-feeding me garbage. I gained a lot of weight and was bullied in school. I left home in my senior year and had a rough time of it. I had no money and little to eat, and my weight dropped back down. My mother was furious. She didn't care that I was homeless, only that I was thin. For the rest of my life she continued to treat me like I was heavy. When I'd go to family gatherings she'd pull out photos of me from high school and pass them around, making jokes about what a "fatty" I used to be.

The short story is that there's no pleasing them. No matter how much you weigh, how you style your hair, the color of your eyes, whatever, they will find fault in it. If you accomplish something (like losing weight), they will pretend it didn't happen.

Please know that you're not alone and there are people who understand and care. Posting in this forum is a good start. Being here has brought me out of many dark days, so keep posting. We are here for you! And I have to echo Cat again on her advice about the Suicide Prevention Hotline. You don't have to be suicidal to call. If you're feeling depressed and hopeless, make the call. The people there are kind and compassionate and they'll help you through it.

Congratulations again on your weight loss. You are beautiful and you are strong! I'm sending you a huge hug.

[11JB68]

 

[sunshine702]

Aww that sucked.  They suck. 

Yeah SG is the punching bag to the Narc and Flying Monkey minions.  We get to pick you for your weight A little, a lot, none - doesn't matter punch punch punch.  The box they will never let you change.  Never good enough ever.  And the whole Covid crap - total excuse.  And a poor one.

Screw that.  In your head pick someone random that you kinda know - hairdresser bank teller.. would you accept those words from them if you were getting your hair done or maybe run to them at the market.  Of course not.  Yet with family they are let off the hook for abuse.  That was abuse.

Hmm what to do moving forward.  Ok so you now know you are never going to "win" with them.  Ever.  Can you win for YOU?  Are you and your husband happy with the results.

The cure is in your heart.  For me my Narc mom hates my dogs so I extra love on them.  What does that look like for you?  Lean into that. 

[Happypants]

You won't get validation no matter how much you lose.  By you gaining control over a part of your life and yourself ie, your weight, they are losing control over you, the you that they need you to be as you've realised yourself.  These situations hurt like hell, and they don't feel like progress but they are.  But I'm so sorry and so angry for you x

[Liketheducks]

What an accomplishment!    I know how difficult losing weight can be.      You are beautiful creature and worthy of good treatment from your family.   Reality is that you're not likely to get that from them.   That is so very sad.     

I had a similar interaction with my mom recently.   She just can't understand that I've changed.   I've grown......and by God.....I hope I always continue learning and growing and improving myself.     Seeing her continue to try to force me into a space that I grew out of years ago....just shows me how she is NOT growing.     That makes me a little sad for her, empathetic even....but I'm not going to let her space pull me out of mine.   I'll stay on my paper, thank you.   

Thank you for your concern.....but I won't be discussing my body with you.   If you continue, I'll have to leave.   

SO many hugs to you.     You're in the right place!     

[justducky]

 

Other board members have said it all. You are beautiful and deserve love, not abuse. It's awful that your FOO is incapable of that. 

[xredshoesx]

thinking of you today-
let today be the first independence day from letting your FOO live in your head rent free.  the other members are correct.  no matter what you do they will never validate you in a positive way.  you don't deserve to have the tremendous accomplishment of putting your own health and well being discounted like that and should only be commended on that milestone goal of losing 100 pounds. 

[moglow]

Absolutely let this be YOUR independence day - free of their judgments and expectations and demands and insults!! You don't have to roll over for it or even listen to it.

I want to go no contact, but I am afraid he will smear me on the internet, send the police to my house, call CPS or something terrible like that. I also know that if I go no contact with him, it has to be all of them. Because they all treat me this way.

Don't be afraid - fear is what's held you back all this time. No matter what you did trying to gain their approval or at least recognition, they remained who they are. Fine. Find acceptance with that, and understand you don't have to be that person anymore. You don't NEED their "approval" anymore.

Small minded vindictive people only see others through their limited lens. So he smears you? The people who believe and promote his shite clearly don't know you and you don't want to know them. Send police or CPS - based on what? Any "investigations" would only show there's not a problem other than in dad's sad little mind. Those ploys would only be to throw you off kilter - so don't let them.

Take a deep breath. Understand you may never get the validation you want from them - that doesn't mean you NEED it. You're still doing what you need to do for yourself and GOOD ON YOU!!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

First of all well done for losing all that weight. It can't have been easy for you. You've done so well to prioritise your health.

Your family don't want to praise you because then they have to address their own weight issues. They are projecting all their own issues onto you. They see you as an easy target.

They maybe trying to provoke you into anger in order to feed their narcissistic supply. They know exactly how to push all your buttons and get the reaction they so desperately crave. If it hurts it isn't love. Loving people don't hurt each other.

How we react is to remain calm and treat them with indifference.

Abusers are all about power and control.

I have set firm boundaries and gone no contact with my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister for over two and a half years. I can't take any more of her abuse.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

We need to work on building our self esteem. We need to become our own cheerleader and praise ourselves for what we have achieved.

You may never get the validation from your family that you are so desperately seeking. My uBPD/NPD sister is emotionally blind to other peoples' feelings. She just can't do it. So expecting her to was just causing me too much upset. Now I practice radical acceptance and accept that she will never change. That has made my life a lot less stressful.

We can't change anyone else's behaviour, we can only change and control our own.

Ask yourself "If these people were not related to me would I have anything else to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly".

I am living with depression and probably CPTSD because of all the abuse I have experienced for decades.

I have joined The Depression Project and get sent free daily supportive emails that help.

You may like to join them for free. Millions of people already have.

https://thedepressionproject.com/

You may also like to join The Frazzled Café online. They offer free online facilitated emotional support groups and hold meetings every day on Zoom. They are based in the UK. They offer non judgemental emotional support. Anyone aged over eighteen years old can join.

https://www.frazzledcafe.org/


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done on the weight loss. Really, truly well done. I was obese for much of my adult life and have managed to lose the weight so I know how tough it can be and how difficult the whole subject can be when a PD parent makes it an issue (my mother did).

Listen, you won't get validation from your family. They have shown that quite clearly. And honestly, do you truly want their validation? What is it actually worth? Right now it sounds like you may still be in the FOG to some extent because you have got so upset by the callous attitude dressed up as concern for you in case you catch Covid. Ugh. I have found that many non PD people can feel threatened when "the fat one" suddenly stops being the fat one, especially if they want to lose some weight themselves. It is no surprise to me that a PD person would be even more annoyed by your successful weight loss. My mother (herself obese) simply cannot comment on my weight any more because I am so utterly obviously a healthy weight. Her tactic now is to say "Oh well, you will soon put all that weight back on. It runs in the family."

What I wish for you is that you can be your own validator. The weight loss is good for you - for your health and longevity. Enjoy it and be proud.

Hugs.

[justme2903]

Thank you to everyone that has replied. I wish I could put a heart emoji, but I don't see one    I'm not sure I can ever wrap my mind around why my dad hates me so much. He used to love me..... from the time I was born, and even into my 20's. I was probably always a scapegoat though. And that scapegoating got much much worse as the years went by. I've never done drugs, don't drink. I have a masters degree. I've been 100% self sufficient since I was in my early 20's. I never really caused him the "trouble" he claims I do..... well, other than the fact that I show emotions, tell the truth, and fight back against abuse. I think I just answered my own question..... that's why he hates me.

[JollyJazz]

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear of the horrible bullying and scapegoating that you have received. And about such a personal issue. Their behavior is absolutely horrible horrible.

Others have made some really good remarks but one thing that really helped me was affirmations, one that really struck a sensitive nerve was 'I deserve love'. Would you be able to repeat it over and over?

It's important to remember THEY are the problem, noone kind and loving would ever bully someone about their weight. Anyway, sending a big hug to you!! 🤗

[guitarman]

I also find affirmations useful. We need to reprogram and combat our negative thinking.

Kris Godinez recommends doing mirror work. You look at yourself in a mirror and praise yourself out loud. 

I have also found Loving Kindness Mindfulness meditations very helpful. There are many on YouTube to watch.

Observe, don't absorb.

Become a mirror not a sponge.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

You posted "... I show emotions, tell the truth, and fight back against abuse."

YES!!!

Abusers don't like their behaviour to be reflected back at them. They also hate to be ignored or to be shown indifference.

Abusers like to always win. They feel that they are always right. We can be called all sorts of things if we dare confront them and stand up to them. They can then turn everything around claiming you are the abuser and they then become the victim.

It's a sick and twisted mind game.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.