It never stops

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I'm feeling kinda 'meh' today I just feel so sad about the lasting impact that the scapegoat caretaker role has had on my life.

I'm recovering and getting there. I'm medium chill/low contact but I just am feeling sad about the way the whole family bullies me, excludes me, gossips about me and generally tears me down.

Anyway I'm tired and I think I'm gonna aim for an early night. I just wanted to vent! Thanks for reading 🙂

[Boat Babe]

Hey JJ. Sounds like you're human to me! We all have ups and downs but if we've been the target of a predatory abuser(s) then we are going to have more ups and downs than others.

This is an opportunity to practice Mindful Self Compassion (see Neff and Germer). The practice soothes and comforts in the immediate moment, then, with time and practice, it has a really beneficial impact on mental and emotional wellbeing. We eventually retrain our brains to be self compassionate, with all the benefits that brings.

But, till then, here's a huge hug .

[Sneezy]

It's just not right, is it?  We have been trained to be the fixers, the caretakers, the ones our family members go to when they need something.  And then they treat us like doormats.

I'm sorry you're feeling down.  Take care of yourself.  Keep your medium chill turned up to extra chilly and hang in there.  Hugs to you 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think having some "down" days are OK, and sometimes it is alright just to acknowledge it for what it is. As a fellow traveler on this road, I just want to say that you are alright just the way you are. 

The projections and labels put upon us from others are what they do, and it has nothing to do with who you are. Your worth is not reflected by any of it, and it is not yours to own. 

I am VVVLC with elderly parents and they had health scare several months ago. After numerous panicked voicemails I reluctantly re-engaged. It was a mess with high drama, emotion and nobody doing anything. I went into "fixer" mode. I organized doctor appointments and transportation, and when test results came in all was well and dad only had a sinus infection. Ugh! My family then praised me saying "how everything got so much better as soon as you got involved." My heart sank. I knew this dynamic. Within a few days, they were back to leaving me angry voicemails. Same old thing.   
           
I do believe those who scapegoat tend to never stop because it serves a purpose for them. We however get to stop the impact it has on us, redirect, and take the path that honors us.

[NarcKiddo]

Although I am glad to have found out what the FOG is and to be getting out of it, I sometimes find it hard to deal with the fact that there is no recovery of the situation. There is recovery of me, and I am grateful I can work towards that, but it would be nice to think that the whole thing could somehow be cured. Often that contributes to any down days I have.

Hope you are feeling brighter today.

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Thanks very much for your replies! It helps so much to hear from others who understand exactly what it's like!

The good news is, I did meditate and practice self soothing / self love affirmations last night. I actually woke up feeling much better and I also did some good self care this evening.

I'll write a longer reply, but for now,
Thank you!!! 

[Boat Babe]

Although I am glad to have found out what the FOG is and to be getting out of it, I sometimes find it hard to deal with the fact that there is no recovery of the situation. There is recovery of me, and I am grateful I can work towards that, but it would be nice to think that the whole thing could somehow be cured. Often that contributes to any down days I have.

Hope you are feeling brighter today.

It's an expectation that we have to drop because it never serves us because they will always disappoint (unless they're lovebombing). Dropping the hope is hard because it is our inner child who has that hope rather than the adult in conversation here. Dropping the hope can happen overnight but it's more likely to be another process that we have to work on, that takes time and is probably not neat and linear. *sighs. That's been my experience thus far. Everytime I see my mother for a visit I still feel anxious and "icky" and have to remind myself that she won't see past her nose, she has black and white thinking in every situation, she will probably say something shocking (usually racist) and remind me that I'm "old". I remind myself to breathe and let go. I still get blindsided!

[JollyJazz]

Hi All, I'm just reading over your great replies again, sorry it was a while. Thanks so much for the great tips, I'm just about to do some self compassion  thank you!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Sneezy,

Thank you 

You're right about the medium chill 

I think I'm going to step up the self care over the next few days as well!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes,

Thanks for this!

I'm sorry to hear that you are also groomed into the 'fixer' role, and not appreciated.

I can definitely relate to this!

I do resent that my brother just plays the victim and yet I was the one helping my parents during the pandemic.

There sure is a lot of projection!!!

Anyway, thank you ☺️

[JollyJazz]

Hi Narckiddo,

Thanks for this, such a great insight.

That's true, I guess I always hope that maybe things will change, but they don't.

Anyway, best wishes to you as well

[JollyJazz]

Hi Boat babe,

Thanks again!

Right... I'm going to do some mindful self compassion right now!

[olivegirl]

Fellow SG here, also the assigned Caretaker.

I am currently NC so I am now happily oblivious to the gossiping and bullying.

But I too get sad bc it didn't have to be this way and I lost my extended family as well.

What really helps me is to remind myself that 1). I did not cause it.

2).  There was nothing I could do to control it.

3).  I did the best that I could to survive it.

4).  I can reclaim my power when I turn away from the abuse, drop the shame and live my best life!

I'm actually proud of myself for all that I have endured.  I try to see myself today as more of a survivor than a scapegoat bc how I see myself is a more accurate reflection of who I am. 

[JollyJazz]

Hi Olive

Thanks very much for your perspective 

You're right, and we aren't alone are we?

I'm glad that you are feeling proud!

On further reflection, me too, it's a lot to grow away from!

Best wishes for your happiness and thanks for your reply