The older mom gets, the less she values my time

[Sneezy]

I know I've posted before regarding how little my mom values my time.  But tonight, she gave up all manipulation and pretext, and just said the quiet part out loud.  Her internet is out.  Mom wants me to come over and fix it.  Now I have no idea what is wrong and I don't have any idea how to fix whatever it is.  I told mom she should call her internet provider and have them fix it (either reset something remotely or set up a technician appointment or whatever they determine she needs).  Mom simply responded "Well, I don't have time to make a phone call."  Really???  The woman who is retired and constantly telling me she has nothing to do doesn't have time to make a phone call?  But she thinks I should take a half day off on a workday and come over to fix something that I have no idea how to fix?

It just astounds me.  When I asked why she didn't have time, Mom told me that she has a meeting at 10:30 and is then going out with friends in the afternoon.  I kept my cool and suggested that she get up 30 minutes earlier than planned and make the phone call.

I'm just venting.  I know she's not going to change.  But it boggles my mind that she thinks it's ok for me to waste several hours of my time so that she doesn't have to be bothered to make a phone call.   

[nanotech]

I've no idea why they think this sort of demand is acceptable. It must be their incredible sense of entitlement .
I'm glad you medium chilled.
They do continue to astound us.
With my UNPDDAD it's usually health related. It took me a long time to realise that I could and should just tell him to ring the doctor. 🤷‍♀️

[notrightinthehead]

Good for you to tell her to get up 30 minutes earlier and make the phone call herself.  Why do things for people that they can do for themselves? Well done!

[Sneezy]

nanotech - Yes, that sense of entitlement is really something.  Earlier this year, I was in the car on the way to the rehearsal for my daughter's wedding.  Mom called (on her house phone) crying that her cell phone didn't work.  She hadn't paid the bill.  I explained that she needed to use her house phone to call her cell phone company and pay the bill and then her cell phone would work.  She then wailed that she had tried this and they put her on hold.  So . . . it was her phone that didn't work and it was her bill that needed to be paid and I was on my way to my daughter's wedding rehearsal and Mom was sitting in her apartment waiting for relatives to arrive.  But somehow she thought I should fix everything for her.  Unbelievable!

notrightinthehead - I need to remember this - I shouldn't do things for mom that she can do for herself.  This is important, both for her to keep her independence and for me to keep my sanity.  I'm here to help in emergencies or when it's important, not to do her everyday tasks for her.  I have to keep reminding myself of this.

[moglow]

She doesn't have time to take care of her business because she's going out with friends - but you're to take off work and figure out how to fix it for her. Got it. Sorry pal, she'd just be without internet until she could find time.

I'm proud of your response! Sounds like you need to do more of those.

[Cat of the Canals]

 

She doesn't want to be inconvenienced, but inconveniencing YOU is perfectly fine. It really takes some nerve to think the way they do.

[lkdrymom]

No time to make a call to the provider yet she had the time to call you?
My father would tell me it was EASIER if I just took care of something.....well it was not EASIER for me now was it?

[p123]

Yeh get this all the time... Well done for the response though. Excellent.....

I think its a "test" to be honest. I know my Dad gets a warm glow knowing he can get me to do something for him. Its not the fact that he needs it done but he likes to KNOW that he can click his fingers and I'll come running.

He even asked the other day "so if I ever need to get to hospital urgently I can phone you"? Nope. If its urgent Im sure an ambulance is appropriate. Rather than wait 45 mins for me to drive to your house. He was VERY unhappy about that - but I told him the people don't normally plan how they're going to get to hospital. But then again hes a habit of fake hospital visits and Im not joining that circus.

[p123]

No time to make a call to the provider yet she had the time to call you?
My father would tell me it was EASIER if I just took care of something.....well it was not EASIER for me now was it?

Yep. Easier for me because Im at home all day. WORKING DAD!!!!!!!

Of course, as per my other posts, "I can't hear on the phone".
"Get your hearing aid sorted?"
This has now turned into "but I get muddled on the phone". Yeh nice try....

[Sneezy]

I think its a "test" to be honest. I know my Dad gets a warm glow knowing he can get me to do something for him. Its not the fact that he needs it done but he likes to KNOW that he can click his fingers and I'll come running.

Yes, I think this is part of it.  Mom is testing me.  Both to see if she has control and also to make sure that I won't abandon her. 

Mom called yesterday and I tried to keep count of all the negative things she said, but I truly lost count.  It was one thing after another - the ribs were fatty at lunch, she went to the movies with friends but didn't like the film, the cleaning lady didn't say hi to her, etc., etc., etc.  But interspersed with all the complaints were at least three requests (demands?) that I take her shopping because she needs various things.  It was especially strange because the things she claimed she needed make no sense.  She said she has nothing to eat for dinner, but her senior living facility provides three meals a day.  Then she said she needed a new plant because someone gave her a plant and the leaves turned yellow.  Ok, but that's not exactly an emergency.  Things like that.  Just weird demands to test me and see if I will come running.

I'm really getting tired of it - her constant neediness is downright exhausting 

[Cat of the Canals]

Given the hoarding tendencies that you've mentioned in other posts, I think the demand that you take her shopping in particular is a double whammy of maladaptive self-soothing. She gets one hit of dopamine from getting you to jump through the hoop and another from the buying itself.

[Sneezy]

Given the hoarding tendencies that you've mentioned in other posts, I think the demand that you take her shopping in particular is a double whammy of maladaptive self-soothing. She gets one hit of dopamine from getting you to jump through the hoop and another from the buying itself.

Good point!  It's a cascading effect - I jump through her hoop, she gets to wander around a store and buy useless stuff, and then (this is something new in the past few weeks) she gets to complain about how crowded her apartment is and how she just has too many piles of stuff.  I'm actually not sure where this latest complaint is leading.  I'm curious to see if she carries it further over the next few weeks/months.  Does she want to move?  Does she want me to help her clean out her apartment (I kind of doubt it)?  Or is it a poor me, I'm crammed into a little senior apartment complaint?  Only time will tell where this is headed.

[Pepin]

I think its a "test" to be honest. I know my Dad gets a warm glow knowing he can get me to do something for him. Its not the fact that he needs it done but he likes to KNOW that he can click his fingers and I'll come running.

Yes, I think this is part of it.  Mom is testing me.  Both to see if she has control and also to make sure that I won't abandon her. 

This really hit a nerve with me today.   Both to see if she has control and also to make sure that I won't abandon her.. This statement couldn't be more true about CN MIL and how she treated DH, yet he failed to see what she was doing.  He made excuses for her instead and then would be irritable after having complied with one of her demands -- almost as if he was duped -- and then the next time he'd do it again.  The dupe in this case is the guilt.  How is it that she really was unable to do or grasp XY or Z?  And DH would even allow himself to swing over into the realm of, "oh, it must be some sort of health issue that her MD overlooked that is causing her to be the way that she is." 

How is it that like clockwork there is always a new demand when Saturday morning rolled around?  Or the infamous phone call from her mid week preparing DH to deal with another demand for the upcoming weekend?  Why was there always a problem with something?  How many problems does the average person have?!  And the worst of all was that she suddenly didn't know how to do something and there was no other explanation other than it had to be done now. 

Clearly this is all about control to them and that their time is the most important.  It wouldn't have mattered if we had double the amount of children we had, more activities of our own, worked longer hours, etc. - CN MIL still would have found a way to insert her demands.  And I don't know if it was a good thing or not that our lives weren't as filled as they were because something on our side would have imploded from the stress.  On the other hand, it was bad that technically our personal plates weren't as full, because CN MIL saw that and made her case to do what she did.  It was a form of hell that she created.  Only her time mattered...I'm glad that you recognize what your mother is doing...I wish my DH had seen what you see.  And I am sorry you are going through this...

[Sneezy]

And I don't know if it was a good thing or not that our lives weren't as filled as they were because something on our side would have imploded from the stress.  On the other hand, it was bad that technically our personal plates weren't as full, because CN MIL saw that and made her case to do what she did.  It was a form of hell that she created. 

Ok, now this is interesting - my life isn't as filled any more either.  I am heading towards retirement and so only working about half time.  And if my mom knew this, she would do what your CN MIL did and demand that I spend my free time on her.  But I lie to my mom about my work schedule.  As far as she knows, I am still working full time and very busy.  She has occasionally asked me what I do all day or who I have meetings with.  But I am just vague about it.  Mom doesn't need to know that my 2 p.m. "meeting" this afternoon is actually a yoga class.

I don't like lying to my mom, but if she had any idea that I have more free time than I let on, she would be more demanding than ever.  This also makes me sad, because before mom moved near me, I really planned on spending more time with her.  I wish I had a "normal" mom to go shopping with and go out for coffee, etc.  But my mom is so miserable to be around that I'd rather clean out a closet and claim it's a "meeting" than spend any more time with her than I have to.  It's sad, but it is what it is.

[moglow]

It is sad, Sneezy, and I totally get the need to lie. Our fellow member Practical introduced me to "notlugen" several years ago - basically using little white lies as and when needed. They're not intended to hurt or cause harm but to avert needless pain and drama.

I see my friends and their mothers, wondering where my relationship with md went wrong and what [if anything] I could have done differently. Mother moved "home" [our hometown] after all of us had moved away, and - full disclosure: I've been back to her town more than once the past few years and never made contact with her at all. I could easily have taken her out to lunch but one small thing gets blown all out of proportion with her where there's then an expectation of and insistence on "more". I'm also held back by the many altercations and "misunderstandings" that she pushed until I couldn't even stand being around it on any level. She's just not a source of joy or warmth or even compassion, seems determined to create chaos at any cost. I just can't and won't live that way anymore. That's when I take a deep breath and remember the weight isn't mine to carry. As you say, it is what it is.

[SunnyMeadow]

Mom doesn't need to know that my 2 p.m. "meeting" this afternoon is actually a yoga class.

I don't like lying to my mom, but if she had any idea that I have more free time than I let on, she would be more demanding than ever.  This also makes me sad, because before mom moved near me, I really planned on spending more time with her.  I wish I had a "normal" mom to go shopping with and go out for coffee, etc.  But my mom is so miserable to be around that I'd rather clean out a closet and claim it's a "meeting" than spend any more time with her than I have to.  It's sad, but it is what it is.

I love the idea of your 2pm meeting being a yoga class. No, your mom doesn't need to know.

I did the same thing, white lie - fib - be dishonest ... whatever you want to call it, I did it and eventually didn't feel bad about it either. I figure, if our PD parents were "normal" we wouldn't have to deceive in any way. And yes, it is sad but that's how we protect ourselves with them as parents.

[p123]

And I don't know if it was a good thing or not that our lives weren't as filled as they were because something on our side would have imploded from the stress.  On the other hand, it was bad that technically our personal plates weren't as full, because CN MIL saw that and made her case to do what she did.  It was a form of hell that she created. 

Ok, now this is interesting - my life isn't as filled any more either.  I am heading towards retirement and so only working about half time.  And if my mom knew this, she would do what your CN MIL did and demand that I spend my free time on her.  But I lie to my mom about my work schedule.  As far as she knows, I am still working full time and very busy.  She has occasionally asked me what I do all day or who I have meetings with.  But I am just vague about it.  Mom doesn't need to know that my 2 p.m. "meeting" this afternoon is actually a yoga class.

I don't like lying to my mom, but if she had any idea that I have more free time than I let on, she would be more demanding than ever.  This also makes me sad, because before mom moved near me, I really planned on spending more time with her.  I wish I had a "normal" mom to go shopping with and go out for coffee, etc.  But my mom is so miserable to be around that I'd rather clean out a closet and claim it's a "meeting" than spend any more time with her than I have to.  It's sad, but it is what it is.

With you on this one - never tell a parent that you've got free time. My Dads the same - ALL MY FREE TIME BELONGS TO HIM or so he thinks.....

He even expects me to let down my kids (youngest is 9) to put him first and hes said that in the past.... Of course I don't.

Hes 2 jobs behind on where my wife works, I dont update him. Any info is used to see if theres a chink where he can an "in". Its easier to say she still works at X and works shifts.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm with you, too. Recently I was trying to sort out a date to visit my mother. I said "I could do x or y, which suits you best?" She replied "Since you're free those times, let's do both."  Fortunately I had the presence of mind to say "Oh no, I am trying to fit in other things round you so those appointments have to be fitted into the day you don't pick." That turned out a win/win because she then thought she took priority over the "other appointments". But I shall know to offer a single date next time, and only proffer an alternative if she turns down the first.

As for the lying - it's very necessary. My husband and I have pretty much retired but as far as she is concerned we work full time (self-employed so she can understand the relative flexibility we can display if it suits us). If she thought we were not working she would also think we were at her beck and call. I don't even care about lying to her - she brought us up to lie to everyone other than her, so it's an easy step to lie to her.

[p123]

I'm with you, too. Recently I was trying to sort out a date to visit my mother. I said "I could do x or y, which suits you best?" She replied "Since you're free those times, let's do both."  Fortunately I had the presence of mind to say "Oh no, I am trying to fit in other things round you so those appointments have to be fitted into the day you don't pick." That turned out a win/win because she then thought she took priority over the "other appointments". But I shall know to offer a single date next time, and only proffer an alternative if she turns down the first.

As for the lying - it's very necessary. My husband and I have pretty much retired but as far as she is concerned we work full time (self-employed so she can understand the relative flexibility we can display if it suits us). If she thought we were not working she would also think we were at her beck and call. I don't even care about lying to her - she brought us up to lie to everyone other than her, so it's an easy step to lie to her.

OMG thats just so cheeky!

My Dad a few times now when I visit him says "Oh it must be nice to come visit me to have a bit of a break".

Yeh Dad I reallly want to work all day, rush to feed my youngest, spend 30 mins in the supermarket getting you're groceries. 30-60 mins driving to you, 60 mins or more listening to you (before I get in the door) ask me why I took so long, then tell me how bad your life is, how ill you are, how I need to get a "proper", how I need to teach that wife of mine who's boss, then I get to drive home. My youngest is normally in bed, its gone 9pm and I haven't even eaten! Its like a 5* holiday day Dad!