The truth war goes on part 2

[losingmyself]

EM, thank you for trusting us enough to open up your heart like that. It's nice to be in a space where there's no judgement for what you say, you're just allowed to let your feels out when you hurt.  I know that you've been through so much, and you're wearing down, but I have seen more strength in you than I could ever imagine having. I hope you have someone IRL that you can lean on, or maybe just have a cold beverage with to center yourself again.
I don't think GC hates you, and I think that it's possible that she misses you as much as you do her. It's just maybe a situation she's gotten herself into that she doesn't know how to get out of. I don't have a lot of good advice, just never stop contacting her to tell her you love and miss her and she's always welcome, whenever she's ready.
It's a long game, stay strong EM!  God bless

[Poison Ivy]

 

[hhaw]

Those feelings will pass, EM.  All feelings pass.

You aren't your feelings. 

They're temporary and not who you are.

Feelings are like clouds and storms passing by.

The sky is always the blue sky.

Clouds and storms always pass.

Picture yourself as the blue sky, always present, always you're true calm state.

The despair you feel....its just clouds and storms....passing through.  Never a true part of you.

This divorce will come and go regardless of the suffering you put into it.

More suffering.

Less suffering.

You're going to be divorced.

If the suffering serves no purpose.....
If worrying and feariby into the future changes
NOTHING....
If ruminating about the past changes nothing......
choose to do what you can in the moment and put the story on the shelf.

Your nose is on the Pebble.  It's all you see, bxmc there's zero spaciousness around your perception of your current crisis.

Your COW has control of you.

I'm not going to tell you what to do.  I'm just reassuring you you have more choice when you learn to calm your brain and Nervous System down.

You suffer less if that's what you ficus on.

It's not your default setting.  Your default settings are thick brain pathways your brain chooses before you're aware.

One you notice the despair approaching....once you become mindful of your internal world.....THEN you open yourself up to more choice.

Your T can show you EMDR and breathing exercises to gain spaciosness and perspective to get your nose off the Pebble and SEE the entire field.....other pebbles and trees and rivers and sky.

Your Pebble is, right now, seems to be GC and her suffering...fear of failing in the legal system and running out of money.....of losing SG or failing to protect her.  These are devastating emotions that do nothing to serve your mission, EM.

Your reactive, which is fearful, survival brain, fight or flight mode..just a terrible biochemical shut down robbing access to your frontal cortex.....logic, reason, creative problem solving abilities you NEED. 

Now more than ever.

Choosing to be responsive....to respond to your daughter's pain....respond to all the threats your children face, respond to your daughter's fearful anger and what's beneath.....
That requires you stop getting dragged along in the children's fear, anger and suffering and feeling it with them so you can shift into brain integrated responsiveness, which means you're more helpful and available to problem solve through all crisis rather than shut down and spin in reactivity.....which is an old very well traveled brain pathway you can notice and create a split second to choose a different pathway....to NOT react, suffer and remain in biochemical hijack mode.

I know that's difficult to understand on a good day. 

Just sit with the pain and tend to it.  Breathe into and accept it.  Comfort it and yourself....,ask your T for help calming your Nervous System.

Like I said, your divorce is going to end whether you suffer more or less.

If you can choose, why not suffer less if it leads to the same outcome AND the ability to be a better, more responsive parent with the ability to respond.....to discern and between good, better, best choices.

Breathe, EM. 

This too shall pass.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your support, I am feeling better today. I now what happened and set me off yesterday, I need to try to stop it but it is so hard. I got a message from the social workers updating me on GC and told me about how great she is doing and then followed by her spending time with uNPDmil and how wonderful everything looked. The problem is that it all look so perfect from the outside, on that text alone even I could almost be fooled things are OK - but I KNOW THEY ARE NOT! It is a mask, they pretend, the social workers must see it, mustn't they? They must know people put on a mask and makes everything looks fine for them? Or don't other people?

Anyway, I am back on focus and am sorting thing after thing. I am reasonable on top of things, but this hearing needs so much things and so much prep. I am still worried but I need to put the worry to one side and carry on.

[hhaw]

Do your best then turn towards SG and self care. 

You can't help GC when you're in fight or flight.  It's difficult to help ourselves when we're in survival mode, ime.

Stbx gets away with stealing your serenity, competency, creativity and joy when you're stuck in survival mode, bc of her and the legal.

One day you'll wish you stopped stbx's theft.....youll wish you'd learned to rip your peace of mind back from stbx and use it to build a happy life.....youll wish you'd learned to use it against her and never allow stbx to create this much suffering for you again.

Remember, stbx can't erase the tapes of her abusive raging, no matter how good her in person performance is.

Stbx WILL have to answer for them, at some point.

Expect her to dislike it and perhaps be defensive or angry....to rage when your barrister asks her pointed questions no one else has asked without stbx going feral.

If stbx loses her composure in the courtroom, the Judge will likely understand the stbx situation is far from stable and healthy for children.

If the right evidence is presented with your Judge in mind....at the right time.....you give yourself and your children the best possible chance and situation to heal and grow past the abuse.

Your girls won't be this vulnerable much longer.  They'll be grown and decide for themselves how to life, hopefully.

Whatever tgecwirst case scenario is in your mind....accept it and stop spinning your wheels wishing it was different......relax....Breathe....go back to preparing your case and finding joy in your moments.....take back control over your Nervous System from stbx and the apparently easily manipulated social services investigator.

Remember, there will always be 1 dumb bunny the stbx manages to fool.  It's not the end of the world, though it feels that way.

It's really information you need to counter the dumb bunny testimony/ opinion/ report or evaluation.

The social servivas gal won't be able to explain away the evidence so find an expert who can exploit/ make sense of the evidence against the stbx with calm, pointed and relentless competency.

Hopefully someone the court uses regularly, respects and trusts....particularly your Judge likes and trusts.

I'll repeat....dont assume something (that seems) bad for you won't end up being the very thing that informs your Judge about stbx's abuse and PD.

Try to rise up, see the entire picture with distance, breathe and drop judgment....get curious and wonder what this or that evidence or strategy or expert will change or bring to light.

You haven't lost GC forever.  Stop worrying into the future OR accept it could happen and notice feeling calmer.

Acceptance is a tool to help calm your Nervous System.

It means nothing to accept a possibility you feel you can't live with......well....it means you can turn away from that fear and suffering towards ACTION and doing what you can to avoid it, ime.

That is an amazing resource to take back from stbx, who is applying pressure in hopes you'll fall apart and self destruct so stbx can avoid the reckoning of evidence she cannot win.

A trial.

The social services gal can taint your Judge's opinion, at least for a short while, but she can't change the evidence or stop the Judge from hearing it.

You don't have to settle your case based on the social services report, EM.  You can look past it and work on what comes next instead.

There's a terrible cadence to divorce with a PD spouse, esp with children involved.

Learning to bounce over the speed bumps rather then ram one's head into them....helps, ime.

That bump might just be the thing you spring off of, to gain more distance, to SHOW the court what is real.

I can't go back and explain that to myself, but I can try to help you.

You've bitten your tongue and controlled yourself with super human ability for many years, EM.

Your stbx has zero practice controlling herself.  Sure, she can make nice for a while....iluntil things aren't going her way.

The social services report will give stbx a false sense of security..,,stbx will likely get cocky and overly confident, which IS NOT going to work for stbx in court, ime.

Been there, done that.  The PD's inability to read a room or understand pressing what amounts to a very small and illogical advantage WILL backfire under the harsh light in a courtroom, EM.

Once the Court understands a witness has been manipulated.....the Court dismisses the witness and punishes the PD and opposing counsel, ime.

So, don't agree to anything based on the manipulated social services report.  Just KNOW that's not as important as it feels or you're being lead to believe.....look down my path....SEE how your situation might turn out with regard to trial prep, discrediting witnesses the stbx has fooled and getting REAL evidence in front of a trial court without sabotaging yourself or your ability to be heard.

You're going to lose skirmishes, EM, bc PDs do well with some dumb bunny people who are easily manipulated.

The PD can't run the same game on everyone and eventually everyinecends up in the same room with a Judge glaring at them, the evidence and the stbx' s face when she realizes her advantage has been thwarted.  Oh my....thats a moment in the courtroom, EM....terrible yet exhilarating. 

I found myself peeking from between my fingers....I had to force my hands back into my lap during a PD's testimony where his testimony was so bad for him in I was embarrassed and mortified to the point I covered my face without realizing it, EM.

What do you think your stbx will do and say when your barrister plays a tape tgen asks 3 pointed follow up questions?

How does your PD usually handle humiliation, being called out in many lies while facing consequences SHE can't live with?

That's your scenario and you will never be caught in a lie...
The evidence will consistently back you up.....
You will never said your voice or get snarky or defensive....
You will never order the Judge around or sneer at opposing counsel, EM, bc you've been practicing control and silence while the stbx has never had to control herself is act normal for extended periods if time.
But you have.

It's likely to work out better for you, and the dumb bunny manipulated and fooled social services gal will likely be the ONLY court officer your stbx puppets in this case.....there's always one, EM.

If you have to go to court again, say.....to enfirce a Judge's Order, there will likely be a dumb bunny court officer in that one too, (but the PDs can't fool everyone all of the time, EM.) Not when there's solid very compelling evidence presented without expectation, ime.

Breathe.  See tour T mire often.  Take half the money.  Be smart with it....dont waste it all in settlement discussions.  Save some for trial.

[justducky]

EM, I've watched my four stepkids grow up with a uPDmother and her sister doing their best to turn the kids against my husband. My H and his family have consistently taken the high road. As much as I want to scream bloody murder sometimes, I keep my mouth shut. We don't talk badly about biomom.

It's paying off.

The 15-year-old daughter is now more mature than her mother. She expressed some of her challenges and frustrations to H and I recently. I let H do most of the talking. He handled it well, emphasizing what she can do and that she can talk to us. That we'll always be there for her.

The other kids have varying amounts of awareness (at least as far as I know) about their mother.

I tell you this because I believe that you and GC will reconcile one day. It might not be for a while. Keep showing up for her. Even if she's ignoring and rejecting now, she's noticing.

Kids want a good relationship with both parents.

Keep being you. She'll come back when she's ready and able.

[Cat of the Canals]

I tell you this because I believe that you and GC will reconcile one day. It might not be for a while. Keep showing up for her. Even if she's ignoring and rejecting now, she's noticing.

I'd go one step further and say that she will be able to come back to you because you left. You are carving out a safe haven, not just for you, but for your children.

How long do you think your ex can go before her masks starts regularly slipping with GC? Your daughters are at an age where they yearn for independence, which I imagine is unacceptable to your ex. That will create plenty of chaos all by itself. But also, without you and SG around to act as lightning rods for her negative emotions, it's only a matter of time before your ex turns the worst of her abuse on GC. The problem for your ex is that GC now has somewhere safe to flee to: You.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your encouraging posts, I wish I was as optimistic as you are.

I have passed GC a couple of times now and she look so sad, SG commented on that it looked like she was crying yesterday. Now she completely ignores all my messages, can only assume that is because uNPDx stepped up her brain washing and she either believes it or just makes it easy for her selves and block me from her mind. For now, until the hearing in a month I got to write her off and accept nothing will change, I will of course message her but in my mind know she will not come back to me. I had to give up her tickets on the trip to see family and friends as all airlines are cancelling left right and centre and I got to be sensible with it, rather me and SG actually can go than waiting until no one can go. SG is so excited about seeing all her family on my side she hasn't seen since before the pandemic. We are now going to spend 3 weeks with friends and family, that will also give me more space to have someone else looking after SG when I prepare for the hearing.

I have listened to you all and what will be will be. I am spending all my time, resources and money to try to get GC home. If all that fails it fails and I can at least look me in the mirror and say I tried. Right now I have no energy for anything else, I really am worn out. I struggle with work to say the least, but I only have a few days left then I am off work all the way until the hearing.

Thanks again for all your support.

[falsebalance2]

Falsebalance, thanks for your kind words and good luck in your own battle. I can so relate to what you are writing about your dad, a few years ago everything started to come to it's head as uNPDx made it clear I had to chose between her and the children. I was either joining her in her abuse or else I was going to be the abused one. This coincided with the girls coming to an age where they started to flex their muscles and wanted more independence and freedom, this was not acceptable for uNPDx. Without me realising it she quickly promoted GC to replace me and me to be the new family scapegoat together with SG who refused to join forces with her and GC. I can see it clear as daylight now and all I can say is that she is abusing GC using emotional incest right now. GC is expected to behave and act like an adult and for uNPDx to offload all her emotions on her.

Wow! Yes, same pattern! I was SG and my brother was GC. Mother made sure there was a huge display in all things to show I was inferior to GC brother - and she most definitely did emotional incest and still does to this day with GC. I would be roped in on occasion - but once I consoled her I went back to being filthy SG and she was disgusted by even stooping so low as to confide in me.

I'm so proud of you EM! It may look like a disaster right now - But you may have saved both of your daughter's from more than you know.

Had my father been able to say "this isn't right. This isn't normal!" He may have lost my GC brother for a while - and only had me....But I think it eventually would have given my GC brother a way out...

As it is now they are still all enmeshed and the narrative is I'm just scum of the earth that THEY all cut off 

I let them have their narrative and never tried to clear my name. I felt it was a bit of compassion I could show toward my brother - who did horrible things to me in order not to suffer mother's wrath....But I thought if I fought for my image he may become the new SG.

And the cycle continues as now he has children and she'll get to start her game anew.

Prayers for you and hope you keep posting.

I don't have any good advice just can tell you what I wish my dad would have done and did wish from very early on. I know my GC brother wanted the same thing. He confided in me a few times as much.

I think the age of your girls is adding a bit of fuel to the flames - it is a hard age for them....So they would likely have had some of the same drama and dynamics - but with a father in the FOG and SG would have left as soon as she could and you'd be left out while GC and your stbx carried on. That's the dynamic of my FOO.

[falsebalance2]

I have listened to you all and what will be will be. I am spending all my time, resources and money to try to get GC home. If all that fails it fails and I can at least look me in the mirror and say I tried. Right now I have no energy for anything else, I really am worn out.

EM

I had to come to that place too, in order to have peace. Even if it cost me the kids as he threatened every so often - it was going to cost you one way or the other.

This way you can live with yourself...

What your stbx does to your children's minds on her own time will rest on her soul. Not yours.

And your current attitude will keep you relaxed and make you approachable.

Also I agree your stbx will start slipping and abusing GC more which could lead to some behavioral issues at school. She will start to question stbx's logic when things aren't going so well with peers. Girls and their moms can already be an emotionally charged relationship....But in this case...stbx may wind up 'losing it' one too many a time.


Do what you can and take care of yourself! You can't do anything unless you're ok!

[escapingman]

One year ago, I was on my knees, I was desperate to get out. I had no idea how, I just wanted to close my eyes, go to sleep, and wake up free and uNPDx gone. I wanted someone else to sort it for me, I just wanted out, but I did not know how to get out, I was scared, I was scared of being hurt, I was scared of hurting her.

One year ago......

If I would look at where I am now in a crystal ball one year ago, I would first of all not believe I did it, that I actually managed to get her out of the house and for me and SG to be free. If anyone would have offered me this one year ago I would have bitten their hand off. Yes I am still struggling, fighting for GC, hearings, solicitors, money, all kinds, but....... I AM FREE!

I just can't believe I am here.

Thank you all!

[hhaw]

Perspective, gratitude and recognition for how far one has traveled Out of the FOG....

You've fought tooth and nail to get where you are, EM.

I'm glad you're pausing to recognize and appreciate all you've accomplished. 

You're fighting to end generational trauma for your children and for yourself. It's not a lineal healing event.

It's fought by inches and moments, with intestinal fortityde, blood, sweat and tears, ime.

One fights, not bc one wants to fight, but bc not fighting becomes wholly untenanable.

[escapingman]

I am not sure if this is a minor victory, that she is cracking a little bit or if I am reading into it to much. I sent a message to GC telling her I have some stuff for her and that I can put it in a bag outside for her to collect. Didn't get a reply. Then I sent another message telling her I am going out for half an hour, I will leave the bag out if she wants it. When I came back it was gone.

[square]

Well. She's reading your messages. And surely showing them all to mom, who I assume was involved (possibly solely) in the grab.

I don't see anything else in there.

I agree with others that I think you and GC will reconcile but not sure if in the short term, medium term, or long term.

The picture I see from your posts is that she is having a very very hard time right now. I'm guessing she is in a tough place and is maybe getting dumped on a lot by her mother and grandmother. Guessing the dynamics in that house require mom suck up to grandma, so GC is, if not the actual SG yet, at least required to bear the burden in many ways.

GC may sometimes wish she was with you but is unsure since she's bought into her mom's story. And she knows if she cracks at all she will have "betrayed" mom so she won't make a move unless she's willing to burn it all down - and she's not sure how much about you is lies or not.

Finally, she's likely internalized the idea that what mom thinks defines whether she is a good girl, valid. SG had that easier because her choice was to buy into that and feel awful or shake it off and feel better. For GC to shake it off is a trap, for SG it was staying in the narrative that was the trap.



EM, there was no option where you could have removed GC from this. You tried every way. Now you have made it possible for her to escape. Will she do so anytime soon? I don't know. But you've given her he only possible out. The abuse is her mom's choice, not yours, and you've taken your stand. Now it's up to GC to decide if she will take the out. It's a massive decision for her and she will pay a price either way. But you didn't cause it and staying would have put her in the same position. The price exacted is all from her mother.

Keep going.

[hhaw]

EM:

Have you documented the stbx's ideas about splitting custody of the children?

I doubt stbx has said that to anyone but you.  IF she has....its not the idea of a stable parent who wants to do what's best for her children, ime.

If you don't have a file on CUSTODY yet....I'd start one.

The Courts won't look kindly on the PD nonsensical solution to shield herself from consequences by completely giving up the child blowing the abuse whistle, ime.l, which is what that is, imo.

It's not a solution....it's a nutsy non-solution and you'll want to share with that social services evaluator if you have evidence to back up that statement.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday with SG.  Just.....turn toward every ounce of joy you can find and grab it.



Keep pushing your strongest evidence and the things you know will shove stbx over her edges.

Do you have access to SG's texts?  If not, you should, ime.  Lord only knows what the STBX is saying to SG.

[escapingman]

Hhaw, her emergency hearing was based on her wanting to keep GC and leave SG with me. I am not sure how she was allowed to get away with that. I was apparently dangerous for GC as I am an abuser and an alcoholic, but SG was still safe from me. That was her own words in her application.

[escapingman]

I am starting to get really frustrated with all this legal process and the authorities, they really don't understand PD and the process is not built for this. How could they not rule already from the start that uNPDx is at fault and need to lose all her rights with the girls. How can they even listen to her accusations against me and take them as serious as my accusations when she has not once mentioned any wrong doings from me since last autumn when starting the divorce. All the time she has tried to tell me to change my mind and how she wants to keep the marriage, if I had done everything she accuses me of why would she want me? Why do I have a feeling that this next hearing will just be another money draining show for the legal people to not come up with anything other than another hearing in X months time is needed and until then nothing changes. Why do I feel like I am just fighting a never ending battle? Maybe I should just agree to one girl each and just wait for GC to come home on her own accord whenever and if that would ever happened. I am tired of fighting, I never wanted this, I just wanted peace and safety for me and my girls. I can't live my life just waiting and preparing for the next hearing, this could drag on for years. I know GC is being brain washed, but sometimes I am just questioning why I am fighting for someone that is treating me so badly. I am worried she has already got the NPD-gene if there is one and are already on her way to become as damaged as her mum. That will very likely happen if I can't get her out NOW and get her help. How can the authorities believe her when she says everything is fine at home when SG has given detailed statements about how she has been abused? I got the impression in my last contact with social services that they are getting annoyed with me for suggesting there is abuse behind closed doors, have they even understood what is happening on my recordings? They have been given a ten minute, TEN MINUTE, recording of uNPDx and GC screaming and swearing at each other calling each other any name under the sun and then escalating it in to physical attacks against each other. Based on that recording alone uNPDx should already be under mental illness evaluation. They have a recording of her laying on the floor uncontrollable screaming with the girls trying to get her to stop, all clear to hear on the recording. And that only 2 recordings, 2 out of 10 they have been given. 2 out of 20 the court has been given. 2 out 40 my solicitor has been given. 2 out of 400 I have got.

Where is the common sense in all this?

[escapingman]

Thank God for my recordings. I struggled today, both with the motivation why I am doing this and also a bit with cognitive dissonance. But spending half an hour listen to some of the recordings got me back on track mentally, I never ever want to go back to that. It doesn't matter whatever "nice" thing she would do or not do, I am not going through it ever again. Relistening to some of them really gives me the chill, so much gaslighting in there it is impossible to realise when it is going on.

[SonofThunder]

Hi EM, 😊

I understand its SO very frustrating...hang in there soldier. From all your past writings, you have presented your case well and provided as much truth documentation as possible. 

Along this process, the government systems in place, their slow grinding gears and the current laws of the land will have to play out.  In addition, PD's will get a feeling of power, control and resupply of manipulation energy by knowing the person who is has left them, is bogged down in the bumpy, muddy, twisting, sometimes circling back, foggy road of long process they hope to create. 

I will keep reminding myself that the other party is a very practice-skilled manipulator who also hangs out on the victim side of the triangle.  I will not forget that everyone my stbx is starting to work with, has zero history with her and that she will use her honed skills and traits to quickly convince everyone along the way toward her victimhood and innocence in which she was broadsided.  She will utilize that system, the law, societal norms and expectations regarding husband & wife, motherhood & fatherhood and victimhood to assist. She will get pleasures along that road, knowing she and her lawyer have brought the process to a slow crawl on occasion and picture in her head, how their persecutor must be agonizing over the periodic inability to drive forward.   I am of the opinion that truth will prevail, but its going to potentially be a very slow process, depending on certain factors along the way. 

I want to remind you of the importance of boundaries, which also include our own health, sanity, joy and self control, in which you are in charge.  I want to encourage you, during these slowly grinding times, when the system and the law seem to be well-played by the PD, that you focus on your physical and mental health, your personal joy, your joy with SG, your friendships, your house, your town, the joy of the seasons/outdoors, and the small things in life in which you find joy and pleasure.  Purposefully detour onto a much smoother, sunnier road that is alongside this muddy, foggy, rough street of divorce you are traveling.  Put the EM gears into four-wheel drive and cross over the muddy median onto the paralleling 'living your daydreams' lane all while keeping an eye on the process and cross back over when you required.  Back and forth, steady forward progress.  This purposeful detouring is also allowing you to neutralize the desired bog-down effect from the PD; an antidote to their desired, manipulative, situational control tactics. 

At some point in time, you may be able to see down the road enough to recognize a real end to the muddy, foggy road of divorce but that daydream lane just keeps on going into the horizon.  Your stbx wants you to drive only the muddy, bumpy road to divorce 24/7 in the fog of system process.  She cannot control your joy, your health, your sanity...etc and she cannot control your daydreams. 

I wish you a weekend on daydream lane, giving you a fresh understanding of the slow road of divorce that you will periodically cross back over upon, until you find another soonest-opportunity, in self-controlled boundary enforcement, to get back on daydream lane for refueling and refreshment. 

In encouragement of my comrades,

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Great suggestions that I need right now too...

Thank you