The truth war goes on part 2

[escapingman]

This is freaky, for the last how many years I struggled with concentrating. I can't even remember a number for 2 seconds, like when I get these access codes to various apps sent through I need to do 1 or 2 numbers a time as I keep forgetting the next number. Yesterday, I was going to fill in a form and needed an identity number from one of SG's friends, her mum texted me the 9 digit number, I opened the app to enter it and I remembered all 9 number, ALL 9! Just like that. How is that possible? That has to do with the stress going and concentration coming back somewhere in the background. I was amazed.

[SonofThunder]

EM, glad to read you are finding detailed ways you are beginning to heal and which also assist in confidence building.

SoT

[guitarman]

Glad to know that your memory is improving. Your concentration will also become better. When we are stressed and traumatised our mind is focused on keeping us alive and keeping us alert to any potential threat and harm. When the danger has passed we are able to relax and our memory improves.

Here is a link to an interesting article about memory and trauma.

https://exploringyourmind.com/memory-and-trauma-whats-the-link/

When we are traumatised stress hormones are released in our body to keep us alive. We can get overwhelmed by them. It's fascinating to find out how our bodies react to being stressed and also how we can learn to maintain calmness through meditation and breathing exercises.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Andeza]

*nods* Yes I you distance yourself more from the trauma your memory will bounce back. Perhaps only some, perhaps as good as it was before the whole mess started. My dad cannot remember my childhood well. I ask him things "Did I do x when I was little?" and he cannot remember. He has some of the memories, but the trauma and disassociation took their toll. I have my own children now, and I can't imagine not being able to remember the particulars of their youth. When they were born, when we got them on solid food, when they potty-trained, etc. These major milestones will likely be imprinted on my memory for many years to come. But not so for my dad. Since he divorced uBPDm I think he's gotten better as well.

[escapingman]

To start I want to reply to you Andeza, I have very little recollection about what happened during almost 5 years. Not daytime stuff and things, but in the evenings when uNPDx always is at her worst. I can remember me standing outside her bedroom begging her to come back downstairs, but I don't really remember what happened before. Lots of things with the girls I am not remembering, it's just blank. Although I remember milestones, one I remember the most is when GC was about 4 months old and rolled over for the first time. She did it in front of me, my mum and sister - uNPDx wasn't there. I was frightened through my skin that she would find out a milestone was done without her. She didn't find out and I had to pretend it was the first time when GC did it next time in front of her. Same with everything, I feel sick thinking back to it.

Today was a good day. SG thanked me before going to bed and said I treat her so well. That melted my heart. We went out for an activity all afternoon, had tickets for her and GC, but GC obviously didn't come so SG invited a friend instead. Them after dropping her friend off SG got a KFC on her way home, she loves it (I hate it). SG's friends mum thanked me alot for inviting her daughter, SG had the time of her life and her friends seems to have had a great time too. All these things feels like living a new life, SG is so happy and so calm. She is on fire without the abuse from her mum.

One really interesting thing about this whole thing, I put our day on social media to share with friends and family (uNPDx blocked). I got a comment as if everything is normal from uNPDx best friend. I got to wonder, has she not told her what is going on? Has the smear campaign not started? Or does her friend not care? If it is the case she hasn't told her, my guess is that she is so worried and ashamed about what is going on so she is not telling anyone. 

[rockandhardplace]

EM - I wonder has she even told anyone about what's happening?? I haven't left my UPDh but we've had separate rooms for 3 years, relationship broke down 4 years ago. He still books holidays for all of us as a family. We have no family on either side in this country and with covid not seen anyone for 3 years, but I had told his mum last time I saw her how bad things were. We'd had this ridiculous holiday with all his family and about a year later his sil said something about it being sad we won't all see each other xmas and so I took the chance to say - hey do you guys not know how bad things are at home?? She said they had an idea that things weren't great but that was it. I've overheard his mum talk to him about friends of mine, asking has he seen them or about my family. He has to fluff over it because none of my friends will have a bar of him and he's got no idea about my family as we only communicate about essential stuff around the kids by email/text and him raging yelling verbal abuse at me every few months. And me saying every few months, this dysfunctional living situation is bad for me and kids, what do you want to do. To which I always get abuse. His mum rarely contacts me directly now so she may be getting some kind of info by now but it's clearly minimal. No doubt he just says I'm causing issues or something. But it's literally insane. I have this beyond mental situation at the moment where he has booked flights for all of us for his brothers wedding, but he won't give me the flight details/confirm if I'm even on the flights. But I know I am as I overheard him talking to his mum about the cost for 5 people. He talked to the kids about this before booking but not me. He casually mentioned once but just asked if there's any reason I can't do those dates and I said I don't know as might clash with uni get something flexible and he booked non-refundable tickets that day. And now my mum is really sick so I want to get home to see her so gave him some options for flights - like i could fly from his brothers wedding with the kids on day 3/4. Or can he take our eldest to her dance comp so I can go earlier and meet them for the wedding. No response but I overheard him talk about us all flying together to the wedding, but that he might go earlier cus he's not going to our dd dance comp!!! It's like he can simultaneously act like I literally do not exist but at the same time include me in family / public things so we appear to be a normal family!?!? I mean I know what it is. I was just a womb/babysitter. His dad is like that in terms of just making all the family decisions and his mum used to tell me not to try and talk to them but that you work out how to manipulate things to your own advantage. But I don't think this is just old fashioned gendered roles/ man of the house bs, the projections I get when I challenge him about our situation are next level. Maybe they all have PDs?

[square]

I have no idea but one possibility is that the best friend is pretending to be nice to you but is passing information to stbx and just trying to keep your guard down.

Or yeah, maybe she doesn't know
Or wants to be "neutral"

[SonofThunder]

....one possibility is that the best friend is pretending to be nice to you but is passing information to stbx

Friend is not blocked from social media so stbx can keep up to date with your/SG's activities through watching the posts when with the friend. 

I dont think mentioned yet, but her keeping the situation as private as possible, may be a preventative in keeping one particular person in the dark, who stbx would not want the info to be revealed, and gossip from others (friends/family) would potentially reach this person.  This person may be someone that stbx believes is a threat to stbx's reputation; one who may be highly disappointed or highly internally victorious at stbx's plight, such as another family member or ex-friend/competitive acquaintance who may be PD as well.

SoT

[escapingman]

I very rarely post on social media and when I do it is no sensitive information at all so if this was fed back to uNPDx it doesn't matter at all to me. TBH I think I still have uNPDmil there so she would be able to relay any information anyway. I still keep her there because I know she would relay info and that might serve me in at some point planting something. But when it comes to the friend, it looks to me she hasn't been told or at least not smeared me yet. The friend has a BIG social network and is known as the one with the big gob so I am not surprised if she has not been told.

My guess is that she has told her mum and sister, they have been fed a lie and been told I am the bad one. I would expect her mum to side with her whatever she believes, BUT if there would be any risk for her name being dragged through the mud she would not be happy. I have said before, she could be my golden ticket and the one to put pressure on. She wouldn't care about GC and SG, if it was a choice of uNPDx abuse being out for everyone to know or GC being sent back to me and a deal that I keep quiet about the abuse I know what she would push for.

I am almost 2 months out now since I left uNPDx, I feel I am maturing immensely and can start taking adult decisions. It's a long way to go, but to not have every little thing questioned is just wonderful. I know it is part of just being a human being, but all that was ripped away from me for so long.

[escapingman]

This is starting to get to me, it probably deserves it's own topic but..... I have tried to stay away from her stuff and space, and when I needed something asked where it was. Now when she is out of the house I have realised the extent of her hoarding. Every wardrobe, every drawer, the closets, the cup boards the garage. It is all jam packed with stuff, it is the old ornaments, the spare parts from items no longer in possesion, paint for an old car, tags from old presents, shoes, cards, clothes, empty boxes you name it. It is all jig sawed in so to get a box towards the back you need to remove 10 boxes and in a particular order, I failed and can not put them back. In the garage, I need my drill, she has put 3 heavy boxes of christmas decoration on top of the box with the drill. But to get to the boxes I need to first remove a ladder, then all items leaning against the boxes followed with taking away the rolls of bobble wrap on top. All this for drilling a few holes.  Yesterday I was searching for a box with some specific clothing, after emptying 2 wardrobes full of boxes I had to give up. She needs new ornaments all the time, but the old ones goes into storage in case she wants to put them back out again (she never), and then the new ones get replaced, and so it keeps going. She wanted to clean the carpet once, instead of calling a carpet cleaner she bought a big massive carpet cleaning machine, it has never been used again and takes up half a cup board. unpdMIL decided my hose pipe wasn't good enough, so she gave a new one to uNPDx, a massive snaky one taking up tons of space in the garage, completely useless but in addition to my hose we now have 2. She replace the Christmas tree a few years ago, but instead of throwing away the old one, the one she told me was useless hence we needed a new one, she found a new place for it in another room so now we have 2. One new and one deemed unsuitable for being a Christmas tree. Both taking space in the garage, I am not allowed to store things in the attic as she has decided anything in the attic gets musty and mouldy (same storing conditions as in the garage). So instead, the garage is full of boxes with stuff noone ever look at and should either be taken to the tip or stored in the attic where it's out of everybody's way.

Rant over and back into the garage and dig out my drill.

[square]

Three cheers for your drill!! May it walk out halfway to meet you!!

[justducky]

*hugs* to you, EM. You can start to excavate to get at your stuff and create some breathing room!

It never fails to amaze me how many PDs hoard. uPD father kept useless crap like empty boxes and bills and receipts decades old. He hoarded up the basement with crap. His stuff upstairs had started taking over the house near the end of his life. His parents were even worse. Their house was approaching that of an episode of Hoarders at the end of their lives.

[Andeza]

EM, I also want to encourage/warn you that all those memories may come back at some point. My DH recently went NC with his parents, and for our entire adult lives he's had almost no memories prior to age 15. After almost a year NC, he got them all back. He can remember his childhood once more. Not everybody has that happen, but just in case, it is a sign of the brain healing.

[escapingman]

When searching for the extension lead I found the kettle that broke and we replaced with the old kettle we replace a year ago. In case the new kettle brakes we need to keep the old that broke to see if we can temporary use that one before ordering a new one on a 24 deliver service.....

I found my drill and got it out, I also managed to climb the ladders and drill some holes to install my brand new CCTV to keep an eye on the house to see if anything stupid happens whilst me and SG are away during the summer holidays. Any alerts are immediately recorded and sent to my phone (if I get it all to work).

[Poison Ivy]

I now am sole owner of the house that then-H and I bought more than 30 years ago. We've been divorced for 6 years, and I'm still dealing with things he left here and stuff he neglected or broke. It's frustrating, but at least I have sole decision-making power now.

[square]

I fantasize about having the house to myself because I could finally manage it. And I know it would take me a long long time to get it anywhere. Kind of makes me sad because being comfortable in my home is very important to me, but as my disability progresses I think I will never have a chance to live in a space of my own that I'm confortable in.

[escapingman]

I am sorry square, I hope you can find a way to manage it on your own.

I realised this was the first time I done some major things like drilling a few holes in the wall without being overlooked at shouted at. I didn't need the spirit level, I could blow the brick dust into the air without anyone dying, the installation of the CCTV and the solar panel just went fine. It went fine! It actually went fine without any drama. I haven't been able to put a single nail in a wall the last 15 years without someone looking over my shoulders shouting as soon as I do something wrong. This was such a small thing but really liberating, I bought the piece of kit, I planned where to put it up and I put it up on my own - in my own time!

Things are coming to a head coming up to the hearing in a month, I am filing my statement and uNPDx is filing hers. Then we have 2 weeks to defend the accusations. My solicitor has built my statement based on my diary and recordings. She said she is worn out going through all my evidence as it is so much. I have some trust in this as she said she divided the abuse up in sections and named them with names and included a specific section of all silent treatments I had put in my diary. I will receive this tomorrow to review. SG is getting angrier and angrier with uNPDx and I doubt she even want to see her again, I don't blame her but I am trying to not encouraging her.

Thanks for all support all of you, I am waking up slowly. I am feeling life is coming back.

[losingmyself]

I have a fantasy that if I'm ever alone in my home, I will rent a big roll-off trailer and just dump everything that I don't want into it. I would empty the basement and the garage, and all around it. I dream of just having room to move around! Maybe I would even be able to park my car in the garage!!!

[escapingman]

Been talking to a mortgage broker, that was a really good exercise as I realised I don't want to keep the house and have a big mortgage around my neck. I want to start fresh, downsize and rather spend money on travelling and working less than trying to keep a big house. I don't want to see sll of her junk anymore, TBH she can have almost everything and then I can start fresh. She has picked everything in the house anyway. Yes the girls will miss the house, buts it's only a house, and GC has left anyway.

[Boat Babe]

I think a fresh start is an excellent to idea, for you and the girls. Also living modestly but happily is the way forward. Your ex is the one who chased status; let her carry on pursuing an illusion. If you have a smaller place with a smaller mortgage you'll have disposable income to do nice things with the girls with no reminders of abuse in every room in the house.