"Flow" and ocpd

[Prototypian]

There is a fabulous book I read years ago called rise of Superman.   It covers a number of areas of rapid improvement in areas like sports, coding and writing that occur when "best practices" become understood, able to be broken down and shared.   It covers skateboarding and the fact that the sport was interesting but radically took off when vcr tapes allowed thousands of kids to dissect tough moves then record more and share them.

At another part it discussed a state called "flow" which is effectively when a person only focuses on what they are doing and nothing else.   At my work which is a large computer company we even work to snsure that coders and developers have time to move into "flow" state and work uninterrupted.    It's the place you go when you're getting something done that you don't even have to think about.

I've noticed that my ocpd wife can't handle that space.   She doesn't want or like anyone to move into a place where you just go.   Be it driving or cooking or reading.   It was a strange realization when I was on a mountain road and I thought about not knowing where I was but still getting to the destination.   My spouse couldn't have handled that.   In fact she interrupts that space for people around her I think to try and take back control.   

I think another big reason we aren't compatible is that I would like to almost live in that space continuously.  I like to read or code or write without even knowing the time or day.   When I load the dishwasher I want it on autopilot so I don't even have to think.   When I cook I just want things to move and cook without thinking.   If a mistake is made I'll correct it.

I don't expect her to be 100 percent living like that but I've noticed she can't handle it at all and it does "bust" me out of a place when I'm totally zoned on a problem and demand that I answer a question about a misplaced fork or something.   It's weird.  It's like she doesn't want people around her to focus, only to jump from one crissi to another.

Weird thought I had today.  I don't know if it's true or not but it definitely fits some of my frustration.

[SonofThunder]

Jsinjin,

This is interesting to ponder from a psychological/science perspective.  It seems you two, regarding your observation, are polar opposites.  From a relational perspective, i believe i understand the control aspect, as your opposite trait, if you comply in caretaking to the coercion, satisfies or reduces some of her mental incapabilities. 

I sometimes wonder whether upcoming novel drugs, such as those derived from cannabinoids as the research continues to escalate with growing legality, could help someone like your wife 'zone-out' mildly.  I understand that some people use the drug currently, in order to get in that 'flow' state for creative productivity, whether it be coding, design, art or other. 

Although i do recognize also, that this polar opposite causes extreme issues in your relationship and I wish you and your kids peace in your lives. 

SoT

[square]

My take was that it's another boundary violation. She barges in on your flow state and insists that you participate in her obstructive state.

She is of course free to obsess over whatever she wishes, and free to hold and apply whatever value system she has to her concerns. But she is forcing all others to participate in her state of obstruction and that is an extreme overstep of boundaries.

[Poison Ivy]

I think of a "flow" state as almost opposite of the workings of a brain with OCPD. I wonder whether your wife is envious of people who can get into the flow.

[square]

I doubt it. I see her as feeling flow as wrong and not desiring it. The interruption of flow feels safer to her - even to the piint of missing flights.

[Poison Ivy]

I think that people with certain kinds of mental illnesses can recognize when other people are doing things with their brains that they can't do. So I think it's possible that jsinjin's wife might know, if only subconsciously, that people in the flow are better off than they she is, although she is terrified of going there.

[SonofThunder]

I think that people with certain kinds of mental illnesses can recognize when other people are doing things with their brains that they can't do. So I think it's possible that jsinjin's wife might know, if only subconsciously, that people in the flow are better off than they she is, although she is terrified of going there.

I can also agree with the high-radar perception of PD's.  Neither of the PD people in my life can relax or flow-focus.  They need to always be busy doing and changing. If any activity becomes prolonged, they either become discouraged or quit. 

Imo, there is a void in the mindset of 'self' for a PD and 'flow' abandons the PD into a focus-zone that is uncomfortable because of the inability to handle self.   

SoT

[square]

I don't know if it's a supply thing. But certainly she is inappropriately imposing her values and methods on others, and to a disturbing extent.

She is forcing others to act as if they have the same mental illness she does.

[Poison Ivy]

It's hard for me and many other people here to read about this behavior that is causing great pain to you and your family, jsinjin. I hope you are considering doing what is within your control to protect you and your children: that is, living apart from your wife.  You and we can speculate about why your wife does what she does, but understanding it will not change the behavior.