My first post here

[Jezebel333]

After too many years as the family scapegoat, targeted and defined by my personality disordered mother and enforced by my siblings, I cut all ties with all but my mother. I allowed myself to keep that connection going in the hopes, someday, she might apologize. How naive I am at 64, better late than never though. Bearing the burdens of my personality disordered mother who often shot down anything I achieved, blamed me for her poor mistakes, and subjecting myself and my siblings to brutal physical and psychological abuse, so damaging I often don't even know how I feel or what my purpose is in life, I surrendered and cut her off finally. It seems harsh of me to do so, she is 93 and in a nursing home now, still blaming me for her problems and encouraging me to underachieve and be a doormat. Nope, it is far to exhausting being who she wants me to be, a mirror of her, a martyr excusing abuse and her victim and captive audience.  Although I am her victim, I just can no longer bear that label. I cannot be anyone's victim. I am too conscious now to sacrifice another minute of my life.
Truly, I feel like I am in the dessert, with no food, water or another person who might have a clue as to the epic battle for my self,  to be who I need to be. Whomever I choose.
It has been hard these past ten years to have no holidays with siblings, no invitations to events, having to find ways to feel I belong anywhere. With all that in mind, I would not change a thing. Am working now on the tools in the toolbox, reinventing who I could and wish to be and regardless of what anyone on earth thinks of me, my life is my choice now, my canvas to paint, my mess to make and fix, but no one elses. Am mostly looking here for other souls who can relate to my experiences and mostly, a place I and you , get to share our pain and our solutions to our common CPTSD that haunt me and maybe you without judgement.

[moglow]

Hey Jezebel, and welcome! It's "funny" isn't it, the assertion that they [our mothers] push the victim poor poor me mentality, all the while running all over the very ones they blame for all that goes wrong in their minds. Complete disconnect from any form of reality or responsibility for themselves and their lives, while insisting WE are somehow supposed to make it all better for them.

I remember years ago visiting my grandmother in the nursing home, seeing the elders there with no home and no visitors. I didn't understand why their families never came around - I think I get it now. I don't doubt but that, like mine, plenty of that is a front and there's a whole other side I can only now imagine. People with their "but that's your MOTHER!!! How can you DO that to her??" Never mind that you/we're not doing it "to" anyone, but can't provide the care she needs or lay ourselves down as a martyr to the cause any longer. Those people have no clue that there's a whole other world outside the mothering they experienced, that far from this being "payback" we truly reached a saturation point.

Mommie dearest isn't in nursing care but maybe should be. She most assuredly didn't improve with age - no softening or remorse, no appreciation for her children as her only remaining family much less fellow human beings. Everything and anything she sees centers around her and her wants and opinions only. Truly, nothing else matters yet she'll accuse us of not caring. Hello pot/kettle!

No judgment here. Again, welcome.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have been waiting decades for my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister to change her abusive behaviour. I now realise that she never will. She has no insight into her own behaviour. She is emotionally blind to other peoples' feelings.  She just can't do it.

I have to radically accept the situation for what it is. Thinking that she may change has just caused me so much stress. I used to have hope that she would change, if only I would do this or that differently. In some weird way I felt responsible for her behaviour.

Observe, don't absorb.

If it hurts it isn't love.

Some people will never become the people we expect them to be.

Let them be. Let them go.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.