Trigger warning. He took his life.

[Alice.]

I'm sorry if this is long, alot to say. 3 days ago my bf took his life or ex boyfriend, we broke up the night before.

Abit of a background, we had known each other for about 19 years, we got together officially about 5 or 6 years ago, I loved him more than I loved anyone and he loved me, I had never felt this type of love, crazy kind. he took on my son and loved him as his own. He had a history of mental health issues, anxiety, depression and bpd and previous suicide attempts, the first being when his first love left him . I knew this from the beginning and I accepted it.

The relationship was a passionate and I admit it was very unstable and unhealthy times , it was very on and off almost on a weekly basis, due to me ending it as I couldn't handle alot of things, mainly how the relationship was, he had no trust in me whatsoever and I felt like he purposely cause problems and he felt like I just broke up with him all the time, which is true, I believe he was like that due to his bpd and fear of abandonment and I grew impatient and frustrated with him. Anyway, during the years alot changed, he started with benzo abuse after his nan passed, it was hard on him. He had alot guilt he struggled with. The fact that he was suicidal was no secret to me or his family and close friends. He always said it and said it felt like it was his destiny and he thought about it every day.

There had been alot of arguments between us and some horrible things said leading up to his death. He told me he was going to do it... he told me that everytime we broke up, I'm not saying I didn't take it seriously, but this was a pattern, we would have arguments , he would threaten to do that, the next day or a few days or even sometimes hours, we would talk and try to give things another go. This time was different. I broke up with him on Sunday night, I said I can't live like this and it causing me stress and making me ill , I was stick of drama, sick of being angry and frustrated I just want a peaceful life where I can get up and go to work without being accused of anything, i felt like my life had been on hold for years, we couldn't move forward because things wouldn't change and I couldn't life like that anymore, I didn't want my son in this even though I knew he loved my son so much, my son never saw any bad traits ever, he was amazing with him and would have done anything for him. I said I felt the relationship was emotionally abusive and controlling. I regret saying that as he was mentally ill and scared of losing me and my son and that's why it was like that. Did I want to live like that... no.. would I live like that to have him here .. yes.

He called me at 6.45 the following morning, he asked if we could give it another go, I said no, he said OK, I love you, I said I love you. I tried calling him back later, he didn't answer, at first I didn't think anything cos when something like this happens he drinks and takes prescription medication and passes out. I few hours pass and on my break. I go down and knock on his door.. no answer. I go back to work, when I finish, I go back to his house where he's staying with his parents. The ambulance is there. I run in to find his mom in the garden, I said has he gone she said yes, I said is there any chance, she said no. I went to sit with him for a couple of minutes kissed his hand and said I'm so sorry.

I told his mom and dad I was sorry. They said its not my fault! How can it not be? I feel he did it because I left and he thought I didn't care, which I can't blame him as the days before I was so tired so fed up and so dismissive and fed up with the drama or did he do it so I could be happy. He knew the relationship wasn't making me happy, he knew he couldn't do the things I wanted or needed. Then I think if I never started this relationship would he still be here, what if I called him back sooner, what if I didn't say the things I said. He always said, if he doesn't have me he doesn't have anything and suicide would be the next best thing. He had said before in arguments when he had said he was going to do it that it would be my fault. He said he will be free of him soon and I will be happy, I said that wouldn't make me happy, I said I would be happy knowing he's out there and happy, he said he didn't want to be happy if it wasn't with me and my son and there was nothing else he wanted to do in his life.

I have so much regret I wish I'd not said the things I said. I wish I didn't leave. I wish he wasn't dead. I wish I could turn back to clocks and never start this whole relationship so he would be happy with someone else.

[xredshoesx]

Alice, I'm so so sorry.

There is nothing you could have done differently to make him take a different path.  This is not your fault.  You didn't cause him to have the feelings that led to his decisions, nor could you cure him of the BPD that may have caused him to take his own life.

I'm looking for additional resources we can network you with that may be able to give more grief support for you and your son, and we are here for you when you are ready to talk more about the relationship part.

Holding space for you in my heart today. 

[NarcKiddo]

That is so very sad and my heart aches for you, your son, his parents and all those who knew and loved him.

This is not your fault

Hugs.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Alice,

First off, a warm welcome to you here at Out of the FOG.  This is a good place with compassionate and kind people.  You will find refuge here. 

Second, my deep condolences to you and his family on suffering the loss of your boyfriend/their son.  How gut-wrenchingly difficult for everyone.  My thoughts and prayers for you, your child and his family on the loss of a loved one. 

There are surely some here who have lost a PD partner, friend or family member to suicide.  I am not one who has gone through that experience.  Having lived with an undiagnosed PD wife (uPDw) (see acronyms in resources tab above) for multiple decades, and grown up with a uPD father (uPDf), I can surely state that you are not responsible for the actions/reactions of another adult human being, but only your own actions/reactions.  Especially the unpredictable and self-satisfying actions/reactions of an adult with a personality disorder.

You wrote:  "They said its not my fault! How can it not be? I feel he did it because I left and he thought I didn't care, which I can't blame him as the days before I was so tired so fed up and so dismissive and fed up with the drama or did he do it so I could be happy."

I agree with his parents, who in their immense grief, were very gracious in stating the truth. They obviously know their son well.  What you did do, was rightly protect yourself and your child by enacting a boundary.  Boundaries are our own actions & reactions we put in place to protect ourselves and also for those whom we may be responsible in assisting/protecting (adolescent, handicapped, frail elderly, animals).  Your adult partner is not in that list. 

The decision you made to protect yourself and your child was correct.  His decision to end his own life was 100% his own.  Sad? 100%.  Your fault? Zero. In fact (and I run the chance of coming across insensitive), I believe acts of suicide/attempted suicide are extremely selfish acts at their core.  Healthy self-care does not take/attempt to take/fake-attempt to take ones own life, but self-seeks help from qualified professionals in all areas of life (mental, physical, relational, financial). 

You will read here that threats of self-harm, non-lethal acts of self harm and lethal acts of self harm are part of the description of BPD (male or female).  My uNPDf has become so depressed, he verbally stated he would prefer life to be over, but he never did threaten to do or do any acts of self-harm.  I have an acquaintance whose diagnosed BPD wife self-harmed twice, in an attempt to keep her husband from leaving, gain compassion from others, try to convince others that her husband was the problem, and also exert controlling guilt on him.   

I am so sorry you have experienced this and I wish comfort upon you as you deal with the sudden loss.  I will repeat in closing, that you are NOT responsible for the decisions, actions or reactions of another adult human being.  Only yourself.

Last, I recommend you spend some quality time in all areas of the toolbox tab above, reading over the many subjects located there and applying them to your own life, these recent experiences and also the experiences past. 

I see that while i was typing this reply, that xredshoesx posted and is going to provide some wonderful resources for you. I recommend you follow xred's advice.

SoT

[guitarman]

So sorry to hear about your sad news. Thank you so much for sharing.

Many of us have had to cope with suicide threats for many years from our loved ones. It's so difficult to cope with. I know from experience how that is. It can become unbearable. It can impact your own mental and physical health.

It sounds like your partner had serious mental health issues for many years long before you met him. He needed regular on going professional mental health support by experts.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister who has threatened suicide for decades. I care about her but I can no longer cope with her behaviour. I have done all that I can to help her. I am loving and kind towards her but I have to be loving and kind towards myself as well.

I have decided to go no contact with her and have not had any contact with her for over two years. She needs professional help and I am not a mental health professional. I realise that I cannot change her. I can only change and control my own behaviour.

Living with someone in your life who is regularly suicidal is the most difficult behaviour to cope with. You do everything to help them but it is never enough. Only they can change themselves, with the right support from professionals.

You may like to look at the website of the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. She has some resources that may help bring comfort to you in the time ahead.

www.tarabrach.com

You've done everything you could. We know how that is here.

X

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a shock for all of you.

I think you made the right decision to live your life without the stress and chaos a bf like this was bringing. You were protecting you and your son and it's the right choice. You lived with this drama for years and you were smart enough to finally say...enough is enough. It's not your fault. If it wasn't you, it would have been another person in his life that he could run from and blame. You said it was no secret that he was suicidal. Anything could have caused him to take his own life, not just you.

My dad committed suicide when I was 19. Looking back, it was almost like it was his destiny. He was done living and took matters into his own hands. Mental illness is no joke and it changes a person. Please don't blame yourself. You wrote that he had previous suicide attempts. Again, you were looking out for you and your son. Your ex-bf made this choice when he could have tried to get over you, get counseling or gone into rehab.

It's not you, it's all him. Sadly, this is was his decision for how to handle the troubles in his life.

As for the regret you're feeling, I think that's normal and common. I felt a lot of that too. What if I would have tried to get him help? What if I said the right thing to make him realize he didn't need to make this permanent choice? When in reality, I had no say in the matter.

Please take care and be gentle with yourself.

[square]

It wasn't your fault.

I'm very sorry, this is a hard thing to bear. My bpd best friend took her life 24 years ago. Like with your bf, she had made numerous threats and attempts. Like with your bf, I think she felt it was inevitable she would complete it.

In these many years, it's healed over so it's not so raw, but the scar will never go away.

My heart goes out to everyone who has felt no other option, and those they leave behind.

[Starboard Song]

They said its not my fault! How can it not be? I feel he did it because I left and he thought I didn't care, which I can't blame him as the days before I was so tired so fed up and so dismissive and fed up with the drama or did he do it so I could be happy. He knew the relationship wasn't making me happy, he knew he couldn't do the things I wanted or needed. Then I think if I never started this relationship would he still be here, what if I called him back sooner, what if I didn't say the things I said.

I wish I'd not said the things I said. I wish I didn't leave. I wish he wasn't dead. I wish I could turn back to clocks and never start this whole relationship so he would be happy with someone else.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so so sorry for your loss and grief.

Turning back clocks is something we all wish for. In your post, you cut through the feasible options there, and chose exactly the right time to go back to: all the way to before the relationship, and to never start it. That one makes a lot of sense. It is the one that gets you totally out of his life, and doesn't saddle you with drama that was preventing you and your child from thriving.

So think about this one moment you picked, to go back to. Is it morally wrong to love someone and start a relationship? Were you acting malevolently, or foolishly? Were you evil, when you chose to start this relationship? Of course not. You were acting on love and passion and generosity.

So while we all want to turn back some clocks, you asked us "how can it not be" your fault? Every day an innocent person does an innocent thing in an innocent way and it leads to something awful. One person is slow getting out of their parking space, holding up a car waiting for them. Ten minutes later that places that other person in the path of a fatal accident. We can't go chasing down guilt this way.

You. Are. Innocent.

I promise you this is not your fault. Fault is blameworthy. It is guilt. It is culpability. You are none of those things, and proposing a clock-back-turning that might have changed the outcome doesn't make you these things.

And those clocks: we cannot predict them. You may have saved his life for the last 5 years. In those years he -- or his lesson on others -- may have positively influenced others in countless ways. When we start wishing to turn back clocks, we are always doing more than that. We are also pretending we can change one thing and not another. Take it easy on yourself and don't go there.

I feel your pain. I wish. I wish. I wish. I do too. I have things I wish I'd done differently, and I too think maybe I could have changed some things. But we simply mustn't allow ourselves the hubris to convert regrets like that into blame, guilt, and culpability.

Be good. Be strong.

[Alice.]

How do I reply to people

[Starboard Song]

How do I reply to people

Two ways.

REPLY button
You can use the REPLY button at the bottom of the last comment to start a message in a popup message box. At the beginning of the message, many members just type, "Starboard, thanks for that..." When you are done typing, press the POST button.

QUOTE button
If there is a comment way up in the post and you want to draw attention to it, look in the upper-right corner of that post, and choose the QUOTE button. This will also start a message, and it will repeat what they typed at the beginning of your message, with extra formatting language and symbols around it, so it appears in a box in your post. That's how I responded here, so that it was clear I was responding to your question.

You add your response below that quotation in the message box before pressing the POST button.

When quoting a very long post, people often (1) use the QUOTE button, and then (2) delete everything inside that quote but the line they want to talk about.

[Alice.]

I knew he had his issues in the past but he seemed to be getting better. I feel like I was the start of his down fall, I feel like things got worse when our relationship started and just got worse and worse and got worse, I wasn't a very nice person in the end .

[Starboard Song]

We all respond to the stresses of life, and it makes us feel like better and worse people as we go along. Great stress increases the amplitude of these waves, and you were under great stress indeed.

We don't and cannot possibly know everything you said and did. But we do know that he clearly suffered from his own demons. He clearly used self-harm as a threat and a blackmail. His own parents argue that you are not to blame.

You are going to need two things, and I commend both to you.

You need someone in real life to talk to. We are hear, and we understand the challenges of PDs. But you deserve a trusted confidant, whether a friend or religious leader, a counselor or therapist. At least that trusted friend, so you have an ear right there who knows you and to whom you can confide all. Please be ever so kind to yourself.

You need time. Buckle up. It isn't even appropriate for us to try to persuade you about questions of fault and what ifs, really. This is going to take some time to work through. Expect that right now. Know that it won't be by Monday morning, or by August, that you've figured things out. Please be ever so patient with yourself.

And please do consider this exercise. I do this out loud, alone. Imagine there is a friend with you, come in distress. Pour them and yourself a drink (I have literally poured two drinks for this exercise). Ask them why they are upset. Now play their part: helping them tell you the story, as if it was their story and not yours. Ask them what they need. Play their part again, asking out loud your questions about feelings of guilt, or regret, and ask out loud -- as this imaginary friend -- what you think.

I swear it may make you feel like a nutter. But then, tell this friend what you'd say to anyone other than yourself after being confronted with this story. Maybe I am the only person in the world who does this. I've actually never admitted it here before. But for me it works every time.