Sharing versus Oversharing in Intimate Relationships

[bee well]

There is a prevelant belief that we must share all aspects of ourselves with our significant others in order to attain true intimacy. That has been my perception for nearly as long as I can remember.

Since I began to work on trauma I have been able to share parts of myself – history, feelings, preferences, etc.—
with my partner that I had been afraid to talk about for years. I feel closer to him than ever.

Yet there are traumas, I am still afraid, or perhaps not ready to talk about. I don't think it's because he would love me any less, but I think it would be painful for him if he knew all of it. I also think it would be destabilizing for me at this time.

While thinking about this, I have come to the following conclusions:

1)   I want to protect him, or at least respect his boundaries. I don't think it's fair to overload him when he has things of his own that he is working on.

2)   Maybe it's not necessary  to share all if it, ever. He knows the nature of my traumas. I have told him I might ever not be able to talk about all of it.

3)   It's important to understand the space between us. We can love each other and still have events in our past that are not discussed.

I have some discomfort, guilt, and a bit of sadness surrounding this issue.

Which brings me back to the opening statement. Perhaps its the sharing "all" that is the problem.

I know what I am working on is part of learning to navigate boundaries, and melting down the shame.

I wonder, are there any of you who have worked on similar issues while facing trauma, and/or have thoughts about this? Any reflections the line between sharing versus oversharing?

[NarcKiddo]

I have probably shared too little with my husband, but even so I disagree with the belief that we must share everything to attain true intimacy.

I agree with all of your conclusions. In respect of conclusion number 1 I would add that he is your partner, not your therapist. Working through this stuff is hard enough with a therapist (I am in the throes) but at least the therapist is a) trained to deal with this and b) is not emotionally involved with you. Even if a partner wants you to share everything, I think it is probably wise to be careful.

My husband accepts that there are parts of my life I have not discussed with him and may never discuss. He does not ask questions even if I bring up a subject I don't usually. That's not to say he won't listen or try to help but I have to be explicitly clear that I want to talk about some things before he will engage with me. And actually, that is just as well. He is a "fixer" and cannot deal well with situations where one might just want to talk about an issue without having the problem "solved".

[bee well]

Hi NarcKiddo,

Thanks for your reply. It really helps to hear your experience in a similar situation.

I'm glad you made that point about number 1. It's extremely important to remember that our partners are not our therapists. In addition to their not being trained (unless they happen to be therapists themselves) it's overwhelming for anyone to have a constant wind of trauma blowing in their face. Also the blurring of significant other and therapist roles feels like a strange enmeshment to me (for lack of a better word).

Oh my, "the fixer!" That's my DH to a tee. I'm learning that when I bring things up I need to be prepared that he will try to fix it. Lately I have been trying to ask him to listen without fixing. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. That's ok. It takes time to develop communication skills and people are not always prepared to meet our needs.

[Hattie]

Trust your gut. There might be a future time when you want to share more, but you don't have to now if you don't want to

[treesgrowslowly]

Trust your gut. There might be a future time when you want to share more, but you don't have to now if you don't want to

Hattie nailed it. I agree with the other posts as well. You made really good points Beewell about the nature of sharing with our SO.

Pete Walker's book Surviving to Thriving talks a lot about sharing with a safe other, in detail. I also believe that it can be hard for people to hear about violence / abuse that we experienced. I don't think it is wrong to reflect on what and when to share different details / specifics about our past. I definitely have events that I don't think I need to share with people besides a therapist and I can still get the support I need, without sharing details about specific events. But we are each unique. I am glad you felt close and safe after sharing with your partner, and I think this is one of those things that does get easier to discern over time. I suspect that every time we survivor's are able to share something about our past, that we have felt or still feel shame about, and the listener hears us and comforts us, and reassures us, it strengthens our ability to keep going and heal. So I do see that as part of how my healing has been impacted.

I think that with a loved one who is here to support us, sharing about how we felt at a certain point in our lives might give them insight into our current struggles - and we can do that without having to narrate the story or the incident / event as it occurred. For example, one might tell their partner "one of the things I'm working on is how I think I often felt excluded when I was a kid. Like when you don't get invited to the birthday party but your other friends did". We can give an example that isn't the actual event we experienced, because they can understand the feeling that we had as a little kid / young adult, without being told the whole story.

My SO knows that I grew up having to do things all by myself. He doesn't know all of the specific times where that was repeated, and it was a huge theme throughout my childhood, but he knows that it happened a lot, and it has helped him to understand me better.

I just want to say:

It is ok to "overshare" with our SO when healing because if the person understands that healing is a process, they will know that we won't always 'get it right' every time. Unlike our abusers, they will be able to forgive us for not getting it 'perfect' - sharing too much or too little or whatever.

On our way to knowing ourselves better, there is a lot we are practicing, especially if we are healing from relational traumas (which I think a lot of us here are).

There is a feeling of shame when we think "I over did it there". It can be over-sharing, over-spending, over-stretching in a yoga class. The work of healing requires a lot of patience so that we release ourselves from the shame of perfectionism (the belief - often held by narcs- that we are not allowed to mess up).

I love how you put it Beewell "melting down the shame". Isn't that the truth. It is not something that goes away quickly, it does seem like something that melts over time.

I found an article on shame that I think really describes some of the things I'm working on as well. I'm going to post over in the other media area. It is about the relational nature of shame, and the relational nature of healing from shame.

Trees

[bee well]

Thank you Hattie, for reminding me to trust my gut! My gut is telling me that it's ok to go slow. Sometimes I shame myself for not being able to share all of it now, even though I know that's nonsense.

Thank you as well, Trees, for sharing your healing experiences, and insight.

I've also been working with Surviving to Thriving. I keep going back to it. Each time I read it something new stands out.

Last night I decided to stop shaming myself for reading the book so much, when I could be meditating (or trying to medidate) or doing something else (yes, I have shamed myself for that, ugh.) It's helping me and I have a right to do what I need to heal.

Walker talks about co-counseling (not sure where don't have it in front of me) and if I remember correctly he and his wife helped heal each other. It's key to distinguish the "co-counseling" vs. partner as therapist, which is not healthy for many of us.
As I have mentioned we've done some healing in my home but we are  still definining that space of mutual sharing.

You talk about focussing on sharing feelings rather than singular events. I really like that.

Lately I have been processing some new stuff that came to the surface and DH sees and asks "Everything OK?" Alot of time I will just say "Yes, all ok," even when I am really overwhelmed. Part of it is shame and part of it is not wanting to break the dam over and over again.

So the idea of just saying "Just feeling X, all ok" or when we need more help "Feeiing X, can we talk about it?" or "X would really help" might be a better way of sharing (and practice asking for help).

Trees, I am really sorry that you were left to do (and likely learned to do) things by yourself, and I am sorry about the exclusion.
It's so important that you are able to talk to your SO so that he can understand you better.

I don't know precisely what all of that felt like for you but in my experience it was one of the most devastating parts of the abuse. It can feel achingly lonely to see other families and wonder why the one we are in is not like theirs. Or to look ar our parents and think "why won't you see me?" We think there must be something wrong with us.

It's hard to admit our families were like that.  I think one of the one of the hardest things about it for many of us is that we don't want pity, although in many cases our families' behaviour clearly reduced us to a pitiful state.

This is complicated by the imposition of the idea that if we complain about being left alone or asking for help, we are led to believe we are at fault (for inconveniencing our abusers). This is a horrible form of gaslighting. Its so angering to realize what they did to us.

A lot of people don't get that and it can be very shame inducing just to risk telling someone so you can find out if they are safe. This is especially true in the social media age where so many people are distracting themselves/shame deflecting by manufacturing joy (I'm all in for sharing joy but not for the obligation to do so.)

You wrote:

"It is ok to "overshare" with our SO when healing because if the person understands that healing is a process, they will know that we won't always 'get it right' every time. Unlike our abusers, they will be able to forgive us for not getting it 'perfect' - sharing too much or too little or whatever...There is a feeling of shame when we think "I over did it there". It can be over-sharing, over-spending, over-stretching in a yoga class. The work of healing requires a lot of patience so that we release ourselves from the shame of perfectionism (the belief - often held by narcs- that we are not allowed to mess up)."

I know that feeling. What you wrote is a reminder to relax. It's not the end of the world when we over or under do something. We can try again.

(On a related note, some of the things that came into my as I have been writing is the idea of of "good enough" sharing, and "good enough" healing.)

I'm going over to comment on the article now.

[pianissimo]

Sometimes I shame myself for not being able to share all of it now

I feel shame around "having to keep secrets", to the point I have a fight response. In that state, it can be hard for me to see that I feel like keeping the information to myself not because it's a shameful secret, but it just doesn't feel right to disclose it. To my triggered mindset the need for being cautious about disclosing information feels like the times I had to keep secrets to be safe. So, my mindset goes like "No, not this time, we are telling everything!".  Having this is quite confusing actually, because, the opposite happens too. Sometimes, the situation requires me to speak up, and something in me wants me to fawn and not say anything.

I guess I would watch out for these aspects of sharing.

[bee well]

Hi pianissimo,

Thank you for sharing, and reminding us that it's a good idea to look out for the different responses. It is interesting how it isn't always the same. I wonder why? A question to be aware of in the future, especially the keeping secrets aspect.

[Stillirise]

Thank you for this thread.  I have begun dating again, after living through 20 years with updxh.  I feel like I'm coping pretty well, all things considered, along with a large amount of help from this site.  However, this is one area that I still have uncertainty about.  I definitely try not to overshare when just meeting someone. However, after a bit, I start to feel torn between oversharing, and withholding to the point that I seem secretive or dishonest. I'll be referring back to this thread as needed, to re-read your excellent points. Thanks!

[bee well]

Hi StillRise,

Pleased to meet you, thanks for joining the conversation.

Living through 20 years of updxh--I know you are glad to be out!

Recently I was thinking about something Ramani said in one of her videos. I think she was talking about "dating again," but it applies to life in general. She cautioned about giving people our "psycological passwords." At the risk of sounding overly cautious, I have to say I agree with her. It reminds me to be mindful about sharing. Is it a one way street? Sometimes Ns will store up information, lovebomb, and then later use it against us. On the other hand, "fawn types" may be shy or are just used to passive listening,...

[Stillirise]

Recently I was thinking about something Ramani said in one of her videos. I think she was talking about "dating again," but it applies to life in general. She cautioned about giving people our "psycological passwords." At the risk of sounding overly cautious, I have to say I agree with her. It reminds me to be mindful about sharing. Is it a one way street? Sometimes Ns will store up information, lovebomb, and then later use it against us. On the other hand, "fawn types" may be shy or are just used to passive listening,...

Thank you for that!!  My X was the king of collecting tidbits of information to trot out at an opportune time, even years later.  Now, I'm overly cautious about sharing vulnerabilities, in particular.  At times, I feel like I'm not presenting my authentic self, but I suppose that is really who I am now—Someone who is highly cautious about being vulnerable, or exposing too much of my inner thoughts. I need to remind myself that's ok, too.

[bee well]

Hi Stillirise (I love your nickname!),

I'm glad you brought this up: " Now, I'm overly cautious about sharing vulnerabilities, in particular.  At times, I feel like I'm not presenting my authentic self, but I suppose that is really who I am now—Someone who is highly cautious about being vulnerable, or exposing too much of my inner thoughts. I need to remind myself that's ok, too."

I can relate to where you are coming from. And it is ok.

It isn't possible to make new friends without taking risks but at this stage I have realized that if someone doesn't want to take time when getting to know someone then perhaps they aren't the best choice of a friend. For me comes down to wanting to be liked, or sometimes wanting to fill an uncomfortable space. I'm learning it's okay if everyone doesn't like me or what I say, and also learning to tolerate the uncomfortable feeling that can come with that.

[1footouttadefog]

I think it's healthy to remember that PD people often demand or encourage enmeshment from those around them. 

In reality most normal folks don't want an enmeshment level of interaction.  And they don't demand it.  However earlier relationships might have taught us to feel shame, or guilt for not divulding every thing about ourselves.  It might be good to consider where this shame for not sharing might have originated.

[Starboard Song]

My wife and I walk about 4 miles a day: that's 9 hours of walking every week. So we talk a lot. We seemingly share everything. But not really.

There are a few things I don't share. They aren't deceptive secrets. They are just My Stuff, and my job to work on or through or whatever. Or they are in the past and I want them to stay there. I know she does the same.

There was once a story on NPR about a call for a "National Conversation on [whatever topic]." The guy on NPR was saying that you know, we don't always need a national conversation on even some important issues. He observed that in a marriage, sometimes we need less heart-baring openness and a little more no-honey-I-thought-you-were-perfectly-funny-at-the-party-last-night-and-I-think-everyone-at-the-party-would-say-the-same.

Intimacy comes not only from sharing a great deal, but from trusting each other to withold a few right things.

[bee well]

Hi Starboard Song,

Thanks for this: "in a marriage, sometimes we need less heart-baring openness and a little more no-honey-I-thought-you-were-perfectly-funny-at-the-party-last-night-and-I-think-everyone-at-the-party-would-say-the-same.

Intimacy comes not only from sharing a great deal, but from trusting each other to withold a few right things."

That's a really good way of seeing it. I agree!