Stopping upcoming lonliness

[Associate of Daniel]

What triggers loneliness?  And how do you stop the creeping in of another phase of it?

I'm not looking for practical advice such as join a club, have coffee with friends etc.  One can be lonely doing those things.

I mean, can one stop it from manifesting in the first place?

I'm feeling another phase of it coming on and I'm not sure of what to do about it, or why it's hovering in the first place.

AOD

[Breadroll]

Hi AOD, that's something i think we all experience- and it's often worse when physically with the PD. A thread on here some time ago about loneliness was very helpful - pointed out that the feeling is about making a connection and being understood.  In a way, writing here and reading can be helpful - as this is one place where people truly understand the upside down world of being with a pd.   Several of the other posters- hhaw for example - have some great threads that might help.  Be super kind to yourself. You are not alone - the feeling will pass - and you will reconnect with yourself and others. Here's to you- a virtual cuppa and chat- and being understood.

[moglow]

AOD, I think this is more common than we realize. I've realized I'm very much an introvert, not the extrovert I always thought I was. I like being around and enjoy people but on my terms. I get overwhelmed after "too much" and need alone time to replenish on a regular basis. If I don't get that time I break down and it can get ugly.

But the loneliness ... it's there underneath, more than it used to be. It's not that I don't have friends or opportunity but at my core I am lonely. I'm single, "terminally single" is how I phrase it. No long term relationship, I didn't have children. My friends for the most part are married or partnered, celebrating their families and grandchildren - and here I am. I feel like a third wheel even though I'm very much included, if that makes sense. Holidays and special occasions are hard for me, as is travel even as much as I actually enjoy being out on my own - no one to share the sights and sounds with.

I don't -or can't?- always stop it. I breathe through, I reach out when and as I can, and keep going. I read and sleep more, give in to the feeling while I work through it. Minimizing activity seems to help me more than forcing myself to participate. Talking with like minded souls definitely helps, the acceptance and encouragement from people who get it even if there's nothing to be done in the moment. I have friends who try to push and force me through and it just irritates the hell out of me!! So I take another step back until I find more stable ground.

I'm here with you.

[Boat Babe]

I hear you all. If I were to rewrite a famous song, it would start "Hello loneliness my old friend"  and if we continue with the old song metaphor, I sometimes feel like Eleanor Rigby. So yes AoD, you're not alone in your loneliness. (Thank dysfunctional, mentally ill parents).

Then again, the feeling passes and life gets busy again and I'm desperate to spend a couple of days at home with the dog to recharge.

I think the main thing is to not beat ourselves up and to be very kind to myself. For me, laughter is the best medicine and I watch a lot of comedy when I feel lonely (or generally sad). It helps.

[1footouttadefog]

One that ng I try to remember is that feelings are not facts.  I can acknowledge the feelings while present but to not have to adjust any facts I know about myself as a result of those feelings. 

Knowing that "feelings are facts" is a huge part of ODness makes this easier to be honesti try to focus on emotional pain by thinking of it as a stubbed toe.  It's pain indeed but I can endure it and it will subside with time.  It does not have to be defining.  I can simply notice it, apply self care and get to the other side.   

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

AOD - I feel like I am experiencing what you may be as well.

June 2021 Out of the FOG and February 2021 moved out of the house.  My life with my STBXUNPD narrowed throughout the years.  I let friendships leave, didn't have great relationships with my  mom/dad/brother, etc...  We've all been there.  It doesn't happen all at once, slowly...like a little drip of water and then BAM - you're like  what happened?  Oh yeah, I was totally manipulated, conned, lied to, blah, blah.....

I live with my 17 year old son and I am really focused on not using him to fill any of my empty spaces.  So far, I'm doing pretty good at it.   We have a functional balanced relationship.  I'm in my late 50's so developing new friendships is hard.  My one close friend is a narc herself - I think somehow our habits pull these people into our lives.  I am aware of her "personality" so it works, for now and we don't spend too much time together - probably because I'm not a good source of supply for her.  But, it leaves such a place in my heart for wanting more connections to people.  Most of the time, I'm okay and intellectually I  know that more people will come into my , but right now I feel the sadness.  My family is very small so I don't have those connections that a lot of people do, I get jealous sometimes.

I like doing things on my own and I like spending time alone - it's just sometimes it gets a little too much, I want to have more connections to go out to dinner, travel, or just hang out.  I don't want another romantic relationship right now.  Honestly, I don't have enough to give.  I want to be someone that has interests, activities, people in my life - all to add to a functional healthy relationship.  I have work to do on that now.  This past week I've really felt it.  I'd rather have these feelings then the isolated and all the horrific feelings I had with living with STBXUNPD.

At least, I've been able to let go of my shame and even self hatred that I stayed for so long - I know that getting Out of the FOG is really difficult and all his tactics were very successful.   I mean I LEFT - that is really amazing - I was so afraid and I did it!!!!!

I'm playing golf today with a group of women I met this summer, so I am looking forward to this. 

A step at a time.....

[Jolie40]

What triggers loneliness? 

for me, loneliness could be triggered by lack of a close girl friend
since childhood, I've had one friend at a time to chat/laugh with even though I'm an introvert

my next door neighbor/friend died in 2015
then I made friends with another neighbor but she moved out of state last year

so now I can't walk outside & chat/laugh with a friend
I do miss having a girl friend A LOT

don't know if I'll even find another girl friend to laugh with cause I have a rare personality & not many people "get me"