New here and dealing with end of long marriage

Whoops · July 19, 2022, 09:14:36 PM

I like the wide choice of emojis that come with this place. Many apply.
I am at the end of a 31 year marriage, that has been intermittently rough for much of that time. Stayed because I loved H, we shared a lot of common values. And later, we had a special needs child and he threatened if I split to make sure he had that child half the time and said he would then do whatever he wanted on treatment, i.e. not follow the child's treatment program because it wasn't fun and he didn't agree with it though it came from a super-competent specialist. Child became an adult a year ago so there are no custody issues any more. H and I had been talking for a year or so about separating but not done it, we both also talked about trying to live apart but still spend time together and be married. Then two weeks ago he told me he was involved with someone else and he is now off with that person, traveling and having a great time. This all as it is my birthday this week.

So, we had gone to SIX marriage counselors in those years. The last one, the best of them by local reputation, had pulled me aside after he stormed out of counseling to tell me H is highly narcissistic and would never change. He stormed out because she and I were trying to tell him that his insistence on doing the opposite of our child's treatment program was damaging to the child. Marriage therapist was saying I needed to "surrender, Dorothy." That was five years ago. I did not surrender, ie give up on the marriage, then. So I want to think a lot about that. I was wisely protecting my child until the last year-- so it is easy for me to give myself a break on not going before then, as I know better than anyone about how his frequent rages would hurt my child along with his undermining of my child's challenging health issues. I had struggled with whether to go for years and years and years. I would get sucked back in by his occasional very nice periods when his anger was less frequent. I also am a person who hates change and having grown up with divorced parents and multi-divorced parents, it was my goal to have a lifetime marriage. It is hard to forgive myself for not leaving H at the latest in the last year, though in that last year also my father was sick and died and I was taking care of 3 elderly parents.... yikes.

So getting others' insights on how years of being gaslighted, controlled by emotional threats and demeaning can slow you in going would be appreciated. Also I have all the classic confusion about reality, about whether I am right that his behavior is bad as he always tells me I am hard to live with too and overly sensitive because I grew up with a violent stepdad. Basically he convinced me that as long as he wasn't physically violent he was OK.

Second thing I am hoping for help on: I feel broken hearted about his 2 weeks ago leaving me for, predictably, a younger and more fit woman. Taking care of our child caused me to gain a lot of weight due to what our child's condition was, though I am not inactive or fat. But I am not some fit superwoman either, unlike his new choice. I feel really broken hearted, even though I wanted to leave this marriage for years. What gives with that? He isn't worth the pain I feel. He has also lied and gaslighted me in starting this new relationship, all the more reason to say, Adios. All insights appreciated. Why am I so distraught about the infidelity and lying of a man I badly needed to leave anyway?

notrightinthehead · July 19, 2022, 11:42:29 PM

Welcome! You have found a good place, full of information and support.
I too was married for a long time to a narcissistic man and am more than 4 years out of this marriage. I was replaced within a few months. He registered on various dating sites and once he had found someone, he asked me to leave because he wanted to live with his new partner in our house. I remember feeling grateful to that woman, because I knew that this finally gave me the will and strength to do what I had known for many years that I must do.
So here you are. At the moment you are in a state of shock. Denial. This is the time when it might be a good idea to focus on your basic needs. Shelter, food, your health. Read around the personality disorders tab next time you wonder if it was really him. Study the Toolbox and implement the strategies whenever you have to deal with him. Try to deal with him as little as possible. Try to stop hurting yourself by letting others hurt you. If that makes sense.
If you are anything like me you have a rocky path ahead of you- healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey and I am so glad you are joining us!
There is a lot of information out there- next time you wonder if it really was THAT bad, read "Why does he do that? " by Bancroft. You might work on yourself and find out what about you lets you stay in situations that are bad for you- Co-dependency, Caregiving, C-PTSD? Find out if there is a CoDA group nearby. Then there is a lot on YouTube, Dr Ramani is one of them. Just beware that you do not get stuck in pre-occupying yourself with the narcissist and all his antics. Entertaining as that might be, it keeps you stuck. The person you can work with is you. So focus on your own feelings, behaviour, conditioning. You can find the answers there. What kept you stuck, what is broken, what can be rescued, and what needs to grow new. There is nothing you can do about the past. It is important that you look at it and learn from it as much as you can, but healing is in the future and it starts now, if you let it.

Whoops · July 20, 2022, 01:24:46 AM

Thank you, thank you! All good ideas and it's so good to hear from someone down the timeline after a long marriage. I will read and think closely about what you have to say. Thank you for giving me a full response with so much to think on, and resources. I am in shock, even though at my core I know, as you felt, that any way out of my marriage with one's self intact is a good way out. Still hurts.

Associate of Daniel · July 20, 2022, 06:18:39 AM

Welcome, Whoops. Although I'm sorry to meet you under such difficult circumstances.

Not Right makes a good suggestion - for now, just concentrate on your immediate needs. Food, shelter, clothing, money, and your child. Try not to heal from everything at once.

I'm almost 10 years out. My uNPD exH left me the uNPD woman he'd maintained an (at least emotional) affair with throughout our nearly 12 year marriage.

I remember seeing a counsellor a couple of years after he left, about how to deal with my Ds's (now 15) uNPD smother. The counsellor asked me what I was doing about grieving/dealing with my marriage. I was shocked at her question. I'd been so focussed on dealing with the post marriage abuse that the marriage itself had faded into the background of my memory somewhere. It was just a small blip in the path of my life.

It's only in recent years that I'm starting to think about it more and process it. And I think that's a good thing. It's made it easier to see things from a more detached place. And in the meantime, life has sorted itself out. (Food, shelter etc.)

The brain has an incredible capacity to file things away until they are needed - including emotional stuff that needs to be worked on. Be gentle on yourself.

Regarding the other woman: You are you. She is she. You wouldn't want to be her. She stole your husband. You wouldn't want that reputation for yourself. You'd rather the reputation that you stuck around for the sake of your son, and your appearance is, yes, a result of that. But try to think of your appearance as a beautiful garment signifying the magnificent person that you are, for doing the magnificent thing that you did. Later, when things have settled down and you are feeling more in control, you can address your weight.

I put on a lot of weight during and especially after my marriage. It took until 9 years after uNPD exH left for me to finally do something about it. I simply wasn't in the right head space. I lost nearly 14 kgs last year. It's a new, better stage of my life.

Keep reading the information and posts on this site. I'm sure you'll find great encouragement and much wisdom for your journey.

AOD

Whoops · August 21, 2022, 02:07:03 AM

Thank you for the excellent support and info Associate! I am moving along slowly, as to be expected. Lots more to learn, lots more to figure out about why this marriage was.... a long one. Should have been a short one.

SonofThunder · August 21, 2022, 06:08:44 AM

Hello Whoops,

A warm welcome to you here at Out of the FOG. I will suggest to you, from my own experiences, that it is not only highly beneficial to learn the toolbox, understand and recognize PD traits and also your H's traits in comparison, but also (possibly even more beneficial to you going forward) to understand yourself and;

A: what attracted your H to your personality type/traits.

B: what kept you (and me) in a marriage with this type of person for multiple decades.

C: what potential dynamic from your pre-marital past, assisted you in your own personality type/traits.

Knowing all this about your H and you, will in my opinion and experience, help you wrap your head around (in full understanding) this long marital puzzle and piece it together nicely. It will also educate yourself about yourself, so you are hyper-aware to avoid a future repeat, avoid the ploys of potentially returning to a spouse who most likely cannot change and lastly, to potentially help you assist your adult children who grew up in your home, with the experiences of your home, your marriage, and your relationship to your H (their father?) being normalized for them.

I will therefore point you asap to read the potentially very helpful book by Fjelstad called 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist'. Be prepared for some very real "a-ha" moments, should you be (like me), the 'caretaker' type and your H a possible PD. I would recommend reading this book regardless of your marital status as this time.

See you around the boards,

SoT

Gwendolyn · September 09, 2022, 09:48:02 PM

Hello whoops and very glad you have found this forum. You have been through so much and it sure sounds like you have put your child first despite the personal toll. I'm absolutely no expert on much so take what makes sense and forgive me if I overstep.
My friends have watched and listened and supported me for years as I try to understand what the heck is 'wrong with my marriage'. I've been to marriage counseling too.

All to say, around 5 years ago after realizing he was never going to change, I started taking some online and in person courses through a university affiliated 'life long learning' program, started swimming again, called up friends to go for coffee and movies and museums, and generally distanced myself from trying to understand 'him' or 'us' any further. Of course I have to live with this low grade disappointment of a shallow marriage BUT I also am building up a cohort of interesting women who like to 'do stuff'. This has been huge for me. I save my ruminating for my great therapist and try to have activities and future focused discussions with my friends. Ie: trips, fitness, books to read, gardening, holidays and community events. I essentially needed to switch OFF from my relationship issues and discussions about my relationship.
My relationship just stalled but that doesn't mean I'm stalled!!!! Yesterday I visited a friend and we picked plums, tomorrow I'm going to a rural fair and Sunday I'm going to a brunch at a neighbors place and we will have fun and play music.

All of these activities and networks nourish me because I keep pushing myself to consider what my life would or could be like if I would or could 'do what I want' ...and I really REALLY try to keep building my network and try to keep him out of my head when he's not around.

Wish it was easier but I know I wasn't ready to upend my entire life without some new foundations built in a new world that he can't follow me into. Sounds so harsh when I write it this way..and my inner critic wants me to erase this post.
But I won't because I mean it. Keep building your new world with uncomplicated people.
I encourage you to be kind to yourself and share when it seems appropriate and also set down the worry and the wondering sometimes and have an interesting mini adventure, no matter how simple. A sandwich in a new park, a visit to a new library to review their adult Education programs this fall. When chaos is happening we might as well add some of our own variables into the mix. We will be dealing with the results in any case.

You are worth it and we are never too old to make a new goal, plan or dream.

I am so relieved for both of us that we can share our hope on this forum. Wishing you well.

Whoops · October 18, 2022, 01:44:14 AM

Thank you all! I had been slow after posting to come back to look at the forum. But the info and thoughts are so helpful.!

. I did really want to use some of the emojis. I didn't want to come back because , I think, I had been for many years on a forum for parents of children with eating disorders. It was an absolute lifesaver. I didn't want to acknowledge that I might need some serious peer help again. I do. I will post on the main forum, but want to thank you all for your responses and encouragement!