Defending My Daughter and Unkind to Myself

[rothjr3]

My daughter (who just turned 6) went to a day camp. Throughout the week she told me about some girls who would promise to play with her and then didn't. Or she said sometimes the girls would run away from her when she tried to join in the group. I told her to let them know you didn't like them running from you. She is learning about socializing and I take what she says with a grain of salt because she has told me before that someone was mean to her...come to find out she was "mean" because she didn't want to play what my daughter wanted to play.

On the last day of camp (on the Friday), I decided to stay and watch some of the interactions just to observe. A short while after the "free play" began, I couldn't find my daughter anywhere. Then, I found her hiding behind a tall gymnastic mat (she was at a ninja camp) and looking very sad. I walked over to her. She was surprised to see me because I had not stayed before. I asked her what was wrong. She said the two girls she wanted to play with told her she couldn't. I asked her to specifically tell me what they said. The two girls (who were building something behind my daughter) suddenly stopped to see me talking to my daughter. Our eyes met (and the teacher in me) said, "Are we being inclusive? Are we inviting others to play?I know she has asked to play with you. So, I hope you'll invite her to join." One of the girls motioned to my daughter to come while saying aloud, "You can come play with us." My daughter turned back to me and gave me a thumbs up and ran off to play.

I had a mixed reaction to what I had done. I don't know if it was appropriate of me to have intervened (I didn't see the counselors engaged and in tune to the 35 kids running around). Then, it made me sad to replay the image of her hiding behind the mat. I began to think about the times when I was excluded and bullied at school. I hid in the bathroom stalls. The idea of her to experience pain like me; it just was gut wrenching to think about. I began to feel guilty to be a mom that was so weak because still to this day, when others make me feel small, I retreat. She needs someone stronger than me to guide her. And if I can't protect her, then I have failed. And part of me would rather leave the picture now and allow my husband to marry someone with confidence who can instill it in her and my four-year-old son. I don't want her to be in therapy like me 20 years later because she had her feelings hurt and felt alone.

My therapist encouraged me to post this. She told me when she began to read what I described, she was proud of me and wanted me to see and wonder what it would have been like to have had a mother as in tune to me. She was proud of me.

How come I can't use "wise mind" and see what I did as anything to be proud of? Why do I go straight to beating myself up for not being good enough and a failure? I don't know how or why I go to where I go in my head. I just feel immense guilt and embarrassment for possibly not being who my kids need me to be.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Rothjr3! My heart goes out to you! Most mothers will have felt what you described,  I know I certainly did.  We all come short somehow, we know our flaws better than anybody else, and we are doing the best we can.  And you did! And your daughter went off happily and played with others. Every day you get up and overcome your self doubts and are there for your kids and yourself is a victory. I don't know where your feelings of not being good enough come from, but I read that you do not give in to them. And that matters. Well done!

[Sneezy]

You handled the situation beautifully - your daughter is lucky to have you there for her!  I think you taught all the girls involved a good lesson, without being heavy-handed.

My children are grown and I still doubt myself as a mother some days.  I don't think that feeling ever goes away.  The world is a complicated place - did I prepare my kids as best I could for what lies ahead?  Is kid1 too much of a perfectionist because I made too big a deal about grades?  Does kid2 have a weight problem because I drove through McDonalds too many times?  And on and on.

The mom-doubt won't ever fully go away, but please be gentle on yourself.  Focus on all the things that have gone well and give yourself some grace when you mess up (because we all do).  It sounds like you are doing just fine as a mom 

[xredshoesx]

you were the adult for your daughter that she needed as well as the adult that you needed for your child self.  you were able to calmly assess the situation and step in, in a non-threatening / non-combative way and find a way to gracefully handle what could have been a delicate situation.  kids don't know about inclusion unless it is modeled for them.  i hope your lesson in kindness and belonging stays with them and they are someday able to share it with others.

you've got this.  you're not going to be the parent to your DD that your mother was to you.  be gentle with yourself today.  it's hard work parenting someone else as you reparent yourself.