Strategies for Learning, Healing & Moving On?

[HadleyBird]

Hi all,

I know there are a lot of people here with lots of experience with the heartache & grief of a relationship ending. My ex was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, ADHD. She takes meds for BPD symptom management, is in weekly psychotherapy, and takes care of her body well. The only time I have seen her BPD symptoms manifest in a big way was recently when she had a stressful life event happen & then a few days later she ended the relationship.  I won't go into the whole story again - it's in a previous post.

I'd love to hear some of the things that have worked best for you as you have (healthily) pursued:
1. Learning from the unhealthy or sudden ending to your relationship
2. Healing & growing....
3. Moving on...

I am currently in weekly therapy, connecting with my family & friends, and TRYING to not focus too much on figuring out the why behind what the heck happened. ...also find myself slipping into blaming myself for what happened, even though I can logically think my way out of it. Emotions are hard, friends!

Thanks everyone!

[hhaw]

Hadley:

IME, there's a world of difference between Therapists, IME.  There are those who talk and quesion and make suggestions but who fail to  identify causes of trauma and calm a patient's Nervous System  so they may process that trauma OUT of their Limbic System and INTO historic files so they're no longer super imposed over the patient's entire world view....like a template they aren't aware of.  It's an old software program installed from birth over our hardrives/brains.  The good news is, our brains are capable of adapting and changing throughout our entire lives. 

Therapists, of all kinds, CAN help patients process their trauma by providing and creating safe space where the patient's Nerous System calms down ENOUGH to do the work, but I've never seen one (and I've seen MANY) who can help me do this UNTIL I found the Trauma Informed Therapist with Buddhist leanings. 

Buddhist leanings, bc my Therapist is doing her own work with her own therapist which makes it possible for her to keep her ego OUT of our relationship, which is more important than you might think, but true, IME.  My Therapist not only talks the talk, she walks the walk with regard to dropping all expectations and accepting what is, with regard to me and my general state in her office during our time together.  If she fails to gain my understanding, she emotionally steps back and tries another approach OR switches to something she knows will be helpful,but she gets me there and without frustration or banging both our heads on the wall trying to feel understood or gain my compliance, which in all honestly, I'd rather die than give when I'm really upset or stuck in survival brain and it's interesting to watch my T work around that so I become aware of my own inner workings without the T making HERSELF a part of that process....and it is huge, my friend.   

IF your making decisions that bring you suffering.....
IF you're confused about the cause of those choices......
IF you're blaming yourself or being unkind to yourself in any way......

I invite you to identify and find a good Trauma iNformed Therapist... and IME more than 50% of therapists do more harm than good.... be choosy, interview many, choose someone who makes sense to you and doesn't TELL you what to do....which I realize is what I'm sort of doing in this post, but I'm not a Therapist.   Ask questions..... see how you feel when you're with them. 

You can move through this suffering with economy of motion....
you can remain firmly mired in the suffering without identifying or processing ANY of the trauma bouncing around in your Limbic System.....the saying goes... "we are where we want to be."  We all get something out of the suffering and emotional turmoil when we've built our lives around it, IME.  Figuring out what it is, and if we want to keep it or trade it in for something new is a choice, IME.  Humans tend to go from one distraction to another, seeking to avoid discomfort and pain.  It's how we're built.  Once we;re aware of that, we have more choice and everything is more interesting once we create more choice in our lives.  It's a process.  Not quick.  Not easy, but worth the time and the first step is to become aware of our patterns...to learn to be mindful and notice what's going on in our internal world.

You can miove through this break up more slowly or quickly.  Turns out, it's up to you.

Learning to notice, identify and process trauma on your own, is ideal and the main reason for seeing a Therpist, IME.


Don't take this the wrong way, but I have a newfound understanding of the term "naval gazing."  It's what I used to do with Therpists who didn't understand biochemical hijacks, how to calm them down through attention in the body to engage the Parasympathetic Nervous System in order to integrate the brain and bring reason/logic/creative problem solving Frontal Cortex back on line to FINISH processing the trauma stuck in our Limbic SYstems during times of duress in our young lives that is NOW stuck there bouncing around, coloring evwrytihng we see  like a template placed over our vision without our knowledge or understanding.

Once I understood what was happening in my body, I immediately had more choice in my life.

Good luck