"I'm a pretty good Dad are'nt I?"

p123 · July 25, 2022, 04:59:53 AM

Got to be fair shocked me a bit when he said that.....
Nearly fell off my chair.....

Weird thing to say anyway. I think perhaps he sort of knows what a nightmare he is?

Thinking back over the years to the stunts hes pulled - umm no way

- Made my son cry (he was 9) at his 80th birthday party when he had a massive sulk and rammed it back under the table. Son had bought him one of those "balloons in a box"

- Insisted I visit him at hospital at 9am xmas day and told me "I dont care you're kids can wait".

- Another xmas caused massive drama that he was so ill he was going to call an ambulance. I had dropped him home. Stupidly I stayed with him for hours one xmas day while my son was at home waiting for me to come home.

- Every holidays. The day I get to Florida he tells me hes been "so ill" and "not sure if I have to go into hospital but dont worry about ,me". These days I worry for 1 second because theres nothing wrong with him.

Call Me Cordelia · July 25, 2022, 07:54:30 AM

How did you respond?

square · July 25, 2022, 08:55:27 AM

My guess is that he really doesn't know.

He sees you not abandoning your family to scurry around and serve him and he wonders what he's done to deserve this.

He thinks: I fed him, clothed him, and 25 years ago talked him out of dropping out of college.

He does not see the massive problems with this line of thought

That him fulfilling his most basic role as a parent does not indebt you to dedicate your life to serve him.

But he dors seem to think, wrongly, that he truly "needs" your service, that your clients "need" to understand, that your wife "needs" to be sorted, that your kids "need" to understand, that the police enforcing quaratine "need" to understand.

But, yeah, this question seems totally connected to this, and he is yanking hard on your Obligation and Guilt strings.

Starboard Song · July 25, 2022, 09:34:49 AM

I think I hear people use that phrasing to mean, "I'm not TERRIBLE, right?"

You will never really be able to get inside his head to understand what he knows, or what he means by any such question. Being Terminally Mild-Mannered, I'd have spouted off something like "well, I'm your son after all. I'm grown and healthy. I'm happy. And I've got a good career and family I love. That's something right there."

It means nothing, it let's him off the hook, and returns you to your day.

NarcKiddo · July 25, 2022, 10:56:37 AM

Ha! That's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" question.

Yes you are a pretty good Dad = Dad is great, Dad deserves good treatment from you, Dad ought to have you at his beck and call.

No you are not a pretty good Dad = Dad did his level best, Dad made sacrifices for you, Dad spent money on you, Dad is only human and what kind of a son is so ungrateful, anyway?

Ugh.

And from what you have said about him on here before, I do not agree with your assessment that he knows what a nightmare he is. Not in any real terms. That is you hoping that there is hope; that you are wrong; that he has some self-awareness. Of course I could be wrong, but I suspect that the most he knows (or senses) is that you have a problem with him and he would rather you not have that problem because it is somehow preventing you from doing his bidding. What he does not seem prepared (or able) to do is anything that might alleviate that problem.

p123 · July 26, 2022, 04:32:17 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on July 25, 2022, 07:54:30 AM

How did you respond?

To be honest, not a lot! I was in shock....

p123 · July 26, 2022, 04:34:58 AM

Quote from: square on July 25, 2022, 08:55:27 AM
My guess is that he really doesn't know.

He sees you not abandoning your family to scurry around and serve him and he wonders what he's done to deserve this.

He thinks: I fed him, clothed him, and 25 years ago talked him out of dropping out of college.

He does not see the massive problems with this line of thought

That him fulfilling his most basic role as a parent does not indebt you to dedicate your life to serve him.

But he dors seem to think, wrongly, that he truly "needs" your service, that your clients "need" to understand, that your wife "needs" to be sorted, that your kids "need" to understand, that the police enforcing quaratine "need" to understand.

But, yeah, this question seems totally connected to this, and he is yanking hard on your Obligation and Guilt strings.

Yes definitely I think.....

In his head, the world works how he sees it and nothing will change his mind. As such, everyone has to follow the rules he sees in his head.
One of which is, hes VERY ill and his sons have to look after him and they're family have to understand.

I'll be honest, a LOT of it is the culture of where he lives and his generation. He tells his friends "how good my sons are". Its shameful in his eyes if your family don't run around doing everything for you.

p123 · July 26, 2022, 04:35:30 AM

Quote from: Starboard Song on July 25, 2022, 09:34:49 AM
I think I hear people use that phrasing to mean, "I'm not TERRIBLE, right?"

You will never really be able to get inside his head to understand what he knows, or what he means by any such question. Being Terminally Mild-Mannered, I'd have spouted off something like "well, I'm your son after all. I'm grown and healthy. I'm happy. And I've got a good career and family I love. That's something right there."

It means nothing, it let's him off the hook, and returns you to your day.

ha ha thats pretty good.

p123 · July 26, 2022, 04:42:26 AM

Quote from: NarcKiddo on July 25, 2022, 10:56:37 AM
Ha! That's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" question.

Yes you are a pretty good Dad = Dad is great, Dad deserves good treatment from you, Dad ought to have you at his beck and call.

No you are not a pretty good Dad = Dad did his level best, Dad made sacrifices for you, Dad spent money on you, Dad is only human and what kind of a son is so ungrateful, anyway?

Ugh.

And from what you have said about him on here before, I do not agree with your assessment that he knows what a nightmare he is. Not in any real terms. That is you hoping that there is hope; that you are wrong; that he has some self-awareness. Of course I could be wrong, but I suspect that the most he knows (or senses) is that you have a problem with him and he would rather you not have that problem because it is somehow preventing you from doing his bidding. What he does not seem prepared (or able) to do is anything that might alleviate that problem.

Oh yes you're right. He definitely knows somethings up. I went years doing EVERYTHING for him and he got away with it.

Now hes noticed I won't. He tries to play a game now by being nice to me. Doesn't work because he'll be nice for 5 mins then he'll make some really selfish request.

He tries to hug me all the time now. I'm not keen to be honest.... (love bombing?)
To be honest, Im getting better at grey rocking. He moans how ill he is, I ignore it, he comes up with a stupid request I just say no can't do.

Im working on :-
1. ignoring his stupid comments trying to tell me how to live my life.....
2. His racist/homophobic/sexist comments. They are REALLY hard to ignore at the moment.

Off topic a little. He mentioned something on TV about gays and how they're parents must be "so upset". Jeez he knows how I feel (i.e. so what? It is what it is, live and let live) yet he still spouts his crap. Its really offensive - I've got friends who are gay...

My wife, jokingly, tells me to tell him I've decided I'm gay after all - he'd never speak to me again!

Boat Babe · July 26, 2022, 08:27:18 AM

Your wife is spot on!

p123 · July 26, 2022, 10:58:17 AM

Quote from: Boat Babe on July 26, 2022, 08:27:18 AM
Your wife is spot on!

Do you know what - its scary to think that if I was gay he probably wouldn't.

My son is 18 now and, to be honest, thought he was gay (but hes not) but SO WHAT?

traumakorma · August 02, 2022, 03:31:58 AM

Oh god yes, my abusive parent told me, the last time I visited him, that he was a wonderful parent. I was used to him trying to control the narrative so did my usual of just not saying anything to either refute or agree his claim. This was about 5 minutes before an all out sick attack on me. It's just bizarre. You'd think that the fact that he had not 300 seconds earlier pronounced himself as wonderful that this would have reigned his poison in somewhat but no. In his world, his behaviour has nothing to do with how amazing he is, he just is amazing. Having any sort of emotional intelligence or intelligence for that matter can make these interactions insanely head spinny like being stuck on a waltzer.

Call Me Cordelia · August 02, 2022, 05:14:12 AM

Oh yeah, my dad said in writing, "We were not abusive," when no one had accused him of that... hmm... methinks he doth protest too much. Controlling the narrative and massive denial. If they start to feel uncomfortable it's your task to validate them immediately. No thank you.

p123 · August 02, 2022, 06:23:00 AM

Quote from: traumakorma on August 02, 2022, 03:31:58 AM
Oh god yes, my abusive parent told me, the last time I visited him, that he was a wonderful parent. I was used to him trying to control the narrative so did my usual of just not saying anything to either refute or agree his claim. This was about 5 minutes before an all out sick attack on me. It's just bizarre. You'd think that the fact that he had not 300 seconds earlier pronounced himself as wonderful that this would have reigned his poison in somewhat but no. In his world, his behaviour has nothing to do with how amazing he is, he just is amazing. Having any sort of emotional intelligence or intelligence for that matter can make these interactions insanely head spinny like being stuck on a waltzer.

Yeh same with Dad. He'll launch into an opinion of how I should have done this and not that. Usually something about money and how I shouldn't spend it.....

Even though I've told him umpteen times that Im 54 years old, well capable of deciding what to spend my money on, and politely its none of his business.