Where to start

[escapingman]

I am starting to feel really distressed now. He called and messaged again. Now he is asking if something has happened since I am not replying to him. I bloody did reply, I told him we didn't want to meet him and risk catching covid. I am trying to be polite, but soon the flood doors will open and I will tell him exactly what I think. I really don't want to, but he is pushing me into a corner. I can't be wasting energy on a fallout with my dad, I have a flipping hearing in 2 weeks that is the most important thing I ever had. I am fuming.

[moglow]

What if you screenshot your last response to him, and sent that right back? "I did reply - This is where you asked and I answered." Just because he doesn't like your answer and it's not the one he wanted, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You don't *have* to explain anything.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[escapingman]

I am starting to get old feelings bubbling up of having no space of my own. I politely replied and reiteradet we don't want to risk catching the virus. He replied that is such a shame because he is mot contagious anymore. First of all, how the heck does he know that? Second, how could I possible trust he is telling the truth. But to the point, I told him NO, and I told him why, but he still didn't accept it. I know guidelines have changed since the beginning of the pandemic, but who knows what's what? I am no virus scientist and neither is he. But also, this is where I am trying to avoid getting to, I am so angry and disappointed with him putting us at risk at first. We had to keep for ourselves for a week, cancell meeting friends and family, and now he thinks he is first in line to see us.

[justducky]

Setting boundaries for the first time is really, really hard. My uPD father was a bully and would ask the same questions over and over even if I gave him the answer he wanted. My mother did similar things, albeit more covertly. I was lucky that I started coming Out of the FOG pre-cell phones. Cell phones complicate everything.

If you don't want to block your father, you could do a softer equivalent and set the ringtone for his number to silent. That makes it easier to ignore his pestering (what's really boundary violations and abuse).

It gets easier, EM, I promise!   

[feralcat]

EM. I hope you can help the time to pass quickly until you get to go home. By organising activities to do with DD daily. In advance. And there is an end in sight ! Even if that involves the hearing. And that in itself has an ending.

I'm sorry about what's going on with your FOO. It must be very triggering, especially if it brings up stuff from the past. Not being allowed any space/expected to caretake unquestioningly/ no boundaries. Plus it's similar to your unpdW's behaviour.  Ihope you can make yourself follow the excellent advice given. It is hard. But the endpoint is in sight. They'll live.

Next time you have to go over, to renew your visa (?) can you stay elsewhere ? Think of this as a valuable but hard learning experience ?

[escapingman]

Thanks for your advice, we actually used to stay at other places but in my stupidity thought things would be different this time - nothing got different.

Back to the important stuff, just had a long discussion with my solicitor. In preparation for the hearing, both me and uNPDx shared our statements so we both can file a defending statement. uNPDx solicitor made a complaint about my statement and told my solicitor is has to much information (about the abuse) and they are not going to respond to the accusations 

This could be interesting going forward, her accusations are very weak and not detailed (as they are made up) and mine are very detailed (as they are based on my journal and recordings). At the same time she is trying to turn focus on to the finances and discuss transactions in the tens of pounds. She must be absolutely losing it and I am worried about how she is taking that out on GC.

[hhaw]

EM:

Your reactivity around your father's texts speaks to healing you might address after the court stuff.

Your father's texts are just texts, whether they're innapropriate or crossing boundaries.....they're only texts.

Your reaction....
The emotional charge around those texts and your father's requests are the real issue....once you find a trauma informed T you trust, you'll you'll learn to free yourself and release the emotional charfe, which is life changing, ime.

Finding a trauma informed T is up to you and requires research, interviews and the willingness to let a T go after several or more appointments once it's determined they're not for you. 

You can't do anything to get stbx to parent in a less damaging way, bc that's out if your control.

You can keep that at the top of your priorities, along with the past abuse, but worrying decreases your responsiveness so maybe think about what you CAN do and not about what you can't do.

About opposing counsel "making a complaint" about the amount of detail in your statement.....what did your attorney say about that?

[escapingman]

My solicitor was very perplexed about it and found it very odd as this was what the judge asked for. We spoke about it and she thinks the same as me, theh don't have anything on me and she can't defend herself against my accusations so then the only way is to try to focus on making my statement invalid.

[escapingman]

Also hhaw, I will look into my relation with my FOO but not until the divorce is done. If my dad want to sulk now, he can do as much as he want- I really don't have timecard energy for it. The pressure fir the hearing is building up and I need to focus 10000% on getting that girl of mine home. I am sure he rather see her when he visit me rather than her being locked up by uNPDx.

I am slowly getting stronger, the longer I am NC with uNPDx the better I feel. As I said in my last post, she us now trying to argue about small issues. I got angry when I read it, git my fighting going, then calmed down and thought what's the point to argue about pennies just to win a small battle.

I took DD around my home town today and showed her my fast food joint I ate a lot at in my youth. We had a great time, we really are creating a bond right now.

[escapingman]

Me and DD got to another hotel away from the rest on the second leg of our trip, I surprised her with one with a swimming pool. Unfortunately the weather wasn't great but we had a nice time anyway as the pool was heated. Had a chat before bedtime and she looked so happy and peaceful, she told me she really feel a difference since her mum and sister left. Looking back at the last months, it really was hell and GC was very much as bad as uNPDx. I feel mist of the abuse that hurt me was actually from her and that is what hurts the most. If she learnt it is OK to treat people like she did to  me and DD she will struggle going forward, I am worried she get the sake issues as her mum.

I got my second statement back from my solicitor, need to go through it and then talk it through. The more distance to the abuse I get the more horrified I am about how much I put up with.

[escapingman]

We are now on our own, far from both my FOO and home. The pressure from my dad is easing and I can go back to what's important right now. I will discuss my FOO in the parents section of the board when the time is right, but I can really see where I learnt to have no boundaries from.

I am thinking of hiring some storage and start packing up my stuff over the coming weeks. Then when it's time to sell there will only be furniture and uNPDxs stuff left. There is very little I actually want so she can have most of it, but I feel she will be the same so I might end up with it anyway. I need to start fresh as soon as possible.

[hhaw]

EM:

How lovely you're off with DD and dreaming about someday,
after the divorce,
after the house is gone,
after the old furniture and things have gone, leaving space for things you've curated to spark joy in your lives.

There will be a time when this is behind you.  If you're lucky and find a good trauma informed T.... there will likely come a time when you've excorcised your FOO trauma, traced the thread throughout your life to disarm it and put it to bed, where it belongs.... asleep.... resting in the arms of your fully realized and secure adult self..... fully capable and in charge of keeping you safe inside healthy boundaries you enforce with grace and zero emotional charge.

Ya.....
that can be your future.

Since I'm dealing with NOT looking my children in the eye and being present with them in the moment often enough.....I encourage you to do THAT daily, make time for it, schedule into your day.... don't pencil it in.  SCHEDULE it and make a standing appointment and I don't mean chat them up a bit.  I mean ask them about their day, their dreams, the best and worst things that happened to them that day and get your hands dirty participating in their activities and interests. 

Don't patronize them bc you have nothing left in the tank for them.  Make SURE you have something in the tank for them every
single
day.

[escapingman]

Interestingly my dad did what he always do, as soon as he found out we left the area he stopped. It's like we don't exist when we are not within physical reach for him.

DD showed me some messages from uNPDx, she said she doesn't want to reply and feel stressed with controlling questions. DD has blocked her, her sister and her grand mother from seeing her updates. That's clever.

With being able to calm myself down again I feel a bit better. The more I reflect the more I know I had no choice and the breakup if the family is 100% uNPDx's fault. I gave her chance after chance but she could not help herself to stop the abuse. This is nit my fault and I need to keep reminding myself to not feel any guilt for the divorce. At all.

Thanks for all your support.