Painful Negotiations

[Kitbit]

My ex and I still have aspects of our life in common. I know it's not ideal, but that's the way it is now. Because of this, I'm in situations where I get to experience his lack of empathy, control, rage etc in negotiations. It's not a situation I can afford to abandon, for several reasons. However I wanted to come here to express some of my pain among those who might understand. I don't like this situation for myself, and it is partly dependent on his mood and sources of external supply. If he can't get the quality stuff, he tends to come at me for low-grade nasty supply as mentioned above. I stand my ground, and will continue to do so, but my heart takes a beating, and my mood suffers. At least now that we are exes, I can detach more quickly, and I see clearly into his disorder, but it still hurts. Obviously it's much easier than those days when he's bobbing along full on supply, being kind and even considerate. I'd welcome any encouragement or maybe others who are dealing with the same thing...

[losingmyself]

I listen to Kris Godinez, she's full of great advice! She advises that if you must have contact about a mutual interest, ie kids or a business venture, then only answer the questions you need to.  Weed out the rest of the bs they are saying.. So, if they text you with a long hateful paragraph, and somewhere in there is a question about where the kids need to be picked up, your only reply would be "the kids need to be picked up at the baseball field at 8pm"
They'll lose interest because you're not giving them the supply they were after.
I know it hurts. You know he is speaking more about what he thinks of himself than any truths about you. But I understand that even hearing those words can hurt. I think that the detachment will just naturally come more and more quickly. Keep working on yourself, and it's good that he's your ex!
I know I've read people here talk about imagining that you have a shield of armor around you! I always imagine that I'm holding up a mirror, like he's talking to himself! Either way, the words aren't reaching you!

[Poison Ivy]

Fortunately, this type of situation occurs very infrequently for me now. When it used to happen more often, I would sometimes imagine myself within a barrier of some type, such as armor or a circular wall or fence. Also, I would tell myself to try to shut off my feelings, act bland, and not react to my spouse (now my ex). I would be polite, but I would try to respond only when necessary. I typically love to talk about myself, but I highly restrict this with my ex when listening and not talking seems more prudent.

[Kitbit]

Thanks for these responses. I'm going to tactfully exit at the first sign of snide behavior, rather than let it slide. I am able to do this but I forget when he goes so long being rational and considerate.  I don't want to be a party to that kind of relationship. I forget some of my techniques too, so thanks for the reminder about grey rock-type stuff. Detachment seems like the best strategy.

[1footouttadefog]

Over time you will become more practiced at rejecting the negative communication. 

Emotional attachments will deminish as well and the value of his comments and opinions will decrease. 

In the meantime be sore to practice self care and bolster yourself holistically so there will be less vulnerability and suseptability to his actions and comments etc. 

[Lauren17]

Have you read The Narc Decoder, by Tina Swithin? It's a somewhat tongue-in-cheek book about translating what they say into what they really mean, with tips on when and how to respond.
I found it very helpful.