Recruiting the kids

[Marigold]

Hello,

It's been a while. To be honest, I was really depressed once I figured out that my H was manipulating me. I stopped visiting the website, stopped reading books on the topic,  and gave up on the toolbox. But I couldn't "unsee" what I came to realize, so I restarted reading posts and reviewing the toolbox suggestions. When I started implementing some of the techniques, my H doubled-down on the gaslighting, bullying and so on. I know this is to be expected, but it's been so difficult.

Now he is using my children. He manipulates two of my kids by telling them everything would be fixed if I was more loving towards him and did what he tells me to do. The kids want to forgive and heal the family despite all the abuse they've endured and still experience.

I'd like to spare my kids from suffering years of disappointment, gaslighting, and blaming themselves. My third child can see right through my H and it makes my H uncomfortable.

I am reading a lot and watching a lot of videos on the topic, but if anyone has any input about how much to tell my kids (10 and 12) and how to tell them why I've distanced myself emotionally from their father, I would really appreciate it. I would love to leave with the kids, but I'm not strong enough yet.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I also had a first awakening, then realized that ultimately if I continued on this path, it would mean I have to leave him. That scared me so much that I stepped back only to return years later, even more traumatized.
I am glad you are back and implementing the Toolbox. Leaving takes a lot of preparation and you can start now. Do you have an own income? Own bank account? Access to financial information? Access to personal documents? Support in the form of friends, family, support groups, therapist?
As for your question how to support the kids, the opinions are divided on this topic. I can only tell you what I did. Whenever my kids came to me with confusion about what their father did, I tried to validate their feelings. I confirmed their observations, I said I agreed with them and that his behaviour was odd, unfair, not right, not good. And then I said, that's how he is. I tried very hard not to badmouth him, but also not to explain away his bad behaviour or confuse them by telling them he loves them when his behaviour was not loving. I explained the strategies from the Toolbox to them one at a time, whenever the situation arose, as a suggestion on how to handle such a situation in the future. And I made a special effort to tell them that they are wonderful and worthy and lovable. There is a book that might be of interest to you: Bancroft "When Dad hurts Mom".
Good luck to you and stick around!

[escapingman]

Marigold, I wish I could help. I was like you, I found out my wife most likely suffered from BPD. This was about 10 years ago with very little information available online. Reading it wasn't curable I decided to ignore what I had read and pretend all was fine. But in the back if my mind I knew, and things slowly got worse. About 2-3 years ago I had enough and started mentally exit the relationship, just like you described she doubled and tripled down. But, I was to slow in my process and I gave her the time and opportunity to brain wash one of my children and turn her against me, she tried with the other one as well but failed. The brain washed child has now given up all her own hobbies and beliefs and only exists to please her mum. I am fighting tooth and nail to save my daughter, but it's an ungrateful battle.

My advice to you is to take your kids, if possible, and leave ASAP. DONT make my mistake and give him the chance to turn them against you.

Good luck!

[Marigold]

Notrightinthehead, I was the primary income earner and he was the stay-at-home dad until a few years ago. In hindsight, that was probably the cause of a lot of issues my kids are having with anxiety and school. We switched roles when I lost my job. I was better suited to help the kids with school. All attempts to get them help with therapy were publicly funded, limited, and have been dead ends since I didn't recognize the main problem was my H.  The gaslighting was so severe. He warns my kids regularly not to speak to anyone about what happens at home.

I have access to the finances, but he controls them. I gave him full access to financial accounts when I was working, so I have no separate account. He hides funds so I can't access them. He will not authorize paying for therapy and I lost extended medical insurance when my job ended. I'm kind of snookered financially right now, but I will prioritize this problem.

We have become socially isolated except for his family who enable him for the most part. My H wants to further isolate us by moving to some secluded farm. I have been fighting this.

I will look up the book you suggested. I have been trying to support them without badmouthing their father as well, but I get frustrated when he tries to use them as a marriage counselor. He has no right to put them in that position, but telling him that is futile, I'm guessing. How did you explain the worsening abuse when using the toolbox, and lovebombing to your kids?

Escapingman, would you be able to tell me the age range for your kids? I know each situation is unique, but I am always afraid that whatever I'm doing is already too late. I see behaviors in my children that are concerning.

[escapingman]

Marigold, they were 10 and 11 when the brainwashing really started, they are now either 12 and 13. But I am sure the seeds were planted when they were much younger without me realising. I am really worried I have lost the older girl.

[notrightinthehead]

Marigold, I did not explain the worsening abuse. When they asked I said it was wrong what he did. And that nobody should behave like that.
I urge you to not allow yourself to be isolated any further. You need a slush fund he doesn't know about and you need to break the secrecy and silence.

[Poison Ivy]

Marigold, I agree that the isolation and your husband's attempts to make you further isolated are worrisome, as is your lack of access to family funds.

[Marigold]

Escapingman, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My H was primary caregiver for so many years, I wonder how many seeds were planted too. Despite this, the kids know what he was doing was wrong. I hope that deep down, your daughter knows as well. They are still probably going to need a lot of therapy, but I am hoping there's at least some sort of solid foundation for them.

Notrightinthehead and poison ivy, I made the mistake of protecting my H by only asking for help from his FOO. After speaking to them, I blamed myself even more and felt sorry that my H had to put up with my faults. It was embarrassing and discouraging. It's horrible thinking back.

I can't speak freely when my H is around, but i have been slowly telling my brother about the situation, and I  know that my FOO will help in any way they can. A long time neighbor has overheard the abuse over the past decade and offered my kids a safe place if at any point they are in danger.

I will start an escape plan, even if I'm not yet ready to leave. It's so sad, but even if a cure existed , I don't think I could ever trust him again.