New and nervous

[Rosa Rugosa]

Hello,

After reading lots of posts and replies, I thought I should step out of the dark and engage. I have found much solace in the support and understanding that you give each other on here. Reading through the posts here helps me know I'm not alone.

I apologise if my writing is as muddled as my thoughts.

I am not sure if I should post under the parent or the sibling section. Maybe I should split my story across both sections, a sister post and a mother post? But I don't want to inundate you fine folk with multiple threads on the same family.

Basically, both are using the silent treatment on me. My sister for 3 years, my mother for 1 year. Neither have any relevant diagnoses, I am aware I should not label them with my unqualified armchair diagnosis... But for the sake of being descriptive, I think (covert)uNPD could fit the bill for both.

If they both don't want me in the family, I must be the problem. This is how my brain made sense of it all - I am the common denominator. But I am not, in my immediate family I am, in the wider family they are. Each and every member of the extended family has been cast aside for varying reasons and varying amounts of time. I try to remember this when the doubt sets in.

The doubt hits me often. What if I've made it all up, painted them in a bad light to save myself the realisation that I am the problem. Is it all projection? Am I the uNPD and they have gone NC to save themselves from me?

Thankfully my partner is my witness, the only person outside of the family who has experienced my family dynamic. But what if I am uNPD and my partner is my enabler? At this point my partner will tell me not to be silly, I'm a kind and loving empath, they say and asks, would I treat them the way they treat me?

No. But yes, actually, maybe...?

After the years of stonewalling/silent treatment, I decided that when/if they want to resume contact, I am unsure of whether I want to welcome them back into my life. I really don't want to go through it all again. If I decide this, am I like them? Would I be treating them like they're treating me? I can't get my head round this. I don't want to penalise them, an eye for an eye so to speak. Maybe it's about motive? I don't know their motives, but it feels like punishment, my motivation would be protection from further hurt, but to them it could feel like punishment. Im going around in circles here, just like my brain.

My childhood memories are full of them refusing to speak to me and the cold glares they gave me instead of words. (There were other issues too, but going into it all would make this a very long post) I know human memory is highly fallible, but I don't think I am remembering incorrectly.

I can't afford to start therapy right now, or buy books on the subject. I have tried talking to friends, they don't seem to understand. They ask me what I did to make them stop speaking to me, I try to explain the eggshells I broke, the wrong tone I used, the demands I refused to fulfil, the boundaries I tried to erect. Only my partner understands, but I cannot keep bringing this to them, I don't want to abuse them with emotional dumping or use them like a therapist.

I often watch Dr Ramani and Dr Carter on YouTube and listen to their podcasts, both are so helpful and enlightening. I came across this site in the online comments section of a UK newspaper, the article was about a woman who was seeking help going NC with her mother. If the commenter from BTL-CIF (this is not identifying info BTW, just a shorthand from the other site they might recognise), happens to read this, thank you! I doubt I would have found this site without your recommendation.

And thank you in advance to anyone who reads this.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found an informative and supportive place. Read through the Top  Traits on the Personality Disorders tab you might find some clarity there. Also check out what not to do and What to do on the Toolbox.
Having grown up with difficult people makes us confused and accepting of intolerable behaviour. Getting the silent treatment as a punishment is very painful for a kid. And you are still getting it. At least now you can let them do what they do and go look for friendship and kindness in other places. You sound like a sensitive self aware person. I am sorry you had to deal with such cruel behaviour. And I am glad you are joining us on our journey of healing.

[Rosa Rugosa]

Thank you so much Notrightinthehead,

I burst into tears reading your reply. It is cruel isn't it. I think I have been hoping for someone to validate this, someone other than my partner. I don't seem to be able to rely on myself to know that their behaviour is not ok and that I'm not responsible for it.

I keep reading not to blame myself for their behaviour. Growing up in their world and as an adult, I was made/encouraged to believe their emotions and actions were because of something I did or said, or didn't say or didn't do. It is really hard to let this conditioning go - I feel like a blame sponge, mopping up all the blame, whether it was my mess or not. I think I was a scapegoat, I suppose I still am.

Reading through the top 100 traits is very enlightening, as is the what to do and what not to do pages. I really hope the more I learn, the more I can heal. It certainly helps to put things into perspective - until I remember the nice things they have done, or the sadness they carry and suddenly feel guilty and to blame again - oh my FOGgy brain.

Thanks for your kind words and warm welcome.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

The fact that you are questioning yourself seems highly indicative that you are not the PD. You are self-aware enough to be questioning. And not just privately to yourself - you have taken the risk of confiding in your partner.

I agree with you that the fact they have cast aside every member of the extended family at some point or another is a very heavy pointer to it being them. How is your own relationship with the extended family? (And by the way, if you don't have much of a relationship with the extended family this would be no great surprise and no reflection on you. My mother did not foster any sort of closeness with extended family that she was not actively controlling.)

It is a horrible situation to be the child/sibling of a PD and is very tough a) to realise and b) to work through.

I hope you will find your time here to be helpful and illuminating.

[Rosa Rugosa]

Thank you NarcKiddo,

I wonder if I am gaslighting myself with their old words, or hoping that if I'm the problem then I can fix the situation. But the 3 C's and the 50% rule will be my new mantra. Thank you for pointing out that by questioning I'm showing self awareness. My partner says something similar, he asks me if I think uNPD people ever worry that they are uNPD, but I don't know the answer to this, there must be spectrum of severity in each facet of every PD.

I don't have any relationships in my extended family. Looking back, I think my uNPD Mother kept us alienated/isolated from the extended family. I guess she was doing the push-pull thing with her brothers and sisters and would often use the silent treatment on them, also on both grandparents (and cousins once they became adults). So one summer we might spend lots of time with everyone, then we may not see them again for years, some people never again. When they called we weren't allowed to answer the phone. Family members have gone to their grave still under the silent treatment of my Mother and Sister.

I am sorry you also had a Mother who didn't let you be part of a wider family, its nice to know its not just me. I feel guilty your hurt makes me feel better about mine.