How to react to "Hoovering" from a possible Narcissist?

[Amy-Rose]

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=10.0
Link to my previous question if anyone wonders why I no longer want this person in my life and why confronting her and telling her I don't doesn't work.

She's done a huge temporary discard on me for 2 months for no reasons I can understand. Now, after 2 months of more or less silence she's suddenly speaking to me in again in that friendly way. Trying to give me things again or lend me things, showing interest in my life again. Never really experienced this behaviour before so wanted to ask what the best way to handle it is?
So far, I'm refusing her gifts. Being polite but not engagging and not telling her anything personal. Keeping it light.

[Cat of the Canals]

It sounds like you're doing everything right so far. For more ideas, check out the "Medium Chill" and "Grey Rock" guides in the Toolbox.

I notice in your previous post that you mentioned she has a tendency to show up uninvited. I'd nip that in the bud if it's still going on. Calmly and politely tell her that unannounced visits don't work for you, and she needs to schedule visits with you in advance from now on*. If she shows up unannounced anyway (and she probably will), you can either simply not answer the door (keep your door locked if she's the type to enter on her own), or you can answer and tell her, "Oh, I wish you'd called before you came over like I asked, I'm too busy to visit now."

*It's best to be explicit about the visits needing to be scheduled WITH YOU, versus something like, "Call before you come over." The latter leaves an opening for them to declare, "I'm coming over." versus asking, "Are you available for a visit?"

[Cat of the Canals]

It sounds like you're doing everything right so far. For more ideas, check out the "Medium Chill" and "Grey Rock" guides in the Toolbox. Basically: be boring.

I notice in your previous post that you mentioned she has a tendency to show up uninvited. I'd nip that in the bud if it's still going on. Calmly and politely tell her that unannounced visits don't work for you, and she needs to schedule visits with you in advance from now on*. If she shows up unannounced anyway (and she probably will), you can either simply not answer the door (keep your door locked if she's the type to enter on her own), or you can answer and tell her, "Oh, I wish you'd called before you came over like I asked, I'm too busy to visit now."

*It's best to be explicit about the visits needing to be scheduled WITH YOU, versus something like, "Call before you come over." The latter leaves an opening for them to declare, "I'm coming over." versus asking, "Are you available for a visit?"

[Amy-Rose]

Thanks for the reply. I have no intention to have her over my home anymore. I just keep refusing gifts. Saying I'm busy so any meet ups and not really engaging and hoping she loses interest. Yellow rock is more what I'm trying. Polite but boring she what happens. She appears to be quite thick-skinned. I don't think I could blow so hot and cold with someone without explaining why. I don't know if she's deliberating messing with me or just oblivious of her own actions.

[Cat of the Canals]

She appears to be quite thick-skinned. I don't think I could blow so hot and cold with someone without explaining why. I don't know if she's deliberating messing with me or just oblivious of her own actions.

My MIL is like this. On the one hand, she can take offense at the smallest things. At the same time, she has an uncanny ability to not "take a hint." Periodically it becomes clear that she actually DOES understand the hint is there -- she simply chooses to ignore it. I believe she feels entitled to certain people, so no amount of hinting or outright saying "I do not want to spend time with you" registers. In her mind, that isn't a choice we're allowed to make.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,
Sounds like you're handling the situation well.  This sort of intermittent behavior is hard to take:  You never know where you stand with the person, and they may intend to keep you off-balance this way.  I also think that Cat of the Canals is onto something when she talks about her MIL feeling entitled to certain people--I think this may be going on with your friend, too.

I survived a similar friendship, and a couple of years after I finally ended things, she suddenly texted me one day, saying,  "Why don't I drop by?  I can bring Starbucks."  Well, this person can be SO manic, and all I needed was for her to "drop by" to share some caffeine and sugar!  LOL!  I said that wasn't a good idea, and she hasn't suggested anything else. 

Continue to maintain your distance, while being polite, and she will get the message.  If she doesn't, you may have to say something.  My friend asked why I had withdrawn, and I I told her that she had many good characteristics, but that I couldn't "take the other."  She knew what I meant. 

[easterncappy]

She appears to be quite thick-skinned. I don't think I could blow so hot and cold with someone without explaining why. I don't know if she's deliberating messing with me or just oblivious of her own actions.

My MIL is like this. On the one hand, she can take offense at the smallest things. At the same time, she has an uncanny ability to not "take a hint." Periodically it becomes clear that she actually DOES understand the hint is there -- she simply chooses to ignore it. I believe she feels entitled to certain people, so no amount of hinting or outright saying "I do not want to spend time with you" registers. In her mind, that isn't a choice we're allowed to make.

It's because they think forced affection still counts as affection. Same reason they like to force hugs and kisses on crying, visibly uncomfortable children. Where non-PD people would be horrified to find out that someone is only spending time with us or showing us physical affection because they feel obligated to, PD people thrive off of it. If they get it, they get it, they don't really care how. It's not like your feelings mattered in the first place to them. Everything is a transaction and your boundaries are always negotiable. And like you said, they feel entitled to certain people and experiences.

I don't know if it's an option for OP for personal and legal reasons, but in some places you can just... call the police and get someone escorted off of your property and then file a restraining order. Look up the laws against stalking in your area. I haven't read the entire context for the situation yet, but some of these PD people are so unable to just get the hint (even if it's clearly stated) and so unstable that they post a legitimate threat that it's sometimes necessary. That's the plan for my dad if he ever shows up. My mom and aunt are people I feel like I can just tell to leave or not answer the door and they'll... eventually figure it out without becoming dangerous. It depends on the individual and what you think they're capable of.

[bloomie]

Hi Amy-Rose - I read your back story and all I can say is your instincts are reliable as you keep your distance from the chaos and confusion it seems like this friend lives in. Using your toolset and doing what sounds like a slow fade in responding superficially and not engaging may, in time, encourage her to move along if there is nothing for her to gain from you,

This person's behavior patterns seem predatory and abusive. The love bombing and attempting to give you gifts are a message that she is normal and nice, thoughtful even. You know better and will hold your ground.

The thing about the gifts and messages after 2 months of silence I have found with those in my life who are on the more aggressive and possessive side of things, that have displayed a decided lack of empathy and high entitlement, is it tends to be a way to force engagement with the part of me that is mannerly and kind - forcing a response - even a superficial one, so they win some measure of supply, or at the very least that I would think of them.

I would suggest considering at some point to stop responding to this person. It is not unkind and/or rude to step firmly away from someone who is at the very least unstable and unreliable and who has brought a great deal of discomfort and confusion to your life and is intruding on your peace of mind.

Let us know how this is going for you. I am so sorry this relationship has been such a roller coaster ride for you. Very unsettling stuff you describe happening with her.

[Amy-Rose]

Thanks for the advice guys,
She isn't coming on too strong at the moment. Just suddenly showing interest in talking to me, reminding me of her 'oh so hard year' her life troubles, excuses about time slipping away and offerings. I think she's testing the water, seeing if I'm annoyed or if she can slowly start using me again. I sympathise with her losses, I really do, but she didn't seem to care about mine. She still seems to try and use them for sympathy, even a year and a half later. She'll bring up losing her relative but never ask me how I'm doing after the year I had.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

You so clearly see what is going on with this person.  She is using her trials and tribulations to try to soften you up.  But she isn't the best of manipulators, because she hasn't shown any concern about your problems. (Doesn't sound as if she did so in the past, and isn't doing so now.)  And that is the real problem with so many difficult people.  It's all about them. 

The irony is that if THEY would spend half the time working on themselves that we spend trying to deal with them, they might be decent people.  But, no, they expect us to accept them as they are!   

[Amy-Rose]

@countrygirl - exactly. These people do a terrible job of lying, manipulating and using. They don't think "I need this person for 50% of my life but I can't just drop them for the other 50% I don't need them for, otherwise it's obvious. So I'll make sure I bother a bit, even when I don't need them just to keep my supply."

They don't even operate in a smart way, it's just obvious and blatant and when you call them out on it, they ask: "where's all this come from?". Sometimes I think it's not all calculated with them, otherwise they'd be smarter about it. I think it's just their personality and old habits die hard. My "friend" has likely been that way all her life, has been called out on this stuff and still refuses to mend her ways. She's always pursuing some trauma healing program. She does it. She does the counselling and yet there's no improvement in her. She tries to even blame the loss of her sibling last year for her behaviour. My other friend, my mum and step-dad all lost siblings last year, they don't act like she does. Too much doesn't add up.

The worst bit is, we live in the same area and often bump into each other and have a mutual friend who I don't want to drag into all this drama. So I'm looking for an effective way to deal with her. Maybe she'll hoover maybe she's got all she could out of me, who knows. She's certainly had nothing to do with me for the last 2 months she had less pets to look after. Using the heat as an excuse.

Hope everything with your friend is resolving itself.