New and need support

[FancyNancy]

Hi, I'm new here. I don't even know where to start or what kind of feedback I'm looking for. My DH is a textbook high-conflict personality with a sprinkling of NPD and BPD traits (although I don't believe he would ever get diagnosed with either), on top of ADD. He is smart and relatively high-functioning at work and socially (surface level). Yet, he is the common denominator in nearly all conflict in our family and the single greatest source of stress, anxiety, frustration, and heartache in my life. Living with him drains me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I was with him for years before I realized that he is emotionally and verbally abusive. I was confused by his behavior, and I thought of him as "difficult," easily angered, easily stressed, moody, rigid, and argumentative, but it never crossed my mind that he was abusive until my counselor pointed it out to me. Of course, he is a funny, lighthearted, and stand-up guy in social settings, which made it harder to recognize. Now I see his behaviors - blaming, shaming, baiting, gaslighting, projection, guilt trips, insults, manipulation, selective incompetence, stonewalling, playing the victim, false accusations, silent treatment - for what they are. There is so much crazy-making behavior that I sometimes start to question reality.

He does not pull his weight around the house, and never has - not even close. We are a blended family, and while he never had any interest in parenting my child outside of making arbitrary rules and doling out punishment, he has always expected me to co-parent his child.

He is either loud, opinionated, and argumentative, or sullen, petulant, and passive aggressive, depending on the day (or the hour). He is judgmental, holier-than-thou, and a know-it-all. If you're not on his side then you're on his enemy's side. He has epic meltdowns before and on vacations and during the holidays. He once gave me the silent treatment all the way to freaking Indonesia because we didn't have sex for a week before we left, even though I was sick all week, we had family in town, and we were preparing to leave town on Christmas Day. The worst verbal and emotional assault he's ever leveled at me was on Christmas Eve a couple of years ago.

He has a very toxic and dysfunctional relationship with his son, who really doesn't want to come over to our house anymore, a high conflict relationship with his ex-wife, almost no relationship with my daughter, and superficial relationships with his family and a couple of friends. I have healthy, drama-free relationships with both kids, my family, and a few good friends. My first marriage ended only because my beautiful husband was killed in an accident.

I am not perfect by any stretch (although one of my DH's super mature assertions is that I think I'm "SOOO perfect"), and after 12 years in a dysfunctional relationship, I have fleas. I withdraw, avoid DH, withhold affection (not to punish him as much as to protect myself, or because I'm simply not feeling loving or affectionate feelings), JADE, use sarcasm, and sometimes speak to him with a tone of contempt or derision. I am not mean or abusive or unreasonable, but I'm not my best self in this relationship. I worry I'm no longer capable of a healthy relationship.

We've been to marriage counseling, but that ended when he told our counselor that there had been times that I'd "gone out with friends" and not come home until the next day, implying I'd been too drunk to come home and/or gone home with other men (what he was implying was never totally clear to me - he was making it up on the fly to deflect the attention away from himself because our counselor had just labeled some of his behavior as abusive). That never, ever, not once, happened. I have never stayed out all night or been unfaithful in any way, shape, or form. When I confronted him after our session, he insisted that was his recollection and that sometimes people just remember things differently. I actually felt sad for him because he seemed to believe his own lie. Anyway, there was no point in continuing with DH lying to our counselor.

There are times that I like him and things I like about him, but I do not, generally speaking, like him. Ditto for love. There are also days, sometimes weeks, and, very occasionally, months where he is a fairly reasonable and nice person. During those times, I feel like our marriage is actually relatively healthy. Unfortunately, though, we always end up back in the toxic part of the cycle.

I don't want to be with him but I can't seem to leave him. I know I should, I just can't quite get there. Part of it is his son. I am the only reasonable adult providing structure and emotional safety in our household. Plus, I do love his son. But more of it is fear of change and guilt... if I leave my DH, he'll be 52 years old, divorced twice, and have no meaningful relationships left. He has good in him and he, like everyone, deserves to be loved. And what if I'm lonely and realize he wasn't that bad after all, that I blew it all out of proportion?

Lately I've been asking myself why I am willing to endure all of this pain and frustration (for the rest of my life, possibly) in order to spare him the pain of the natural consequence of his behavior (being left). Do I not have enough self love or self respect to put my own emotional, mental, and physical well-being first? Apparently I do not. Plus, there is that part of me that wonders if he's right. AM I the problem? Is his terrible relationship with his son really largely my fault? If his physical needs were met, would everything be fine? But then I think back to the beginning when I was giving the marriage 100%, meeting all of his physical and emotional needs, working and contributing 50% financially despite making much less than him at the time, doing 80% of the parenting of HIS child and 95% of the housework... and he was still a miserable jerk.

If I leave he will be shocked and devastated. He will play the victim and I will be the one who gave up on our marriage.

I am very smart, have a master's degree, and have an executive-level job. My co-workers would describe me as confident, capable, and assertive. Why, then, am I too f*^king stupid and weak to leave my toxic and abusive marriage to someone that I don't even like?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. Join the club of people who ended up in a difficult relationship and find it hard to leave. You are coming Out of the FOG {fear, obligation, guilt} and you should get all the information you can at this stage. Read the Top 100 Traits and the Toolbox as a start. Read the "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist " by Fjelstad. Check out Trauma bond and Co-Dependency. Get support. A therapist, counselor, self-help group. Read around here. When dealing with your husband implement the tools from the Toolbox.
You are not alone in this! Keep posting on this forum. We understand. We are all on this journey of healing from abusive relationships. See you around.

[Kitbit]

I could have written the words you wrote. Although the cast of characters is different, the abusive person's behaviour is eerily similar. I, too, wonder about why I stay in a relationship with this person. But like you there are times when things are actually pleasant, and there is a cost to leaving that is too much to bear at present. I'm also educated and thought of well in other areas of my life. I feel ashamed to tolerate this behaviour. It is a roller coaster ride for sure, and I come to this group when I need support. I'd like others to know about what I go through, but fear being judged, and have been told "if it's so bad, why don't you leave?" which doesn't help at all. Lots of enablers all around the person, and I feel very isolated and alone in this. Those who have encountered the bad side of the person mainly leave, so I'm left with "flying monkeys" as they're called elsewhere. What's helped are the volumes of information online about narcissistic abuse - at least there is a name for it, and an explanation. Not sure if that description fits your partner, but it has helped me in understanding what the heck was going on. I also feel for you with a child involved, for whom you are providing an alternate, positive, view of life. Some people end up being discarded, which is actually a blessing in disguise, at least in some ways. Gather your resources, financially, physically, emotionally, so that you have a plan if you need to exit. Think about safety, too, if there are worries about retaliation when trying to leave.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

FancyNancy,

I'm glad you found this site.  It was such a relief when I did - I've learned a lot from the posts and suggestions. 

My divorce lawyer said to me, "people are going to wonder why you stayed if it was so bad"

I told her, the question really needs to be, "how did you find the strength to leave".  That shut her down.

Keep reading, thinking, learning.....

[thedoghousedweller]

There's a lot here, but I will just point out that the guilt you feel for his potential loneliness if you were to leave is a tool the PDs use to hold others captive.   I choose to remain in my marriage because of the covenant I made.  However, I have learned to use the no JADE and MC tools to avoid the harm from endless circular arguments. 

Sometimes it means we say two words to each other throughout the day, but it's a lot better than the frustration of unmet expectations. 

[1footouttadefog]

Keep reading here.  Others stories will let you know you are not alone and that you don't imagine it all. 

The tools in the toolbox will help push back in a healthy way and to set the bar to a healthier place regarding how you allow yourself to be treated.  You don't have to make any decisions right away.

Instead work on you and your reactions to this while becoming stronger and gaining knowledge and a tool set.  Practice self care you likely need it at the point you are seeking out this website.stay strong.