How to respond to "but she's your motherrrrr"?

[easterncappy]

What I always want to say, but can't (I want to remain a little classy): "So what? Any two morons with the right junk can make a baby. Babies are not college degrees you earn after years of hard work, they're little people that come from a few minutes of an easy and fun activity that any adult can do on a whim. The fact that my parents did the bare minimum for CPS to not get called isn't an accomplishment, they'd have done less if they could legally get away with it! What they gave me was barely enough for a dog to survive and not for a human child to thrive. If my husband treated me the way my parents do, you'd tell me to call the police on him! If they wanted me in their lives, they would have treated me better, they had decades to figure it out."

I had a friend the other day, when I was spinning over my mom's most recent "meltdown", say, "Well, she gave you life.  Nine months in the womb".     I wanted to, but didn't say, "Yeah, I've been paying for well over 9 months now.  SHE owes ME".     I realize this friend is coming from a place of being an abused daughter herself, still very much in denial.  So I can understand why she said it.  But it still hurt.

I'm just about done giving my daughter nine months in the womb. It's very intimate and I love her very much. There's a spot on my belly that she likes to kick more than any other spot and I'll always remember it.

This doesn't make her my eternal slave or a piece of property to do whatever I want with. She's a human being with rights. One of those rights is being able to choose who she associates with and doesn't associate with after turning 18 years old.

Probably the worst people to talk to about these kinds of things are people who grew up with dysfunction and are deep in denial about it. When I was making baby steps Out of the FOG, before finding a lot of content and support from communities like this, I knew someone who did the "but he's you're dad!", "but they're your parents!" thing constantly. Looking back, his family was messy... dysfunctional, although not in the same way as mine, so I didn't see it as much.

Regardless of what kind of family they come from, real friends would be able to empathize with you and wouldn't try to shame your boundaries away!

[TimetoHeal]

What I always want to say, but can't (I want to remain a little classy): "So what? Any two morons with the right junk can make a baby. Babies are not college degrees you earn after years of hard work, they're little people that come from a few minutes of an easy and fun activity that any adult can do on a whim. The fact that my parents did the bare minimum for CPS to not get called isn't an accomplishment, they'd have done less if they could legally get away with it! What they gave me was barely enough for a dog to survive and not for a human child to thrive. If my husband treated me the way my parents do, you'd tell me to call the police on him! If they wanted me in their lives, they would have treated me better, they had decades to figure it out."

I had a friend the other day, when I was spinning over my mom's most recent "meltdown", say, "Well, she gave you life.  Nine months in the womb".     I wanted to, but didn't say, "Yeah, I've been paying for well over 9 months now.  SHE owes ME".     I realize this friend is coming from a place of being an abused daughter herself, still very much in denial.  So I can understand why she said it.  But it still hurt.

I'm just about done giving my daughter nine months in the womb. It's very intimate and I love her very much. There's a spot on my belly that she likes to kick more than any other spot and I'll always remember it.

This doesn't make her my eternal slave or a piece of property to do whatever I want with. She's a human being with rights. One of those rights is being able to choose who she associates with and doesn't associate with after turning 18 years old.

Probably the worst people to talk to about these kinds of things are people who grew up with dysfunction and are deep in denial about it. When I was making baby steps Out of the FOG, before finding a lot of content and support from communities like this, I knew someone who did the "but he's you're dad!", "but they're your parents!" thing constantly. Looking back, his family was messy... dysfunctional, although not in the same way as mine, so I didn't see it as much.

Regardless of what kind of family they come from, real friends would be able to empathize with you and wouldn't try to shame your boundaries away!

Thank you for this validation, cappy.  (Have you had your baby, yet?? ). I don't think I'll be sharing with this "friend" again any time soon. 

[mary_poppins]

I recently made the decision to cease contact with my NM. There are very few people in my life that know any details about my relationship with her, so it has been a bit of a surprise for one particular person in my life to hear that I've made this decision. I'm honestly baffled by a text from this person saying that she hopes I'll reconsider and someday make amends with my NM, giving sympathy to my mother for a very unhappy life and being incapable of making the needed changes. This person has been horrifically hurt by my mother, and I even made the mistake of trying to make up for it for years before realizing it was not my responsibility and was just part of a pattern of over-developed sense of responsibility on my part, from years of abuse from NM.

I'm looking for resources to read about how to deal with or respond (if I decided it's warranted) to people who say this sort of thing. It is incredibly triggering to hear people tell adult children of NPs that they should forgive and instead try to set boundaries. Like we haven't tried? Are you kidding? Thousands of $$ in therapist bills, hundreds of $$ in books, websites like this.... and I feel like I'm suddenly being gaslit all over again by someone who should know better... who has been told about plenty of the horrible things NM has done (and been on the receiving end of some truly awful behaviors themselves) so there isn't some sudden confusion here. I wanted to respond to the text (but haven't) asking if she would suggest I stay with an insidiously abusive partner, who I finally got the courage to leave after 4 decades? Of course not. But just because this is a mother? Good grief....I am trying not to look for offense here, but it feels like an utter lack of empathy YET AGAIN in life. I don't want to shut this person out of my life, but I am prepared to make a healthy distance, if this is how they're going to behave.

I would respond with 'Yes, she is my mother' and then change the subject. It's no one's business why I'm NC from any family member. If they make it their business, there's something wrong with them and I'd need to evaluate the relationship.

[Escaped_Goat]

Yeah, as another poster said no one would say this about an abusive spouse. But somehow they think a parent should have free reign to behave as badly as they like? Parents are just humans and as such are on a spectrum of goodness. It's ridiculous and dangerous to believe that anything other than 24/7 evil warrants keeping your distance. And as other posters say a lot of the time the sentiment is about them and not your situation.

I think i would say. 'You'll just have to trust me that I've thought about this a lot. This hasn't happened because of one instance. I can see this situation makes you feel uncomfortable for some reason but this is very much the right decision for me and my family.' If they continue the discussion after that they're very much not honouring your autonomy and I would give them less room and opportunities to access me.

[Miss Kay]

Yep, we've all heard this one and it is usually followed by an example of something their parent did or said that made them mad but they forgave them.  What I tell them is, "it's not what she did, it's who she is".  I can forgive what she did but I must protect myself from who she is.  Of course they don't get it if they've never known a parent such as ours but it leaves them something to think about while I simply change the subject.