Acting out/reactive abuse against my uNPD ex wife

[Unbroken1]

I've asked myself the question "Am I the narcissist?" for my own behavior during my relationship and marriage to my uNPD ex-wife. Having coming to the conclusion that I'm not (more likely uCPTSD), based on the information available, I still can't avoid owning up to the times I was provoked into an overly emotional response by her and was reactively abusive in return.

During our ongoing, frequently circular arguments,  I could never understand what it was that I was at fault for at any particular time, and why the conflicts kept repeating themselves despite coaching from our CBT couples therapist. After some time, I got fed up and decided that I wasn't going to cave every time we got into it. Which led to lots of loud, verbal sparring between us, ultimately with no de-escalation possible since we had both decided not to give ground. Extremely toxic dynamic. Fortunately we never had children, so none of our mutual toxicity was inflicted on anyone else.

By the time the following occurred, it was late in our marriage, and only a matter of time before the Final Discard came. I managed to give my ex the reason to end it, the ammo to punish me during the divorce, and the juicy gossip to triangulate me with afterward. And I handed it to her on a silver platter in front of 10 other people.

For some reason, still unclear to me, I told her in the middle of her book group's annual Christmas dinner that I ready to leave. This was in the middle of the main course.  I also have to note here that I was pretty drunk, which no doubt fueled the behavior. After a few minutes longer we left to everyone's confusion, I'm sure.

I was duly remorseful, asked for forgiveness which never came, and later learned an extremely painful lesson when she decided to take the low road during the divorce to punish me for my sins, the primary of which was the infamous book group dinner fiasco. When I asked her the reason for the divorce, the response was "You know why." Seemed pointless to ask for clarification, but I realize now how I did the dirty work for her by setting myself up this way.

All I can figure is that while I was consciously trying to keep the marriage from ending, subconsciously, I was undermining those efforts with my behavior. The tragic part is that I did it to myself, while providing all the evidence she would need to create the false public narrative of how the marriage ended.

I've since learned that the worst narcissistic injury that can be inflicted is to embarrass the individual with NPD. I also learned very painfully, what the price can be for doing that.

[notrightinthehead]

We have all done things we are not proud of. Seems to be part of life. I don't try to explain them anymore, I accept them as they were and try to learn the lessons I can learn from them. I no longer try to numb my emotional pain with alcohol, I use mindfulness to move through the unpleasant feelings. A relationship with a PD often leaves you damaged and there is a lot of anger, pain, and grief to be processed. I hope you are not alone working your way through.  Do you have support? People you can trust?

[Unbroken1]

Thanks for your concern. I've been  working with an online therapist for the past two years (currently on Medicaid and paying out of pocket so I can only afford 2x a month) after coming to. The realization that my LTR and marriage were with a woman who is likely uNPD was after I was not able to stop ruminating on the end and my discard, especially the lying and punitive, sadistic behavior that she engaged in when her mask was dropped. I'm still trying to accept the fact that I was duped for 23 years into believing this person was who I thought she was. Her performance would be a credit to anyone wishing to see how a covert operative does it.

I've always struggled with substances since I was 13, and started smoking weed in middle school. Fifty years later, the legalization of cannabis means I don't have to be looking over my shoulder when I indulge, but it also means access is easier and the potency has skyrocketed since the dirt weed days of the 70s. I've always been a high-functioning stoner, and at times have had Rx's for Celexa, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, all of which just made me fell dull and witless - the Wellbutrin actually made me feel cranky. I've reduced my alcohol consumption pretty drastically to 1 or 2 beers a week, down from 1 or 2 six-packs a week. My tolerance for alcohol just isn't what it used to be, which is extremely fortunate as I somaticized a lot of the toxicity of my marriage and was diagnosed with Atrial fibrillation and arthritis on the heels of my divorce. I have no doubt that it would have been a mistake to rely on her for help for anything more serious than a cold.

Had I stayed married, I'm almost certain now that my ex would have eventually managed to kill me via the proxy of her thousand verbal and emotional cuts inflicted under cover over the years. Her father died of complications from Parkinson's. Now I see him as a long-term prisoner of a freeze state brought on by his emotional terrorist wife, my MIL.

After the divorce,  I moved alone from the East Coast to the West Coast. This had been my plan before meeting my ex 30 years ago. I wanted to honor my original self before it was lost in the marriage, so I made good on that. but when I did, I left all my friends and social network behind as well. I moved to a rural area that is spectacularly beautiful but my neighborhood is one of retirees older than me and I am not ready to join the ranks of the armchair bound yet. I was on a dating site for 5 years and had one date. A couple of years ago I realized it had become a habit that I engaged in but which was leading nowhere. To make matters worse, I lived in an urban environment for years and have had to come to terms with the fact that the women I most want to date are at least an hour away in the metro area I live outside of.

Complicating that scenario is the fact that I have an avoidant personality due to the trauma of my last LTR. I also developed a group of new friends after moving. Two women I became friends with turned out to be narcissists and the friend group pretty much dropped me when I told them I had cut back on drinking. I've also been exiled from what family I have (only child of uBPD mother and uNPD father, no siblings, no children) in the metro area I live outside of. My maternal cousin who lives and rules over his clan has banned me from family gatherings since I called him out on his behavior a couple of years ago (see my post entitled "AITA for poking the narc?" elsewhere in this forum).

So yeah, I'm pretty isolated at the moment, both physically and emotionally. It got really bad during the pandemic and there would be stretches of 3-4 days when I might not speak with anyone. I think I went for 6-7 months without experiencing the touch of another person, and even then it was my doctor. I'm having a really hard time thinking that after a lifetime of being suckered by people on the N spectrum, my ability to trust my own judgement and the motivations of others is pretty low and I'm concerned that the emotional pain of another toxic relationship is going to be the last straw for my physical and emotional health.

I joined this forum to help me get my voice back. I didn't realize until recently how much I have been silenced over the course of my life by the people in whom I placed my trust and who were supposed to have my interests at heart. My parents took my agency in my childhood by gaslighting me and making me doubt myself because they were threatened by my independent nature and desire to escape the family system, for which I was treated like a traitor. My ex continued that during a decades-long process of invalidation and covert opposition and emotional withholding, as well as a campaign of reality-denying and minimization of my concerns anytime I brought something up. We were in CBT sessions together for years. What a waste of time and effort and trust it is to open oneself up and then to have your partner violate that by using your insecurities and vulnerability against you later. As a result, I now constantly am questioning the motive of anyone who wants to make my acquaintance.

I feel like I am waist-high in quicksand working through all this and TBH the idea of forcing myself to go out and meet new people is not terribly appealing  since I feel like I speak a different language now which others don't understand. I've stopped trying to describe to casual acquaintances what the whole experience of having a relationship with a personality-disordered individual is like, but after the first couple of "what, you're not over it yet?" and "just deal with it" comments, I quit.

[1footouttadefog]

I can totally understand how pent up emotions and experiences could be triggered by seeing a narc charming their crowd.   

Knowing the contrast between the home and public personas and that the negative behaviours are being turned just for you while others deserve /merit the best they can be is a huge big deal and has alot of intence emotion attached to it.

Be kind to your self.