NEx in 12 Steps and wants to "make amends"

[Hattie]

So a narcissistic guy I had a couple of flings with contacted me recently. Apparently he's doing an Al-Anon programme and has gotten to a step in the programme that involves "making amends" to those he's wronged. He wants to meet me for a coffee to do so. ALL the alarm bells went off, and I felt incredibly anxious. He's previously used "apologising" as a ruse to hoover me back into his web. Anyway I told him I wasn't interested and blocked him. Has anyone run into anything like this?!! I feel sort of bad as maybe he is trying to better himself. It just felt off though, and the way he expressed the request made me feel it was all about him.

[hhaw]

 Listen to your alarm bells. 

Yu don't owe the PD anything. Nothing at all is more than you have to give.

[Boat Babe]

Not a 12 steps expert but the "making amends" step is super clear about it being appropriate and not harmful.  The 12 step program does not fail the person doing it if one of their people they have hurt does not wish to engage. That's all on them   If he's genuine he has to accept that and move on in his process. No guilt on your part.

[blunk]

I'm smelling some serious BS here if he is claiming to be attending Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for family members of alcoholics, not for those who are recovering.

[Catothecat]

Long ago I was in ACOA which is an AA-sponsored group and uses the 12 steps for recovery.  There's a term called "dry drunk" which means the person is still exhibiting the same behaviors they did while drinking or in a relationship with someone who was.  It wasn't unusual to encounter someone who was working the steps and working on themselves to also be a "dry drunk" and somewhat oblivious about it.  So I think your instinct that he's simply found a "reasonable" excuse to get back with you is correct.  Using the steps to manipulate people is absolutely a thing.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm smelling some serious BS here if he is claiming to be attending Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for family members of alcoholics, not for those who are recovering.

Good catch. It's also telling if the request is repeated. I've been on the receiving end of one of these before and chose not to engage. It was not a family member situation, and I do think this person was genuine. However, I just wasn't interested in revisiting that relationship. She accepted that and didn't push it. Acceptance is part of the steps. If you give no response and then he pokes you again, I think you can take that as confirmation of your instinct.

[Hattie]

Thanks everyone. Informative as always. So to clarify, he's not a drinker himself, but has started going to ACOA (I think it's his dad who was the alcoholic). So he's working the ACOA 12 steps.

Very helpful to have it clarified that if I refuse to participate, he just has to accept that but can still continue with the programme. Makes sense.

This guy is kind of confusing as he's a lot more introspective than most of the people I've encountered who displays narc behaviors. I think he genuinely does want to recover from his trauma stuff, but my feeling is that his capacity for empathy is pretty limited and that he just doesn't get the effects of his behaviour on me. He knows it's generally wrong but just can't really understand it in any detail. So the suggestion he's exhibiting "dry drunk" behaviors makes sense.

He's part of my friendship group which makes it impossible to go NC with him. But I think I need to maintain strong boundaries with him. We have a lot of sexual chemistry and he leverages that to manipulate me.

Thanks for sharing that you've received such a request, Cordelia, but didn't participate. That's how I feel about it too; no desire to revisit it.

[Starboard Song]

So a narcissistic guy I had a couple of flings with contacted me recently. Apparently he's doing an Al-Anon programme and has gotten to a step in the programme that involves "making amends" to those he's wronged. He wants to meet me for a coffee to do so.

Whether or not you join him really has nothing at all to do with whether he is sincere, or trying to better himself. This is of course a real step in the 12-step programs. They really do want folks to make amends. That NEVER drafts you into engagement.

If you decide to contact him at all, I'd encourage you to simply explain that there are no amends to make. It sounds like he is trying to improve himself and you wish him all the best. But you were now in a new space with new interests and don't need any amends made.

[Hattie]

Thanks Starboard Song. It's not quite that simple as I am still angry with him when I think about how he treated me. I just don't feel there's any point explaining it to him due to his lack of empathy. I tried before and it didn't really work.

But I have moved on in the sense that I hadn't thought about any of this for months until he brought it up again...

[Starboard Song]

Thanks Starboard Song. It's not quite that simple as I am still angry with him when I think about how he treated me. I just don't feel there's any point explaining it to him due to his lack of empathy. I tried before and it didn't really work.

Agreed. And please don't mistake me: I don't think you owe him anything at all. Not a single word.

But your goal is to obtain peace for yourself. If you feel troubled by silence and blocking him, then you want simple communications that will get you that peace: not honest ones digging into the past. Saying "there are no amends to make" only means there is nothing you want from him (other than silence and walking away." And saying "I wish you all the best" is a throw-away courtesy that has tremendous power to diffuse tension. It amounts to, "you're great, it's all good, now bye-bye."

However you handle it, you only owe yourself. Focus on what you want to accomplish.

Good luck.

Be good. Be strong.

[moglow]

Saying "there are no amends to make" only means there is nothing you want from him (other than silence and walking away." And saying "I wish you all the best" is a throw-away courtesy that has tremendous power to diffuse tension. It amounts to, "you're great, it's all good, now bye-bye."

Exactly this - his desire to make amends is all on him and is not contingent on your agreement. Maybe he sees he did you wrong, maybe not. But if you've made it clear you want no part of it and he keeps pushing, that's all on him. That's not making amends but rather adding insult to injury by disregarding your clear wishes.

Too many think we all have to "stay friends" [when we never really were] and play along for everyone else's comfort, even knowing we were badly hurt by their actions. He can better himself without you.
An old friend used to say "a hoover doesn't work if we don't plug it in" - don't attach yourself to anything he says. You've already seen who he is. 

[xredshoesx]

it's completely ok to wish him well in his recovery and not agree to meet up if you feel you need to reply to his request.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hattie, I've been in 12 Step over half my life and worked the amends step many times.  For someone who is serious about program, there is absolutely no "hampering" of their recovery if you don't want to hear an amend or respond to them at all.  The recovery is in their willingness to make it right if they could.  Program makes it very clear the recovering person is to expect nothing of the other.  Taking responsibility for their own recovery regardless of what anyone else does or does not do is a key aspect.

From the original step as it was written:  "Some people cannot be seen . . ."  "there may be wrongs we can never fully right.  We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would.. if we could."  "Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing ... It should not matter, though, if someone does throw us out of his office.  We have made our demonstration, done our part.  It's water over the dam."

It's possible no reply will be the best message and help you can give to him.  Then if he does have mixed motives, maybe without even being aware of them, they might come to his attention and become something he can bring to his recovery effort.  In any case, everyone, including him, will be best served by your taking care of yourself.  Besides, if something smells fishy, there's a good chance it is.

[BeautifulCrazy]

 

Very well and succinctly put, Lookin 2!