I just don't....

[Pepin]

like myself.  This has been an ongoing issue for me.  When I am feeling down I feel ugly and unlovable.  I look in the mirror and am unhappy with what I see.  For those in my life including DH, I don't understand what they see in me.  I'm always studying people around me and finding such incredibly redeeming qualities about them that I don't know how to do for myself.  How can I work on myself?  I feel terribly neglected and know that only I can bring myself change.

Many of you know that my CN MIL died earlier this year and the energy it took to deal with her in my life has had me feeling just broken.  It wasn't a magical transformation for me when she passed where everything went poof.  A lot of things I had shoved away for later are coming through that now I must deal with.

Over the years I think I "uglied" myself as a way of trying to remain invisible to her -- that she would leave me alone.  I began dressing more mundane and generally only wear dark colors.  I just can't wear bright, happy colors or prints of any kind anymore.  I didn't want to wear anything that would attract attention to me.....nothing fun or terribly feminine.  I stick to conservative and classic clothing.  This way of dressing has made me feel safe.....yet now I feel sad for myself looking like this.  My entire wardrobe has been converted to dark colors over the years...that is all I own now.

How do I start taking steps to break from this?  I even feel bad spending money on myself....stopped coloring my hair years ago as well but I do get regular haircuts.  I do wear makeup and take care of my face....I do pedicures in the summer but not manicures as I am too rough on my hands for that.

I just want to have fun like I used to...and I need help dressing for my age and body type.  Any recommendations? 

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's hard to know what to recommend without seeing you. There are definitely books in the library on dressing well for your body type. But I so hear you on feeling bad spending money on yourself. Especially if you can't remember what you even like.

I wonder if it would be more comfortable taking baby steps with things you're already doing. Maybe your next pedicure can be in your favorite color. Or you could add color with a scarf or piece of jewelry.

A low-investment way to add to your wardrobe and try out different looks is going to thrift stores. It's quite trendy now, with sustainability being such a big deal. Some of my favorite things in my wardrobe are secondhand. And if you get tired of it, or it isn't you, it can go back to Goodwill without any guilt.

[notrightinthehead]

I was like that in the late stages of my marriage. I realize I cannot be the person again I was before all the hurt, pain, and resentment happened. But I don't have to remain in this dark hole either.  What helps me: I put on my headphones when doing housework and listen to positive affirmations/ self love affirmations on YouTube. I attended CoDA meetings. I notice my self talk and ask myself to be kinder. I go to gym three times a week, even if I don't feel like it.  I have removed some items from my wardrobe - I had to ask my daughter for help, because I could not decide- and replaced them with better fitting, more colorful ones. I found a store where they have flattering mirrors, trying clothes on isn't so humiliating there.  Most of all - looking inwards, what I do, say, think, feel, want and not outward, and every time I find myself reading thoughts, thinking about others and the pain they have caused me, I make an effort and turn my focus back on myself. Good luck to you!

[Pepin]

I realize I cannot be the person again I was before all the hurt, pain, and resentment happened. But I don't have to remain in this dark hole either. 

Yep....that's totally where I'm at.  That version of myself is no more and at my age I couldn't go back to that.  I do feel safe in my dark clothes...and there is no doubt that it was a good choice that I made for myself...but sometimes it seems limiting.  It is very easy for me to get dressed and I don't have to think about it.

The other side of this that I need to work on however is the fit.  I failed to mention that I also started covering up more and wearing roomier tops.  Definitely over the last 7 years, my body has grown into these tops  and I am very disappointed in that.  While I have been keeping active and working out, it seems that it hasn't helped much.  I've gained about 15 lbs. and I cannot get it off.  It doesn't help that I've become an emotional eater due to being depressed and tired -- I eat when I am tired -- and after I work out I'm even more tired and then eat more.  It is a terrible cycle.

I'll never forget a few years ago when CN MIL had a health setback and basically started denying herself food.  She admitted that because she wasn't mobile much that she didn't want to get FAT and that's why she stopped eating normal portions of food.  As a result she was tired and clumsy and extra waify with DH. 

I refer to this example because in her culture she thinks that food equates love.  I don't align with this at all.  Food is not love when it means pushing it on people to plump them up so that the one pushing the food can feel slimmer, which is exactly what she did.  Failing to verbally communicate love and replacing it with food gets a big fat zero in my book, therefore food doesn't equate love.  It is a nourishment.  And she reinforced this notion with the example of denying herself.  She used to push food on me all the time.....eat more, take more, go ahead, too skinny, etc. this monotonous and annoying verbal garbage at every meal she was present at.  I was so tired of it that I guess I just started dressing the way that I did to get her off my back.  And then I started eating more because of the depression and fatigue from having her in my life.

So much to work on.....one layer at a time.

[notrightinthehead]

Recently I found podcasts from food addicts recovered. And I am not saying that you have this problem. Listening to these heartwarming life stories has given me some insights into my relationship with food. I also associate food with love, comfort, reward. I eat when I am angry, sad, frustrated, and need to reward myself. In my family one would feel a failure if any guest left before they had a minor stomach enlargement.  Since I listened to these podcasts I have realized a lot about my subconscious attitude to food.

[NarcKiddo]

Keeping active and working out is great for the psyche and for general health. For losing weight it is next to useless, although it comes into its own again once you have lost the weight and want to be able to eat a reasonable amount at your new weight.

Since you know you are an emotional eater, maybe the first thing to do is to identify what you reach for out of habit or laziness and what you reach for as a "treat". Then work out what you can replace those things with that will be lower in calories and likely more nutritious.

At my heaviest I utterly hated clothes shopping and that did not change one iota until I became happy with my weight again. The amount of weight I lost meant I had to buy various interim outfits but I didn't bother much about what they looked like (so long as they were suitable for my purposes and any occasion I was attending) and went for something reasonably cheap. By all means go out and buy clothes you love if you find you enjoy doing that, but since you identify weight as an issue you might want to address that first. I know it is totally not in vogue to address weight concerns, and of course your size does not relate in any way to your qualities as a human being, but I know from myself that I really did not enjoy anything about being as heavy as I was.

[bloomie]

Pepin - what you are describing... doing your best to fly under your mil's radar by adjusting your appearance and possibly (?) even tamping down your true personality, opinions, disguising yourself in a way to avoid targeting makes absolute sense to me.

From all I can tell, having followed along with you on your journey here, you have been in survival mode for many years living with the specter of a disordered, selfseeking woman who wielded much power over your life. Someone you didn't choose and couldn't escape from despite your best efforts to mitigate the harm she was doing to your FOC.

This is the aftermath of living in an atmosphere of risk for years, I believe. It breaks my heart for you that you are experiencing this.

A couple of suggestions.... think about a complete physical with blood work to see where your body is at if you haven't done that already and if you do not have a mentor or someone you can trust to meet with regularly and work through this stuff with it might do a world of good.

Another idea is to have a friend or family member who is positive and has a fun style help you work with what you have, clothing wise, to liven up your look and see things with new perspective. And when you are ready, do a tiny bit of shopping somewhere you can get encouragement and help putting things together and finding pieces you love and feel good in.

A very sensitive person, such as yourself, living with an atmosphere of pervasive, invasive criticism, rivalry, and oneupmanship takes a huge toll. Whatever it takes to break free and begin to really breathe deeply and live fully again... do that! And we are here cheering you on!!!

[Pepin]

From all I can tell, having followed along with you on your journey here, you have been in survival mode for many years living with the specter of a disordered, selfseeking woman who wielded much power over your life. Someone you didn't choose and couldn't escape from despite your best efforts to mitigate the harm she was doing to your FOC.

Thank you, Bloomie for pointing this out.  Survival mode has been my life for years after exposing CN MIL.  She was an unchosen individual that I truly had no means of removing from my life unless I wanted to pay additionally and lose so much more.  Instead, I took it out on myself in hopes that she would leave me alone.

I am currently still very emotional however about DH and his role - as I waver between understanding that he just didn't know what was going on and also that he did know and remained quiet.  The latter bothers me a lot and there is going to be friction around that for me until I can formulate some sort of resolve.  What I notice from that is that over the years, when DH has been on travel for work or just out of the house, how much better my environment feels.  I don't actually miss him like I used to earlier in our marriage.  I almost feel relief when he is gone and I am incredibly productive -- and the best part of all, I eat less.  When he is around, I think I feel uncomfortable and eat more.  He is the man I married and believed that I had made the right choice, that he would side with me and that we would be inseparable.  That he grew closer to his mother during our marriage was an undeniable betrayal to me.  And I've been so mean to myself because of what he did - whether he really knew or not what he was doing.

Looking back, all the tears, anger, antidepressants, therapists, the hopelessness....were because I was struggling to cope with things in my marriage that were out of my control and that I hadn't signed up for.  Now that CN MIL is gone, I look at DH with such irritation and even though I know him, I feel like I don't know him.  He feels like a stranger and out of fear, since I don't know what is next, I eat too much when he is around.

Now is a gray area....as I try and untangle things and decide what to keep as I move forward.  All I know is that I need a refresh...

[1footouttadefog]

I had a rough couple of years and emerged looking very different.  My skin, my hair, gained weight etc.   I also noticed my dress habits had changed and I am not happy with my appearance. 

Here is my plan of action so far.

I got rid of a huge amount of my clothing.  Stuff that has not been in use and donated it.  I bought myself some new pajamas to start.  I went crazy with them because i can enjoy this privately in my own home.

I went to a thrift store bag sale (2. For a grocery sack) and bought blouses and tops I would not normally take a chance on.  I avoided buying my usual button up oxford LL bean type  shirts.  I got different styles and fabrics. 

I have experimented with these wearing them to Dollar General and the gas station.  Low cost clothes and low cost interactions.

I found a couple new things that work for me that will inform future purchases and it only cost me 2.00 to experiment. 

I am eating better again even if not perfectly and getting better sleep.  I invested some money in some quality supplements and trying to decide how to work more exercise into my life.  I think I will join a 24hour gym.  That way my schedule won't matter. 

Getting better sleep is already making a difference for me.  I look less bloated and my facial skin is improving. 

I will be getting new glasses soon.  My kid broke my good ones and I have been wearing some really outdated nasty looking glasses with coatings peeling off of them and the metal frames are corroded.  (But blessed to have them as spares KWIM)

I am taking a renewed interest in cooking again and am prepping salads and veggies sticks for snacks.  Veggie gardening helps as I enjoy eating what comes from the garden and it challenges my cooking to use it up. 

I have identified a couple of acid reflux triggers and also believe I might have a hiatal hernia.  I found YouTube videos that help interms of exercises that can move stomach back into place.  I learned that if it's up over the diaphragm and you have  gas etc trapped it can press on the vagas nerve and being on huge anxiety and make it harder to breath.  I eat smaller meals and act faster to negate any gas now and alot of the anxiety symptoms and feeling like I can't breath right have subsided no thanks to my docs.  In the mean time the heart stress test I had as a result of visiting doc came out good so that relieved some anxiety about what might be going on with my health.

I feel confident I can turn my health and we'll being around mostly over time.  I hope you find some solutions for yourself
Keep believing in Yourself and don't wait until you feel better to start your journey to better well being.     

[Starboard Song]

When I am feeling down I feel ugly and unlovable.  I look in the mirror and am unhappy with what I see.  For those in my life including DH, I don't understand what they see in me.  I'm always studying people around me and finding such incredibly redeeming qualities about them that I don't know how to do for myself.  How can I work on myself? 

You ask two very different questions in this post. The one you back up is this one.

I want to share with you something from my home, as introduction. We discovered this in the last couple years. My wife never feels safe in social situations, even with good and dear friends. I always feel safe in social situations, even when they are plainly hostile or risky (like challenging work situations). I was raised by two of the finest people to ever walk the earth, and maybe they gave me this strength. I ain't perfect, but I look at my plainly inadequate body and face with zero scorn.

The books in the top line of my signature were the ones my wife found helped her the most as she began to heal. Radical Acceptance and Self Compassion are the strong pair, that cover so much. Radical Acceptance, to me, was incomprehensible. It described a struggle I couldn't even fathom. Self Compassion I totally got.

Please set aside the mirror, and consider sitting down with two people, separately. Your husband, probably, and a close friend. Consider sharing with each these feelings, and asking them to just talk you through it. When these conversations are over, you are going to face a tough decision, I suspect: whether to trust them or yourself.

You began your post with the acknowledgement that you are not a reliable witness: When I am down, you wrote. That says a great deal to me. Take a long deep moment to reflect on that. When you are down. I wish for you the confidence of gods. But until you get there, you deserve some peace. Please check out Self Compassion and Radical Acceptance.

Be good (we know you are). Be strong (we know you can be).