Such a weird weekend - volatility

[11JB68]

Such a weird weekend
uPDh is not quite as volatile as he used to be - I think partly he is trying to control his behavior (lightbulb: he CAN control it - at least to a degree) since his heart attack; but also due in large part to my use of MC and no-JADE.
But this weekeend, yeesh. We've been talking about possibly downsizing our home; we visited DS out of state yesterday; last minute uPDh got a work-related email from a client etc. So - normal stressors for most of us -but for him this constitutes too much stress.
Re downsizing - he is cleaning out/reorganizing some of his 'stuff'. He keeps everything. Early in our relationship I had been very (IDK effusive, always giving cards etc, writing him nice stuff etc.)... I was young, and I didn't know then what I know now
At some point I stopped all that. 1) he stopped reciprocating (yes, early on he hoovered big time, brought me flowers every friday, etc etc); 2) he actually got angry at me once for giving him a card because he didn't give cards so I was 'making him feel guilty!'; 3) further down the road, I really stopped feeling those things anyway...
So he's going through all these cards and getting emotional and nostalgic etc. So he presents me with this poem that he's suddenly sat down and written  - all about how he used to do all these things and sort of how he regrets not doing them anymore, and how we've fought too much, etc etc but 'we've gotten through it all together' etc etc.
(I mean, this is the type of thing where I feel like I'm seeing some BPD traits in him - this sort of teenage girl/romanticizing/hoovering type behavior)
Well as much as I've 'trained' myself NOT to cry, i teared up reading this. NOT (as he suspected) because it made me feel LOVE etc, but because it drove home how disappointing the whole relationship is. And he literally explained the no more flowers thing as 1) well he doesn't go anywhere/doesn't leave the house - whereas at college the flower stand was ON HIS WAY back to the dorm (well, what about all the years he DID work outside the home? He didn't go by a flower place? uh-uh....) and 2) basically said he 'got lazy' (that's more like it, lazy and cheap and really doesn't care).
THEN we are doing our books and he is talking about how we have to watch our money for a while and 'so if I give you a hard time if you ask me to spend $20 on something, well it's just for now' etc. (I mean....this is our whole marriage this BS. Except when HE decides we are 'flush' with money and HE wants to spend it to show off somehow)
Then Sunday- he comes up with two random things that HE WANTS (wants not needs) and tries to justify how I should get them for him (uh-uh)
He was super bossy to me on Saturday AND on Sun am
Traffic was awful - trip to DS took longer than usual
On the way home we listened to a podcast about a band he likes - got home he is complaining about the ride hurting his back 'oh, my back hurts' etc - then we have to watch a 1/2 hour you tube thing about the topic of the podcast....then he gets up and (I thought he went out for a cigarette) after a few minutes I get up to go do laundry - he is in the basement - searching for CDs of the band in question (and I'm thinking...huh...thought your back was so sore but here you are stooping/reaching/standing/sorting cds etc??) he asks me do I have any of this band's cds in my car (me: IDK.....and I go do laundry)
Later he gives me crap about how he's had a long day and I should have helped him instead of just 'sitting and looking at my phone' did I go look in my car for CDs? (NO - 1) it's a f'n thunder storm out there and 2) I doubt I have any)
Then complains about his back again and how looking for the CDs "didn't help it" (well, duh, why did you do that then??) (CUZ OCPD can't let it go!)
I MCd most of this stuff which is the only reason why none of it blew up in my face.

[Kitbit]

So sorry this is happening to you. I can relate, as I'm experiencing a period of volatility as well. Sounds like you're doing well with MC and no-JADE. It is hard when you have property in common, because there is really a need to have some of your needs met. I have issues with someone who keeps everything, or becomes super touchy about stuff, repairs around the house, etc. I think it is just a means for them to control their world externally. But then everything becomes supercharged. Is there anything that has worked well for you in the past? I know sometimes time away can act as a reset in my case, not sure how it works with others. He needs time to reflect on his behaviour and come back with a different attitude. It's really tricky. If you can be doing something in another room that is "productive" and unlikely to trigger him, at least you will be out of range from the nasty comments and attempts to pull you in. Of course you have to do this with the MC tactic as well.

[11JB68]

Some more thoughts on this now that I typed it out and walked away for a few minutes
Several layers of why/how this type of thing bothers me
1) it's like a very fast-cycling hoover/discard cycle - very off putting/puts me off-balance (less so now that I'm aware, at least partially Out of the FOG, and utilizing tool box)
2) it's the ever-present issue of the double standards in our relationship -
1. if I wanted to listen to a podcast about a band I like he wouldn't, or at least would make fun of it, or if he agreed, would pretty quickly lose interest and put an end to it
2. IF we listened to a podcast about a band I like - if I THEN wanted to come home and put on a you tube video for a 1/2 hour about them, he would be REALLY irritated, and if he put up with it at all would quickly say 'okay that's enough of that!' and change the channel
3. if I THEN got up and walked out of the room and went to the basement to engage in something interesting to me without a word to him - he would be totally angry about that  - and CERTAINLY would have no interest in helping me (plus, what, I was supposed to read his mind, that he wanted me to help him with this obsessive task??)
4. if I ALSO expressed wanting a CD of that band (because OMG I didn't know that one existed, and I should have ALL of them) he'd be like, no that's a waste of money
4.a. add to above about the CDs....he also complained about our stereo/multi-cd player how it doesn't meet his expectations/needs (nothing ever does, including me) and he wants to just be able to 'hit a button and listen to this band, and can I make that happen, ha ha'. Well first of all - there is a very nice under-counter cd player in the basement that was my xmas or bday present (to myself, since he doesn't shop for me) one year, that is new in packaging because he couldn't be bothered to install it for me and wouldn't allow me to do it myself since that's a 'man's job' and second, the last time he asked my advice about listening to music and I suggested Spotify he got annoyed/angry about that since that is something he's not familiar with and doesn't want to learn about.

[square]

Our husbands have different ways but the double standards really get to me too. In fact, it's the bottom line for me.

I could probably somehow deal with the rages and BS if he also felt required to soothe me through all my rages. But I can't even be mildly disappointed in something. Otherwise I'll have to pay. With his raging.

If I could give him nasty putdowns and he would feel chastised, I could deal with getting them better.

If only I could have a stress meltdown while he scurried around soothing me and solving problems. Sure, I could take my turn at bat too.

If only I could blame him for everything while he calmly MCd me.

[Kitbit]

This is so true. I have learned that I cannot be stressed about anything. If I am, he takes it as an insult or criticism (narcissistic injury). It's strange how well I have learned not to display negative emotion. On the other hand I have a hard time doing no-JADE. Really have to work on that around him. It is such a double standard. The slightest thing and he explodes - meanwhile I have to have superhuman powers of self-control.

[11JB68]

And tonight he was surprisingly apologetic for being cranky last night,  and said he Really doesn't need that cd....

[Jpmom3575]

Oy very the double standard....the expectation that we will allow them to spew toxic sludge all over at us, at any time and for ANY reason (including a complete made up thought that they had about something that DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN). We will just take this and deal with it because we'll that's our JOB.

But dear God let us even show a single sign of being tired and it is an all out war because how dare we hurt them like that or "try to start a fight over nothing".

It is exhausting and I am sorry any of us deal with this regularly.

[notrightinthehead]

And tonight he was surprisingly apologetic for being cranky last night,  and said he Really doesn't need that cd....

Could it be that your medium chill and non JADE is working? Hopefully you are in for a calmer home environment. Keep it up!