Obligation and no contact

[Associate of Daniel]

One good thing that came out of Covid is that I didn't have to have as much contact with uNPD exH and his uNPD wife (ds15's smother).  Covid, and that ds is now older and not needing his parents to communicate as much for him.

It's been a few years of good healing for me.  One of the best parts was that I essentially went no contact with Ds's smother.

Lately she's been fishing for contact.

A random text on Mothers' Day saying she deserves just as much recognition as a stepmom as I do as his biological mum.  I didn't respond. 

An email (supposedly from uNPD exH, but obviously written by her), telling me I should attend Ds's weekly game on a particular weekend. (Long back story there.). I didn't respond.

Another email supposedly from uNPD exH, informing me of an upcoming routine medical appointment for ds.  He's not bothered informing for for over 2 years, despite court orders telling us to do so.  Why start now?

A few other things.  And now, a text (to anyone outside the situation it would appear to be her being friendly and helpful) in response to a post I put on instagram. (I've since discovered that my account is not private as I thought it was.  I've now rectified that situation.)

If I don't respond, she'll tell ds "See.  I'm being nice and your mum is being rude by not responding."

I'm feeling obligated to respond with thanks.  It's the normal, polite thing to do.  But it will only open the door for her to demand more attention.  I don't want to go there.

I've worked really hard to come to a place of acceptance of the situation.  But for some reason, now the world has opened up again and there are more opportunities for us to see each other at Ds's activities, I am even more "afraid" to be anywhere near her.

Will I ever get to a point where I don't feel that way?

I really want to tell ds that I don't hate his smother.  (I don't.) But it's that I don't feel that she is a safe person for me to have anything to do with.  I also want to tell him that I'm not the only one who feels that way about her and ask him to think about who the common denominator is in those broken relationships. (She is.)

He's quite mature for his age in some respects but he still is quite enamoured with her. 

Do you think there is ever a time to tell a child that?  Or should I just continue to let him find out on his own and be there to pick up the pieces when he works it out?

AOD

[Starboard Song]

I really want to tell ds that I don't hate his smother.  (I don't.) But it's that I don't feel that she is a safe person for me to have anything to do with.  I also want to tell him that I'm not the only one who feels that way about her and ask him to think about who the common denominator is in those broken relationships. (She is.)

He's quite mature for his age in some respects but he still is quite enamoured with her. 

Do you think there is ever a time to tell a child that?  Or should I just continue to let him find out on his own and be there to pick up the pieces when he works it out?

I think we always have to share real, age-appropriate details. I think we should avoid any metaphorical language. If you were to say that you don't think she is a "safe person" to be around, that is hard to interpret. You don't mean she'd attack you, or injure you physically or steal from you, for instance. I don't really know what is age appropriate: it is all so subjective.

But when my DS was 13 a counselor advised us to say something about like this: "Grandma and Grandpa are very angry over [that thing]. We've apologized. They say they no longer want to interact with us at all. You've done nothing wrong. They love you and want to see you but not us. That is not a thing that loving families ever do. And it is not a thing that responsible parents can ever allow."

He advised us to avoid ugly details but express things in plan language: "for a few years now, Grandma has struggled to be kind. Now they are rejecting us. We can no longer be hurt and rejected by them. For now, that means...."

I don't know how well we did. He's almost 20 now and this remains a big deal to him. But he has no desire to contact them. Good luck. It breaks my heart.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Starboard.

Yes, the grandparents thing is very difficult.

Thankfully my ds15 has a very good relationship with my parents.

However, his UNPD father a few years ago  cut contact with his parents and refuses to let ds see them unless it is with ds's uNPD smother.

They met once in a coffee shop.  Both ds and his nan said, "Never again.".

UNPD smother made the experience extremely uncomfortable. His Nan said she didn't want to put ds through that again. I can also see that the stress caused by uNPD smother was being detrimental to nan's physical and mental health.

Ds and his nan desperately want to see each other but not with his UNPD smother.

Since that visit we've had many long Covid shut downs that meant they couldn't see each other anyway.

So I'm not the only one who has safety issues with ds's uNPD smother.

I did respond to the "friendly" text.  Just "Thanks."

And, as I expected, she immediately texted back offering more "help".

Well, whoops.  That 2nd text has been missed amid a particularly long list of work texts since that day.

I don't intend to respond even though I feel and look rude by not replying.

The difficulty I have is that we have a few weekends coming up where we are likely to cross paths and I know she will approach me about this subject I posted on Instagram. If not that, then she'll probably demand explanations as to why I don't respond to her communications.

Just aagghh!!!

AOD