Opinions about FIL and DD

[losingmyself]

Is it wrong for me to basically keep DD away from FIL?
She was here for a visit, and I didn't tell FIL. Or any of the IL's. They are rude and just basically not people I think she'll go away from feeling good. FIL says rude, inappropriate things, and the rest of them just make him feel like he's the whole bag of chips. He never has anything nice to say about her, gleaning all this information off of the bad things that H says to him about her, so I say why should he even want to see her?
She mentioned while she was here that she hasn't seen him for a long time, and I didn't really say anything. I'll talk to her about it. I'm sure she misses our niece, the smartest person in the group (she's 12)
He acts like this, then wonders why he doesn't have a relationship with any of his grandkids. There's a couple of them in this town we live in, and they have kids, but their only contact with him is if they run into him somewhere by accident.
Whose fault is that???
Anyway. I'm ranting. I just wanted to know if it was up to me to make this decision. DD is 20 y.o.

[hhaw]

lm:

It's not your resonsibility to make that decision for your grown dd.  She's not a child... she's an adult dd.

What would be useful, IME, is to give her information so she can make her own choices based on facts, then release expectation and outcome.

Accept her grandfather is toxic and flawed, but it's up to dd20 to make the choices around visitation and what she's going to do with that relationship.

It's OK if she suffers a bit while figuring it out.  You can't and shouldn't protect her from discomfort in her life.  She has to learn how to deal with discomfort and get herself back to center.... same as you.

It's more useful to express confidence dd20's ability to understand and figure out her own problems in order to solve them for herself.  Believe in her.  Tell her you have confidence in her ability to take care of herself and make wise decisions.

She might see her Grandfather and get hurt.  That might be a lesson she has to go through in order to understand. Maybe she won;t figure it out very quickly and that has to be OK too.  I know it's difficult, but it's still OK. 

One piece of advice is to always speak about the PDs in your lives with compassion..... skip judgment and name calling or labeling with psych terms and simply list the facts without getting upset..... and maybe make sure most of those facts can be backed up by evidnece and maybe have it handy as you walk your dd through the story without expectation or judgment.  I find having a notebook with the best evidence all pulled together is an effective tool when speaking about PDs and their behaviors so one can be heard and understood with economy of motion.  It helps.

Accept DD is grown and responsible for herself, her feelings and resolving problems that you;re no longer responsible for.

If you do some reasearch on co dependence you'll learn that you can be OK, even when your children aren't OK.... you can resist getting dragged into their emotional whirwind in order to  remain level and more responsive and able to respond so you're as helpful as can be managed.

If yuo get sucked into their emotional whirlwhind, you're reactive and flipped into fight or flight with your dd, and that's not a good place to help anyone.

It's OK and even if it's not OK, losingmuself...
it's going to be OK.

[losingmyself]

Thanks, HHaw.
I guess I'm being codependent, trying to make sure my kids are ok. Maybe because I didn't when they were younger, trying to make up for it.  You're right, I can't, and they're grown people who have to figure things out for themselves.
Also, maybe punishing FIL a little for his behavior by not including him. Again, not my job. It's so hard to let go, and see them get hurt, though. My job now is to be there for them to talk to about it and offer advice.
I will talk to her about it and let her make this decision next time she's here.  FIL is nicer to DS when he sees him, although he says some crappy things about him in his absence, also.
He's homophobic, and DD is bisexual, so she's like a perfect target for him. It does feel like throwing her in the lions pit, though.
He's also not her bio grandfather, he's  my H's dad, and she has never considered him her GF. He's just this guy who thinks he can say any shitty thing he wants, and his grown kids will laugh.

[moglow]

Losingmyself, if it helps, remind yourself she's an adult - if she wanted to see him she would, with or without you. You weren't hiding anything from him, you just chose to not make an issue of it. For that matter if he were interested in seeing her, he'd ask about her or possibly make contact with her himself. Apparently that isn't happening either. Her sexuality [or anyone else's] is frankly none of his business and for most normal people is a nonissue anyway. What possible need has he for that information?

I'm a firm behavior that as parents/family "elders" it's our responsibility to look out for the best interests of children under our charge [for me it's been the nieces and nephews since I'm not myself a parent]. As the adults it's up to us to help form and nurture those relationships until said children become adults - if the grands simply aren't interested, what else are we to do??

[losingmyself]

Thanks Moglow.
I was just thinking, if I ask her and she says she'd like to see him, how would that look? I guess a restaurant that we can leave if he gets too weird.
I've never had people in my life that I have had to make an escape plan around. How terrible.
And like his son, he just doesn't get it.
Thank you for the great advice. You both made me feel better

[hhaw]

Thanks, HHaw.
I guess I'm being codependent, trying to make sure my kids are ok. Maybe because I didn't when they were younger, trying to make up for it.  You're right, I can't, and they're grown people who have to figure things out for themselves.
Also, maybe punishing FIL a little for his behavior by not including him. Again, not my job. It's so hard to let go, and see them get hurt, though. My job now is to be there for them to talk to about it and offer advice.
I will talk to her about it and let her make this decision next time she's here.  FIL is nicer to DS when he sees him, although he says some crappy things about him in his absence, also.
He's homophobic, and DD is bisexual, so she's like a perfect target for him. It does feel like throwing her in the lions pit, though.
He's also not her bio grandfather, he's  my H's dad, and she has never considered him her GF. He's just this guy who thinks he can say any shitty thing he wants, and his grown kids will laugh.

losingmyself:

You did the best you could, always.  You deserve to forgive yourself and show your children how to forgive themselves. Show them ow to extend self compassion and drop judgment and expectation so you can really BE PRESENT for the joy that's right in front of you. 

The past is gone and the future will never arrive.... it's always today.... there's only ever this moment and that';s the truth for us all.

If you find a way to process your trauma, you'll stand a very good chance of enjoying the rest of your life with your kids and whomever else you share it with. 

If you keep experiencing the guilt and regret of the past.... continue mourning it over and over.... there  isn't much room for anything else, IME.

Getting out of our own way takes help, at least in my case, it did and if I was staring over I'd seek out several trauma informed Therapists, pehaps specializing in AIT ADVANCED INTEGRATIVE THERAPY and I'd fearlessly throw myself into it for 7 weeks straight with a standing appointment.  Maybe I'd take it 2 hours at a time..... in fact, I know I would.

Good luck and give yourself a break. 


PS  I wouldn't facilitate a relationship between my children and people we need to formulate an escape plan for.  I understand wanting to be there to buffer and protect, but does your dd really want to see this guy or was she just asking about him in passing?

[losingmyself]

It was kind of in passing, HHaw.
It might have been for the benefit of H, also. Because I know that she knows how he is. But, like me, she might think she can give him another chance, and maybe he wasn't so unpleasant. But  since it's been mentioned, I do think that she would have extended a desire to ask him over for a visit, if it was what she wanted. The thing I am very proud of in her is that she's not afraid to say what she feels. She does have a tendency to overreact, but she's young. She also can go down a very dark hole very quickly. Which is why I would rather just not have him around her.
I don't want to have ME around him most of the time.
And, oh, how I would love to find a therapist. There's so many hurdles to that. I don't know if I can get over them. I have never really been able to talk to anyone about my troubles, even my sisters who would be so disappointed that I struggled for so long and never told them.
Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

[hhaw]

I hope you find a Therapist you trust and that you process all your trauma out of your brain and body, bc you deserve those things.  The help and the relief.

Hopefully your T practices AIT (ADVANCED INTEGRATIVE THERAPY), bc my T and I both have very good results with that.  Not that it's the only way to process trauma, bc it's not.... EMDR, ART therapy and TAPPING all worked well for me.  They just didn't work as fast and with such amazing economy of motion.

Good luck.