Anyone else's PD "an outcast" and "no one ever wants to be their friend"?

[easterncappy]

I make a lot of threads, I know, but I'm just now figuring out that some of my mom's quirks establish a pattern and are common in other people. It's a tad overwhelming.

I saw a meme a couple of weeks ago about a person regretting hanging out with "that girl who everyone stops being friends with". I'm not going to act like an internet meme is a philosophical statement, but, it made me think "my mom is that girl who everyone stops being friends with". I wondered why.

She often pretended that she's an introvert, and how this makes her better than everyone else, how friendships are for stupid people, how smart people stay at home doing "intellectual things" instead. I now know this wasn't actual arrogance but a coping mechanism for how lonely she felt.

If she was friends with other PD people (PD's attract PD's), the friendships weren't very fruitful. They competed for the same kind of things from the people around them, and it disrupted their mental hierarchies of how things should work. There was lots of gossip, verbal abuse, manipulation, etc. and despite my mom being unable to recognize these things as abnormal and unhealthy, she wasn't happy in those situations. Not even PD's actually like dealing with PD's. They might get married to each other and stay in touch with PD family but they're not happy doing that either, it's just the cult mentality and their own mental illness at play.

If she was friends with normies, they quickly started backing out of things. As I learned how abnormal and unhealthy my mom's behavior was, I realized how off-putting it is to people who didn't have to grow up with it. She's always been convinced that "everyone thinks/feels/does the things I do, I'm just the only person who is honest about it". Well, she's wrong on both counts there. People stopped inviting them over, picking up the phone, etc. And she felt like "no one wants to be my friend, it's not fair, I'm such an outcast".

She also had loads of stories like this from her youth, where for no reason at all, "no one ever liked her". She never saw the common denominator, ever. A part of me wants to feel bad for her. Maybe that's why she ended up marrying my evil dad, and why she felt so hopeless and helpless at the thought of changing her life for the better (including scary things like divorce). But I know not to feel too sympathetic for the woman who threw me under the bus my entire life, just leads to heartbreak and I know better than to think there's a loving, virtuous mom underneath layers of mental illness. This is just who she is.

She used this often to make me feel guilty about "ever leaving her" because "she had no one" and "no one liked her" and "who else was supposed to be her friend". You can imagine how unhealthy it was from there. We were "best friends". In my flea-heavy days, no one liked me and everyone stopped being my friend too, but I was able to self-reflect enough to realize that they must just find me unpleasant to be around.

[11JB68]

My  uPDm always said she didn't need friends (also - The only important people are your family!) - she was hypercritical of everyone so it's hard to have friends when you are like that

My uPDh has burned lots of bridges and also generally doesn't make an effort with friends. He often bemoans the fact that he has few friends and also puts that on me that 'what would he do without me' since he has no friends

[losingmyself]

And it is difficult to get past the guilt you feel because you know that they would be alone if it wasn't for you. My H has no friends, although he used to. People who hung around with him in the past have backed away, and now only say hi if they run into him by coincidence.  He doesn't see the common denominator.
So my caretaking self will put up with his b.s. because I can't deal with the idea of him being alone, among other reasons.
Because of this, I also don't have friends, and I barely speak to my family because he will make me feel guilty that he doesn't have anyone to talk to, but I do. I have fallen for it for a long time.

[easterncappy]

My  uPDm always said she didn't need friends (also - The only important people are your family!) - she was hypercritical of everyone so it's hard to have friends when you are like that

My uPDh has burned lots of bridges and also generally doesn't make an effort with friends. He often bemoans the fact that he has few friends and also puts that on me that 'what would he do without me' since he has no friends

My mom was always hypercritical of people too, but like, she thought that's just how you talk about others... she'd go back and forth constantly on everyone. I told her today that I'd rather not hear from my aunt anymore or be dragged to events where she'd be at, because "the way she behaves is not acceptable to me, I don't want to have to pull out the blackboard and do calculus to figure out how not to anger her, it's not worth it to me". Because she really is just like that. My mom said I'm being judgmental, angry, extreme, a showoff, etc. and then within 5 minutes, was talking negatively about the same aunt... except her negativity was just being mean for the sake of being mean, mine was "I don't want to deal with someone who is always mad for no reason and makes me feel terrible". Boggles the mind how having boundaries is mean but making fun of how someone looks somehow isn't.

My mom also believed in "the only important people are your family". She even once said "family is supposed to be your God".

And it is difficult to get past the guilt you feel because you know that they would be alone if it wasn't for you. My H has no friends, although he used to. People who hung around with him in the past have backed away, and now only say hi if they run into him by coincidence.  He doesn't see the common denominator.
So my caretaking self will put up with his b.s. because I can't deal with the idea of him being alone, among other reasons.
Because of this, I also don't have friends, and I barely speak to my family because he will make me feel guilty that he doesn't have anyone to talk to, but I do. I have fallen for it for a long time.

I used to be like you. I remember just, maybe three? years ago, thinking that it's my sole duty in life to get a good enough job to provide my parents with a nice house, nice retirement, good cars, etc. Poor little things have worked so hard and keep getting crapped on by life! Wait. Actually, the fact that they never bothered to save up for retirement, work on their credit, etc. is... their fault. Oh God. You know what else turned out to be their fault? The fact that no one likes them! I even told my mom today, "if so many people don't like you, and it isn't a legitimate case of discrimination or disagreement, then you should probably work on what everyone dislikes". It went over her head, but still.

Years into... what do I call it, analyzing the exact degree and type of dysfunction of my family, I no longer feel bad for them. Despite the personality disorder, they've made their choices. I'm not going to waste the one life I've been given coddling them and protecting them from the consequences of their own decisions. Seriously. I understand that what you're going through is tough, but you're going to hate yourself if you wake up at 75 years old thinking "I wasted my life coddling an adult who repeatedly made poor decisions". What you describe doesn't sound like a good life at all. It's hard to find the courage to start saying "no" or to get away entirely, and I don't know your circumstances that might make it even more difficult, but I hope you can start feeling bad for yourself instead of him, and do whatever you safely can to stop living like this.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Easterncappy,

For me, this was an important piece of the puzzle when I started to heal from the PD abuse with uNPD parents. With both, it was fairly obvious to me once I looked at it, that the brain architecture just wasn't there in terms of them being able to have healthy friendships with people. I saw their mental issues as quite severe (which I still believe they were / are) and that "a little counselling" would never be enough to truly address the severe issues they each had. Not understanding friendship, was one of a long list of items they couldn't really do.

I was treated to that victim mentality as well. "Poor me...." was a constant song they sang to me. What you describe is really such a clear example of the mental and emotional burden placed on us by their disorder. Narc parents have no problem placing all manner of burdens onto their children - during childhood and into our own adulthood. I am so right there with you on what your wrote here about how you now see this stuff in hindsight. Living with that enmeshment was awful. I am glad you are away from it.

Trees