Terrified of going NC with vindictive NPD parents

[olivegirl]

I realize that I am actually very scared at how retaliatory my Npd parents will be as NC continues on.  They are sadistic and liars and my anxiety is way up.

My queen/witch mother sabotages people she is jealous of.  There was a lot family drama and now I realize she is a prolific liar.  She meddled a lot with my marriage and she went as far as contacting my in-laws behind my back and she smeared me.  Naturally my mother lied and gaslit me about the exchange and newly married, I just wanted to believe her and I dropped it.

There were more what she calls "misunderstandings" where relatives and neighbors will come up to me and accuse me of gossiping about them.  I'd cry to my mom confused and she'd brush it off but I realized now that it was all her.

She is now 70 and my overt misogynistic father who worships her and backs her up completely is 76.  My father has raged at me all my life to get me to back off when I'd hold my mother accountable.  My r/ship with my parents and their continued meddling and smearing of me became so troublesome that dh and I decided to just move 1k miles away.  I thought that some space would protect my marriage and it's been so healthy for us.

While my sister was getting divorced from a very abusive marriage, the masks of my parents really fell and they became cold, vicious and they openly belittled and denigrated my sister and tried to sabotage my sister from leaving the toxic marriage!  They are so malicious and sadistic and they called her stupid and naive and vowed not to bail her out bc they said she deserved to suffer!

So seeing my sister in a difficult divorce with an ex, I gifted my sister some money.
My parents found out and they were verbally abusive to me for helping my distraught sister trapped in an abusive marriage.  They are Obsessed about their image and felt the divorce reflected poorly on them.

My parents have been lying all this time about their finances and they started to discard my sister bc she downsized;

They say they are old and they plan to move in with me!  Despite my telling them that it's out of the question, they clearly have their sights on me.  (My husband set them straight too.). Like when I firmly told them to stay away from my in-laws, they went behind my back to smear me. 

I have been no contact for 2 months and my sister who lives in same town is now very very very very low contact.  I have them blocked but I'm terrified what they will do now.  I cannot go back to being LC bc she lies, she schemes, he backs her up, he is cruel. 

Anyone been in my place?  I suppose I can call the cops if they show up?  They clearly set up a lifetime of abuse to control me and I'm afraid they won't give me up so easily bc I'm their meal ticket.  Are there any precautions I should take?  Thanks so much

[notrightinthehead]

You have definitely enough reasons to go no contact. I would take the high road and not talk badly about them to anyone. But if people ask me, I would be honest and give the minimum information on why there is no contact. To my in laws, depending how good or bad the relationship is, I would let them know about my decision to go NC and tell them as much as they need to know, and I would ask them not to tell my parents anything at all about me.
The longer you are NC, the less your parents will know about you. You will also limit the information you give to people who are in contact with them. The less your parents know about you, the less they can talk badly about you to people in your circle.
I would get legal advice on what to do if they sue me for support. You may not use the advice but it might be good to know.
All this has heightened your anxiety level. Are you getting support for this?  After a lifetime of abuse, you need to strengthen your emotional stability and your self care.

[Leonor]

Hi Olive,

Much gentleness to you.

It sounds to me like you are experiencing one heck of an emotional flashback. Your body and brain are remembering what it felt like when you were little and your parents became angry. You feel small, powerless, terrified. You worry that they can isolate you from everyone else and no one will believe you or love you, and you will be trapped with them beating on you until they get tired or bored and just walk away and ignore you.

Breathe. You were right, back then. You were alone and powerless and they were horrible to.you. You were a darling precious little girl and very, very smart and brave, and you held your head up high and kept your wits about you and today you are free.

It's hard to think your way out if the panic. The fear wants to keep going in circles (Yes but what if okay but what if and omg what if ...) It's the voice of your little girl trying to scope out her surroundings, to placate the crazy grownups, to keep you both safe.

Try to feel your way through the terror. Stand up and feel your toes wiggle in the grass. Stretch your hands up to the sky and try to touch a cloud. Roll your head from side to side and shrug your shoulders to loosen up your muscles. Smell lavender, laundry soap, paprika, chili pepper to wake up your nose. Touch things: a smooth stone, a fluffy puppy, an ice cube. Hold a salute the sun yoga pose. Measure yourself by standing against a wall and marking the wall with a pencil. Appreciate how big and strong and tall you are now.

You are not their daughter. You are not Olivegirl but OliveWoman, strong like a tree. You're a married adult, not some punching bag or meal ticket for someone else. So they gossip about you. Big deal! Let them come here to Out of the FOG and say whatever nonsense they want and we'll set 'em straight.

Your husband didn't marry you because he thought your parents were right about you. He married you because he knows that Olive is the most singular, loveable, amazing human being he's ever met, and he wants to spend every day for the rest of his life being with you. That's the person you want to pay attention to, not the nutjobs a thousand miles away.

And the ILs? Well, what about them? Really, it's none of their business. If they are supportive of you, bonus! If not, well, they're just a pair of silly old people too.

[lkdrymom]

You are 1000 miles away which is a very good first step.  Do you truly believe they will just show up on your doorstep one day? Here is the thing...you don't have to answer the door.  You don't have to let them in.  Think about it, what is the worst they can do to you so far away?

[olivegirl]

I will say that I have been trained to be compliant or face her wrath.

She has spread rumors amongst family members and have told them that she heard it from me!  And when I try to defend myself, no one believes me bc my own mother says it so it must be true.

My sister and I were estranged for decades bc our mother convinced her that I am jealous of her and untrustworthy.  But when my sister found herself in a bind, she reached out to me after our mom turned her back on her. 

My mother is a prolific liar and denied her badmouthing me.  But telling is that my mother has very strained r/ships with her relatives too.

My mother sees anything but total loyalty as an act of war and it is intimidating knowing that she will go scorched earth again on me.

Consequently I am isolated from almost all relatives and lost many friendships.  I'd look paranoid telling family friends that my mom is out to get me.  But sure enough, my mom plays the victim and lies that I bully her.

It's exhausting to see firsthand how far she will go.  Did I mention she is super charitable with others?  Volunteers at church?  All part of her image which she guards fiercely.

[moglow]

Olivegirl her image is not your stuff. Everything she says and does is ALL on her, not you or anyone else. When that façade crack and falls apart, *still* not yours. They will be the ones facing that piper. She can't demand or force anything on her adult daughter who lives 1000 away. If she continues to smear you and people choose to believe her that's on THEM.


If they show up, you don't have to answer the door. Period. If you answer, you don't have to let them in. They're not invited or welcome. Sounds more like invaders. You don't have to entertain that, no matter who they are.


You're responding this way because it's what you were taught, not because it's real. I know it helps to be prepared and you have to think it all the way through but it's also keeping you on edge, waiting for that shoe to drop. If it helps you, maybe consult with an attorney regarding any legal obligations.


Hold that NC and don't let them in. Severely limit any information others might give them. If people are coming to you with questions, they're just as likely going back to the parents. If they're providing information, take it in and keep your own to yourself.


Try to not speculate what's going on, or at least not take it personally. It's not yours to fix, none of it. They set a course a long time ago - look back to that for your answers.


We're here with you.

[olivegirl]

Thank you so much for the support!  It means so much.  I feel a sense of dread from the guilt but I feel relief too.  You all are such a lifeline!

[Jolie40]

She is now 70 and my overt misogynistic father who worships her and backs her up completely is 76. 
They say they are old and they plan to move in with me!  Despite my telling them that it's out of the question, they clearly have their sights on me. 

now that you are 1,000 miles away, it would be difficult for them to show up & try to move in
if you stay NC, hopefully they'll realize that they need to make other plans for their old age

my next door neighbor is 76 & his wife 70.....they are still pretty healthy & travel
they're in Europe now

your parents need to get a life & maybe travel/enjoy themselves?

[Liketheducks]

Oh Olivegirl.....sending you cyber hugs.  My mom totally got vindictive when I went VLC.   She didn't often show up.   When she did, uninvited....I just wouldn't answer the door.  But she did malign me the rest of the family.  Thankfully, my in laws live in another country or I think she'd try the same with them.
I totally understand your anxiety.   It took me a bit of time to work through mine with the help of great therapists, emdr, and grounding exercises.  PTSD is a fact of my life, but I work at it. 
You have done an excellent job with some very difficult circumstances.  Stick with your boundaries.  I promise it will be ok

[Kiki81]

Olivegirl, my parents are 92 years old. My sole regret is not going full NC 40 years ago. I believe this is a typical regret among many of us here. My experience with my parents is that they got worse over time with an explosive increase from them in their mid-70s on. Aging is a difficult, its stressful and full of loss. All experiences that narcissists don't deal with well. Save yourself and your own family now.

[Srcyu]

One precaution you could take is to get a doorstep camera that can be linked to your phone. Another small precaution is to always have your front door key ready in your hand when you come home. Make sure the blinds, shutters, robes or curtains are shut before putting any lights on. I was once watched from a parked car as I decorated the Christmas tree. My son arrived home and informed me she was in the passenger seat - watching.
What else? I'm not sure if you have children. If you do, they should be told in an age appropriate way what the situation is. Hand written letters may start to arrive from them. Bin them immediately, unopened. Watch out for love bombing which they try in order to lure you back in. Keep any responses to them very short.
It will all be okay, you'll see.