No Straight Line

JustKeepTrying · August 19, 2022, 10:21:45 PM

I am journaling, working with a T and I will see her and do an EMDR session on the nightmare that won't leave me alone.

When I go to sleep I see his fist coming towards me. I feel that visceral fear and I think it's time I talk about it. Face it. Name it. It's been more than three years and I am finally OK with admitting that I stayed with a man who hit me. Threw a wrench at me. Punched the wall in front of my pregnant stomach. Threw books at me. I am that woman that I despised and didn't understand - why would a woman stay with a man who was physical abusive to her.

In my case I didn't see it as physical abuse. I thought it was a man who was so stressed he couldn't control his temper. I blamed the cancer, autism, work and money. So many excuses I spun in my head.

There is no straight path in healing. I turn corner after corner and make one advance after another - and then bam. Nightmares and in my mind I am back in a shitty apartment with no furniture wondering how the hell I got there. Mourning the what ifs of a dream. It's crazy making.

I start working with a personal trainer next week. I am on WW and loosing the weight slowly. I am working with a therapist. I am writing, journaling. and my youngest is back at college and probably won't be back home.

I am leaving in April for a life of travel and writing in my little campervan. I have eight months to prepare. I'm terrified. F*&^ing terrified.

Logically I know I can do this but for all of my life there have been these moments where I waited for something - and then I got hit with another awful life thing. I am scared that if I wait I won't get that opportunity. But I have a lease here and I am not really strong enough. And the money is one or the other. So I am choosing to get stronger and healthier and plan the heck out of it.

But I'm still terrified.

I see him in my nightmares. And in my waking nightmares as well. The PTSD flashbacks are as terrifying as the original event was. It's hell.

notrightinthehead · August 20, 2022, 01:35:55 AM

I am 4 years and 5 months out. Mine never hit me but was abusive in every other way. It's only in the last year that the fear, fury, and deep sadness have lifted for most of the time. Also the flash-backs have become rarer. Go for the EMDR treatment. Hopefully it will lift the anxiety level a bit. And accept that you will never be that happy go lucky, gullible girl again. You are the beautiful woman with a limp now. You are here. You are still alive. You have the opportunity to develop new connections. Connections with kind people, who treat you with respect. You have the opportunity to take good care of yourself, enforce boundaries, take your time to find out who you are now. Don't despair at the slow progress. You have been tortured for so many years, it takes a while to realize that you freed yourself from the prison. I am rooting for you.

SonofThunder · August 20, 2022, 10:05:30 AM

Hi JKT,

Im so sorry you are experiencing flashbacks and nightmares that are emotionally terrifying. Im so glad that you are now away so that you don't have the physical abuse combined with the same emotional terror. I understand that emotional terror has its own physical effect so not diminishing that at all.

You are being very proactive to a steady healing process, both emotionally and physically and i am excited toward your coming life-of-travel adventures and hopefully the fears of the unknowns that lay ahead in adventure will steadily turn to knowns, which are must easier to process, plan-with and shape into pleasant experiences.

Unknowns are always a mind game, but turning them to knowns is power!! I look forward to reading about your increasing knowledge and power. My thoughts and prayers will be for you for great EMDR work, boldness in your new life as a road-warrior and continued physical and emotional healing.

SoT

JustKeepTrying · August 22, 2022, 11:05:52 PM

Thank you Notrightinthehead and SOT. I have reread your posts and find it uplifting and affirming.

While I am journaling daily and it does help, posting here to people is also helpful. I don't feel so alone in the process. And I do feel alone.

I never understood when I was in the FOG how a person could stay in an abusive relationship. It baffled me and I said I just wouldn't. I would leave. But I didn't. I didn't see it. I truly didn't see it until that last blow connected. I couldn't overlook that. His cycle had grown shorter and that end phase was becoming more violent and trigger edged. I knew that if I didn't leave then, I would be dead.

It's taken me some time to get over this shame. The guilt and anger. But I am beginning to see that there is nothing with loving him. I did my best. I truly tried. Really tried. And in the end, it was his choice to do what he did - it was his choice to punch me. That is not within my control.

I have only hinted to a couple of close friends that it became physical. And I get angry when I realize there are people who say - Why didn't you say something? It must not be real if you didn't say it earlier." But that is twisted. If I had said it early they would have come up with something else. They - whoever they are in my mind - would never believe it.

Healing is not a straight line. It's twisted, curves back and sometimes it bites you on the ass. But gradually with great care and a lot of work - you get there.

At least that is what I hope. EMDR is scheduled in a few weeks. Thank you friends

SonofThunder · August 23, 2022, 04:20:20 AM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on August 22, 2022, 11:05:52 PM
Thank you Notrightinthehead and SOT. I have reread your posts and find it uplifting and affirming.

While I am journaling daily and it does help, posting here to people is also helpful. I don't feel so alone in the process. And I do feel alone.

I never understood when I was in the FOG how a person could stay in an abusive relationship. It baffled me and I said I just wouldn't. I would leave. But I didn't. I didn't see it. I truly didn't see it until that last blow connected. I couldn't overlook that. His cycle had grown shorter and that end phase was becoming more violent and trigger edged. I knew that if I didn't leave then, I would be dead.

It's taken me some time to get over this shame. The guilt and anger. But I am beginning to see that there is nothing with loving him. I did my best. I truly tried. Really tried. And in the end, it was his choice to do what he did - it was his choice to punch me. That is not within my control.

I have only hinted to a couple of close friends that it became physical. And I get angry when I realize there are people who say - Why didn't you say something? It must not be real if you didn't say it earlier." But that is twisted. If I had said it early they would have come up with something else. They - whoever they are in my mind - would never believe it.

Healing is not a straight line. It's twisted, curves back and sometimes it bites you on the ass. But gradually with great care and a lot of work - you get there.

At least that is what I hope. EMDR is scheduled in a few weeks. Thank you friends

JKT, i am so very sorry you have had to endure physical abuse, emotional abuse and cancer all while trying to balance being a mom to a very challenged son and other children, wife, friend, family member and be yourself as well! How can one be themselves in the midst of all that! All while having endured a very difficult upbringing and a terrible experience in your early dating adult life at the hands of another male.

Each time I read about the abuses and crimes of men toward women, it makes me so truly angry as a man. These weak males are such a twisted lie on masculinity; their lack of self-control and use of fear and attempted dominance is such an opposing facade to what being male truly is. As a male, I truly apologize to you and other women here on behalf of good and real men worldwide. These troubled individuals are not a true part of my male tribe, but rather sick humans disguised as male. I hope their creator teaches them a lesson regarding their misrepresentation.

The fact that you are at the place in life, in which you find yourself right now, is truly amazing. You have been literally battling in a very real brutal war for decades and you emerged a wounded warrior; a survivor; a victor! You frankly should be the owner of the purple heart and a medal of honor. Your camper-van license plate should reflect both of those distinguished awards. You have dealt with the cancer, yet not let it slow you down. You should also have the disabled veteran honor marking on that plate as well. Seriously, you have been fighting in excruciating, fear-filled mental and physical conditions for SO long. You truly are a badass warrior.

You wrote:

" I have only hinted to a couple of close friends that it became physical. And I get angry when I realize there are people who say - Why didn't you say something? It must not be real if you didn't say it earlier." But that is twisted. If I had said it early they would have come up with something else. They - whoever they are in my mind - would never believe it."

I agree. I have a friend who is ex-special forces, and because much of his prior activity is classified, he cannot tell his stories. He has the emotional (and probably some hidden physical scars) that convey the truth of his very difficult experiences, but he cannot speak of them. Only his comrades know and understand the truth. I consider your experiences to be similar. Folks who have never dealt with abuse have no understanding regarding what it is truly like. I dont have the abuse experiences of you and I will not pretend that I understand. I have my own, and i accept the fact that i must carry my experiences myself, allow myself to accept my past, and emulate your badassery and move forward with the rest of my life.

Like I said before, it would truly be an honor to ever cross your path in a US campground. I will look for a camper-van with multiple badges of honor and a badass lady walking with a badass cane. Btw, did you get yourself a hand carved badass cane to represent you warrior attributes?

SoT

JustKeepTrying · August 29, 2022, 10:16:52 PM

SOT - I am grateful for your support. It means a lot. More than you can know on those difficult days.

I did purchase a carved cane - quite lovely and colorful as well as a carved walking stick. Tried out the stick last week and I had to go back to the two ortho canes. But I am hopeful that by next spring I will be using them all with wicked abandon.

If you do see a middle aged survivor in a campervan in the parks, say hello. I would like to think we would recognize each other.

SonofThunder · August 30, 2022, 11:04:15 AM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on August 29, 2022, 10:16:52 PM
SOT - I am grateful for your support. It means a lot. More than you can know on those difficult days.

I did purchase a carved cane - quite lovely and colorful as well as a carved walking stick. Tried out the stick last week and I had to go back to the two ortho canes. But I am hopeful that by next spring I will be using them all with wicked abandon.

If you do see a middle aged survivor in a campervan in the parks, say hello. I would like to think we would recognize each other.

JKT, I will be keeping you in thought and prayer for expanding emotional healing, continued physical healing, strength in all things and further excitement and anticipation toward your coming adventures. I will look for a carved cane and strong survivor among the parks as I visit, admire your cane and your fortitude and tip my wide-brimmed hat to your badassery in a gentlemanly hello. 😊

SoT

1footouttadefog · September 02, 2022, 07:44:26 AM

Sorry to read of the abuse you endured and the wounds you still have as a result.

There is a mix of emotions, intentions and motivations that keep people in these relationships. It's easy to beat oneself up over the aspects that represent weakness or character flaws. But in reality it is sometimes the abundance of virtue that keeps us in them for too long to where the fear and weaknesses can kick in and lock us down. Don't dismiss the good parts of you.

The positives, are still there even though you have been through the fire. Love, faithfulness, caring, loyalty, self sacrificing, empathy, patience, tolerance, work ethic, and many more were likely in play.

It sounds like you have taken great steps toward what needs done and have goals and dreams. You are on a path to healing and a better life. Now it's a matter of having enough steps behind you to be a long that journey.

When we go on vacation the first part of it is our driveway and it still looks like home. Then it's the street we live on and it still looks like home. Then the first stop sign or traffic signal and our regular gas station and grocery store and it's still looking like home. But at some point we are far enough along the journey that the wonder of being on a trip and in a new place sets in.

Keep taking care of yourself and healing and taking those steps with as many canes as it takes they will all add up soon enough.