9 weeks along

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

It's been almost a full 9 weeks since the last time I had any contact with the soon to be exBPD. 

I hope that this helps pass along some hope to those that are starting the whole process of divorcing / separating.

While I haven't seen it as much, friends and family have been providing feedback on how I am "blossoming" , some have said that I have come alive once again.

I have noticed that I am enjoying more and more moments in my daily experience, that coming home is actually something that I do look forward to, that I'm not being triggered when my mobile pops off with a notification, and that my spirituality is also much more prevalent.  I'm having more moments of insights where the differing aspects of how the toxic dance happened.

I also had an interesting situation where 7 different romantic cards that the soon to be exBPD had mailed to the fake address she was given by a person that had catfished her were returned because the address / name wasn't there.  I did open them to see if there was any money in them, and interestingly the soon to be exBPD was singing the same old song and dance of love bombing.   

It didn't phase me at all.  More evidence of her mental illness. 

On the other hand, with her not in the house, I've been finding that I have had to change my shopping habits because of how much food is left, and that my tastes in food is actually changing.  It seems that being a bit more adventurous in my food tastes is an interesting side effect of not being in a high stress environment. 

The monthly budget has definitely went to the positive.  Which isn't to terribly surprising since she's not spending 200$-400$ USD a month with nothing to show for it. 

She is "in the wind".  Have no idea on where she is, or even if she is in the same state any more.  Not that it really matters.  If she is not going to court ordered anger management classes, that means that she has a bench warrant out against her.  And that is state wide.  That means that she had better watch herself and not get any trouble with anything.  Because if she gets caught, she'll be going to jail. 

The initial paperwork was filed, and the process server has not been able to find her to serve her with the divorce paperwork.  Which is fine, since there are methods to keep the divorce moving forward.  With her not responding then the courts will ultimately decide in my favor where the residence is 100% mine, my retirement account remains with me. 

To those who are still in the storm of the toxicity, keep going forward.  If I attempted to describe the difference from June 26th, till now, I could fill pages and pages of words that would be only a pale refection of how much better, how much my daily life has improved with NC. 

Tis a glorious thing.  I'm finding myself again after 25 years.

Wishing all of you, all the best.

Peace

[escapingman]

I couldn't agree more with what you are writing StartinHealing, I am 12 weeks out and my nervous system is settling down. Although I am in the storm of the divorce and the stress of it, I do feel so much calmer and happier. Like you, my food shopping has gone down significantly in cost as a result of no longer needing comfort eating all day long. I have also started to experiment with my cooking and using spices that was banned from the house by uNPDx. I have also lost 10 kg (22 lbs) since she left the house as my routines and eating habits improved drastically, I can now go to be early if I want to without being questions, I can also stay in bed in the morning again without being shouted at.

Peace brother, we really are doing this!

[SonofThunder]

Congrats StartingHealing!

The mindfulness you have regarding both the obvious and subtle changes/differences is wonderful.  My thoughts and wishes for steady increasing peace and healing as you process forward.  😊

SoT

[StartingHealing]

I couldn't agree more with what you are writing StartinHealing, I am 12 weeks out and my nervous system is settling down. Although I am in the storm of the divorce and the stress of it, I do feel so much calmer and happier. Like you, my food shopping has gone down significantly in cost as a result of no longer needing comfort eating all day long. I have also started to experiment with my cooking and using spices that was banned from the house by uNPDx. I have also lost 10 kg (22 lbs) since she left the house as my routines and eating habits improved drastically, I can now go to be early if I want to without being questions, I can also stay in bed in the morning again without being shouted at.

Peace brother, we really are doing this!

Escaping man,   It sounds like you are in a better place.  That is very very good!   

[StartingHealing]

Congrats StartingHealing!

The mindfulness you have regarding both the obvious and subtle changes/differences is wonderful.  My thoughts and wishes for steady increasing peace and healing as you process forward.  😊

SoT

Thank you SoT.

How are you doing with your situation?  I wish you all the best good sir!

It has taken a bit for me to become comfortable with taking physical action within my residence.  Coming up with a plan of action to gather her physical items, and a way to store it until the divorce is finalized was a good exercise for me I believe.  I took a day last week, and then yesterday to gather and box every single item (other than furniture) that I considered hers, including what I considered to be business related (raw cork fabric, finished goods, sewing machine/tools, swimming lessons) and moved it all into a spare bedroom that is about a 10x10 foot space.  Yes, I kept a photographic record of every item and which box it went into.  This evidence will be added to a USB thumb drive that contains everything that I have collected, and stored in a safe deposit box.  Not that I'm expecting any "issues" going forward but at the same time, having it without needing it I think is the best course of action at the moment.

The feeling within my residence is so much lighter.  Even more so than when she was no longer around.  The feeling of being able to take action and not have to JADE about any single action is quite honestly phenomenal to me at the moment.  Then I remind myself that this is actually how my life is supposed to be.  Being the captain of my life as it were.

Peace

[escapingman]

That is a really good thing to do SH, I am thinking of doing the same with my uNPDx items. But she has SO MUCH stuff that I can't even face starting to go through it. I would say out of all items in the house, 75% would be hers, 15% mine and the rest shared. Within her 75% I add all ornaments, excess bedding and cushions, most of the kitchenware. All shared items I would like to box up and seal for the kids to have if they ever want to look into our marriage and memories (photo albums, wedding photos and holiday purchases). The risk is that all shared memories could be burnt or damaged if she got a chance on it, which I think would be a shame for my kids when they are old.

You are doing really good SH and you are an inspiration.

[SonofThunder]

Peace to you as well StartingHealing 😊.

Glad to read you are making progress in simplifying your living space and doing so with the future in mind, proactively documenting your activities regarding.  Like you, the calm, peace and freedom to live a life that is "actually how my life is supposed to be" is wonderful, and helps to frame the past in the truth.  Like you I am doing well and both working on necessary activities of daily living/working, moving forward and activities of self-healing.  Thank you for your kindness in asking and your good wishes. 

All the best in your continued progress,

SoT

[StartingHealing]

That is a really good thing to do SH, I am thinking of doing the same with my uNPDx items. But she has SO MUCH stuff that I can't even face starting to go through it. I would say out of all items in the house, 75% would be hers, 15% mine and the rest shared. Within her 75% I add all ornaments, excess bedding and cushions, most of the kitchenware. All shared items I would like to box up and seal for the kids to have if they ever want to look into our marriage and memories (photo albums, wedding photos and holiday purchases). The risk is that all shared memories could be burnt or damaged if she got a chance on it, which I think would be a shame for my kids when they are old.

You are doing really good SH and you are an inspiration.

EM,
start small.  even if it's nothing more than 1 drawer.  Later on, then do another drawer. Before you know it an entire room is done.  It was surprising what I found when I did this.  BTW, I used a older Kodak digital camera, one of those point and shoot ones.  It didn't have the resolution of say my mobile, (I think it has a max of 6 Megapixels) but it was sufficient to do what I needed to do. 

As far as pictures go, take a picture of the pictures, easy way to digitize them.  Once digital, then you can copy them endlessly, or even get a open source program to embed the images into a document where you can add the relevant information like location, ages, who is who in the image, do color correction, remove red eye, and so forth.  If you want something computer based.  If right now the idea is to "capture" the pictures, a mobile should be more than enough to do that.  Typically speaking, a 12 Megapixel camera (in most current mobile devices, is more than sufficient for a good digital picture.  Now you can connect a USB stick to your phone and copy the data over to it.  Depending on your account, you may be able to upload the images to the cloud and once there.. No burning, damage, etc.  Also being an archive of a sorts, it will also allow you to add to it going forward.  Even if you change mobile devices. 

The reason I mentioned open source is that typically speaking, the document will be something that can be opened and viewed in 5 years, 10 years or longer.  I would think that having something that your children could add to as their life progresses would also be very cool.   There is a office suite currently offered that will open computer generated documents from as far back as MS works 1.0, dBase 3+, lotus notes, etc. that is open source, and free for you to acquire and use.  All they ask is if you make a really cool macro, or a template, that you upload it so that others can benefit.  To me, that sounds like one heck of a deal. 

Concerning the document to embed the images in.  Once that is completed, that could also be uploaded into the cloud into your "storage" space and from there, no damage, and it could be added on to as time goes on.  Or if you wanted to, you could create an slide show, add music, etc. and that could go on a USB stick or DVD/Bluray

Wishing you all the best.