He won't let go

[CagedBirdSinging]

It's 18 months since I left. In so many ways, life is so much better. I am so happy in my home with my kids. Not having to live with a pd is just such a relief. At times when I am here alone with my kids, we are so happy. I am truly present with them and we laugh in a way I haven't laughed in years. They are both doing fantastic, their confidence increasing all the time. Our home is peaceful, full of love and laughter.

My problem is that my ex will not let go. For 18 months he has been trying to get back together with me. He is showing no sign of giving up. In my country you cannot get divorced immediately. I have to wait another year before I can file.

At first, when he sent me love bombing messages, I used to reply- telling him it is over, restating all the stuff I have said before. That used to trigger a tirade of verbal abuse. Now I tend to just ignore these messages (non Jade).

I have broken up with him about 20 times.
Each time I am subjected to verbal and emotional abuse.
I have made it very clear that the relationship is over. I have given no indication of wanting to resume a relationship with him. But he still keeps asking me out, sending me love bombing messages or nasty messages about how I'm destroying our family. When I try to set boundaries, he becomes really irate.

I'll be honest, I'm starting to get scared. He refuses to give up. He has nothing to lose. He has massive mental health problems (diagnosed by a psychiatrist). I think he is a bit deranged. I just don't know what to do.

At what point does this constant harassment become coercive control.

He has been dating- good old pds, keeping their options open!! At the same time as hassling me, he is desperately trying to find a new target. Presumably he has not had any luck so far. I think the only way he will give up is if he meets someone new. And then the cycle of abuse begins again with a new partner.

(un)CBS

[escapingman]

That sounds really unbearable, you need to put a stop to this. Is it possible to get a non contact order through the police or the court in your country basically making it illegal for him to do any type of contact to you? Then if he breaks that he could be prosecuted by the police. Has be been violent in the past? Is it a risk he could escalate and become violent? 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi escapingman, I appreciate your concern. Thank you. He has never been physically violent, but his rages are very scary. I've never seen such anger. He has a very nasty side. He is very controlling. I could contact the police and I could get a no contact order, but I'm worried the repercussions could be even worse.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with escapingman that your husband's behavior sounds unbearable. I don't think it matters what it's called. You have a right to not be subjected to it.

[Boat Babe]

Hi escapingman, I appreciate your concern. Thank you. He has never been physically violent, but his rages are very scary. I've never seen such anger. He has a very nasty side. He is very controlling. I could contact the police and I could get a no contact order, but I'm worried the repercussions could be even worse.

The thing with bullies is that they don't stop until they're made to, usually by bigger, stronger people. He may be horrible to you but completely fold if the boys to in blue put the fear of god into him.

I really sympathize with your situation. You've worked so hard to get away and still have to put up with this BS. Big hugs.

[SonofThunder]

CagedBird,

What would your actions/reactions be, if this was a male stranger who happened to be harassing you in this same way after somehow getting hold of all your contact information?  Assume you would not know any background information on this person so he could similarly have mental health problems. 

I personally would take the same bold steps in self-protection, using all the laws and public protective services available to me, as well as my own self-awareness and self-preparedness in self-protection at all times, as if this was a stranger.   

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone. I'm just scared that if he gets hit with a barring order or no contact order, it will infuriate him even more. I'm worried he could lash out at me, or at the children. He is very strange. Religious fanatic, no friends, nothing to lose. I feel so trapped. Yes SoT, if it was a stranger I would have no problem contacting the authorities. This is the difficulty with intimate abuse: because of the children, the law states that I must be in contact with him. If we didnt have kids I would move to a new town, change my number and go completely NC in a heartbeat.
I'm going to contact my L again tomorrow and see if he can give me any advice. I might check in with the local DV centre too- they have been a source of support.
I feel like the only way I get off the hook is when he meets a new target woman. But then I feel bad, as I wouldn't want anyone to suffer as I have under his control. Maybe he will meet another narc who will give him a run for his money!! But I doubt it. He is looking for another empath, someone kind enough to put his needs first- someone like me.
Thanks again.

[hhaw]

CBS:

WHen I was living in fear of my abusive ASPD stbx I was hyper alert, living in fear and the police ignored me after I refused to press charges after the first assault.  I wish I had gone to the domestic abuse agencies and I hope you do.  Not that they'll have your answers, but it's likely they'll have more than your attorney, IME.

I guess you can make a plan BEFORE you file any protection orders and be somewhere your stbx doesn't know to find you, or have someone with you who can protect you.  I used to borrow a friend's big dog so I could sleep at night, have frineds spend the night, but after I filed the divorce the Judge expected me to sit in the family home and make myself vulnerable and available for whatever the ASPD had in mind.

My second divorce attorney told me I would be dead if my husband wanted me dead, so stop worrying about it.... it made me look bitchy and men "don't like to look at bitchy women."  I think he was talking about himself and my Judge, but it sent me over my own edge.  It was a dark day in my life to hear my $800.00 attorney spit that out,like I should be ashamed for being fearful..... and I think I was ashamed, truth be told.

And so, my BIL advised me to start drinking a beer in the parking lot before going into meetings with that partiular attorney and suddenly that attorney began caring very much about my case, so it's important to be aware of how you're coming across to the "people" you have to depend on in the justice system and beyond, IME.  People punish women and men for how they speak about the danger they're in and situations they can't easily get out of.  I think, in part, due to the fact there's no easy answer and they resent having to think about what we've gotten ourselves into.....maybe.  Also, by the time we're over the edge, we're typically TELLING people what they must do and think about our situation,w hich everyone hates.  Learning to tell our story,while laying out evidence to prove every fact we bring up..... without expectation..... is a powerful way to communicate difficult things, like the fact your stbx PD h is unstable and may harm you or the children and himself. 

I think the police call ;that graveyard love.....and it's real, just as your insitincts are real and important to listen to. 

And I guess the message here is.... fear makes us feel small and at the mercy of and that can appear to men and maybe other women as "bitchy" which might be punished in your culture. It certainly is here, but if I had to do it over again......I'd find a way to hold myself steadier in appearance (without having to drink a beer) and I'd have gone to the domestic violenvce people, maybe even the shelters...... to avoid the outcome and long painful slide into living at the mercy of my ASPD's mercy and the mercy of the justive system that is too overwhelmed and jaded to care.  I used to borrow my friend's dog so I could sleep at night.  I did other things, having taught offensive self defense for years to police and rape agression classes... how to set up one's home to survive intruders, etc.  Maybe that kept me alive, can't be sure, but DOING something about your situation will make you feel less at the mercy of and less likely to crumble when speaking about it with 3rd party onlookers, like the court and police, etc.  Your neigbors can be a help too. 

You have choices, at this point.  You;re smart enough to listen to your intuition and be very aware advocating for yourself through  the courts and police could push your PD over the edge and drive him to do something desperate.... something that could be devastating or worse.  Gavin DeBecker speaks about that in his online threat assessment MOSAIC.  Being smart when leaving a disordered person who might become violence is something you should be thinking about.  I'm too impressed with Mr. DeBecker, frankly, but he has some good innformation.... just not enough about staying safe if yu can't afford to pay a team of body guards.  It would be helpful if he did.

Please, do speak to the domestic violence agencies in your area.  Keep your head down, change up your routine as much as possible.... just bc it's the smart thing to do, IME.

Before I filed for divorce I helped teach offensive self defense classes and I set up spaces where I could retreat with my children and make a call or escape or defend us in various ways I felt competent to do so having trained and taught police officers how to get shot, recover, draw their weapons and return fire, how to use edged weapons, how to strike and use anything around liker rolled up magazines, pencils, ANYTHING to strike with, jab, poke or cut...... anything can be a weaon, CBS.

Having taught self defense classes to women, I found there were two major problems:

Women tended to be unwilling to do trauma their attackers.  We're trained up to nurture,not defend.  You might attend self defense classes to help you with that.  Some of the women I attempted to train said they'd allow themselves and their children to be harm and killed before they would defend themselvs and that puzzled me.  It wasn't how I felt and I couldn't fathom it, but you should have a hard think about your feelings about that now, before you're pushed to the wall and forced to act. 

The military trains new recriuts with agression building excercises, bc human on human violence is horrifying to most humans. It's not easy to harm another human being for most of us.  I think STRONG ON DEFENSE is a decent book to clue you in quickly about real life situations and how they turn out or don't turn out, based on how people react or don't.  You can train your brain to respond in situations, which will likely help you calm yourself and remain more rational and capable of response.

Women are smaller and easily overcome IF they take a hit to the head/the computer or if they're overpowered, grabbed, yanked by their ponytail..... we're unaware how an attack can take place.  We're completely untrained in counter attacks, such as pinching a small bit of skin into the palm of the hand with the tips of all four fingers,  eye strikes (SUPER IMPORTANT,bc no one can defend their eyes IF you're committed to an eye strike and avoid taking a hit to the head) foot stomping (the bones in the top of the feet break pretty easily) breaking fingers (smaller fingers break more easily) Knees to the thighs... mean are used to protecting their groins...... elbows are like little knees.... they're useful clubs and close in fighting can be better for smaller people to keep us out of punching range of larger people...... throat strikes..... using the top of yuor head to strike, not your face...... if you bite.... don't use your front teeth... they'll pull out too easily... use your incisors.

Avoiding sitations where we're most vulnerable is the best option,but when sharing children with an unstable PD..... we're forced to expose ourselves to dangerous situations, IME.  Learning how to avoid situations where you're most at risk is super important. 

Being able to respond,and trusting yourself to respond can help you feel less fearful,less at the mercy of.

Making friends with the local police can be helpful.  Asking them for advice and help....maybe they'll refer you or train yu a bit, but most of all...maybe they'll be more responsive if you need help.  Maybe they'll "talk" to your stbx in a way that will make an impact when he's near you or your home, etc.

Your Country might not allow weapons...not sure, but you can get little stun guns with flashlights for 30.00 all the way up to the larger ones for around 100.00 and then there's pepper spray (I like Sabre gel) and weaons you can use at longer range, which you'd have to train with, IME.  Having a gun taken from you and used against you is a worst case scenario where training is the only way to ensure it doesn't happen, IME. 

Edged weapons are useful and can't be disarmed if the use is trained and proficient.  One knife for self defense.  Two for agressors.  I don't expect you'll seek out many of these options, but I hope you read STRONG ON DEFENSE and find some way to feel less at the mercy of.

In any case, thinking ahead, putting as many doors between yuo and your PD during an attack will help you afterwards... if you survive and your PD doesn't.  WHen the police arrive, statements about the PD did (insert what the PD did), then you responded with (insert response).  First he, then I statements, CBD.

During what I think of as my "siege" I used to think through how I'd keep my young children out of the way with my legs in the bedroom laundry room while I defended us with the things I'd planned out..... but first the PD had to go through 3 doors to get to us. 

Now I have a little safe room with a phone line that can't be cut.  There are door safety..... sort of little poles that cab be wedged under door knobs.  I have a box of them I no longer use, but I did use them for a while and they helped me sleep.  I also purchased a dog, at the point I realized the police really aren't going to be able to save me..... and he was a trained protection dog....... he slept at the bottom of my bed until I felt safe enough to move him to the downstairs where there were two entrance doors from outside.  I figured out how to get out a bathroom window to the garage roof and drop down on the hill side where it was less steep and all this is to say you don't have to sit and worry about being attacked or worse as though you have zero abilit to protect yourself or get youself out of harm's way, bc you can and I'm curious what the domestic violence advocates have to say on the matter.

Please, stay safe.  You're children need you and if there's no other reason to protect yourself you can think of, then think of them.