The Complaint Carousel...

[blew]

My SO starts and ends EVERY DAY with a litany of complaints.  Recently, she has wondered why I'm so tired when I get home (other than the fact that I work all day and do a job I'm probably too old for...) and I realized it's not tiredness at all, but the instant ennui that spreads over me when I walk in the door and get splattered with "today's complaints."  And it's all stupid stuff.  Complaints about drivers and fast food workers and on and on.  When I think back, I realize she used to complain about work constantly, but since she retired, she now leans on all these day-to-day annoyances as fodder for her complaints.  Listen, I don't want some 50's TV housewife bringing me a martini and asking how my day was, but a pleasant reception would be nice occasionally!  And she does not see it.  She has no clue that she is complaining all the time.  Every "friend" has some fault that eventually ruins the relationship.  Every relative, too.  Essentially ever interaction she has with anyone on any subject becomes a "problem" of some sort.  No one meets her standards...

Here's another symptom that I finally noticed.  She seems to enjoy endlessly discussing/complaining about situations, when the answer is clear and simple to fix.  She decided to let our cleaning person go, but not before endless talk, talk, talk about it.  It could have been dealt with in ten minutes.  Text the woman and move on.  Ditto most other stuff.  Every one is a chance to catastrophize and blather endlessly.

Clearly, I don't know what to do, other than to keep on keeping on....

[square]

Thankfully my H doesn't complain nonstop, but sometimes he does complain or else heavily criticize a person, and he is utterly baffled by the idea it might be tiring, a downer, or otherwise unpleasant for me.

"I'm not talking about you," he says, as if I would otherwise be energized and refreshed by his negativity.

One thing that really bothers me is the double standards. H cannot stand being judged or criticized. If a boss tells him he handled a situation poorly, he can't cope, and feels like it's so unfair that the boss didn't give him a break given how much pressure he was under or how he was confused or overloaded or just plain isn't paid millions to deal with these everyday situations.

But when someone else doesn't do a great job, there is no possibility that they were under pressure or dealing with too many customers or was unaware of something. No, they are lazy and possibly malicious.

Anyway, yes, nothing is more draining to me than H's negativity. I yearn to share life with someone who enjoys an unexpected rain shower on the walk home, or who offers some encouragement when I need it, or reassures me the clerk was probably just overworked and didn't mean to keep me waiting that long.

[blew]

I had an epiphany of sorts the other night, when I tried to "interrupt" my SO while she was talking.  Actually, normal people might call this "conversation," but interrupting is NOT allowed.  When I did this, she stiffened and said, "Let me finish my story."  Ah!  A light bulb went on!  Every discussion is just a series of stories that she has honed and polished.  Sometimes for weeks, other times for years.  And they get strung together like pearls, but they are not that pretty.

[escapingman]

I had an epiphany of sorts the other night, when I tried to "interrupt" my SO while she was talking.  Actually, normal people might call this "conversation," but interrupting is NOT allowed.  When I did this, she stiffened and said, "Let me finish my story."  Ah!  A light bulb went on!  Every discussion is just a series of stories that she has honed and polished.  Sometimes for weeks, other times for years.  And they get strung together like pearls, but they are not that pretty.

Classic, my uNPDx used to tell me "stories" and I was never allowed to interrupt. If I ever did say something, like you do in normal conversation, I would be shouted at for being incredible rude to interrupt her. Just to add, her stories could be a 20 minute monologue about the most miniscule thing.

[lkdrymom]

You just described my husband.  Not every day is like this but I am seeing it more and more.  Everything is a massive tragedy, even those with simple solutions.  And they get upset when you give them a simple solution.  It is almost like they don't want it solved, they just want to complain about it.   Our dehumidifier died on us and we had to get a new one.  You'd have thought the world was coming to an end because we had to spend money on a new one.  First, we have the money, it was not a hardship for us.  We did not have to eat Ramen for the next week.  Second, the new machine works wonderfully, which he fully admits.  Yet he has to harp on spending the money for this.  I have better things to worry about.    My husband loves to cook but if you heard him in the kitchen you never know it with all the cursing going on.  Think full-on Gordon Ramsey tantrums.  If I ask him why he does this if he hates it so much he has no idea what I am talking about.  They don't see the negativity at all.  This is their style of communication.

[square]

Re: dehumidifier
My H feels like "whyyyyy can nothing EVER WORK" "I must have been Ghengis Khan in a past life" "why does this always happen TO ME."

When I think, gosh, that appliance was 15 years old and we used it heavily, houses do require maintenance and we hardly do any at all, etc.

Like really, the most reasonable explanation for needing to do a normal minor repair or replacement is that he is being punished for a series of mass murders that occurred hundreds of years ago?

If so, I'd say he got off cheaply. Criminally so. "Ghengis Khan, you are sentenced to live a future life in which your plastic outdoor garbage can lid cracks after years in the sun."

[lkdrymom]

Re: dehumidifier
My H feels like "whyyyyy can nothing EVER WORK" "I must have been Ghengis Khan in a past life" "why does this always happen TO ME."

When I think, gosh, that appliance was 15 years old and we used it heavily, houses do require maintenance and we hardly do any at all, etc.

Like really, the most reasonable explanation for needing to do a normal minor repair or replacement is that he is being punished for a series of mass murders that occurred hundreds of years ago?

If so, I'd say he got off cheaply. Criminally so. "Ghengis Khan, you are sentenced to live a future life in which your plastic outdoor garbage can lid cracks after years in the sun."

I assumed it was a generational thing.  Hubby is 18 years older than I am..  I remember when my parent's refrigerator died.  They were so upset.  It was 25 years old!  How did this come as such a shock?

And if you are actually fixing something, everything has to go EXACTLY as per the directions.  If it doesn't, he totally loses it.   He seems to think everything is supposed to last a lifetime.

[blew]

And so it continues!  The weekend. Always worse than a weekday, but not quite as bad as ruining a vacation!

Today's thrill-a-minute is....  Being scorned when she interrupted me during a conversation.  It happens like this.  Let me know if this sounds familiar!

I start to say something.  At that precise moment she starts to talk.  This time I didn't acquiesce and just stop like I normally do.  Of course this is a mistake.  She immediately goes on the offensive and claims that "We're having a conversation!  Don't you get it?  That's when two people talk and sometimes they will interrupt each other.  I bet you do this at work too!"  Of course, this is coming from the same person who is a conversational narcissist and never lets anyone else talk!  Bonus points for the work reference, which is an attempt to further trash me.  Doesn't matter that I've survived close to 20 years at the same job.

Oh, and there was the snarky comment about doing a daily chore that "I even had to do this on the weekend!"  No.  You don't.  You chose to go back into the house and do it PRECISELY do you could make the nasty comment!

The rest of the weekend is warming up to be more of the same!  Stay tuned.

[SeaBreeze]

My husband loves to cook but if you heard him in the kitchen you never know it with all the cursing going on.  Think full-on Gordon Ramsey tantrums.  If I ask him why he does this if he hates it so much he has no idea what I am talking about.  They don't see the negativity at all.

Same here! I've started stepping outside to water the hedge when uNPDh is cooking. Because hey that means I don't have to cook (or listen to H cook!)  And... My roses look great this year! 😁

[Fae Greenwood]

The Complaint Carousel is a great description. Boy, does uNPDh like to ride that. He picks the ugliest horse, too. ;-) Evidently our SOs get the multi-ticket discount.

[FiveForFighting]

I've got to admit, I can relate to each and every statement or post herein. Just to add a couple of thoughts: sometimes the litany of complaints are physical in nature and are about her teeth hurting, neck hurting, headache or some other "malady of the day". And my response is to empathize/sympathize and to offer if to help in any way and, as you can guess, I get the eyeroll and clapback "I dont need you to fix anything. I am just letting you know how I feel" Damned if you do.... But I will be sure let her finish her complaint fully before I offer anything; that way I am not interrupting her stream of thought. There really is nothing original about these individuals except the stories and situations differ a little. One thing though, is clearly consistent throughout and that is the toxicity directed at the Nons and the complete destruction of the used-to-be whole persons on the receiving end of these interactions. Insidious.

[AlisonWonder]

(squirts tea out of nose)  that is hilarious    sounds true!!  Mine is like this too.

If so, I'd say he got off cheaply. Criminally so. "Ghengis Khan, you are sentenced to live a future life in which your plastic outdoor garbage can lid cracks after years in the sun."

[lkdrymom]

I can relate to the talking over you in a conversation.  I assumed it was because he is hard of hearing but I'm not so sure.  He won't stop talking so I can get a word in.  My usual tactic is to just stop participating in the conversation as I assume my input is not needed or wanted.  Sometimes he notices, sometimes not.  I swear he thinks the louder he talks the more right he is.

[downwiththefog]

My SO starts and ends EVERY DAY with a litany of complaints.  ... No one meets her standards...

She seems to enjoy endlessly discussing/complaining about situations, when the answer is clear and simple to fix......

Every one is a chance to catastrophize and blather endlessly.

Clearly, I don't know what to do, other than to keep on keeping on....

Dear @blew I am experiencing the same.
Trying to make my uPDw see that she behaves like that has only generated 27 years of complaints.
So I now just try my best to ignore her. I hope you'll be more succedssful than me

[rainintheface2023]

Same here.. DPDw has agreed to do a monthly repeating chore but a few days before the complaints start about how she it not feeling it and how much work it is. Then on the day itself most of the time puts it off and complains about how bad she is feeling for not doing it. Me being tired of this offers to do it but I will get the reply that it will be too much work to explain it to me. The next day (or after that) after sleeping till late in the afternoon she will finally do it while constantly complaining. The only upside to it all is that she is feeling alot better afterwards and is in a better mood because of it.

It bothers me every time but I dare not say anything about it because that would make matters worse I think. Do hate that doubt about not nowing whether to be assertive or to just suck it up.. Either way doesn't seem to provide a solution