Refusal to maintain health/depressed about illnesses

[11JB68]

Updh has basically refused to see Dr's. Up till he had a heart attack.  He had gone 30+ years without seeing a Dr.
The last time he saw a dentist was probably....20+ years ago.  Was told he needed a root canal.  Never went back. 
His teeth became so sensitive that we've had to eliminate certain foods  (hot chili, etc), he uses sensitive toothpaste etc.  He is good about brushing and better than I about flossing.
He smokes.
Just now he suddenly told me his gums are receding,  it's bothering him (hurts) etc.  What should he do??
Me: idk
Him: Google it
Me: well.... you can try this special toothpaste.... but mostly it says go to a dentist....
Him: what if the toothpaste doesn't work?
Me: well some people need surgery
Him:( tearing up...) I'm so depressed!
So I got out some mouthwash for him to try,  will get him the toothpaste...
But honestly....like... what did he think would happen???
AND  I'm concerned he could have mouth cancer...
This is his approach....head in sand,  do it his way... then when it goes badly get upset and blame  others,  make it my responsibility...

[BeautifulCrazy]

Ugh 11JB68!! I am sorry!!
I don't know if it is helpful, beyond as a thought experiment or idea to contemplate, but what if you stopped taking responsibility?
What if you didn't buy him anything special or otherwise try to solve his problems for him? And you didn't try to fix it (or placate him) in the moment with mouthwash? What if you didn't make helpful suggestions? And didn't Google it for him? What if you just let him live out the natural consequences instead of trying to buffer them? What if you didn't play the game at all?

I am thinking of what I would do if this were one of my children because good heavens! this is a grown man, but the situation reads similarly to a petulant toddler hounding mommy and breaking down in tears because he can't have his way.

My kids are all teenagers now, so I would probably listen and say "Wow. That sounds really tough.", or something along those lines. If asked for help or advice, I would offer to call and make the dentist appointment. If the pestering continued, I would say something like "I already told you, you should go to a dentist." and then find myself something to do in another part of the house. Any further pushing would be met with my broken record repetition of seeing a dentist. "I understand. I already suggested you see a dentist. I have nothing more for you unless you would like me to make you an appointment."

I would cheerfully accommodate a direct request such as "Will you please pick me up some (particular kind of) toothpaste?"

I know this post is probably not helpful in real life. Being IN IT is much different than looking in from outside and, as you know, I have been complicit in situations of staggering ridiculousness myself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just validate that this is not normal behavior for a full grown man, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Sending you encouragement and love,

~BC

[easterncappy]

Ugh 11JB68!! I am sorry!!
I don't know if it is helpful, beyond as a thought experiment or idea to contemplate, but what if you stopped taking responsibility?
What if you didn't buy him anything special or otherwise try to solve his problems for him? And you didn't try to fix it (or placate him) in the moment with mouthwash? What if you didn't make helpful suggestions? And didn't Google it for him? What if you just let him live out the natural consequences instead of trying to buffer them? What if you didn't play the game at all?

I actually completely agree with this. We're conditioned to think this is some sort of cruel torture, but if he's capable of doing these things for himself (and unless he is disabled or missing limbs he's capable of taking care of himself), you're not actually hurting anyone. This is a game and it has nothing to do with the illness. Every time I've withheld "help" I was conditioned into giving as a part of a PD's supply, they magically figured out how to take care of themselves after a while. Every. Single. Time. From the live-in boyfriend who was too good to prepare a meal to my mom who was too good to pay her bills by herself on her own phone... after they were done pouting and calling me a meanie, they were suddenly doing things on their own.

In his mind, it's "why would I bother doing it if she's just going to?". The human body can take a lot before it gives out, and virtually all of us have instincts to preserve ourselves and our health when SHTF. Unless saying "no" would put you in danger (note how I said "you" and "danger", not "him" and "whining about how you're supposedly endangering him"), take steps towards saying "no". If he makes a choice to ignore the warnings of doctors, you are NOT responsible for swooping in and trying to save him from his own bad decisions. You know the cliche about how you first need to accept there's a problem if you want help.

[Poison Ivy]