The fairweather friend

[Lilyloo]

It seems I have several of these fairweather pals.  Oh for sure be there when it's smooth sailing , but let the water's get rough, they scurry off!    It's sad and hurtful.  I have needed friends lately with mother in the NH and the stress of all that plus other dark clouds rolling in from all directions. Life does that, storm after storm and in the midst we need people.   We dont want to be burdens but just need a bit of love. I would always listen to my few friends and never ever ignore or do what  my friend since school does to me, and did today   she skips off into total different subjects,  as she did when I needed her today. It steared off about her dog, her hubby and honestly really ignorant stuff
One was how she cant get the candy to the NH. Because of covid. Such off track ignorant stuff.   Another was how her hubby's cataract surgery has left him able to see the dog hairs around the house now.    She cannot communicate. Why did I not see this years ago.  It's so easy to read her now. I told her today I joined a group of women online who listen, are real, and they truly care. I'm done with her.  I'm a kind and empathetic caring person. Time to pull the weeds in my garden of  life.  I seem to be a bother to the few I cared about and would drop anything to listen and never ignore. They never text. Im always first to do that. What a fool I've been  That group I told her about are all of you here. You are genuine, caring and giving. 

[Starboard Song]

I'm glad this community has been a source of strength. Please check out some of the books in the first line of my signature. They are the ones that most helped my wife healing from realizations like those you've been making.

Weeding the garden makes it better, but it is still hard, unpleasant work.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Starboard Song!   The list of books is appreciated!

[NarcKiddo]

Hugs, Lilyloo. I'm sorry you're struggling with your friends.

[Lilyloo]

Narckiddo

[Lilyloo]

I needed someone to talk to! 

[Lilyloo]

Let me put it this way.  If you pour your heart out to a friend of 50 plus years and they totally ignore you, what would you do? What would your mind think?  This happened twice in  week.  I was so shocked that she went off into other directions. I told her how I felt about being ignored and that not in a million years would I do that to her.  I truly had no idea that by needing my friend and not expecting anymore than a hug in a text or one snippet of acknowledgement that I was doing wrong.  I don't need to be special nor am I self absorbed. I was deeply hurting and troubled and struggling those two times I reached out. I feel like a dammed fool pouring out my heart and soul    I am also so very confused. I am not backing down.  She was wrong and very callous and rude

[moglow]

Lily, this isn't about "backing down" or some kind of fight - this is the friend you have, who she is. She's shown you in the past and is showing you here, some things she simply isn't capable of. You're not "wrong", you're just going to the wrong source for comfort and understanding. It's akin to having car trouble and going to the vet for help.

Back in his dating days my brother had several girls he kind of rotated through. I didn't realize until much later that this one doesn't like getting wet so he took another to the beach. Another one couldn't skate so he took her to the movies. Another didn't like Italian food so they went for Mexican instead. He accommodated as much as he was willing, realizing that people grow and change and can't always give us what we need. When he failed to find common ground or any reason to stay together, he moved on entirely. It didn't make them wrong or bad people, they just didn't fit.

Friendships work the same way, and sometimes we read more into them than they're capable of. When I've poured my heart out to family and friends who responded [or not] that way, I didn't do it again. I tried it with my mother for decades - I tried everything I knew to get through to her, find some common ground or caring, and nothing. She wasn't capable of that, never has been and didn't care to pretend. Finally I don't do it anymore.

She may be callous or rude or heartless, that doesn't make you a fool. That HER.

[Starboard Song]

If that happened to me, I would be hurt. I would feel confused and maybe embarrassed. Probably angry.

What would I do, though? I would call, not text or email. Written communications are so hard. And I'd share what I need now, but not focus much on the error. After 50 years i would try to trust that she is the same good friend and just messed up.

But this is painful. I'd make sure to tell myself that I am not wrong for feeling hurt, even if I never ask for an apology.

I hope you find this is still a strong and loving friend and this was just a blip.

[Lilyloo]

 Moglow, thanks. I'm not doing it anymore either  I've learned my lesson the hard way.  I just don't get how some people can know we were sad and hurting but ignore.  I suppose what I'd give to others they truly aren't capable of doing.  Same here with my mom. Like you I tried everything for years. It never worked. I guess I think differently but can a person really be so ignorant to another's pain.  Yes is the answer. Your mother and mine were, so a friend can be the same I don't want this friendship anymore. I will still send a card on occasion but will never ever bare my soul. Thank you and 

[Lilyloo]

Starboard Song thanks!  Oh the phone is much worse. She will keep saying " well" or that she doesn't know what to say. It's even more frustrating.  So I think the best thing is to just try to forget this and learn a lesson from it.  She will make more excuses as to what and why she couldn't answer a text. Im hurt sad and very confused but I must not dwell I guess as it's hurting me more than her. If she cared she knew how to text a few words. There was nothing. I do believe we outgrow each other.  I appreciate your advice. 

[Lilyloo]

It's time I realize that happiness doesn't lie in others or what they give or don't give.  My problem is my expectations are to high.  I can find happy in other things. It's the relearning that's a tough job.  I want my last years to be free of all this crap that drags me down.  Next year I'll be 70. I think thats weighing on me. I have alot of living yet to do.  Today I cleared a bank behind my house. It had gotten overgrown so me and my saw and weedeater got moving. It felt good and my mind only thought of the task in front of me. No mom worries or friend worries  I'm still fairly strong for
my age so maybe 70 won't be so bad.  My bank is looking good and I forgot it all for awhile. 

[bloomie]

Lillyloo - I know the crushing moment when we realize what has meant so much to us may not mean as much to a long time friend. When our grief and difficulties have been offered in hopes that this friend would share at least a small bit of the load through a kind word or a bit of empathy and understanding. It can feel very vulnerable and exposed when someone steps over our pain and ignores it. And then, for me anyway, there is a wave of embarrassment and shame because I have been conditioned to believe I am wrong to struggle or have needs in a relationship. An untruth I no longer accept for myself and I trust you will reject that untruth over your life as well.

You are right, we are built for connection and friendship. Learning to pay attention to how much energy and engagement a friend is offering, to honor who they are and what they have to give, to step back if the level of reciprocity is not reasonably balanced continues to be a work in progress in my own life. You get to decide if you want a superficial, once in awhile relationship with this person. Because that is what it seems they have to offer. You get to decide if you want to pull back to that same level of friendship and connection with them or fade away.

Friendships change over time and sometimes they cool or end. For all kinds of reasons. For someone like me, with a trauma background, in the past when a relationship faded away or ended I had a great deal of angst. I must've done something wrong!! My father's once cruel words over me replaying in my head: "Once people get to know you they don't like you. No one likes you!" 

I have been able to unravel that immediate wash of shame and false guilt and accept that things end or they change and due to the healing I have done, lately the one doing that is me. Without fan fare, without a making anything personal or a huge deal, I just kindly and quietly step away and wish them well.

Maybe this person could still be a flower in your garden even if it is just the memory of good times you may have shared in the past, just not a plant you rely on for sustenance.

How are you doing today?

[Lilyloo]

 Bloomie, first I want to say that I'm so sorry your father said that to you.  That was so cruel of him        how can parents be so mean.  My mom has done those things too. 

Like you , I am now feeling  all those things you described. I feel silly for being so open with her. I also feel shame and yes guilt that how dare I to have such struggles. You said it so well and I totally relate.  I am also embarrassed.  I am still angry that she could not even send a hug by text. I am  thinking that there were so many signs over the years.  We rarely got together after our children were grown so the 50 years was mostly high school and outings with our children.  We did go shopping maybe once every few months.  We are like night and day. People would say how can you be friends?

You sound like you have made great progress in your life. You are wise and your advice is so appreciated.  I think I do not want a superficial relationship with her.  I need people like all of you here who talk and communicate and care.

Such great advice to step back and don't make it personal and gently step away.  I told her how it hurt and she said nothing so  I said love you lots and didn't text again, and I won't.  I admire how you've healed.  That's wonderful bloomie.  I know I can too! 

I will see her I'm sure at family funerals and I will still send a birthday card and Christmas card but never need or expect the support or ever be open again.   It's to hard not to get it. Kinda like punishing myself over and over. Thank you bloomie 

[Lilyloo]

Well she was at stepdads viewing. Bounced in friend to everyone. I remember in school from 7th grade on she would act as if I was her best friend, then she'd have another who was her best friend flaunting it in my face.  I see so many things now that I failed to see then.  I'm an introvert. She's the opposite. I have listened to details of intimacy with her husband for years. I always quickly changed the subject. That is personal and should be private. I have listened to her how she flirted with men,  this after being married for years. Her language and behavior could not be more opposite of mine. How did I stay for so long?  At the viewing she made her rounds then sat down beside me.  It was brief as I only spoke a few words. She told me she slipped a small bottle of whiskey into my sister in laws pocket.  My stepbrothers.  wife.  I was thinking how inappropriate when stepdad was gone and you are telling me you brought whiskey. Must have been one of those tiny sample bottles to have fit into SILs pocket. Maybe I'm  just an old snoot. I didn't comment to her about it. She soon got up and exited. Still no reply from her when I bared my soul  to her. She is totally ignorant. 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

When I moved Out of the FOG, one of the ripple effects was that I also realized a friend of 20 years was probably also a narcissist.  How could I not see it?  Well, because I was deep in the fog.

I've decided to keep the friendship, I'm just much more aware of what it our friendship really is.  And, honestly, it feels a lot better.  When I need really deep sincere understanding, I don't look to her.  When I want someone to acknowledge how hard it's been for me, I don't look to her.  Having a therapist has helped too - to really say what I want to say in a safe space.

This friend is smart, has interests, skills, goals, etc...  and I get other things from her than compassion/empathy.  So, it's okay right now.

I've started seeking out my brother for compassion/empathy and I've been so surprised how great he is at it!   

As my life becomes fuller, I'm not sure how she'll fit in - maybe?  maybe not. 

[Lilyloo]

Yes Plantflowersnotweeds,  Coming Out of the FOG cleared many things for me. Thank you so much for your reply.

  I  think you are doing the right thing by not expecting what your friend can't give. You are stronger than I am and very kind.  I wish I could feel the same.

I continually see that my friend just is not capable of what I need as a friend. It seems she and I feel differently about what friendship is.  I see narcissism in her also.

I will speak to her at those type things as the funeral because there will be those things  that happen in life and we will cross paths and I  will text back to her but she rarely texts unless I text first.  I will never ever put myself out there and share my emotions with her.  Like I said I felt  a damned fool for doing it. 

I had a brother who talked to me,  listened, shared our stress about our BPD mother. We talked weekly for an hour or more on the phone.  Then he got cancer and died in January 2018. My life has a deep dark empty hole. I miss him more than I can express. He was my rock. Nobody will ever hear me as he did. 

Cherish your brother as I know you do. I am so glad you share things.  How wonderful to have a sibling who knows you best, truly more than anyone. 


I come here to this forum because I do feel heard and we all share the heartaches. Very very grateful

It's my friend's loss. She had many chances to be a friend. Now she is just an acquaintance.

Thank you again
 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

 You are able to recognize the limitations of this friendship and you are able to say YES to yourself.  That's a strong and kind person.

If a friendship is a one way street - I say end it.  You could probably end it quietly and they'd never know because they only focus on themselves. 

I am very picky about new friendships, one self centered one is enough 

[Lilyloo]

Thank you plantflowersnotweeds.  Perfect advice!!  She does focus on herself. That's not true friendship

[countrygirl]

Hi Lilyloo,

I am so sorry this happened to you.  I can really relate, because a lifelong friend since third grade, was not there for me when my father died.  My father was the last one of my immediate family, so I had no family members to help me at this time.  My father was a narcissist, and set up his will in a way designed to hurt me, so while I was in the midst of dealing with all of his elaborate funeral arrangements--he acted as if he were a head of state--I was also very upset about this will. I was really on emotional overload. At any rate, I had chosen my friend's husband as one of my father's pallbearers.  After the way she treated me, I wonder whether she would even have attended the funeral had I not asked him to be a pallbearer!  (My father lived a long way from me, and she was my only close friend from childhood who still lived in his community.  We had kept in touch throughout the years, visiting whenever I was home, and she had visited me where I live.)

I called her the day after funeral, in tears, thinking that I was speaking to a dear friend.  She immediately said someone was at her door, and that she would call me at seven-thirty that night.  She said, "Chin up, and we'll talk tonight."  I couldn't wait to talk with her, and told my husband that I would be in the den on the phone with her.  Well, she didn't call at seven-thirty, nor at eight-thirty, nor at nine-thirty.  My husband said he was sure she would call the next morning, with an explanation.  She did not. 

Finally, after three days, she called.  She didn't even ask how I was doing, nor did she offer any explanation of why she hadn't called.  I ended up telling her what I'd been upset about.  Then she became upset, and said she "should have done more for me."  But, it was too late.  I still have what I now consider to be a friendship-for-old-times' sake.  We exchange letters a few times a year.  I now know that ours is not the deep bond I thought that it was.  Learning this at the time when I was already so upset over my father's death and his treatment of me, was really so shocking and painful. 

I think that you have received excellent advice here.  This experience is very painful, but in time you will move through it.  I liked your description of working on the bank, of becoming absorbed in your work.  Your energy is still there; it just isn't available for this friend.  I am sure you would not have treated her as she treated you, just as I would have been there for my friend.  It is sad that our friendships weren't what we thought they were, but life still has much to offer.   One of my other friends has a way of coping with situations like this.  She addresses the other person--in her mind, usually not in reality--and says to them:  "You just lost your best friend."  Yes, they weren't there for us, but they are the ones who have really lost, because we ARE good, supportive friends.

Sending you good vibes for healing, Lilyloo.