After all these years, he still shocks me sometimes

[Jpmom3575]

I'm not sure how to even begin this. I'm sitting here, sick to my stomach and shocked. I genuinely didn't believe after nearly 30 years, there was anything he could do that would shock me. I found out this morning that I was wrong about that.

The first part of this vent session is just that, me venting and coming to terms with truths (my truths) coming to the surface that I had stuffed down so long ago I had forgotten how real they are.

Our 22 year old, pregnant (due next Wednesday) daughter lives with us. No car and no support so there's me. She thought she was in labor yesterday evening. I work from home until 8 PM, but at 6:45 I logged off and rushed her to hospital. Predictably, this sent my h into a tailspin. HE was out fishing when I texted to let him know, his only concern? What about dinner? The man literally waited to eat anything until I got home at 10:45 with McDonald's for him. Even though there were plenty of things he could fix. Then..I was, of course given the silent treatment because how could I leave him starving for that?

Now this is something I used to complain bitterly about, years ago. I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut and accept this wasn't going to change and my complaints only led to terrifying temper tantrums on his part. Things would be thrown (entire dishes of food, etc) and broken and he would terrify the kids until he stormed out. Only to return hours later expecting a fresh, hot meal and an apology. Ugh...just saying this out loud makes me want to smack myself for allowing this treatment. But I digress. Last night I remembered how ridiculous this behavior is from a grown man and I am appalled that I learned my lesson so well that I just started expecting this to be my job.

This isn't my horror though. My h has ONE job at the house....exactly one thing. He takes the trash to the dump. That's IT. The dump is literally 5.7 miles from our house and it costs nothing to dump your household trash. Yet he doesn't go until the trash is overflowing the two large outdoor cans, and sitting in piles on our back deck. Then he complains about how much there is (hello...it's been TWO weeks) and refuses to check the indoor cans to take them before he leaves, which typically means there is ALREADY a full bag of trash immediately following his trip to the dump. It is my responsibility to anticipate when he is going and make sure all the Garbage is outside.

Anyway, the neighbors recently got a cat. And this cat will wander the neighborhood and has been tearing up the trash regularly. It is a nuisance, sure, but honestly if you just took the trash it wouldn't even be an issue. This morning I let our dog out and of course, trash is all over the deck so I'm irritated. I call him and tell him there is trash everywhere again. I didn't realize he was sitting out front and he walks up as I'm cleaning it up. Of course, I immediately have to hear his ridiculous it is that there was even trash to be torn up, but then he flips it to that side it he's going to kill the cat. I laugh and say I'm with you right about now. He says "No I don't think you understand, I'm serious. I'm going to be rid of this one like I got rid of her cat when we moved in here". I looked up at and that look in his eyes (I call it his demonic stare because I swear his eyes look possessed when he gets in one of his whatevers).

7 years ago we moved into this house and the next door neighbors had two cats that always roamed the neighborhood. Harmless. They walked on his cars and pissed him off but nothing else. There disappeared about two months after we moved in. I helped them look for them, feeling awful because I know the pain of losing pets.

About a week after they went missing I was walking my dogs one morning and they were digging and pulling trying to get under the bushes in front of our house. I looked down and it was the two cats stiff and dead. I cried. My husband came out and buried them (at least that's what he told me). He says they had gotten hit by a car and crawled up to our house to die. I believed him. I didn't have any reason to suspect anything else. As awful as he could be to us he would never actually do something that bad. 

Now I'm just shocked. Literally to my core.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh my gosh. This is horrifying.

Will it be safe for your grandchild to be living in the same home as your husband?

[Jpmom3575]

She won't be thank God. We all have to move out soon because he stopped paying the mortgage years ago (I honestly had no idea) and the house is being foreclosed.

Truly I am not really sure if he really did something to the neighbor's cats or if he was just using his scare tactics on me. He began making veiled threats about our dogs, the kids, and various other things years ago when his old tactics stopped working on me and I got string enough to leave anyway. One of those threats was enough to freeze me in my tracks because I was never sure if he was sincere. He knows it and they have been a well used truck if his.

Part of me thinks he is just a big bully, vile behavior but not truly psychopathic and lacking any remorse. Part of me isn't sure.

I had to stop earlier because he came in so I wasn't able to finish that post.

[moglow]

Oh wow. Have you thought about going somewhere else when it comes time to move, quietly make your own plans and see them through without him? Sounds like you're shouldering a whole lot of stuff here without him ... I just don't know that I'd want to continue in that, whether what he said is true or some kind of sick test.

[Jpmom3575]

Yes mo I have. I'm not sure what will happen to my daughter, grandchild, and dogs at that point but I am considering all options I can.

[moglow]

I'm a believer in baby steps, that even small positive decisions and follow through can help get us where we need to be. Do what you need for yourself and insist that the other adults do the same as much as possible. But start with yourself and your well being - they tell us on airplanes to put the mask on ourselves first. Do that, please.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! I worry about you. I hope you make sure you are safe and daughter and baby too.