Should have known better

[overitall]

I haven't posted here in a few years and visit occasionally to read posts.  Backstory, went NC with uBPDm and uNPDf for about ten years.  I had to attend several family functions where they were present and started feeling sorry for them...both in their 80's with failing health, etc.
For the past year and a half, been spending every Sunday going to pick up uNPDf and taking him to church and then returning him home.  Sat by patiently for an hour or so at their home, listening to them gossip and bad-mouth anyone and everyone (like always)  I listened to the same stories over and over and it is obvious that they are both becoming very forgetful and absolutely living in the past.  Stupid me, I just felt sorry for them.
I found out that my uNPDf told a relative that he is pretty sure I am only taking him to church every Sunday because I want his money...I literally left home at 17 and have never received a penny from either of them for anything!  Well, I called both of them and told them that I no longer will have any contact with them.  uBPDm stating "she didn't know what I was talking about" and uNPDf said "I never said that, it's a lie." 
After sitting and watching both of them miserably gossip about literally EVERYONE I know it is true...I should have known better, but I gave them their last chance.  While I was worrying about him falling down while walking into church, he was worrying that I wanted his money.  How messed up is that?
The silver lining is that I am free....I no longer have to interact with them; I no longer feel any guilt for not seeing them...I gave them another chance and they blew it.  uBPDf tried to tell my adult children that he never said anything, but they all know he said it....he lost everyone this time.  My kids are all grown and old enough to see through both of them.  At this point, they are old, sick, and ALONE....as they say, karma....

[SunnyMeadow]

That is definitely messed up but now you can enjoy your freedom!

[lkdrymom]

Sometimes you have to remind yourself why you went NC in the first place.  You gave it another shot and saw that they didn't change.  My grandmother once told my boyfriend at the time that I was just after her money. I pointed out to him that she had no money and all I knew I was 'getting' was a set of the ugliest dishes you had ever seen.  I believe people who say these things do not have the capacity to be nice and assume we are all like them. It would never occur to them that you are being kind just for the sake of being kind....you must have some other motive because they would.

[moglow]

Overitall, I had to go quite a few rounds myself before I got it. All those times she'd spewed so much bile about everybody she/we knew, told things she shouldn't [telling me to not tell them I knew], blaming me for "secrets" she'd told etc. I finally realized she was doing the same with me even though she completely denied it. I literally set her up with one - told her it wasn't to be repeated to anyone under any circumstances, super private information. It spread and spread fast, all trails went straight back to her. She claimed I must have told someone else ... uh huh.

The silver lining is that I am free....I no longer have to interact with them; I no longer feel any guilt for not seeing them...I gave them another chance and they blew it.  uBPDf tried to tell my adult children that he never said anything, but they all know he said it....he lost everyone this time.  My kids are all grown and old enough to see through both of them.  At this point, they are old, sick, and ALONE....as they say, karma....

Yep. Proof yet again that they have the relationships they really want, one way or the other.

[overitall]

For me, I know I gave them another chance with no "secret" motives.  They don't trust me, (or anyone really), so it is sad that two old people are alone with a bucket of money and no friends.  The entire experience reiterated to me why I went NC in the first place.  At this point in my life (60's) and them (80's) it is very unlikely that I will ever see them again, and honestly, I am very okay with it

[olivegirl]

Moglow,
My uBpd mother did the same thing to me.  She'd gossip and say the cruelest things to relatives and friends and then tell people that she heard it from me!

I developed intense social anxiety and self-loathing because I never knew what was happening.

Relatives would shun me and ice me out without telling me what was happening.  Other times, neighbors would approach me and scold me for bad-mouthing them!

I'd cry to my mother who comfort me that it was likely a misunderstanding or she'd tell me that they were just jealous of me.  I definitely developed some paranoia and shame because people were definitely upset with me and I felt like I was socially inept and just a bad person.

My uBpd mother got more brazen and started communicating with my in-laws behind my back.  When I eventually found out, I begged her to stop hurting my marriage.  Lo and behold, uBpd mother started to cackle with glee that it is normal and to be expected for mothers-in-law to quarrel with daughters-in-law.

My uBpd mother obviously sadistically enjoyed the power and control she had over me and I could not prevent her from conversing with my mother-in-law behind my back.

Naturally, my husband and I are estranged from his parents because his mother is confident that I am out to destroy her relationship with her son. 

My husband and I were distraught from all of the chaos and we relocated states away just to reclaim some peace.

UBpd Mother is now 70 and has alienated most of her family and friends. 

My reputation is still in tatters with many people and relatives which hurts.  But alas all I can do is protect myself by staying NC.

[practical]

For me, I know I gave them another chance with no "secret" motives.  They don't trust me, (or anyone really), so it is sad that two old people are alone with a bucket of money and no friends.  The entire experience reiterated to me why I went NC in the first place.  At this point in my life (60's) and them (80's) it is very unlikely that I will ever see them again, and honestly, I am very okay with it

That last try, while you might feel like you should have known better now, having done it might help you when they die. You won't have to wonder whether there was any way left to make this at least work on a superficial level. You have turned over the last pebble - nothing there. You were incredibly kind, giving of your time, caring how they are doing, and you were maligned and lied to in return. I hope you feel peace of mind that you tried everything and then some, and this is their stuff and not yours.

It seems you reestablished contact during the pandemic, which is what I did with F. I don't know that I could have done what you did with face-to-face visits. I had an ocean between us that was unbridgeable due to Covid, so a natural boundary reinforcing my own. I admire your graciousness, kindness and excellent boundaries, the ability to take care of yourself in a big way when it became necessary.

[overitall]

Thanks, Practical, for your kinds words....I just kept hearing over and over that I would be sorry and after seeing them after a long period of time, it was a bit shocking as to how old and sickly they had become.  I did have to forget a lot of lies, scapegoating, and manipulation.  My uNPDf in particular has quite a history of extra-marital affairs and an adult child with another women that my uBPDm does know about (as far as I know....but who knows at this point)

Transporting him to church one Sunday morning I reminded him that he forgot to zip up his pants...his reply?  "Oh it's ok, I'm just advertising."    I felt sick all over and realized that he had not changed at all...I was very very careful and did not share anything about my personal life except for very superficial information.

They had definitely declined in all aspects, but they are both still champions of the gossip and smear category.  Once they have made up their mind about something or someone, they won't budge.   I should have known, but I fell for the "old, sick parent routine."  The ironic fact is that even if they were ever to leave me any money, I would refuse it...they never did anything for me ever...I left home at 17 and everything I have, I did on my own. 

At this point, I'm not really even mad or sad about it....I just really don't care...I know that sounds strange, but I honestly do not care at all...I am relieved that I will never need to see them ever again and I know that I gave them another chance and they blew it...

For me, the best part of the entire situation is that my adult children witnessed what I have been through and completely understand and agree with my decision   I don't have to explain myself to anyone ever again....Yeah!!

[practical]

For me, the best part of the entire situation is that my adult children witnessed what I have been through and completely understand and agree with my decision   I don't have to explain myself to anyone ever again....Yeah!!

That makes it almost worth it, because explaining the dysfunction to somebody who hasn't witnessed it is harder than explaining a black hole to a 1st grader, it just doesn't compute for the the lucky person who has no firsthand experience of abuse. - Enjoy your freedom. 

[overitall]

Thanks, Practical....living the best life I can free of drama