Hello from Dr. Scape Goat

[skynolongerblue]

Hi everyone.

I'm writing this in between reviewing conference papers, working on a chapter proposal, and going over HR paperwork for my position as a director within a massive organization.

I'm in my mid-30's, married, with two daughters. I am the only daughter in a large family, the oldest granddaughter in an even bigger family. My parents had a nasty, family splitting divorce when I was 14 (right as I started high school at one of the most competitive college preps in our city), and ever since then, I have been my dad's whipping girl/scape goat, and my mom's confident/scape goat as well.  Covert incest on both sides, good times.

I am a dead ringer for my mom, from the hair to the eyes to the attitude. Hence, my dad really poisoned his whole family against me, starting when I was 14. I wasn't to be trusted, I was crazy, I cried too much, I was too much drama and constantly wasting potential. My brothers picked up on this, and all of them have expected me to both manage our parents, as well as treating me like the crazy one in the family who can be expected to work, but Christ help us if she breaks down crying.

Two of my brothers married crazy women who continued to annihilate our family, including one that has gone full nuclear with me, so much so that I have forbidden them from seeing my children ever again.

I would be screamed at my my parents to accomplish more, that when I got awards, they were never good enough, and celebrations for me had to undermined or made fun of--but oh my Christ help you if YOU tried doing the same to your family. My wedding was a nonstop cavalcade of humiliations, I never had a sweet 16 or any big parties to celebrate my accomplishments, and the only time I felt truly celebrated was when I finished my Ph.D and was the first one on our D-1 university stage to get her doctorate and shake the president's hand.

Imagine running a long, heavy race. When you make it to the finish line, you aren't greeted with hugs, champagne, or a medal. Instead, the finish line is moved, and you're screamed at to go faster, and to not stop. When you cry that you're exhausted, they mock your tears. When you scream, they yell at you to stop.

That's me. I can never be good enough for my family, and my whole life is being kicked by them. It's exhausting.

[SonofThunder]

Hello skynolongerblue,

First off, let me offer a warm friendly welcome to Out of the FOG, a friendly, caring, compassionate, worldwide group of great people from all walks of life and all types of experiences with PD's.  All here are walking this trail together, and at various stages along the path, so you will surely find others here with similar experiences as you, therefore know that you are surely not alone in your experiences.

Im so very sorry you have experienced these behaviors from your entire family. My hopes are that you will find Out of the FOG to be an incredible place to learn about the behaviors you experience, and also to educate and equip yourself with a gamut of tools to protect yourself and create protective space for yourself and your children.  I want to recommend you dive into the toolbox tab at the top row of keywords.  In addition, i want to invite you to pull up a chair around the campfires of the forum topic boards and join in the discussions.  Im happy you have joined us 😊

Lastly I want to congratulate you on the achievements of your Ph.D, and also in earning the highly responsible directors position at very large organization, all while raising two daughters!  You are quite the multitasker and especially juggling a relationship with toxic family members.  👏. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry for what happened to you! I am so sorry you could never  be good enough for your family! I want to add my welcome.  As you read around here you will find similar stories. As SoT wrote above, the Toolbox is an excellent source of strategies when you have to deal with your family.
I am so glad you found us. You are not alone.